~*~*~*~*~
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough,
Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
~*~*~*~*~
His thoughts raced as did his feet over the broken pavement of the parking garage. Hot tears were threatening to fall and shuddering sobs fought and clawed their way up his throat only to be swallowed down before they could break the seal of his lips. His name was shouted out behind him, echoing off the walls with a tremble that matched the one in his mind, yet he didn't—couldn't turn around and face the owner; there wasn't a point anymore, there wasn't a point to anything anymore. Life was leeched of its color, food of its flavor, words of their meaning. He hated the double life he was leading, hate that he was losing himself to the darkness that was slowly eating away at him. And he hated that he was hurting the one man that he had pledged himself to for the rest of their natural days. But there was a side to him that he never confided in his lover, a side that he denied to having—after all what type of person would want pain over gentle touches and loving caresses. Matt Hardy, that's who.
He fought and clawed to keep those dark desires hidden deep; putting more effort into making his union work. He made every romantic overture, showered him with all the usual gifts and even a few unusual ones. But in the end it was waiting there; stalking the shadows ready to rear its head and ruin what he worked so hard to create. He had thought that he had found his salvation one night while sitting in the hotel bar drowning his mental anguish under the guise of spending time with his brother while they were in town. There had been no beautiful trading of words as their bodies slipped and slid together, no whispered pledges of love and commitment. All it was was the sating of Matt's needs; the humiliation of being forced to beg for what he wanted, the pain of his skin being torn by nails and the tender flesh of his ass beaten raw when he turned mouthy or pushed his luck. Afterwards they parted ways; neither speaking to the other more than what was required in order to not arouse suspicion.
Their set up had worked for a while until he wanted more than what Matt wanted to give. He became pushy, trailing Matt through the venues and whispering threats about how he would take Matt's lover aside and explain to him that his precious lover wasn't as faithful as he seemed to be; that his soft coddling wasn't what he wanted to feel. Matt brushed him off, laughing at the poor threats, after all Chris loved him; there was no way that his dirty little secret would ever get out; even if Matt told Chris himself. The blonde had this mechanism that cloaked all the harsh truths and turned them into pretty lies that he could deal with—or so Matt thought. Turns out that the Game knew how to play the game better than the best, and in a shower of angry words and shouted expletives that Matt was sure the entire combined rosters heard his entire world had been laid open for all to see; his soul bared for judgment and condemnation. Yet even in the throes of anguish and sadness there was nothing more than a dull ache to alert him that he was falling, that he was hurting.
Matt's wild flight was stopped by a forearm to the chest; the blow sickening as he went down; ghostly cracks from his chest sounding in the sudden quite while his breathing pitched from harsh pants to barely audible inhales. His eyes were screwed tight as the savored feeling of wracking pain; his lips peeled back in a pleasured grimace as the sick warmth seeped through his body and pooled down in his groin until it straining against the spandex mixture of his tights and made his skin hot and humid within the confines. He was yanked back to his feet and slammed against one of the parked cars; the remaining breath knocked from his body as the sticky material was ripped clean from his body. Hot large hands pinched and groped; leaving dark kisses in their wake while teeth scored skin and brought hisses from parted lips. Screaming echoed in his ears as he was violently penetrated; his prostrate being slammed against mercilessly until his body emptied on the silver flecked green car. The screams got louder and for the first time he realized that it wasn't the sound of his own voice but a voice that he knew better than his own.
"C-Chris…"
The man behind him laughed and slammed home one more time; and the look on Chris' face told the story. His cerulean eyes closed to slits and he launched himself over the hood of the car; the impact of him hitting Hunter, ripping the large blonde from Matt's body and sending more pain coursing through his veins and like a sick lullaby as his eye started to slip closed. Dimly through the raging heat and searing jolts that were rocking his body Matt felt cool hands on his face and his lips formed a ghastly smile; his tongue flicking out and wetting his lips and tasted the coppery flavor of blood from where his face had met the side of the car over and over again. Words that made no sense made an even more jumbled mess to his ears and thankfully his body shut down; blocking out even the wail of sirens and the hushed whispers of those that followed and formed a ring about the three men.
~*~*~*~*~
You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you'll understand
~*~*~*~*~
Slowly Matt felt his eyes open, light pouring in and making him squint them back closed. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know where he was. The heavy scent of disinfectant gave it away. Coolness dribbled over his brow and the soft feel of skin against his cheek prompted him to once more try to get his eyes to obey and stay open. This time the slit showed him what his brain already knew; he was in a hospital and the person treating him with such love and care was Chris. For a moment their eyes caught and held before Matt dropped his shamefully. His throat closed as he thought about what he was going to say—how does one explain that he felt so empty that he'd needed to hurt just to know that he was alive? More so how could he explain that he had only sought that treatment outside of his marriage because he knew that Chris couldn't—wouldn't—do it. He brought his eyes up again, their depths confused when he seen that the oceanic eyes weren't awash in tears, weren't demanding an answer to the questions that where swirling in his mind.
He opened his mouth but Chris shook his head and once more mopped his brow with the cool rag. A cough sounded in the room and drew Matt's eyes away from his husband and towards the imposing figure of Vince McMahon. The older man's eyes were darting around the room and a deep red colored his cheeks while Stephanie stood behind him; her pretty face drawn up in a scowl of pained anger—whether at Matt or Hunter, Matt didn't know but had the feeling that he was about to find out.
"I-" Vince started, but Matt cut him off, his secret and the story of what really happened pouring from his lips rapidly.
Stunned and awkward silence filled the room as three sets of eyes bore into him; making Matt's skin crawl and shudder as he waited. The cool hand on his forehead disappeared and Vince's eyes turned from Matt as another cough escaped him while Stephanie refused to meet his eyes. Finally the room emptied out; Vince mumbling apologies while Chris just adverted his eyes and Stephanie glared coldly. There were no other visitors, and soon Matt was left to picking at his IV, the cold liquid dripping into his veins being the only thing that was keeping him going insane. A young nurse wandered in some time later and added something to Matt's solution and within moments his eyes closed; blacking the world from his vision. Some time later through the cottony darkness a voice broke over him in sobbing waves and Matt fought the sleep inducing poison that was coursing through his veins; his eyes fighting to open and see who it was that was acting as though he had died.
"Why couldn't I be what you needed? Why couldn't you trust me with this? What was it that made you seek someone else?" Icy hands cupped his face and soft lips pressed against his while a velvety tongue snaked it ways in and swept his mouth. "I'm not giving up Matt; I'm not going to let you get away from me. I don't want to hurt you but if that's what you need to be happy…" The soft words landed in Matt's ears as hot tear drops rained down on his face.
As if held down by a heavy weight Matt's hand twitched against the scratchy hospital blanket but was finally able to work its way up and rest gently on the back of Chris' head. A soft gasp and then the familiar weight of his husband settling on top of him were all Matt remembered as the drug once more weaved it spell and pulled him back into the black void. His dreams however were far from pleasant, Hunter and Chris' voices merged and battered against him, demanding to know why and commanding him to do, he opened his mouth to scream but he had no way of knowing if his body complied. When the sedative finally worked itself free from Matt's system his eyes opened as if they were on springs and he looked around the room in hopes of catching a glimpse of Chris; needing the calming presence of the older man. His room was empty and the shattered feeling that hurtled through his chest was almost as painful as the aches from the day before's violation. Anger ebbed and flowed as he mentally cursed himself for putting Chris through the torment of being cheated on. He knew how it felt; the despair that settled in the middle of one's chest when the person you love finds solace in the arms of another.
Soft shuffling filled the air and Matt turned his head; his henna colored eyes brightening when he seen Chris standing inside the door. The happy light died when Chris's worn down appearance sunk into Matt's sluggish mind. His ultramarine orbs cast towards the ground as his hands fidgeted and trembled before disappearing into the pockets of jeans that looked like they had been slept in. A light stubble marred his face and his plump satiny lips were twisted into a frown; his hair a mass of sleep tousled spikes that drooped almost as dejectedly as the slump in his strong shoulders.
"Chris," Matt's voice was sand paper rough and he tried to wet his lips but his tongue drug across the cracked corpulent petals; making him hiss at the salty sting.
"Matty, I don't know…why….what the hell…" Chris drug his hand through his hair; momentarily putting the spikes back up before they fell limply again. "Hunter? What does he have…what can he possibly give you that I can't?"
The raw heartache in Chris' voice brought tears to Matt's eyes and he struggled to get out of bed, wanting—no needing—to feel the warmth of Chris' chest pressed against his.
"Stay in bed…Assclown." Chris joked weakly as he hurried over to the bedside; his hand pushing down on Matt's shoulder. "I...just want to know why Matty. I mean if you needed to be smacked around, I coulda done it." His hand migrated from Matt's shoulder to his cheek to Matt's hair; his fingers combing and massaging the sensitive skin until Matt was trembling.
With a swallowed sob Matt pulled Chris to him and buried his head in Chris' stomach; muffling the tears that finally could no longer be held back. Every ounce of pain and anguish that he had bit back after his trysts with Hunter poured from his eyes and soaked Chris' shirt; making the thin white material transparent and stick to the warm skin that rippled under Matt's exhalations.
"Because you can't." Matt said softly when he turned his head to the side. "You don't have it in you to hurt me the way I needed to be hurt Chrissy." Matt looked up and begged him silently to understand. "Even when you're rough Chris you're gentle, I needed someone that I don't love and that doesn't love me to inflict the pain."
"Why couldn't you just tell me." Chris' fingers continued their gently combing, relaxing Matt's mind and washing away some of the suffocating guilt.
"What was I supposed to say?"
~*~*~*~*~
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Anger and Agony
Are better than Misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you'll understand
~*~*~*~*~
"Anything Matty, hell you coulda said that you like when I spank your ass, that you like when I throw up against walls and fuck you without lube. Anything. You didn't have go out and find someone. Yes I love you, but if you want pain I can do that. I'll do anything for you Matty; I want to be the only one that you need, that you want." Chris tilted Matt's head up, smiling as he thumbed away the lingering tears. "Don't think I've forgiven you this easy Matt, you have a lot to make up for, but I do love you and being in love is sticking together through thick and thin, the good and the bad. We've had our bad Matty, lets move on to the good."
Self hatred surged through Matt's chest as he gazed up at the man that was offering Matt everything even though he didn't deserve it and he opened his mouth to say something but Chris cut him off and engaged Matt's lips in a tight and punishing kiss; his teeth raking Matt's well padded lips and making him whimper deep in his throat. The calming fingers that had caressed his head twisted in his hair and wrenched Matt's head to the side, breaking the contact of the kiss and giving Chris access to Matt's neck. Gentle nips followed by the feel of Chris' pointed eye teeth dragging over the lightly abused flesh wrung a moan from the dark haired man and when Chris pulled away a smirk graced his features.
"See Matty, I can be rough too. Just because I love you doesn't mean I can't abuse you."
Matt couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up in his throat and he pulled Chris down on top of him; nuzzling his face against Chris' chest and listening to the steady thrum of his heart and wondering what he did to deserve Chris' devotion. The gentle fingers once more stroked his scalp and Matt inhaled deeply the scent of Chris and his favored cologne as his eyes closed. They stay nestled together until a nurse discreetly coughed and informed them that they were going to discharge Matt soon. Their eyes caught again and even though they knew they had along road to travel before things would normal and easy again between them but there was the promise that in the end things would once more be right in their world. And that feeling usurped the presence of pain that Matt had carried for so long and that warm tingle that turned into a drowning undertow was better and even stronger than he remembered.
~*~*~*~*~
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough,
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather fee painl than nothing at all
I know, I know that you're wounded
You know, You know that I'm here to save you
You know, You know that I'm always here for you
I know, I know that you thank me later
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
~*~*~*~*~
A/N: So somewhere along the way I have aquired a Hunter muse. I don't like him, none of the musi like him. But he's been on my mind and I gave in to him hoping that he'd allow me to work on a few other things. If it has worked has yet to be determined.
I hereby disclaim that I own nothing! The guys belong to themselves and the song and title are 'Pain' by Three Days Grace. I hope y'all enjoyed!