A/N: Totally out of my Fantana realm here! Just something I did to give me a break from my other fic. :) Got the idea from a Dixie Chicks song of the same title, and the pairing from FuFuLuff! Thanks for making me stay up and write this LMAO! Future-fic, as you'll be able to tell. Anyhoo, enjoy!
She couldn't find a reason to let go... It didn't matter if Finn had moved on, if he'd ran off with another woman and left their once happy home for what he surely percieved as greener pastures. For awhile she was sure she could even forgive him for his trespasses... As he'd forgiven her after she'd slept with his best friend and bore his child. But it didn't seem like Finn was coming back to her, not this time.
Senior year, they'd rekindled the romance they'd started in their second year of High School. Rachel and Finn had never really worked out, and Puck and Quinn's relationship was never a real relationship to begin with. It was natural that they gravitate back to one another. They married rather quickly, she thought in hindsight, right before Finn had left for college in Iowa the fall after they graduated. She'd stayed behind, living with Mercedes and Kurt, until the day came when Finn called for him to join her...
That's when they bought this house, the one that seemed so empty now without him there. She sat there on the living room floor, a cup of coffee in one hand, and many photo albums laid out all over the carpet. It was late in the night, and most nights she'd be sleeping fitfully, but tonight sleep just never came. Instead, she allowed herself to get lost in her silent reverie.
So many memories in this place, a lot of them joyous, and towards the end of their marriage, quite a few heartbreaking ones. But the good still outweighed the bad, at least in Quinn's mind. They were happy, weren't they happy? Silently she yearned for him, her heart aching for the man she loved so deeply. Life didn't seem worth living without him, not while she was alone. Allowing a few tears to fall, she reached for a familiar album, a white one with delicate lace on the cover. Their wedding album.
It'd been such a happy day... Even if her family wasn't present, his was, and all of their friends had been there. Even Will and Emma had attended. They were surrounded by people who loved them, and they had loved each other deeply, more than either had thought possible. Opening it, she was greeted first with a picture of her and her bridal party. Santana, Brittany, and Mercedes stood beside her in coral colored halters, their hair curled and tiny baby's breath tucked behind their ears. Picture Quinn was beaming at the camera, her smile spread from ear to ear. Her dress had been simple, and her hair pinned up, but she'd been told she was one of the most beautiful brides any of her guests had ever seen.
The next picture was one of just her and her maid-of-honor, Santana. She smiled at the memory of Santana throwing a hissy fit about having to wear flowers in her hair, insisting that it was cliche, but how when push had come to shove she'd stuck the flowers in and smiled, pleasant and charming the entire day. She lingered and laughed out loud at the next few pictures: Finn and his groomsmen goofing off, Quinn and Carole together smiling with their eyes crossed, their flower girl sitting down in the middle of the aisle when she was supposed to be tossing rose petals, Puck making a lewd gesture behind Santana's bent frame as she stooped to help the little girl get on with her duties, Brittany and Kurt in toilet paper dresses... She turned to the third to last page, and felt an invisible hand squeeze her heart.
She lovingly fingered the edge of her favorite photo, one of her and Finn standing together at the church's alter, kissing after they'd been pronounced man and wife. Even in a simple picture, the passion they'd felt in that moment was as plain as the nose on Rachel's face. How could he do this to her when he'd once felt like this? At one time she'd been his everything, his sky, his stars, and his moon. She'd gone from being his number one to not even mattering, all because he claimed he fell out of love with her and in love with another woman.
A sound of muted anger broke through her lips and she shut the album and tossed it across the floor, the heavy volume landing with a thud a few feet away. She stood up and walked down the hall to her bedroom, leaving all of the albums on the ground behind her in the living room. She'd pick them up tomorrow, if she felt like it. For now she was content to let them lie, cast away with little thought, just like her marriage had been.
With a heavy sigh she opened the door to her room. It still smelled like him in here. At first it'd been a comfort, but now it was just agony, being able to sense him and yet knowing he'd never be with her in this room again, or at least not in the way she needed him to be. They'd never lie together in bed in the early mornings, never have another midday romp between the sheets, never indulge in another playful dance-off, never watch the other get ready for a night on the town. None of those things would be reality for her, not in this lifetime at least. She tugged back the heavy comforter and slid into bed, tossing and turning for what seemed like forever before she finally drifted off.
"I don't love you anymore, Quinn."
"It's over."
"You can't make me stay."
"I've been seeing her for a few months now."
"I can't be married to you anymore."
"Be mature about this, Quinn."
"I don't love you."
"I don't love you."
"I don't love you."
Quinn awoke with a start, her breathing ragged as she bolted upright in her bed. She realized she'd done it again... Dreamed of him, and woke up crying. She wondered if this time she'd screamed out his name... When they'd first seperated, Mercedes had came and stayed a few days, and the first night she'd shaken Quinn awake, eyes wide with fear. She'd called out for Finn in her sleep, and it soon became a regular pattern. With time she'd hoped this reaction would fade, but wasn't sure when.
There was a small knock on the door, but before she answered, a sleepy four year old entered the room, blonde curls askew. Her hands were rubbing her eyes, attempting to wake herself up better. In tow was her little brother, barely two.
"Mommy, Derek and I can't sleep," the little girl yawned. "You were yelling for daddy again." Quinn wiped her face with the back of her hand to try and hide the fact that she'd been crying yet again and she smiled bravely for her children.
"I'm sorry baby," she apologized in a soft voice. "Why don't you come up here with mommy?" She opened up her blankets and motioned for them to crawl into bed with her. Lucy was able to hop up easily, but Quinn had to reach and lift Derek up into the bed. They snuggled down under the covers, one child on each side of Quinn, nestled in the crook of her arms. She alternately kissed each of the tops of her children's heads. "Do you want me to sing you a lullaby?" she whispered, leaning her head back against her pillow and closing her eyes. It was something she'd done for each of her children even before they were born.
"It's okay, Mommy," Lucy mumbled, turning her face into her mother's chest and nuzzling against her pajamas. "You don't have to. I know you're tired. Let's just..." Lucy yawned again, interuppting her sentence, "Let's just go to sleep. I love you, Mommy."
"I love you, too. Sweet dreams." Quinn kissed her daughter's hair again, smiling. She didn't know how she got so lucky as to have such wonderful children. Derek was already passed out again, sprawled out like a cat with his feet pressed against Quinn's hip. Quinn settled back, and waited for sleep to overtake her again. After a few moments of silence, Lucy spoke up in a quiet whisper, one that Quinn wasn't sure she actually meant to be heard.
"Mommy... Daddy's coming back isn't he? He still loves us?" Without warning Quinn started crying again.
"Of course he loves you... Daddy loves you very much. He just... needed a break." How could she forgive him for this? For doing this to her children? For leaving them? Leaving her she could come to terms with, eventually... But his children?
"He needs a break from me and Derek?" There was a catch in Lucy's voice as she asked the question, and Quinn's heart broke. She immediately tightened her grip on her little girl.
"No, baby. It's not like that at all... Daddy doesn't need a break from you guys. You're his favorite people, in the whole wide world. Daddy and Mommy needed a break, okay? Do you understand?" She felt Lucy nod against her. "Mommy and Daddy love you, we love you so much." Her daughter didn't respond, and a glance at her face revealed that she was sleeping already. No, she could not forgive him for this, not for tearing their family apart at the very seams, for destroying her children's lives.
No matter how much she still loved him.