She ran.
The woods behind their home were thick and dark. Barely a person dared to enter them after dark. That's why she knew now was the perfect time. Now at this very moment before her spouse returned she had to get rid of the evidence. So, she ran and she panted, she jumped, and hurled herself over trees and rocks, until she reached the giant elm at the center. It was old and bare, still alive, but incapable of producing leaves for some reason. It had been here longer than the village she lived in had been. This tree had seen and lived through many things, and she hoped it would guard her evidence for many, many, many years to come. She needed the tree to guard her sin until she was forgotten and not even her decedents could remember her name.
She was breathing heavily; panting and gasping for air that didn't seem willing to stay in her lungs. She clutched her soiled goods tightly and stepped up to the great tree. This was it, now was the time. She dropped to her knees and gently placed her burden next to her. She pulled out her wand and cast a spell, and the earth was hollowed out and a grave was before her. She could do this. She had to do this. For her marriage for future family, she could do this. This secret would lie here and she would take it to her grave, her husband didn't need to know.
She squared her shoulders and picked up the tiny bundle. With great care and love she placed it in the grave and with a gentle command the grave was filled with dirt. She picked herself up and left no mark or evidence of ever being there. She was the only one that knew her secret. She had hidden it well these past months, her husband had not a clue to what had been doing on. It would stay like that, she would make sure it would.
As she reemerged for the woods and made her way back into her home, she was dissatisfied to feel heavier with her deed not relieved. She was sure that with the evidence gone and everything cleaned up she would feel better. Instead she felt hollow as though something had been torn from her heart and left under that tree, but she knew that couldn't be right. Before she could think any further on such thoughts the door to her home opened and her husband's voice carried up to her as he called out to her.
"Lilly? Are you here?"
Lilly smiled and made her way to him and when she saw him her misdeeds were nothing to care for. Instead she was happy just to see him and be his wife.
"Welcome home, James," she greeted.
Severus Snape was not a nice man. In fact many would go out of their way to tell you how very not nice Mister Snape was. He had been teaching for the past ten years he had been teaching potions at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He was a master of his art and was held in high regard in the potions community, but in the scholastics community his teaching left much to ask for. He was by far the worse person to ever teach; he had no way with children and was far too impatient to bother with most his students. A regular class from Snape usually consisted of Snape going over the potion briefly, followed by him throwing instruction up on his board, and while the students attempted to brew their potions he would stalk around breathing down all their necks.
It was very ineffective, but Snape was the best of the best and a good Potions Master was hard to find and keep, so the headmaster of Hogwarts and all of Hogwarts simply bit the bullet and dealt with it. That was until that new laws for teaching had been passed, and teachers were required to attend a summer program to help improve or educate them on how to actually teach a class.
No teacher at Hogwarts was left out, and that is how Severus Snape found himself with his colleagues at a teaching program being held in the little magical/muggle village of Godrics Hollow. Their teaching instructor was to be a woman by the name of Lily Potter, a person whom Snape hadn't spoken to in about ten years after their falling out when they were both twenty. To this day Snape wasn't sure what had caused their friendship to end. He wasn't even motivated enough to find out at this point in his life.
In fact he would love nothing more that to just get this program over with and get back to his home and enjoy the rest of his summer.
"My word, Severus do you suppose Mrs. Potter will have anything we haven't seen before?"
It seemed that Filius Flitwick was bored and decided to strike up conversation since it seemed that Sprout was too busy making conversation with Hooch to keep him distracted.
"I wouldn't know," replied Snape.
"I know that, but what do you suppose she will teach us?" Flitwick was looking around the greeting room the house elves had left them in, to wait for their hostess' arrival, with slight interest. "None of us know what she will teach us, but we've all guessed."
Snape decided to not answer and continued to kill his time staring up at a corner that was extremely clean as far as corners went. Flitwick was not amused.
By the time Lilly Potter arrived Snape had mastered the ability to sleep with one's eyes open. He was amazingly talented like that. It seemed Lily Potter was talented also as she made direct eye contact with him and gave him look and clearly stated she didn't recognize him. Well, he could live with that, after all he was past the point of caring why their friendship had died. He was about to go back to his happy place of brain dead with a movement near Lily's knees caught his attention. He turned his full attention towards to the moment.
What he saw was a small boy about the age of seven fidgeting and hoping around Lily's feet, as though trying to get her attention. At one point he started to tug on her robes but she ignored him and acted as if she didn't even know the little brat was there. Then when Snape was about to tell Lily that it wasn't very parental to ignore one's spawn the child turned him as though he knew Snape was looking at him.
The eyes that looked into his eyes were the same, color, shape, and size as Lily's eyes. No it wasn't the kid's eyes that shocked Snape, it was the fact this fussy, spoiled, little brat had Severus' face. His chin, his cheeks, his forehead, everything but the brat's eyes and nose were Severus', and Snape had no idea how there could be a child with Lily's eyes and his face standing in front of him. Before he could get up and bring notice to himself a great pain struck through his body.
It wasn't something he could put a name to but it felt as though he was being crushed by a weight, there was no air anymore in that room, and there was darkness, he could feel the darkness, and it hurt. Only this he could feel, but all he could see was that mystery child's eyes and face. His sad, sad, little face and tears that ran from those terribly green eyes, and he reach towards Snape, his arms up as though asking to be held.
Snape tried to reach out and take the child; maybe he was feeling the same pain as Snape? Snape didn't reach the child though; instead he tipped forward in his chair and crashed to the floor, unconscious.
When Snape woke he was in a room and sitting beside his bed was Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts and his employer. Snape blinked at him a few times, he was confused and not entirely sure what had happened. He was sure that one minute he had been going to pick up the child at Lily's side, and then he was in pain, no, he was in pain and that child had reached for him.
"Severus, my boy, how are you feeling?"
Snape turned his gaze towards Dumbledore and gave the headmaster a feeble shrug. He was sure that he would live to see another birthday and that nothing was terribly wrong with him.
"I'm sure I'll recover, Albus. I more concerned for the child that was in the room. He looked to be in pain." A friend of the Potters he was not but a child was a child and didn't deserve to in unneeded pain. Though most children proved to be idiots when it came to potions, Snape couldn't turn a blind eye to one in pain.
He looked towards Albus for an answer.
"A child, you say?" Dumbledore was frowning now. Snape was sure that wasn't a good sign.
"Yes, a small boy with Lily's eyes and black hair. He seemed to trying to get her attention." Snape pushed himself up and then rested against the head board of the bed.
"Where was the child at, Severus?" Dumbledore now had a very concerned look on his face.
"At her knees, Albus is the boy alright?" He wasn't sure why Dumbledore was asking so many questions, but it didn't make him feel any better about the situation.
"I have never told anyone this Severus, but I willing to telling in light of what you have just told me."
Snape raised an eyebrow at that statement, which Dumbledore took as his queue to continue on.
"Though I saw no child at Lily Potter's feet I have always seen a shadow in her presence. Let me rephrase that, for the last ten years or so there as always been a dark presence near her. Slowly getting a bit bigger as the years go by, but this is the first time I've heard for another person that they too have seen something there."
Dumbledore sat there looking very troubled and this made a feeling of unease settle in Snape's stomach.
"Has this shadow ever caused anyone harm?" Snape asked.
Dumbledore shook his head, "No, my dear boy. In fact it may have been Lily who caused harm to that presence. You see there was once a time while I was visiting that the shadow may have tried to communicate with me."
Snape hide his shock well, but that feel of unease was growing and he wasn't sure why.
"What did it do?"
"It sent me a vision. No, I believe a better way to describe is it sent me its feelings."
'Feelings?' Snape wondered. Dumbledore continued on.
"It felt as though some unknown weight was crushing me, I could not breathe, and darkness…it was all I could see and feel. It was one of the most unpleasant things I have ever experienced."
Snape looked at his hands, he wasn't sure when they had started to grip the bed sheets so tightly, or why they were shaking, but they were. He tore his sight from them and refocused on Dumbledore.
"That is what I felt when the child made eye contact with me." The look Dumbledore gave him would've been priceless if he hadn't felt so ill with dread.
"Perhaps, Severus, you can see this child because in some way you are connected to him?"
"I don't see how I can be. I haven't talked to Lily in ten years." Snape was unsure how Dumbledore got such strange ideas in his head at times.
"Yes, and I would wager it was about ten years ago that this child appeared. Perhaps something happened between you two is what caused him to appear?" Dumbledore was looking at Snape with meaning as though trying to tell him a secret, but unable to.
"What are you getting at, old man?"
Dumbledore said nothing but gave him a sad look, patted his shoulder, and excused himself from the room.
Snape sneered down at his bed sheets and then suddenly he was up and his sheets were thrown across the room. He went to what he assumed was a joined bathroom. He needed to relax and forget anything had happened. Why should he be concerned that Lily was being haunted? It wasn't like the child was causing her harm, but it did seem to looking for help.
Begging actually when he really thought about it. No! No, he would not get involved. He wasn't responsible. So instead he pushed the thoughts from his mind and turned on the shower. He would enjoy his shower and then go to eat, he was sure that dinner would be severed or the house elves would wipe him up something if he asked. So, he showered and relaxed in the hot water for twenty minutes.
He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist, then pushed his soaked hair back from his face. As he reached for the mirror to wipe away the steam that had built up he stopped. For on the mirror words were appearing. It seemed as though someone was dragging their finger along the glass and writing a message in the steam.
Snape stared shocked and then when the message was done he stumbled back into the tub and couldn't stop looking at the steamed mirror.
For on it were the words:
My name is Harry.
I was born July 31, 1980, and then I was killed July 31, 1980.
It had been two weeks since the message on the mirror.
After Snape had calmed his nerves and gotten a house elf to get Dumbledore for him he had felt a bit better when Dumbledore had been able to see the message as well.
They had been unsure what to do, but they both knew now that there was something was amiss with Lily Potter. Something foul was a foot and Severus Snape was dead set on finding out what.
Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how he looked at it the message wasn't the last he heard from the child. No, it wasn't the last he heard from Harry.
It was three days after the message while walking back to his room alone he was confronted by the boy. It had been a long day and the lessons were not as easy as they had all thought they would be. Lily was a merciless teacher, but she was good at showing them what they needed to know, even Snape could admit that he needed to do better. So, that is how he found himself half asleep walking to his room, with different parts of the lesson floating around his head, and barely with a lick of sense with him. It was as he turned the corner that his mind became fully alert again.
He had gone from a well light hallway to pitch black, but that was not all. In front of him stood the child; Harry.
The child stood no taller than his hips and he looked up and Snape with such big eyes filled with hope that Snape wasn't sure what he had done to deserve such a look. Yet, Snape could not find it in him to turn away, so instead he asked, "What happened to you?"
The child opened his mouth to answer and Snape was once again assaulted by the pain that was torturing this child.
"Enough," he said loud and firmly. "Enough!"
The pain stopped and Snape opened his eyes not even realizing he had closed them. The hallway was no longer dark, and Harry was still there. Snape went down to his knees, to look the child in the eye, it had nothing to do with the fact his body ached and stomach felt like forcing itself out of his body.
"I understand. You were in pain. You were hurt, but how? How did you…who kill—" He couldn't ask it, he couldn't ask how this child's life had ended and who had done it. Though it seemed he did not need to ask, for a light appeared in the child's eye as though he understood. He smiled at Snape and then pointed at something behind him.
Snape turned to look over his shoulder and came to face Lily Potter. She stood there looking concerned and a bit panicked.
"Severus, what happened? Are you alright?" she asked as she bent down to help him up.
"I'm fine," he answered. Even though he sounded sure and confident he was panicking. The child had answered his unasked question, at least one of them.
"Who killed you?"
A child like voice in his head answered as Lily Potter helped him to his room, and his door closed.
"My mummy, Lily Potter."
Snape continued to look at Lily as she taught them the lesson today. Ethics in the classroom was the lesson; Snape could less it was Harry he was concerned about. It had been two weeks and it would be another two weeks before this was over. He wasn't sure if he could figure out this mystery in two weeks. All he knew now was that Lily Potter had killed a child named Harry, but why and how?
Why would Lily do something so horrible? She was one of the kindest people Snape knew. She couldn't even find it in herself to hurt vermin. He should know! She had refused to kill a roach when it had taken up resident on her herbology book one afternoon. Snape had to zap the thing away before she would do anything. How could someone who couldn't kill a bug take human life? It didn't make sense.
Not only that, it seemed that this ghost child had taken a liking to Snape, he would appear at odd times, but mostly when Snape was alone. Mostly it happened when Snape was going to bed. The boy would appear and look as though he was peaking into Snape's room, and as Snape lay down to sleep Harry would climb into bed and sleep with him. Well, Snape supposed if the ghost child needed sleep he would be sleeping, but perhaps the child just wanted to feel a connection with someone that could see him? The odd thing was the child didn't feel icy cold against Snape's body, no he felt warm and almost alive.
The class came to an end and Snape gathered up his things and headed to his room, ignoring everyone else and not bothering with polite conversation.
When he entered his room he was surprised to find not only Harry but also a house elf waiting for him.
"Mister Snape, sir?" the house elf asked timidly.
"Yes," he answered as he placed his things at the desk in the room.
"Fin, needs to be talking with Mister Snape, sir, please." The elf was wringing his hands together and looking very nervous.
Snape took a seat at his desk and nodded.
"Fin be knowing that Mister Snape, sir cans sees thing. This no else has been able to sees."
Snape's eyes drifted to where Harry was playing with a toy that hadn't been there, and Snape was sure that it wasn't there right now. Fin's eyes followed and he nodded solemnly.
"You mean Harry?" Snape asked.
"Yes. Fin can't be telling Mister Snape anything, but Fin can give Mister Snape something. She never said we couldn't give anything, just couldn't say nothings." Fin said as he pulled out a small hardcover book and handed it to Snape.
Snape took the book and put it aside. "Who said you couldn't say anything?"
Fin shook his head violently then started to pinch and twist his ears, Snape had a pretty good idea who.
"Enough," he said. "You have done what you needed to do. I don't need you here anymore. You can leave."
Fin gave him a grateful look then disappeared with a crack.
James and I have been trying so hard to have a child. It seems that it will be more difficult than we firs thought, but I'm sure we will be successful in the end!
Still no luck. It's been about seven months now and I think I may have to go to the healers to see if everything is fine with me. My mother said that she and dad both had problems conceiving Petunia and I, so perhaps I'm having the same problem? I can only hope.
It seems that I'm perfectly fine and that everything is in working order. They only thing that can mean is that the problem lies with James, but how can I approach him about this? I don't want him to feel bad, and I don't want to make him feel less like a man. I don't know what to do.
I asked James if he would be willing to go to the healer's to get checked out. He lost it and the argument was horrible. I don't I've ever cried so much. Not even that time Petunia called me a freak and we stopped talking.
James is so mad at me and saying that there's nothing wrong with him that it has to be my fault. Maybe he's right?
James and I made up. He says he's sorry but that he won't be going to the healer's. I told him I understand and that we'll just keep trying. That's all we can both do. We'll just try!
It's not working. Nothing is working. I tried potions. I slipped potions into James' food, drinks, anything. Nothing works. I've even tried muggle means but nothing is working. I can't fail James! I just can't. I have to get pregnant and give him a child! I need to!
I had the most wonderful idea today! If James' seed won't work I'll just use someone else and pass the child off as James'. He'll never know since he won't get check out and I'm sure that we can love the child together. There are spells and potions to make sure our child will look like him for the rest of its life. I'm sure everything will turn out fine!
I decided on who I'm going to use. I can't use Sirius or Remus because they are James' best friends and there is no way I can do that to any of them. Peter is out of the question simply because of the falling out the four of them had in sixth year. I can't just use a stranger. It has to be someone I know will have good genetics and is strong magically. Leaves the only other male I know; Severus.
It worked! After months of planning everything out and making sure nothing could go wrong I did it! It wasn't great, but then Snape couldn't really do much. He won't remember much. The muggle drugs I got made him tranquil and befuddled his mind so much that he won't remember. I suppose it was wrong but I'm sure if he knew what he had helped with he would understand, but he'll never know. I won't speak to him again after this and we'll never see each other again. Never, ever again.
This isn't happening! Just when I'm about to tell James that I'm pregnant he goes and does this! How could he do this to me? HOW? After everything I did for him? For us?
He finally got the balls and went to the healer. The healer told him that he had a narrow urethra but with a potion regiment in about ten or so months he should be fine and we should be able to conceive with no more trouble!
No, no, no! What do I do? What do I DO?
I'm hiding it. I'll hide it until I can get rid of it, and then when I get rid of it. This horrible, horrible, abomination.
These pass nine months were horrible. The charms I had to use were so taxing on my body but I did it. I got through this without James knowing. The delivery was hard but I was lucky. James was away on assignment and I got a muggle nursemaid to help me deliver. A simple oblivate and no worries there.
The only problem was the baby. No, it. It was the problem. I couldn't help myself I named him. He was such a beautiful child. Harry, I named him Harry. I think Severus would've liked that.
Oh…oh god! What have I done?
No, no. This was for the best. For James and me and our future family.
Besides I can always go visit little Harry under the large elm behind the house. He'll always be there.
Snape was running. He had to run. He needed to get there. He had to find his son.
His son, the one he never knew. The one Lily raped him to conceive. There was no other way of putting it. Lily Potter had drugged him to the point where he could not fight back; he could not stop her, fuck he hadn't be able to remember it until he had read about it.
No, no, he had to keep going. The old large elm in the back of the Potter home, that's where Lily buried his son. The son he never got to have. The son she fucking took away from him! Why? Why hadn't she just given him up for adoption? Then Snape could've found out and gone his son, and raised him. She didn't have to kill the baby. Why did she kill his son?
Was it because Severus was a shitty person? He would've changed; he would've done anything for his son! Anything!
Yet, here he was no running to an unmarked grave to see if it was true. See if Lily really had killed his child as soon as he was born.
Harry, that little ghost boy was his child. His Harry!
Snape feel to his knees and stared at the small bones he had just dug up from the grave.
A quick 'point me', once he had found the tree, had directed him to underneath it. He hadn't even bothered with his wand; he had dug through the dirt to his son and found his tiny bones.
They were so small, so very, very, small.
"Oh god," he gasped. "Oh god, no, no!"
He curled himself over his find. His body hurt so much, but only because he could feel his heart breaking. How could he live through this? It hurt so much!
"NO! MY BOY! NOOO!"
That is how Dumbledore found him, sobbing over his dead son's infant bones, his hand dirty, his face tear stained, and him inconsolable.
As the aurors took Lily Potter away and the healers looked him over Snape wasn't sure if he could ever cover from this. How could he? Lily had taken away his choice to be a father. She had defiled their friendship and him in a horrible way. Even if all this got him an apology from Potter, who apparently suspected something, but never had the balls to man up and find out. Everyone knew but no one had bothered to help his baby boy.
"Severus?"
Snape raised his tired eyes to look at Dumbledore.
"How are you my boy?"
He shrugged in response. What did it matter? He was sure he had left who he was as a person under that tree.
"Severus, I had hoped that it wasn't this. I had hoped that my suspicions were wrong, but they were not, and for that I am sorry."
Dumbledore sat down next to Snape and looked at the man in front of him.
"How did you know?"
Dumbledore pulled him close and Snape knew that this was a hug, unwanted by the old Snape, but the Snape now could only lean into the comfort.
"I found you after Lily drugged you. Mind you I didn't know it was her at the time. It wasn't until ten years ago when I first saw the shadow that I got an idea. I didn't tell you this at the time, but I didn't just feel the pain. Harry showed me something; he showed me you and Lily. The night she drugged you and…and…and—"
"Raped me?"
Dumbledore nodded, unable to say those words.
"Yes, Harry showed me. He must have taken Lily's memory and showed it to me. Severus I wanted to tell you. I did, but I believe that Harry stopped me at the same time. He wanted you to find him, to save him and you did."
Snape stiffened at those words. He had saved his son? Had he really?
At that moment a child ran by him, chasing a white butterfly. The butterfly slowly disappeared into the sky, and the child followed but he stopped and turned back to look at Snape.
Snape gasped and at his gasp Dumbledore looked up and stiffened in shock.
Harry stood there looking happy and fine. His skin looked healthy and glowed with an otherworldly light. His eyes were shining and his smile was bright. Before he turned from them to follow his guide he gave a farewell.
"Thank you. Goodbye."