Hi guys its Mandy, one half of the original SHMH... ok for those of you that follow Dave aka Silverdragonranger09 you already know what I'm going to tell you but for those who don't here's what's been happening... Taylor was in a car accident on the way home from work almost a month ago and was in a coma... She is better now, she came out of it a little less than 2 weeks ago and is going through rehab for her leg that was hurt in the accident... *takes a deep breath* Ok me writing this is very hard but I felt like I needed to get out what I've been feeling while she was in the coma... Tay doesn't even know what all I went through because I haven't told her all of it yet, I haven't been ready to until now... this is my way of letting her back in... I love you Taylor

Need You Now

Sitting in my bed, about to start getting ready to go to early morning workouts. It's early to be getting ready but I've come accustomed to getting up this early because I asked Tay to call me when she gets home from work. I don't mind getting up to know she's ok, but something about tonight is different, its later than usual she's normally out by now.

"Maybe they asked her to work another shift... yea that's it" I say aloud to myself trying to keep myself calm but I can't get this feeling out of my head, but then my cell rings and I pick it up smiling, "Tay?" but my smile disappears when I hear the voice on the other end

"Amanda... Its Sherry"

"Sherry?... What's wrong?" I say a little hesitantly as I hear Tay's mother's voice

"... It's Taylor... she's been in an accident."

As those words left her mouth and entered my ear, I felt the first cracks of myself shattering as I dropped my phone.

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.

I took the next few days off work to stay with Tay at the hospital and I stayed the whole weekend, but then I had to return back to base because my Air Force advisor said I couldn't take off anymore time unless it was an immediate family emergency... which Tay doesn't qualify because she's technically not 'family'... even though she's my fiancee but I can't tell anyone that because of the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' rule about gays in the military... stupid rule

So here I am, awake, not getting any sleep, just sitting on my floor looking at all the pictures of me and Tay that I layed all over the floor. I pick up one picture in perticular and look at it... its of the first time we met... I look at it as I feel a tear roll down my cheek.

"Please be ok Tay, I need you"

Reaching for the phone cause, I cant fight it anymore.

I'm sitting at my desk at work, looking up things on the computer, but I keep staring at my phone as I work.

"Ring... ring... RING!" I say in my head trying to will the phone to ring, hoping it would be Tay's mom telling me she's ok, but it doesn't ring so I let out a sigh and lay my head on my desk... trying not to cry here at work.

"Hey you ok?" I hear a soft voice and I look up to see my friend/co-worker Sarah.

I sigh, "No..."

"What's wrong?" she asks concerned as she pulls up next to me.

"Its Tay... she's in the hospital... and I can't be there with her cause of that stupid immediate family rule."

Sarah looks at me for a moment then says, "Go, I'll cover for you, go be with your fiancee" she said with a smile on her face making me smile some too.

"Thanks Sarah you're awesome" I give her a hug before getting up to leave.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

I'm sitting next to the bed Tay is laying in, my head laying next to her hand, I'm almost sleeping when someone puts their hand on my shoulder.

"Huh?" I sit up and see that Tay's mom is next to me.

"Why don't you go home and rest, you have work tomorrow don't you?" she asks quietly

"I was going to call in sick"

She shakes her head, "That's not what a good military member would do, go on so you're not tired in the morning." she looks at Tay as I do, "She knows you can't help you can't take off for her, just remember she loves you no matter what." she bends down and kisses the top of my head, "Now go get some sleep, we'll call you if anything happens."

I nod my head, "Ok... I'll be back after work tomorrow." I give Tay a kiss on the cheek before getting up and leaving... turning back to look at Tay one more time before I walk out.

Its a quarter after one, Im all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I dont know how I can do without, I just need you now.

I'm sitting in my bed, trying to sleep but I can't, all I can think about is Tay and how much I hate not being there with her. But most of all I keep thinking... thinking about doing one thing that could solve all of this... but Tay wouldn't want me to do it.

"What am I going to do?"

Another shot of whiskey, cant stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.

At work the next day I'm like a zombie, barely even aware I'm even moving, not even aware my manager walked in.

"Hackbarth" my manager says sternly making me jump.

"Sir" I jump up.

"I'm going to need you to work over today."

"But I..." I go to say I can't but he interrupts.

"That wasn't a question that was an order. Back to work now." he turns and walks out.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

I grab my phone as soon as I get to my car and type in a number before putting it up to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Sherry.. its Mandy"

"Oh hi sweetie, did you have to work late?"

"Yes I got stuck here, but I'm on my way over now."

"No its late you should be getting to bed right now."

I sigh "Ok... How's Tay doing?"

Its a quarter after one, Im a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldnt call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I dont know how I can do without, I just need you now.

I'm tossing and turning in my bed, trying to sleep but again all I see it Tay when I close my eyes. I feel my brain thinking a mile a minute with everything that's happened over the last few days. Finally it all comes clear and I sit up.

"I've got to do this... I'm sorry Tay"

Yes Id rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

I walk up to my advisor's door and knock, opening it when I hear that I can come in.

"Hackbarth how may I help you?" my advisor says as he turns to me.

I take a deep breath, "You remember I told you about my friend Taylor in the hospital?" he nods his head, "I need to be with her."

"I'm sorry but you know the rule only for immediate family."

"Well... would fiancee be counted as immediate family?"

"I belive so why do you ask?"

I close my eyes as I take another deep breath before saying, "She is my fiancee... she's my partner... and I know what happens for me opening my mouth about this... I'll leave now" I turn around and walk out of the office, not even looking back.

Its a quarter after one, Im all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldnt call but Im a little drunk and I need you now.

I pull into the closet parking spot I can find before getting out and entering the building and entering the elevator, and I keep looking up the whole time, cause I'm nervous.

"I did this for you Tay... because I love you." I say to myself, trying to convince myself what I did was right... I know Tay didn't want me to do this but I couldn't stand not being by her side any longer.

And I dont know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

I walk into the room Tay is in and I see her still laying there in the bed, her mom sleeping on the sofa in the room so I sit in the chair next to her bed and take Tay's hand.

"Hey baby" I whisper as I stroke Tay's cheek, "I'm here... and I'm not leaving your side... not anymore." I kiss the back of Tay's hand before laying my head on the bed, still holding her hand securely in mine as I slowly fall asleep.

Well... there it is, there's the little window into my mind for the past month... I am no longer a soldier girl... and I don't regret that decision. I have my girl and that's all I need... I love you soo much Tay