'He's gone' those two words (that replay in my head daily, more now then 'it's the end of world, again') caused me more pain then any others that have been said by a Winchester.

And that's because I knew that the moment he said them (the little brother that's attached to Buffy's hip like super-glue), they were forever going to be the truest words I've ever heard in my life.

(he's gone, he's gone, forever burning in the pit, where I'll join him maybe today or twenty years from now, and I can't even say his name)

"If you try and hug me, Sam Winchester I'll kill you faster then you can say 'hell', got it?"

"Okay, fine. No need to bite my head off, Faith. I just thought after De-."

"You thought nothing (what is really behind that helmet hair of his anyway?) and now you can take your little girlfriend, who isn't helping at all, and leave. Got it, Winchester?"

Just the start of his name sent shivers all the way though me (which is a hard thing to do, I am Faith, Slayer, after all) and every second of every day was spent making sure I didn't slip up and think about it.

"Got it, but of course we'll be back tomorrow."

"Now, how did I guess that?"

-

Most nights (that are no longer filled with sleep or nightmares) are spent asking that one question, why?

Why did this happen to me ( haven't I gone though enough)?

And most of all why didn't I stop him when I had the chance?

(and it all was answered with, 'it had to happen this way, it was his choice and I would have been selfish to stop him. But I thought I was? Maybe, just not with him.')

-

Sleep wanted to engulf me and pull me under with sweet nothings of pillows and the chance of no more nightmares (filled with screams that belong to no one other then him) so much that I was ready to give in and fall into my sheets the moment the doorbell rang.

(Sam Winchester and Buffy Summers need to get a life instead of trying to save mine)

Every time my hand pulls open the door (praying with all my might that Mr. and Mrs. Winchester have taken the day off) for a split second hope begins to swell in me, hope that he'll be on the other side.

But this time, this very moment all my hope was not shattered.

"Dean?"

The old Faith (that died along with Dean, which I can say now, Dean, Dean. DEAN!) would have jumped and tackled him to the ground with a hiss 'who the hell are you? What the hell are you?'

But from the moment he smiled and said 'hello, Faith, long time no see' it was clear that this was the one and only Dean Winchester.

Who I had been missing beyond anyone and everything.

"Its about time, Winchester, I though you went soft, but I see that you even beat death. Now that's the man I love."