Hikaru moved out of the twins' room a week ago, but that wasn't the only change in the Hitachi household. His attitude was different now. He was distant from his own twin, his soul mate. Moving out of the room may as well have been moving out of the house for all the time he was actually home.
The rare times he WAS home his door was locked; he had brought someone with him.
Kaoru couldn't help but wonder why this change came about. Why from one day to the next his "big brother," his twin, his other half, shut him out. What kind of trouble did he find in the arms of these nameless people? Why, despite all his begging and asking, Hikaru refused to see him.
What hurt more than being shunned was probably the oblivion he was drowning in; the fact that his own twin refused to tell him why this was happening. Why he suddenly felt the need to push him away with such intensity, creating a gap so vast between them, that for the first time in their entire life, Kaoru didn't know how to respond to his twin.
He could no longer feel him on the other end of their bond. He couldn't feel his own twin, anymore; the person whom he once shared one body, soul and heart with.
His absence wouldn't stop Kaoru from trying to find his scent, his essence; the remainder of the warmth that Hikaru radiated.
2:32 a.m. and Kaoru stands before the door to Hikaru's new room; Staring into the carved design of the wood as if he could will it, open. His hand finds the warm doorknob, only to find it unlocked and with a sharp exhale of breath he wasn't aware he was holding, he pushes it open.
The room is empty. Hikaru isn't home.
Moving into the room, he stands amidst the chaos. Clothes strewn about carelessly; hanging off of every surface, in piles on the floor and on the bed.
It takes him a full minute to realize how stuffy and hot the air is. His bangs are already sticking to his forehead. This room is unlived in; as if the inhabitants left in such a hurry, leaving such disorder in the midst of their commotion.
In their shared room, Hikaru had always demanded the room be cold. Had said it was great for cuddling. He had wanted their things arranged in a certain way, having maids come in as he directed his preference for the state of their room and the order in which things were put away.
Standing in the eye of this hurricane, it hit him full force, how much like a stranger his brother felt. He may as well have walked into the neighbor's home, for all he knew him.
With slow and heavy strides Kaoru returned to his own room.
He had to get away. He knew it wasn't Kaoru's fault but he had to. He couldn't control himself anymore. How do you control a rabid animal? You can't. You cage it. You get away from it.
He'd caged it for as long as he could. Allowing himself small tastes here and there;
Small moments so nonchalant, that the other would never notice, but it wasn't enough anymore.
He knew he was being cruel, that Kaoru would never, ever, push HIM away, for any reason whatsoever. But this was different. This was all-consuming. Something neither of them would have ever prepared for. Not really. It was all an act, but he couldn't continue the charade anymore when he wanted the reality. He wanted to tear into the other twin, to consume every part of him until they were one, again.
He couldn't cross that line, though. He wouldn't. He had to get away.
Hikaru knew kaoru wasn't stupid. The younger twin knew he was being avoided, that he was the sole reason for such a drastic change, but didn't know why. That's exactly how Hikaru wanted to keep it.
Hikaru had moved out of the twins' room a week ago.
He wished he could be someone else, anyone, so it wouldn't be so wrong. The same thoughts that excited him made him feel sick. Some twisted line was begging to be crossed and although he wanted it in every cell in his body, he was also terrified of it. Terrified of what it would be like on the other side of this thing that could never be undone.
In this loneliness, his chest hurt; the physical manifestation of the heartache he felt in his soul. The longing for his twin, his other half, the one person he'd been with his whole life. This gap that was so hard to fill was drowning him in loneliness.
But, in this loneliness, his fantasies roamed free. Just the thought of his twin helped ease the pressure, if only by a sliver. His hands roam down his body, to his groin, finding the already swollen flesh underneath. He feels disgusted with himself; with the desire that gnaws at him, unrelenting.
The opposing war within him is too much and he surrenders to one. His twin's face fills his head as he begins to stroke himself. Thoughts of the way kaoru scrunches his nose when he doesn't like something, or the pout that forms on his lips when he's upset.
The way he bites his lower lip when he's deep in thought.
The way he curls into himself in his sleep.
The way his hair curls up in the morning.
The scent of his bedsheets.
The faraway gaze he slips into when he's trying not to cry.
Every little gesture, every little thing that makes up who Kaoru is, fills his mind, wishing he knew other sides of him.
Wishing he knew the sound of his sighs, his moans, or the way he'd arch his back, the way his hips would feel between his hands.
It isn't until he cums that his repulsion returns. He rolls onto his side, his hands stained with his previous desire, now bitter evidence. He wipes his palm on the bed sheets. He tries to forget. His sigh amplified in the empty room.
He closes his eyes fading into a lonely and sobering calmness. Music begins to echo throughout the house and he knows that Kaoru is practicing at the piano. The Melody lulls him into sleep. His visions filled with the face of his other half.
Kaoru's hands slide across the keys as his fingers slowly dance with the music.
This beautiful melody comes from inside him.
Hikaru lays on his side, watching him from the couch, entranced with the way Kaoru looks up at him from under his bangs; entranced with the easiness in him, as he bares his soul through this instrument.
He's never, once, kissed those lips, but he's wondered what they taste like. Those hands that glide expertly across the keys have never touched him, but he wonders what they'd feel like.
He can't say any of it. Words would end this, ruin it and turn it into a nightmare. This moment in time is his secret, because their love is forbidden, unnatural.
He smiles. Kaoru is playing his favorite song, and their eyes find each other's', that connection wiping away any thoughts from his mind.
Hikaru is speechless, anyway. He wants to know what lies behind those eyes; what he's thinking. He wants to know, to hear those unspoken words, His deepest secrets. He wonders if this moment in time will mean the same for Kaoru.
His head is filled with the music Kaoru's hands make, he almost misses the way the younger twin's lips move, and the way he turns to him and whispers above the twinkling notes, "Love is never unnatural."
Hikaru awakes with a gasp, realizing his face is damp with tears he'd shed in his dream. It is a rare moment when reality exceeds fantasy…
Like the night before, he's tired of being alone, of being free to be consumed by his thoughts. He brings home someone with him.
Raven locks and eyes as blue as the sea; He's handsome, he'll give him that, but this isn't who he really wants. He's sure he isn't who this guy wants either, but they'll each have to do. They can sense the real longing underneath the surface in each other. Maybe that's why they sought each other out. They can help ease each other's pain, if only for a night.
As the lock clicks into place the stranger comes up to him, encircling him in his arms from behind. Hikaru turns into the other's embrace, pushing his lips to the other's neck, kissing the warm skin. The stranger's hands come up to the collar of Hikaru's shirt, making quick work of the buttons before pushing the fabric off his shoulders. The older twin's hands pulling up the fabric of the others' shirt; pausing the exploration of his lips only to fully remove the material.
The blue eyed boy kisses him roughly, allowing them both to remove themselves from the moment and into their own fantasies.
Clothes are shed on the way to the bed, both boys landing in a heap on top of the sheets. The heat in the room leaves their skin with a light sheen of sweat, before the main event has even begun. He cannot bear to face this stranger, to be reminded that this isn't Kaoru, so he turns him onto his hands and knees, gently kissing up his spine and the back up his neck.
The first push into this strangers' body made easier by the lube, and yet still painful to his soul. This is wrong. He isn't Kaoru. This body isn't familiar to him. These sighs and moans; calling for another.
He pumps into this stranger, almost automatically. His body knows what to do even if his mind isn't completely into it.
Hips push back against Hikaru's, both boys panting hard, now, fighting their way to their own peaks.
The raven-haired boy reaches his arm back to hold onto one of the hands Hikaru has on his hips. Groaning out a muffled, "It's ok" as he pushes his face down into the mattress. A stifled sob leaves the boy beneath him, as they both cum; the names of their beloved ones on their lips.
The boy is gone when he wakes a couple of hours later. It's still early, not even ten, yet.
He sits at the table, waiting for breakfast, lost in thoughts too far away to fully grasp. This dull aching in his brain dulls his senses, numbing him.
Before his food is even brought to him a maid walks in, letting him know his mother has requested his presence; never a good sign.
It's a good thing he was summoned beforehand had a chance to eat. He's not sure his stomach could have handled it. He feels nauseous, he thinks he's hyperventilating, but he's receded too far into his mind to really be sure. He can feel tears stinging behind his eyes, building rapidly and threatening to spill. He wants to scream, to get on his knees and beg Kaoru to reconsider. He would do anything.
Feeling like a helpless child, unable to eloquently put into words, what he feels. He wants to cry, to kick and scream.
But he just stands before his mother, with Kaoru next to her desk, both of them on one side and him on the other. He grits his teeth to maintain composure as his mother stares at him, repeating Kaoru's words. "Did you hear him Hikaru? He's going to study abroad." She's waiting for a reaction. Hikaru knows this.
She finds it as strange as everyone else how apathetic and distant he's become toward Kaoru.
Bringing himself out of the turmoil inside of him, he realizes he's been standing silently for a couple of minutes, staring blankly at the carpet.
He nods. He can't speak, but it wouldn't matter because he doesn't know what to say anyway.
For the first time in a couple of weeks, he turns to Kaoru, searching his face for an explanation. Kaoru, however, avoids his gaze. Shit. That hurts on such a deep level, it's like being punched in the soul. He can't imagine how Kaoru has dealt with this pain.
And yet, some big part of him is also mad. Mad at Kaoru for making such a big decision, for leaving him without warning!
Such a hypocrite, he realizes. He's the one who left Kaoru. It suddenly dawns on him that this is how Kaoru must have felt. That it didn't matter if he moved down the hall, it may as well have been halfway across the world. He pushed him to this. He did this to himself. He's just giving him what he'd asked for; to be alone, to be away from him.
His mother asks again, but he cuts her off mid-sentence. "I'm not an idiot, I heard you. Is that all?" Stunned by the unexpected reaction his mother nods, and Hikaru turns on his heel. The last thing he sees is the way Kaoru's eyes look up at him from beneath his bangs.
He slams the door behind him so hard that the window frames and ceiling fan shake. He doesn't care. Suddenly, everything is grating. All of these stupid, useless things! These stupid clothes that never fit into a fuckin' drawer!
Nothing ever stays in its god-damned place! He's grabbing and pulling at all of the fabric, anything within his reach. He stomps around the room, tearing picture frames, mirrors, and adornments, off the walls and hurling them at the floor, across the room. He's relishing in the sounds they make as they shatter. He's pulling the sheets of the bed with such force that the edges tear.
It's not enough. He pushed over his dresser, slamming and pulling the doors of the closet, wanting to do more damage than he really can.
He stands, panting in the middle of this chaos. His hands ball into fists as the first wave comes. Tears stream down his cheeks, hot and burning. The frustration bubbles up in his chest as he doubles over and heaves.
How does he get him to stay? How can he even begin to apologize for the pain he caused his own twin? How does he explain? How?!
Curling up on himself on the floor, he sobs unfiltered, raw emotion. At war with himself; missing his twin with his entire soul, but also wanting him in ways that make him feel sick.
He cries his throat raw. Low, whispered pleas spill from his lips out into the abyss. "Please...Please don't leave me."
Emotion-drained and empty, Hikaru isn't aware he falls asleep until he awakes several hours later, sober and aching everywhere; his heart, his chest, his back, his throat and lungs.
As he straightens up he glances at the damage he's caused, his room finally matching the turmoil inside of him. The pain returns. But no more tears come, there is nothing left inside of him, anymore.
His room is cold now, he's not sure why. Slowly, he leaves his room, the room. Despite the pounding headache and throbbing heartache, his body moves on autopilot to the room that's so familiar, to the place he's always known as theirs.
The lights are off, and he can see Kaoru's sleeping form in the middle of their bed. Subconsciously, he notes that it feels like there's something missing. It seems as though half of the contents have been ripped clean out. A room so accustomed to maintaining two people's things now contains holes where the other half has been so forcefully and fastly removed.
Through the pain, both physical and emotional he suddenly understands that he can't ask him to stay. No matter how much he apologizes and begs him, he did the WORST thing he could have ever done, and that's shutting out his twin. Leaving him, shunning him, is far worse than anything else. He pushed him away because it was convenient for HIM, and now he wants Kaoru to stay because it's convenient for HIM. He's selfish. Who is he to ask for this much? Who is he to ask him to stay, but also stay away?
Tonight he sleeps alone, remorse filling his pores and engulfing him with the regret of what he's done.
Author's Note:
Hi guys :) this started out as a revamp for an old fanfic, "When You're Gone" but I've decided to take it in a whole different direction. I have several different routes I can take with this but it all depends on what you wanna read more about. I can either go with what I have planned or if you all have any suggestions feel free to leave a comment or message me on twitter Yara_Blair