Batpig Bonanza
More Fun with a Caped Crusader
*Author's note: Put those guns down, faithful readers! There is no such episode as something entirely devoted to Jun, it was all made up so I could frighten the citizens of Gotham City and bash the little cretin. And I'll try to stop bashing Mimi (I don't like her, but she's at least somewhat better than Jun). And, as usual, Wizardmon is still dead.*
Life in Gotham City just plain sucks. It's dark, and creepy, and the TVs keep getting broken. Today it's nonstop Piedmon day, oh joy and happiness, keychains for all. But the worst is yet to come, and even the Caped Crusader Batpig is powerless against it.
We find our hero having a heated discussion in Turkey Wall Manor.
"Oh get over it, Patamon!"
"I can't!"
"So Veemon ate that blueberry muffin, it was like a month old anyway."
"But I loved her, and now she's gone. Oh why, why must this cruel punishment happen to me? Somebody just kill me!"
"I'll kill you if you don't cut it out!" Biyomon snapped.
Wizardmon was still dead.
"You can always find another girlfriend. Maybe one with a pulse this time."
"Oh that's easy for you to say, you've got a boyfriend, that stupid British bird!"
"Hawkmon isn't British!"
Joe came around the corner, still doing his Alfred thing.
"Dammit, when will you two do something about that freaking spotlight?"
"It's the Batpig Signal! To the Batpigmobile, Dead Wonder!" Patamon cried. Biyomon and Patamon (Wizardmon is still dead) dashed to the secret doorway in the bookcase…and fell twenty feet down into the Batpig Cave.
"Aw, crap, I forgot Cody borrowed the poles for kendo," Biyomon moaned.
"At least we're in the right costumes."
~*~
"Okay Commissioner, what do we have this time?" Batpig Girl asked once they got over to Gotham PD.
"A really big problem. The city is being threatened by a muffin."
"OOOHHHH!" Patamon wailed, banging his head against the desk.
"She means an idiot, you moron! Would you just get over that damn muffin?"
"I CAN'T!"
"Just keep going, Sora. Maybe if we ignore him he'll just shut up."
"Right. There's some giant monkey in a cape bouncing around proclaiming that he is better than good old Etemon, and frankly it's getting weird downtown. Can ya get rid of him?"
"You bet!"
Biyomon took the liberty of dragging the Caped Crusader and the Dead Wonder out to the Batpigmobile and threw them into the cockpit.
"All right, Patamon. The city needs us. Get this sucker revved up so we can take care of this monkey and go home. I promised Sora I'd go watch her tennis match."
"Yeah, and T.K. has a basketball game."
So the Caped Cretins drove around with the windshield wipers going for twenty minutes, then stopped outside the Gotham City Starbucks. There a monkey in a cape, a weird-looking suit and a big silver helmet was standing on the roof, proclaiming his greatness.
"Hey, isn't that Mojo Jojo?" Biyomon asked.
"I dunno. Maybe it's one of those Johto pokémon," Patamon replied. "Wizardmon, whaddya say?"
Wizardmon doesn't say anything, cuz Wizardmon's dead. (Well, if he's Lia's digimon then technically he isn't dead, but what do we care?)
"You shall bow down to me, puny humans that are very small compared to me because I am much bigger than you!" the monkey crowed, holding a pathetic-looking ray gun.
"Oh yeah, well what if we're not human?"
"Who just said that which was said by someone I do not know because I cannot see them saying the words that they just said?"
"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am a hell of a lot cuter than Gomamon. I am Batpig!"
"And I'm Batpig Girl, and don't flame the author because she loves Gomamon and she does not associate herself with that comment."
"Aren't you Mojo Jojo?" Batpig asked.
"How do you know me, little orange thingy with a big black cape that is all scary and black and pretending to be some kind of superhero that prances around in tights on the WB with no real superpowers that are super?"
"I dunno, you just look kinda like Mojo Jojo…either that or Matt."
WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MATT CRACKS?
"It wasn't about his hair!"
But it was about Matt in general. One more joke like that and I'll get the producers to bring Piedmon back after you kick Ken's a**.
"For the love of Angemon, no!"
Then leave Yama alone. Diss Jun, nobody likes her.
"Ooh, the author has a point. If Mojo Jojo turns to the side, he does look kinda like Jun," Batpig Girl pointed out.
"Mojo Jojo, you're in a whole lot of trouble!" came a shout.
"No, not them with their little dresses and big googly eyes and annoying squeaky voices and hands with no fingers!"
"What's going on here, Dead Wonder?"
How should Wizardmon know? He's dead!
"We're the Powerpuff Girls!" came a chorus.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Batpig, Batpig Girl and Mojo Jojo howled.
"Oh God, it's like a Mimi convention!" Batpig wailed.
"Bubbles, Buttercup, take care of the pig, I'll deal with Jojo," Blossom instructed.
"Come one step closer to me, Powerpuff Girls, and I will destroy the next cute boy who happens to walk down the street with my ray gun which is very powerful because it can destroy boys who are cute with their cuteness and they will be walking down the street and I will shoot at them because you came one step closer with my ray gun!" Mojo Jojo threatened. Of course, both the Powerpuff Girls and Batpig aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer, so they attacked Mojo Jojo. Jojo turned and opened fire on the first guy who happened to be walking down the street, and wouldn't ya know it, it would be Odaiba's heartthrob Yamato Ishida.
Luckily for him, the rays were deflected and bounced back at Jojo, almost burning Patamon's ear off.
"What was that?" Buttercup asked.
"You just made me very unhappy!" someone hollered. Mojo Jojo and everybody else looked down. Standing there with large hand mirrors, in their pink camo pants and combat boots, was Mimi, Yolei, and a squadron of girls.
"Who are they?" Bubbles inquired.
"We're the Anti-Jun Task Force, sworn to protect blond hotties everywhere!" Mimi shouted, slipping on a pair of brass knuckles. "Don't worry, Yama, we'll deal with him!"
"I feel so much better," he grumbled sarcastically.
"Batpig Girl, what do we have for utility equipment this time?"
"Batpig Digimon Movie Ticket Stub (now playing at a theater near you), Batpig Pinball Machine, Batpig Clow Card, Batpig Johto Pokémon Smacker, Batpig Anti-Piedmon Spray, Batpig Mullet Comb, Batpig Corn Muffin, Batpig Cheese Grater, Batpig Devil Horns, Batpig Candy Corn (Happy Halloween!), Batpig…"
"Okay, I get it! Uh, gimme the Clow Card."
Batpig Girl handed Batpig the Clow Card, won off of Kero the last time Gomamon had a poker party.
"Force know my plight, release the light, Batpig card, release!"
Absolutely nothing happened.
"Dammit, nothing works for me!"
"Ya want the Cheese Grater?"
"Nah, we'll let Mimi deal with Mojo Jojo."
Wizardmon is still dead. Just thought I'd point that out to you.
"Well, uh, I think I should point out to you Veemon didn't eat your muffin, Jojo did," Batpig Girl mentioned casually.
"WHAT?!"
Batpig attacked Mojo Jojo, cracking him over the head with any and all available weapons. The Powerpuff Girls cringed in horror and covered their eyes. Mimi and Yolei hurried to the roof and started wailing on Jojo as well.
"This is what you get for dissing my boyfriend!" Mimi hissed.
"Uh, Mimi, I thought you were dating Joe," Batpig pointed out. Mimi grabbed him by the ears and hurled him like a shot put.
"Are we too late?" somebody asked, pulling up in a Jag with a British flag painted on it. Gomamon and Veemon hopped out, wearing big glasses, ruffled collars and little necklaces.
"Shagadelic, baby!" Veemon shouted.
"Oh no, now we have to contend with Austin Powers and Mini-Me!" Batpig Girl sighed.
Wizardmon is still dead.
To make a long story short, Mojo Jojo got his tail kicked and everybody went home.
~*~
Several nights later…
"Patamon, do I smell aftershave?"
"Yup, I've got a date tonight!"
"With who, Palmon? Gatomon? Shadowmon?"
"None of the above. I've been invited to dinner by a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch."
Biyomon groaned and rolled her eyes. "Here we go again."
And Wizardmon is still dead.
~*~