Diary of a Mad Black Fan: Part 2: The Sirius Saga Continues

By Blue Eyes At Night a.k.a. Aspen Sorcha Stanton ( My lovely pureblood pricks of parents made my initials A.S.S….maybe that's why I'm so well adjusted smile )

June 20, 1975

"Today is the first day of the rest of your lives". Ah the wisdom of the snack lady on the Hogwarts Express.

Well, we got home today; we're all officially on our own.

I'm not going to say that it frightens me; I'm just going to say that I'm not feeling stable…oops, never mind just a spot of nausea.

So, as James and Lily went off to their respective houses and made kissy noises at each other (I really need to have a word with them about their PDA), as Remus went off to his own home, as Peter strung along with his mum, Sirius and I Floo-ed to our new flat.

There's nothing like walking into a completely bare flat. Like, your looking for a couch and there's just a bunch of boxes. Well, that's a lie. There was also a flying motorbike sitting sedately in the corner looking as in place as a tramp in a vicar's room. But I suppose Sirius couldn't leave his true firstborn outside, God forbid it rains and a spot got on the paint or something.

I sometimes regret that bike, but it makes him so….horny. I can never regret something that puts a man's sex drive into overdrive.

So we get in and throw down our trunks and decide that we have to christen the new floor by shagging like wild animals… what? Don't you?

It was lunch time so we decided (after working up a significant appetite) that we'd leave unpacking to after a square meal and headed into the Muggle area. Oh, I should probably explain that we lived in a Muggle section of London. A lot of wizards do. Any who, we weren't like overly close to our Muggle neighbors and we figured that if Sirius didn't fly the bike until the coast was clear, then everything would be peachy.

But we were only a couple blocks away from about thirty really good restaurants. And I made Sirius take me to a classy joint. Burger King, I mean, it was the royalty of processed meat and I fully intended on being with the best. Sirius rolled his eyes, blamed the garbage disposal slowly getting bigger in my womb, and ordered onion rings, fries, two large Cokes (Lily said they were good), and two huge burgers with everything on it. Well…everything but sardines but one flick of a well hidden wand later I was enjoying myself.

After lunch we knew it was time to tackle the apartment. We made a list of priorities: bedroom, bathroom, kitchen.

You know? Where I got knocked up, my first stop in the morning, and the giver of my eccentric meals. Priorities people!

I claimed those three rooms and told him the den was his. He shocked me by being considerate and asked what we planned on doing to the baby's room.

Okay, so he said, "What we going to do to the little bastard's hole?"

But still…I give him an E, he exceeded expectations.

After a good hour of spelling stuff into the bedroom and scourgify-ing the bathroom, I decided that it was dinner time.

"And what would you like, House Elf Britches?"

After slapping Sirius I decided I wanted ice cream…badly. Not just any ice cream. This lovely concoction that Fortesque had. But we didn't have any Floo Powder for our fireplace yet, so we had to take the bike.

You can imagine how devastated Sirius was (eye roll). So he dropped me at Fortesque's and I sent him out for Floo Powder and more gold and sat down to enjoy my Almond, Hazelnut, Marshmellow, Chocolate, Pistacio and Raspberry ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry.

Of course, thanks to James, I was able to put some Tabasco on. God love that man.

I was oddly appreciative of my cravings because it meant Sirius didn't try to steal any of my food any more.

Of course, he tried.

Then he got a whiff of what morning sickness feels like…

Ha bloody ha you horny bastard (grin)

June 22, 1975

I HATE boggarts! I ruddy hate boggarts! Who likes them? Who likes being scaried out of their bloody mind when your reaching under the sink to hide some emergency Chocolate and Instant Chili packets?

Not I!

And that's exactly what happened while I was making the kitchen suitable for habitation.

A boggart pops out from beneath the sink and scares the living shite out of me. I was caught unaware and started screaming, which of course is the thing to do when there's a man homicidal wizard on the loose.

Sirius comes dashing in and that's when the dead version of him coming after me turned into a naked Snape. And that's when I realized it was a boggart.

A boggart with a ruddy strong stomach, I'll give it that. I couldn't impersonate Snape naked for all the Tabasco sauce in all the world…I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Sirius wanted to know why I was screaming by seeing him dead if I knew he was alive and well in the den. And I said because I was more afraid of Infiri then anything else because I think it's cruel and unusual to have the people you love and believe to be at peace come after you from beyond the grave. Like…I dunno what but it's always given me the willies.

Which meant that I needed to go to Honeydukes right away. I mean immediately. Three bags of Peppermint Pixies later I was feeling better.

I hate it when sinks attack.

June 29, 1975

Sirius is off at Auror Training. Brutal it is. He's been so exhausted that we haven't had sex in a week. A week. I mean, we're going to break our personal best soon.

So basically I've had nothing to do but get fat. And fat I am getting. You can see the bump! I mean…bloody hell you can see the bump!

I mean, I knew there was going to be a bump but I am concerned. It's ruddy big now and I'm only five months pregnant. I mean…sheesh!

I wonder how much weight I gained. It's been a lot of eating recently, there's nothing else to do with Sirius at training but nest and eat.

I'm afraid of the scale though…I mean…what girl isn't?

Well….Lily isn't but she DOESN'T COUNT!

LATER

Okay…twelve pounds. I can handle twelve pounds! I mean, twelve pounds is normal, right? I mean…ok…three weeks ago I was twelve pounds lighter and this bump was more of a ….slight incline…and….

I need to talk to someone…where's Lily?

LATER AGAIN

Two cups of hot chocolate with orange juice (okay, so I was the only one with orange juice) Lily was talking to me as she brewed a potion for James' mum. She said she had looked it up (cause she looks up everything I swear she does! Couldn't live without a ruddy book) and said it's perfectly normal.

LATER-ER

So I'm a normal fat cow.

EVEN MORE LATER-ER

I'm a randy normal fat cow and I want my boyfriend.

July 1, 1975

Sirius got a nasty shock last night. I know he's tired with all the training he's going through but… dammit I need attention right now cause my stomach is beginning to resemble Peter Pettigrew's head and it's frightening me.

So he came home and I wasn't in bed and he wandered about our apartment looking as though he had a question mark hovering over his head. He found me in the baby's room (which as of now had a lot of empty boxes and a bean bag chair that looked awful in our living room) crying my eyes out.

And I told him I was a fat ugly cow with a Pettigrew head sticking out my stomach and I gained twelve pounds and I wanted to shag really badly.

And so we shagged….really badly.

I think at least half the things we did were illegal in Britain, but no one heard that from me.

Sirius, despite being exhausted, said that he didn't think I was fat, he thought I might have swallowed a Quaffle covered in Tabasco sauce but he didn't think I was fat. And I could never be ugly. And he thought that the Quaffle-tummy was a lovely addition.

He can be so sweet.

July 5, 1975

Lily got a job! She's working at this potions shop in Diagon Alley, which works out well for me because I visit with her during the day and weight myself on the giant scales in the back room. I've gained another three pounds.

I never thought I'd be so upset about three measly pounds!

Have discussed with Lily ideas I have for the baby's room…she basically offered to do it for me. Bring her to a baby store and its like giving sugar to five year olds (i.e. James or Sirius). I mean she cooed over EVERYTHING! I had to pry stuff out of her hands!

It was ridiculous, though I have to admit; I had a fun time telling this really uptight matronly grandmother type that I was carrying Lily's and my lovechild who was made with the sperm of a homicidal maniac that was really a good guy.

I still don't know the baby's sex and Lily said she could make a Potion that would tell me, but I declined. I dunno, I kind of want to be surprised.

I kind of want to ask Sirius what he wants.

I kind of want a waffle.

And a shag.

July 10, 1975

I was offered a job at Lily's Potion shop as I hang around there so much it made sense for them to pay me. I like it even though I never thought I'd ever touch a Potions book ever again in my miserable life. I should note that they don't want me touching a potions book ever again in my miserable life either and try to keep me in sales.

On a personal note (this is a diary, isn't it all personal notes?) I only gained a pound. Take that hormones!

July 14, 1975

Got an owl from Dumbledore calling a meeting for the Order of the Pheonix for tonight. That means Sirius and James will be getting off early from Auror Academy to visit their "evil wretch of a mother who's convientently ill" and "ailing aunt" (respectively). Well….can't fault Sirius with lying!

LATER

Dumbledore says its much worse then the Prophet is letting on and has given us all surveillance jobs. Sirius and James are to watch inside the Academy for fishy things, the kind of things that only the trainees know about. Lily is to watch for illegal substances or orders under the counter and I am to watch customers for odd patterns or behavior.

Must note that McGonagall found out at this meeting that I was pregnant (Dumbledore, not surprised, the old man knows everything I swear!) and she fainted.

Upon waking she just stared at Sirius and I and said, "I'm not sure the world is big enough for a combination of you two."

Way to add some padding to Sirius' already enormous ego.

The good part about this meeting was that Sirius was home considerably earlier then normal and gets tomorrow off as well.

Hehehehehe…wonder if that beanbag chair is up for another go?

July 15, 1975

After a fantastic night of shagging, we laid in bed for most of the morning as Sirius kissed my big tummy and talked to the baby.

I had to "earmuffs" him a couple times, but it was all worth it. It's the most alone time we've had in a while.

After a hearty breakfast of capers, lox and suishi (Sirius had a bagel) I told Sirius that I wanted to decorate the baby's room but I didn't know what to decorate it with.

He said, "Easy, lots of blue with some Quidditch posters, a little toy broom, maybe a mobile that has a snitch on it…"

"Hold on!" I interrupted, "What if it's a girl?"

He gave me an odd look and pointed at my tummy, "Listen, mate, I've got nothing against girls! I love girls! But…but…you're the first Junior Marauder and the boys and I were hoping for someone to carry on the pranking name…you think you can do that for your dad?"

I put my arms over my tummy and put my foot down, "Excuse me, Sirius Black, if this is a girl I will not have you lowering her self esteem by asking her to be a boy!"

It was a good sized argument, and it ended with me crying and Sirius saying, "I'm sorry! You're right! It doesn't matter….we'll just paint the room Gryffindor colors."

"AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY HOUSE'S COLOR YOU GREAT PRAT!"

July 19, 1975

So…while Sirius is back at Auror Academy and Lily and I are pushing Potions…I've decided to do the baby's room anyway.

But I'm sure he'll like it! I've compromised! I think…

July 23, 1975

Spying for Dumbledore is boring work. But better news! The Auror Academy has decided that since the Academy is vulnerable to an attack by Death-Eaters (even though its full of Aurors, sometimes the Ministry is full of morons) and that all Auror trainees are to have a couple weeks off while they up the defenses and check everyone's background or some such nonsense.

So in other words, tomorrow Sirius will be here and I will surprise him with the baby's room! Excited!

So is Lily…I swear if she and James don't move in together soon!

July 24, 1975

Showed Sirius the baby's room….and he loved it. Emerald green and gold. Slytherin and Gryffindor. Just like us.

Maybe this whole baby thing is going to be okay after all….I'll check back in later…we're going to go celebrate his return!

July 29, 1975

Sirius and I have been getting into outfitting the baby's room…he had to buy a broom but we've decided everything else is going to be unisex.

We've also decided we're going to be surprised when the baby's born, find out what sex it is then.

Until then, we're going to be having plenty of sex…you know…one of those darn pregnancy symptoms. (wink)

Author's Note: Dear God…here we go again!

Now I'm sure you'll note that the category is Humor/Drama. I felt that is appropriate as we actually do have a serious plot. I mean there's Voldemort, there's babies and there's Order of the Pheonix…but there's also Aspen and that's just hilarious.

Review please please please!

Tell me what you think!