"Mm! Faster- God, Faster!"
A low, deep growl vibrated the throat of a handsome white-haired individual, so wrapped up in slamming into his lover below him that he hardly registered the request. Even if he had heard the other, he wouldn't have honored the request. It was too risky.
"F-fuck, Killua- I-I'm gonna-!"
Even as pretty fingernails embedded the milky soft, pale skin of his own flesh, Killua continued fucking his lover at the same speed. Fast, shallow, it was all he could do to remain sane as he plowed into the desperate, dark-haired boy. The slap of skin against skin echoed through the small room- a song to Killua's keen ears, along with the gasps and cries from Gon himself.
Gon Freecss was a handsome young man, dark hair with eyes that reminded Killua of the Milky Way. By day, a lovely caramel, and by night, a chocolate brown so intense you could practically taste it on your tongue. His skin was this radiant cream color that reminded him of a dessert, and his smile- god, his smile…
His smile was to die for. It was the proof not only of his own happiness, but also of everyone else's. Once one saw this loveable being smile, there was no turning back, and it affected moods no matter the viewer.
Cupping that soft jawline, pressing as deep as he could go and as quickly as he could without bursting, he kissed those perfect, pink lips.
There was something sensual and passionate in the way he kissed him. Gon lived for it. Every single time they fucked, the minute before euphoria wracked their slender bodies, Killua would be tamed; kept, and would kiss him so gently it was almost painful.
And then, just like that, before their tongues could even dream of meeting with the same gentle simplicity, they both erupted, exploded, cried out as pleasure engulfed both of them, and snatched their gentility in the throes of ecstasy.
Killua, buried deep inside his love, and then shakily withdrew, a sticky stream of pearly liquid in his wake.
Gon sighed, his body covered in his own mess- more so than usual, from the amount of times Killua decided to make him come before he would actually fuck him.
The bed tilted as the white-haired male shifted out of it, stepping into the light of their adjoined bathroom. He didn't close the door, and Gon loved that. When he rolled over, he got to admire the wonderful, perfect figure of his boyfriend. Though rough, he had his moments. Gon knew it had to be tough to restrain himself.
Killua could kill in his sleep, and doing something like this that would paralyze him, make him vulnerable, and potentially cause unconsciousness was a risky venture. But for them, their love itself was a risky venture. Or what Gon liked to label as their love. Leorio and Kurapika handled it so well; Leorio was a well-known therapist, and Kurapika made it in the world as a lawyer. Though Killua and Gon often visited the two, it was evident that the couple took advantage of every second they had alone together.
He'd like to say the same thing about Killua and him, but as it stood, Killua never once basked in the afterglow with him. To Killua, it seemed, sex was a transaction- a business sort of thing- sating only what he needed and nothing more. Yes, as it stood, Gon didn't feel loved at all. More like… used.
"Here, wash up." A cloth was thrown at Gon from the bathroom, and while he caught it, he frowned as his view of Killua was abruptly cut short.
Realizing it was like this every time they made love was difficult for Gon. Killua always threw him something and immediately locked himself in the bathroom for hours on end. He had to wonder if it was ever enough… If HE was ever enough… Though Killua had first proclaimed his love for him, it became apparent that it wasn't that at all. Somewhere along the road, it felt like Killua was using sex as an escape from his problems- instead of making love to him like he said he wanted to.
He swallowed the bile that rose in his throat, proceeded to clean himself quickly. Killua always yelled at him to hurry up and go back to his room if he wasn't gone in five minutes, and he hated that. They were supposed to be lovers, and yet…?
Yet, Killua seemed to be so disgusted at the sight of him afterward. He wanted to leave sometimes, but then, he remembered why he was here. Why he remained by Killua's side all this time.
It was the moments that he lived for. Between work and their last few years of college, Killua and Gon hadn't been able to make any real connection other than the realization that they were friends, needed each other, and cared for each other like they needed one another to breathe. He loved spying Killua in his study, smiling at a book, relaxed, comfortable… He loved getting hugged sometimes and he most definitely lived for those intimate moments between climax and euphoria.
He wanted Killua to be like that all the time- not closed off from the world like he normally was. Each time the topic came up, Killua would dismiss it almost immediately. It was difficult, but then again, so was their relationship. Just once did he wish that Killua sat down with him and addressed the issue like a normal couple would do if something wasn't working.
Gon made quick work of wiping himself down, letting the rag fall to the floor because a small part of him did it just to spite him. He couldn't imagine why Killua always left. Banished him from the room for the rest of the night. It was as if he were bipolar, but both of them knew that it wasn't true.
Killua just had a hard time restraining himself, that was all.
At least, that's all Gon knew. If there was something more, then Killua was holding something back. But Killua didn't seem like the kind of person to do that.
He slipped from the bed, grabbing his discarded robe on the floor, and wrapped it around himself. Tying it, he padded toward the door, wincing as Killua's shower turned on before he exited, and then he left, as per protocol.
That was always the hard part.
It was the small things he tried to ignore. He kept them to himself, because Killua would only argue and fight with him over it. He'd learned that the hard way. He still faintly remembered the bruise on his cheek- an impulsive explosion of hatred that Gon would never forget, and that Killua apologized endlessly for. How for days he'd locked himself in his room afterward, making them both suffer from withdrawals. They needed each other, and by exiting that room and embracing a desperate Killua had only succeeded in proving that point.
Well, they needed each other's body, that was for sure. It was like a drug, loving the moment, hating it after it was taken, and after reality had set in.
Gon paused for only a moment, fingers hesitating, shaking just a little, waiting for something. Anything. A command, words, a sound- anything Killua could do from within the bathroom walls. Maybe even a punch to the wall.
He heard nothing.
With a small tingle of regret and hurt, he exited the room, and closed it quietly. His caramel eyes wavered with hurt, but he turned immediately away, and continued to his room. He shoved that hurt into the furthest corner of his heart, raised his head, and made his way to his own shower.
Which was where he'd been going in the first place, until Killua nabbed him and fucked him hard. And it wasn't like something like this was unusual. They both did it to each other. When Gon needed it, Killua knew, and when Killua needed it, it was obvious in the harsh way he yanked down Gon's pants in the middle of the hallway like there wasn't enough time to propose it.
This time, he'd been looking for Killua to see if he needed to wait on his shower, or go ahead, since Killua had an event to prepare for.
Obviously he had time enough to fuck him and then shower, so that answered his question…
With a small sigh, he entered his room, and then to his adjoined bathroom.
He glanced at himself in the mirror, about to pass but stopping in his tracks, studying. His lips were red and nicely ravaged; bigger, but only a little, because of how bruised Killua made them each time they went at it. His eyes still carried the afterglow of his lust, and his cheeks were still pink. His hair, disheveled from Killua's bed, lay in a messy mop atop his head.
But he hated what he saw.
His eyes were droopy, as if he were tired. His face was small, skinny and the like. The rest of his body was tiny, shriveled, almost, under the robe. The tie wrapped too tightly around his middle. He was definitely thinner than what he had been some time ago.
Just his image was enough to make him look away.
While it was true that he and Killua were best friends, acting the way they did now didn't necessarily make them lovers. More like… Friends with benefits.
Which saddened Gon, for he really did love Killua.
His fingers dug into his palms harshly, and without really meaning to, he drew blood.
He hated how Killua insisted that their situation remained the same. He hated the benefit. If it wasn't because Killua loved him that he fucked him, then he didn't want it at all. He didn't want to be screwed because Killua knew he could. If it were to relieve anger, to distract himself, or the satisfaction of knowing he could break Gon… He hated it.
Angrily, he disrobed, and stepped into the shower with the same idea as Killua. He set the stream of water to boiling, trying to burn the sensation of Killua's touch right from his body.
It was disgusting.
Disgusting how much Killua used him like this. It wasn't genuine. Killua didn't love him- not like that. He couldn't. Killua had said in the beginning that it wouldn't be like that even as he spoke of his feelings for him. But, ignorant him thought that he could change. That if Killua experienced and KNEW how it felt like to truly feel loved, that it might be different between them.
How foolish a thought.
His fingernails dug into his own skin, rubbing everywhere raw, as if to scratch the very scent of Killua from his shriveled, malnourished body. He'd never admit it to Killua- but sometimes… sometimes he wished death would take him. It was apparent in the way he never ate.
Little did Gon know, though, that the real problem lay elsewhere. Lay deep inside Killua's broken, weakened soul. A soul so lonely, so dark and hopeless, that just thinking about it could destroy a man. Any man- except Killua Zoldyck. The only man who could contain and carry that crippling fear- the anxiety and the torment. The instability and the weight of his own past. A past that hammered in the ideals that he now unwillingly carried.
Still, though, Killua was stubborn. Killua was afraid, more than anything in the world, of losing his best friend. They'd been friends for so long- and the idea of Gon with anyone else, touching someone that wasn't him… It made him sick to his stomach. So, he'd asked Gon- proposed a new relationship that could benefit the both of them. Gon had oh so easily agreed, and that stirred an ounce of hope in his being.
The hope that maybe Killua could love him without fear. Without restraint or the pain of misinterpretation.
But he was wrong. Oh so wrong.
The first time they'd ever taken their relationship to the next level, misfortune struck. Luckily, Gon didn't seem to remember- or if he did, he didn't mind- but keeping him this close…
If Gon remained with him this way, it wouldn't be long before his restraint was lifted completely, and the monster within him would rear its ugly head once more, and take from him what he most wanted to protect. Like the first time, he'd been foolish enough to let go. To surrender to Gon in every possible way.
Because that day- he'd surrendered, and it had nearly cost Gon his life.
Wrapping pale arms around his chest, he blasted the cold water over his skin as cold as it could get. He hated the heat- the remembered warmth of Gon's body that got him hot and bothered and down right crazed. He didn't shiver- not once- having been used to stuck out in the cold so many times before.
If only Gon knew how much he loved him. If only Gon understood the echo inside his head, then maybe he wouldn't feel so guilty about leaving all the time. Maybe he wouldn't feel so guilty letting Gon go to bed early and sad.
But their intimacy was the only way to revive the idea that he was still loved. That he was still cared about despite his cold disposition and his harsh words. Gon had been with him from the beginning, but he ached so much. Killua ached even harder when he knew that it was solely his doing- his fault- that Gon never smiled anymore.
That smile that made him feel better… It was never present any more.
Shame washed over him at the thought. The thought that perhaps Gon didn't really care about his issues or his problems- not really.
Gon had once expressed to him how he liked it when Killua kissed him when they were intimate, but that seemed to be the only thing Gon had to say. The only good thing he had to say. Sometimes he had to wonder if he was enough. If he was just giving Gon what he wanted in order to maintain their friendship.
It was just a kiss… a kiss that, in his weakened state, could cause chaos and horror- pain and suffering to a new level. If Killua ever passed out or fell asleep next to Gon- in any circumstance- Gon was as good as dead. He had no control when he was asleep, and that terrified him more than anything else in the world.
But he couldn't tell Gon that. He couldn't tell him how scared he was for his life. If he did that… Gon would leave him for good.
Killua banged his head against the tile of the shower, grimacing as the contact reverberated through his head.
All he wanted was peace- peace, and Gon. He wanted to love Gon with every little bit of himself, but he couldn't do that. Not if he wanted to keep Gon alive and well.
At the same time, however, he didn't take into consideration what Gon must be feeling. How much his regression into himself had damaged their relationship. He was perfectly unaware of Gon's screams just under the sound of both showers.
He was so unaware that Gon was crying that he dared to think bitterly- he dared to cry, too, about how distant they were from each other and how Gon most wanted to keep their friendship as long as they could.
Not that he was any different. If he let go of him... He'd break.
Letting go was not an option- he couldn't cling to the poor thing without shaking and fearing for his life- more often than not, he wondered if being together like this was even okay. If loving him was safe. If being this close to him was safer than ignoring and endangering him.
And oh, poor Killua. If only he knew- if only he'd spoken to Gon about his situation, things might have turned out a little bit different.
"How was the event yesterday?" Gon asked softly, voice small and tired despite his personality. His sweatshirt was long and big on him, sleeves barely allowing him to hold the hot cup of tea that he so carefully nursed and blew on to cool. It was Leorio's sweatshirt- one he'd borrowed once when they had visited each other all at once. It had been extremely cold then, and Leorio had tossed him a sweatshirt that he never used, and told him to keep it. He wore it often; it was soft and warm, and the length wrapped him up in an embrace he could only dream being Killua's arms.
"It was fine." Killua said coolly, noting how, despite the warmth of the house, Gon was taking the warm approach to the morning. Dressed in a long grey sweatshirt and some long black sweatpants, he lounged on the couch they often shared at different times. His feet were also covered by dark grey fuzzy socks. Unusual wear.
Killua had just emerged from his bedroom, hair damp from a shower, dressed in a black tank top and some shorts.
"Are you cold or something?"
"No." was Gon's immediate response. "I just like being covered up, is all."
"You've dressed like that a lot recently… When was the last time you left the house?" Killua asked, eyebrows drawn in slight concern.
Gon blew lightly on his cup of tea, and drank some before responding. He couldn't bear to look at his best friend- especially not when he lied.
"A… a few days ago, I suppose. I hung out with Leorio for a little bit at the coffee shop near his work. Kurapika joined us a little later when he got off work, too." Despite the small smile at the mention of his two friends, his voice remained hoarse and soft. He barely dared to bring his voice above a whisper for fear that it might break. Lying was not a habit for him, and it was definitely not something he did to his friends… but at this moment, a small part of him did it just to spite Killua and all the things he had done to upset him.
Usually Killua wasn't home. Usually, Killua didn't come back when he had an event- usually, he'd leave, spend the night somewhere, and then come back in the afternoon smelling like liquor. By then, usually, Gon was in his bedroom pretending to be asleep or reading or doing homework- or something else important. Killua left him alone, usually, so it was a surprise to him when he heard Killua's light footsteps approach him.
He'd moved the hood of his sweatshirt up to cover the hickeys on his neck. He didn't want Killua to see. He usually never wanted to be reminded of them anyhow, but with Killua here instead of who knows where, it was an unexpected sort of thing that he'd hope to avoid.
"Gon…" Killua murmured, approaching him. Eyebrows drew close, dangerously so, as if he were suddenly mad. Though Gon couldn't see why- he'd done nothing wrong. "What… What is that?"
Gon's caramel eyes flashed with fear as he saw the anger swirling in those icy depths he called eyes. "W- What? What is… what?"
"THAT- That on your neck." Killua murmured. "Did you get hurt? Let me-" he yanked on the hood and Gon, surprised by the action, cried out softly in protest, "-see…"
Killua grew strangely quiet, merely standing there, freshly showered, looking down at the horror that was Gon's throat.
Dare he say he looked ravaged- choked, even… Had he been abused? Certainly not by his own hand… He locked his door from the outside when he shut the door at night so that he couldn't get out unless he were conscious…
"...Who was over." He said sharply. "Last night- you had to have had someone over last night while I was gone. Who was it. Tell me." He said icily, piercing blue eyes like a storm of rage.
Shaken by the sudden violent explosion, Gon didn't have an answer. He hadn't done anything except shower and go to bed, but he was so speechless that he couldn't say a word. But then, he was also speechless at how Killua didn't recognize his own work. How he hadn't realized that these marks were from their love-making. Or, rather, when they had sex last night.
"TELL ME." Killua nearly exploded.
At the rough words, Gon couldn't help but be pathetic. His eyes screwed shut, and he did his best not to be moved by his lover's harsh words. It hurt more than he let on, but he'd never let Killua know that. If he knew… Killua would fall apart. He'd expressed their friendship as necessary- their sexual relationship as wanted as much as it was needed. Killua didn't need to know how much he hurt. It was only fair since he knew that, for some reason, Killua had perfectly good reasons for acting in such a way.
But maybe that was just him.
Trembling lips parted in a silent scream- or rather, choke- as Killua surged forward to grasp the front of his sweatshirt and lift him from the couch.
His hands flew to Killua's wrist, the action freeing him from his frozen state.
"WHO-"
Gon picked that moment to scream just as loud as Killua- something so unlike him, something so desperate and so fear-stricken, to provide the truth. The truth he'd been willing to speak, but had stopped out of fear.
"YOU! YOU, DAMMIT! YOU DID THAT!" He practically wailed, lips wide as if to scream. His throat failed him, having never stood up to Killua before. He couldn't raise his voice that well- not to him. Not to his lover.
Tears pooled in his eyes, that soft caramel alight with pain and fear in a way Killua had only seen once. Once- when he'd accidentally hit him. When Gon had once asked why it was they couldn't sleep together. When Killua didn't have an answer- when he got so frustrated with himself for his nightmares that he'd lashed out without meaning to.
He had promised himself that he would never let Gon look like that again. Not around him.
But then, he'd caused that just now. Holding him like this by the front of his hood, icy gaze running all over that precious boy he couldn't stand to share.
But he wasn't sharing. Not with anyone.
Immediately his grip released, and Gon slumped into a puddle on the couch, covering his face, and bringing his hood up over his head. Further hiding the mark, and his face.
"I…" Killua whispered hoarsely, taking a step back. He couldn't believe he'd actually…
"Do you… Really not remember?" Gon echoed, hoarse and empty-like.
When Killua didn't have the heart to give him the answer, Gon couldn't bear to look at him. Let alone hear his voice.
"I'm… I'm going back to bed." He said quickly, standing up. His own fingers brushed the bruises and welts on his neck- a necklace of what he thought was love, and what he'd once embraced. Now, though, regret filled him in the worst way. He felt his soul breaking, his will shatter, and his hope fall away just as he knew it one day would.
But he never thought it would be today.
Swallowing thickly, willing his feet to move- to get as far away from Killua as he could- he took a step toward that hallway. His hallway. A hallway filled with only his things- a hallway that was specifically his because Killua never lingered or bothered with it.
Never really… Bothered with HIM anymore…
"Wait…" Killua whispered quickly, hand flashing out to grip Gon's wrist. He winced as he saw Gon shudder. He almost let go for that, but he held on despite the wrenching feeling in his gut.
Gon didn't say a word; Killua knew he might not be able to. Not after that… But he didn't pull away, either.
"I…" Killua hesitated, but took a step toward him, wanting for all the world to confide in him, but knowing that by now, Gon would push him away for sure if he knew the truth. If he knew what a danger it was to sleep together. If he knew what a danger he was to him when unconscious.
Trembling lips met the soft skin of that smooth hand, and though he did his best to keep himself collected, the most he could do was hold back the tears that wanted to escape.
"Let… Let me make love to you again." He whispered softly, voice breaking as his weakness escaped him. His need to reconnect with Gon was far greater than his will to hold back.
And, hating to exploit Gon's weakness, he knew he couldn't say no to him. Not when he put it that way.
And just like that, Gon's shoulders sagged as he gave in to Killua's request. Just as he thought he would. But when Gon turned to look at him, it was a never ending stream of pain and agony that he'd never been confronted with before, and for that, he almost wanted to die for exploiting that.
"Will… will you really?" Gon asked in a quiet voice, his pitch low and ragged; his gaze did not meet his for a single moment. "Is… is it really making love? Is this what this is?"
This would be the very first time he'd ever spoken out against anything Killua did- but he couldn't ignore the desperation in his best friend's voice. He couldn't ignore the glimmer of hurt he'd heard in that soft whisper. A mere question was all he could muster. He'd once promised both himself and Killua- though silently- that he'd never refuse or reject him.
But he supposed, even though it wasn't a rejection, it sounded like one.
Pale, cracked lips parted in remembrance of Killua's touches. Each one unique in it's own way, never lingering, and always desperate. Always focused on distracting him from his thoughts. Of course he'd known since the very beginning that his focus was never on him. That his focus remained locked away within his own mind. His touches were sloppy, touching his skin, but only feeling his warmth. Killua wasn't really FEELING him at all- he was just… having sex.
For all intents and purposes, it was sort of like… his existence didn't really matter. For all intents and purposes, it was as if having sex with him would be the same as having sex with a female- a doll, even, would probably suffice. Funny thing about love- it only worked when it came from both parties. In this case, it felt VERY one-sided.
Gon's fists clenched, straining ever so slightly against Killua's grasp- which only made him hold all the tighter.
Though it was a simple question, it impacted Killua more than he let on. To a tee, his world was spinning on its head.
"Of… Of course… of course it is…" Killua whispered hoarsely. "Don't tell me you've just been… pretending this whole time?"
The confusion was like a physical blow to Gon's heart. Of all things, Killua… believed that he didn't mean it? Of all things… Killua found himself wronged, rather than the other way around.
"Funny how you have it backwards." Gon instantly bit out, jerking his arm backward. "FUNNY HOW YOU THINK YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANY WRONG HERE." He raised his voice. His palms slapped at his own face to prevent himself from crying in front of Killua, but as hard as he tried, it just didn't work.
"YOU SEEM JUST FINE!" Killua accused, "YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO PRETEND TO WANT ME AND JERK MY CHAIN- DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I NEED YOU?"
"NO! NO I DON'T!" Gon screamed, fingers tangling in his own hair. "I'M REPLACEABLE AND YOU KNOW IT! WHY DON'T YOU FIND SOMEONE YOU CAN ORDER AROUND INSTEAD OF USING ME LIKE SOME SICK SEX TOY? WHEN I WANT YOU, IT NEVER ENDS WELL, AND WHEN YOU WANT ME, IT'S EVEN WORSE!"
Killua's icy eyes flashed with pain as tension exploded between the two. Tension he hadn't realized had been building up for so long. Tension he never knew had existed in the first place.
"You're NOT a sex toy!" Killua fumed, clenching his fists at his sides. "I thought you'd know how I felt about you- I thought you'd know the kind of pain I'm constantly feeling. Why don't you understand? I can't believe you!" Killua cried out, "You have no idea of the kind of pain I'm going through, Gon!"
Gon fell silent, eyes lowering dangerously, hidden from Killua's view. It was the kind of look that had Killua freezing where he stood, wary, concerned about the way Gon would react. This look… it made him want to take back that last part; after all, hadn't he been pushing Gon away when he couldn't have him around? But… he'd told him that it would happen. He'd told Gon that he couldn't stay during times of weakness… hadn't he?
…
Hadn't he?
Gon's pastel lips parted as if to speak, but they hesitated. It wasn't until Killua glanced upward to meet Gon's gaze that he truly saw how empty, how lifeless they truly were.
No… it seemed that he hadn't told Gon. That, even though he was constantly living in fear, he hadn't given him a single explanation. The only thing that Gon knew was that it was necessary to remain apart at night, and it was necessary to leave frequently… on business. To top it all off, Killua had yelled at him more than a few times over this under the false pretense that Gon would just understand. That Gon would respect his space and would abide by his rules because it was difficult for him.
But he was completely wrong. Gon's eyes, dark like the night, lifeless like the dead, reflected the torment. Not only that, but Gon's response to it all sent chills down his spine.
"Maybe… maybe not your kind of pain. Maybe I don't understand all of that," he whispered, "But you never pay attention to me- and when you do, it's always about sex, and about escaping whatever monster that's running after you. One would think that… after a while… something like this would be noticed…"
Frail fingers lifted the hem of his sweatshirt. For once, perhaps, Killua might see the damage, and not his skin. For once, perhaps Killua might see beyond his hickey-stained body to see how bad things were getting. How, after all this time, things were coming to a head- and things would either change for the better… or end completely.
He shakily pulled the cover up and over his head, and discarded it on the wooden floor. His arms swept uncomfortably around his own chest, and his face tucked into his own arms to hide the guilt and the suffering he'd been hiding until this point. He hadn't plan on revealing something like this at all- not unless Killua finally noticed it himself… but if this wasn't a wakeup call, then nothing he could possibly do would be.
Killua was hiding from him, and Gon was letting him. Gon was letting him do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted because he loved him, and no amount of 'maybe he'll change' would ever impact how they would interact. The fact of the matter was, the more used and degraded he felt, the more he used and degraded himself, too. If he was treated like garbage… he supposed, eventually, he would become that. For that other person, if he cared enough.
And for Killua, it would seem, he had become a skinny, malnourished human being with the sole purpose of pleasing the one other that he loved and dedicated himself to. Every time Killua came home, dinner would be prepared, and then they'd go at it like a couple of rabbits.
A part of Gon didn't mind. A part of him wanted that because it felt like Killua wanted him- Gon Freecss. Another part hated it, because he knew that no matter how he approached or handled the situation, Killua would always fuck him as hard as he could to get the best orgasm in order to free himself from the demons that followed him around. He would understand, of course, and for a time he did, but it soon became apparent that he did it only for the ecstasy and the afterglow, and nothing more. All Killua really wanted was the high, not him. The fact that Killua might realize that his hand could probably do a better job than he could was what set him truly on edge. Killua's mindset was what scared him the most, he thought. Killua's oblivity to certain things only heightened the fact that he was practically useless to him if he wasn't available when he wanted him to be.
So, as he stood there, bare, every rack of ribs visible to Killua's eye, a part of him felt defeated and completely lost. Once Killua saw him like this- for real- he expected only an apology, and then his promise to relinquish him from his position as 'sex toy'.
He felt naked, even though the most intimate parts of him were safely tucked away. His pride was taking a hit, but that was nothing new. When it came to Killua, there was nothing he wouldn't do for him. His only fear lay in being cast away like a used bandaid that was too soiled, filled with germs, and no longer sticky. The longer he waited in silence, the surer he felt that he was going to be kicked out. He felt it in his bones.
Even if they WERE best friends…
"What… What do you want from me?" Killua asked softly, instead. To say that the statement surprised Gon would be an understatement- especially so quickly, as if he never hesitated at his appearance.
"Do… Do you see me?" Gon asked hesitantly.
"Of course I see you."
"No, I mean, do you SEE me. Do you see how ugly I've become? How hideous and small and unusable I am?"
"...No. No I don't see that part. I don't see anything wrong with you at all."
Gon's mouth hung open in disbelief. His thinned cheek puffed a little as his lips pursed.
"...Oh." was all Gon could manage, though he hated how he'd choked it out. He hated how tears slipped down his face like the weakling he knew he was becoming. "I'm…-"
Gon crouched to pick up his sweatshirt, avoiding Killua's gaze because he couldn't bear the thought of how stupid he must look to Killua right now. If he couldn't see how thin he was getting, and he couldn't see how hollow his eyes were getting, perhaps finding a way would have to wait. Perhaps suffering like this was the only way he would ever live.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled. I'm sorry that I said all of those things." Gon whispered quietly, downcast as he fit the sweatshirt over his head.
But he couldn't get it past his head. Everything was shrouded by cloth and fabric, and a smell that still smelled faintly of Leorio. His breath was practically knocked from his body as his tiny, fragile body slammed into something more solid.
It took him approximately ten seconds to figure out that what he had slammed into wasn't something, rather, someone. Killua, to be exact.
The sight of Gon had triggered the deepest, most vulnerable part of Killua just by Gon raising his arms and revealing the truth he'd hidden from himself. True it was hard to see in the dark all of those times he'd ever taken Gon, but his hands that had wandered and brushed every rib had revealed a truth he'd refused to believe for the longest time.
He crushed that tiny thing to his chest, arms locking tightly around him as if afraid to lose him. Which, for certain, he was most definitely worried about- whether it be relationally or through neglect.
Gon was someone who reflected the person he was with, and the fact that he showed signs of mistreatment and neglect hit him harder than any physical blow could. Gon was his to love, hold and protect, and it certainly didn't seem like he'd done any of those things during their time together.
Soft fingers curled into that sweatshirt, ripping it off his head so that his fingers could curl into Gon's real hair. So that he could crush him to his chest even harder and bury his face into his neck without reservation. His arms held him as if he were made of glass, yet the most precious thing in the world.
"Killu-a…" Gon stuttered, unsure how to respond to such a quick, physical act from Killua. Especially one that seemed more personal and connected them in a way they hadn't before.
"Fuck- Nothing is wrong with YOU, just me. Look- look at what I did to you…" He whispered softly.
He kissed his paling throat, cupping his face, and tucking it into his body with a sharp pang in his chest.
"I… I was so afraid you'd leave me if you found out, but I think I'm even more scared that you'll walk away from me after this." He whispered hoarsely. He tangled his fingers into his hair, and kissed along that small jaw, whispering soft words of apology. "Gon, I can't have you sleeping with me like you want, and I can't be anything but hard-edged when you're around because I'm so scared of being weak- Of being vulnerable. If I'm ever weak like that, If I ever fall asleep around you, I'm afraid that I'll unconsciously kill you, and I'll destroy the only thing I love and care about. Do you understand? I'm terrified of hurting you, so I hope to encourage you away even a little bit because even though I'm completely infatuated with you, I need to keep you away from me-"
"-But you don't-"
"-But I don't," Killua interrupted Gon, seconds after he interrupted him, too, "because I can't. Because being away from you for so long is like stabbing myself. I need you, and every time I've ever had you, I've wanted you more than anything. I just… I have to ignore the small things sometimes, because if I don't, I'll be risking your life like I did before- when we had sex for the very first time, do you remember? Do you remember how I almost killed you?"
Gon's arms had found their way around Killua's body, cheeks smushed against his shoulder as he listened to Killua explain the distance between them like it was simple. It wasn't simple, he knew that, but the way he made it sound…
"Killua, I don't remember much about that." He whispered softly, "But… if you had almost killed me, then I would say it was because you never said anything to me about it in the first place… right? If I had known, I'm sure I would have taken precautions-"
"No, you're right, I didn't tell you and I should have… but taking precautions then- and even now- would be pointless. I'm stronger than you think I am, and I'm positive-"
"That I can't defend myself against you?" Gon spoke sadly. "You underestimate me heavily, you know that. I'm not a defenseless child. If I had known in the first place, we probably wouldn't be in this situation, would we…" He whispered.
Killua tensed, but, ever so reluctantly, his head settled on Gon's shoulder in defeat. "I… I suppose this is all my fault, anyway, isn't it…" He spoke sadly. He pulled back a little, cupping Gon's face in each of his palms. His thumb brushed his cheeks, and Gon's eyes fluttered closed at the attention.
"I'm dangerous when I'm asleep." Killua whispered. "If I wasn't so afraid of losing you forever, maybe I would be more inclined to change things…"
"If you want to change things, then do it. I don't care what you have to do in order to make it possible, but I NEED that from you. I need to know you actually love me. I need to know that I'm not just good for one thing… As your best friend, I ask for your faith and for your respect, but as someone more to you than that, I request that you make it possible for me to be with you if you really want me."
Killua's gaze softened in a way Gon had never seen, and Gon bit his bottom lip because of it.
"Now, here's the real question." Gon continued softly, turning his face to nuzzle into Killua's soft palm. "Do you ACTUALLY love me or are you just-"
Lips smashed into lips all hard and desperate-like. Killua, shutting Gon up with a single act, took just a little bit of pride in what he did when Gon responded to his kiss with enthusiasm.
His palms fell to those small hips- hips he loved despite their shrinking size. It was because of him that Gon was like this, and he hated that part of him. He always would.
"Maybe… Maybe if you stop being scared of hurting me, then you wouldn't have to worry. Maybe it's the tension that's setting you on edge…" Gon suggested, pulling away from the kiss.
A kiss he'd shared only a handful of times with Killua. A kiss he loved.
His thumbs skimmed the precious skin of Killua's face, and he pressed forward to capture those sweet lips once more. "Don't be afraid anymore… I'm not leaving you. I won't get hurt. Trust me." He whispered softly.
At this moment, all Killua could do was trust that. He'd weakened because of what Gon had said to him, but he didn't think he much minded it. Perhaps being this weak… Perhaps weakness reassured Gon. Perhaps it was good to share his weakness so that he could rebuild himself even stronger.
He crushed Gon's frame to his chest, fingers slipping all over his shrunken form. His fingers navigated his racks of ribs; it wasn't long before their lips disconnected, and Killua was slipping downward.
Down, to lavish Gon's neglected body in sweet, slow kisses. Gon's fingers tangled in his white, cloud-like hair. Each strand was soft to the touch- just like his tongue against his ribs just now.
Gon wiped his eyes with his free hand, and let his head fall back. Soft noises slipped past his lips as his navel was toyed with and bitten. This sensation had only been felt once- when they had connected intimately for the very first time so very long ago, it seemed.
Gon's body leaned heavily into that sinful mouth, shaking ever so slightly from the attention to his sensitive chest.
"K-killua…" He whimpered lightly, his teeth sinking into the back of his hand to prevent any more embarrassing sounds.
Except, a loud squeak escaped him as he was picked up and tossed over Killua's shoulder. A light laugh followed after that, and he couldn't help but to bend towards Killua's nape, lift his hair, and give his skin a warm, passionate kiss.
Killua's shiver and slight gasp made it worth it. His nape, oh so sensitive to touch… It made him feel privileged to be able to see and feel even the most sensitive of areas. If this was Killua's way of atoning for what he'd done, he was doing a pretty good job of it so far. Especially when Killua detoured directly towards Gon's room instead of his own. It was a break from the norm, and he loved the change. He loved how Killua was transforming right in front of his eyes.
He was carefully lain upon his own bed, and though it was just a little smaller than Killua's, it didn't seem to make that much of a difference.
Killua's right knee fell to the edge of the bed, his palm on either side of Gon's face. He glanced down at Gon, eyes softly wavering, a cool, refreshing blue like the sea.
"Do I have your permission to make love to you? It won't-"
"Yes." Gon managed eagerly. He knew what Killua was going to say, but he already had seen the gradual change. He admired that part of him.
Slender arms draped over the sensitive neck and shoulders of his changed lover, and pulled him downward in a soft, easy kiss. "Make love to me all you want- as hard as you want- as thoroughly as you want. As long as you're WITH me, and love me for who I am… That's all I care about."
Killua's fingers lifted from the mattress to smooth that soft hair, loving how his eyes returned to that healthy caramel color he'd fallen in love with in the very beginning.
"I'll make this worth your while. Worth OUR while." He whispered, capturing those lips once more.
He was oh so very attuned to Gon's body that it was completely ridiculous that he hadn't noticed his suffering. And Gon, the sweet, innocent boy that he was, had let him do that to him. If anything, just the mere thought made his stomach roll.
He was a sick bastard. He would make things right again.
Hungry lips crashed together in the most vicious of ways, both parties more than eager to correct their wrong-doings- for both were, in some ways, in the wrong.
Gon's fingers scratched down that slender back, ripping at the fabric of an expensive shirt Killua found himself wearing. It had come from his family's house, and his family only bought the best of the best.
He pulled back to remove it before it was damaged further, and discarded it carelessly onto the floor where no harm would befall it. Not that he cared about it that much.
But drawing back like he did, lifting it up and over his head with powerful, muscular arms sent a thrill down Gon's spine like no other. How strong his lover was would never cease to amaze him. How well-built- how well-endowed he was… Everywhere he looked, Gon saw nothing but perfection. Even Killua's taut skin glistened with hard slabs of muscle, and that single act seemed almost like a plea to the poor soul. A plea, as if telling Gon to notice them, to touch them and caress them, and drive the other mad with hunger and desire.
When that shirt slipped from pastel shoulders, Gon attacked him in an instant. Maybe he wasn't strong enough to make him budge ordinarily, but because Killua let his guard down, and gave in to virtually anything he would do, Killua easily fell onto his back, a bemused expression on his face.
"What's this?" He teased, fingers finding their way to his tiny hips.
Gon couldn't prevent his moment of victory from gleaming in his eyes, brightening his expression with excitement- and more importantly, with an endless stream of love.
Killua just about died from that expression. Oh how he had longed to see those precious lips widen and thin into a smile. His happiness… made his chest expand and ache with the kind of love that he'd suppressed so heavily - for Gon's best interest.
But without that kind of suppression, and with Gon's assuring words, his ability to let himself loose was surprisingly easy. Worry was not something at the forefront of his mind, and it eased his consciousness to know that Gon was able to assure that he would not be defenseless.
"This? This is me taking my turn." Gon smiled widely. "I'm going to do this instead. I'm going to start and I'm going to finish."
Killua found himself purring at the idea; Gon wasn't a top, he didn't have it within him, but he knew exactly what he meant, and he knew exactly what he was going to do.
"Are you sure? Do I get to prepare you at all?" he teased, thumbs massaging in a circular motion, calming and slow, into that soft skin.
"Mm… no. I'm not going to prepare at all. It takes too long, and it's very unnecessary." Gon grinned.
That…
That was unexpected.
Killua blinked rapidly, confused as to what Gon's plans were, then, if it were unnecessary to prepare him.
With a playful, childish grin, Gon's fingers wandered the expanse of Killua's body- to which Killua let him, though he still remained a little confused. "What is the plan, then, Gon?" He asked warily.
Gon laughed, "Oh hush- it's not like you're going to bottom… I just have a different plan, is all."
And a different plan indeed. Lips brushed the sensitive skin on Killua's collar, and those gentle fingers massaged and explored every inch of the body he was so fond of. Of the man he fell in love with. Of the man that was not only his lover, but still would forever remain his best friend.
Killua's lips parted, neck craning to allow Gon more access. It was a new feeling he had yet to experience, and he had to admit that the feel of Gon taking control was… thrilling. Thrilling, but also nice. He hadn't known that being touched like this could feel so good. He didn't know that this sensation could calm his soul, and assure him of his worth and his value.
Gon Freecss, a beautiful man with a beautiful personality- a man with a beautiful body, and a beautiful smile. He loved him, and from the way he was touched and held, he felt how loved he truly was.
Gon's lips traveled upward, teasing his, barely brushing, exchanging heated groans from the warmth that passed between their sensitive bodies. "Pants- I need them off." Gon whispered softly, lips brushing lips just from speaking.
Their faces were close, a caramel gaze meeting the cool, lapping waves of the sea within the hues of a bright-eyed Killua. Gon couldn't express how attractive he found those eyes. Eyes that made him feel like he was swimming. Eyes that made Gon feel refreshed and calm- and yes, sometimes even a little afraid when the sea froze over into an icy chill… but they would always be beautiful no matter how Killua made them look.
But right now, those eyes were warm- and those eyes rest completely, solely on him. Gon felt the chill, like Killua was seeing right through him, peering into his soul, and shaping it, morphing it, and refreshing it.
It was kind of like his soul was dry, cracked, and brittle, living without a single drop of water; dying, only to have a cool stream flood the dry bed that it had become. His soul eagerly lapped up that water, soaking within it, regaining it's life as the two merged together to maintain a single life.
He saw that, felt that, all within that single glance that didn't seem to end.
Gon's lips touched his, remaining, eyes fluttering closed at the contact. Though the kisses had been slow, it was as if the two were connecting- really connecting- for the very first time. This time, properly. He was gaining Killua's trust, and Killua was gaining his, they just had to get used to each other's bodies again, and their potential as lovers.
His fingers trailed down Killua's smooth, finely-built body, loving how he groaned and shivered under the weight of his touch.
"I… I want to feel you." Gon whispered softly, parting his lips. Their breaths, hot and shallow, ghosted over one another.
"Feel me? Aren't you doing that already?" Killua whispered softly, musing over Gon's words. Carefully, as requested, he slipped from his pants, and discarded them on the floor. He indicated to Gon- winding his finger through one of his belt loops and tugging- that he wanted his off as well.
"No… FEEL. I want to touch you." He whispered softly, following Killua's request.
It wasn't until both of them were completely naked, Gon trapping Killua below him, that Gon's fingers wandered down- all the way down. They skipped past Killua's hardening organ, and rimmed his puckered entrance with the gentlest of touches.
Killua all but tensed and let out a loud gasp; instantaneously his fingers shot out, gripping that frail wrist just a little too tightly, despite Gon's silence. "I want to touch you here. I want to know you here, too. I don't want to try tonight, but I do want to know you here."
Killua's lips parted, blushed all the way to his ears, because he never thought that something like that would come out of such a sweet, innocent mouth. He didn't really know what to do about Gon's request, but trust came to mind, and ever so slowly, his tight grasp loosened.
Gon's shimmering, lively gaze fell upon him, and he was overwhelmed with love.
Yes… after all this time, this was what he was truly after. This kind of love and reassurance… was exactly what Killua needed- and for Gon, the type of attention that Killua was giving him was something he'd only dreamed of. Killua was responding to him, letting him touch him and letting him do whatever the hell he wanted to. Killua wasn't chasing the high.
Gon leaned down, kissing those sweet lips once more because he couldn't help it. "Trust me." He whispered, practically repeating Killua's thoughts.
And Killua did. He trusted him so much at that moment that, had Gon actually betrayed him, he would be so dumbfounded and stunned that he wouldn't know what to do. But Gon was gentle, slow, and more than cautious.
Gon kissed him over and over, and after a few moments, he slipped a single digit inside. Killua's breathing hitched at the action, and though he tensed, he didn't do anything else. He didn't try to move or squirm away from his touch, so when he slipped his finger inside even farther, all he could feel was warmth, and the ever-present clenching of his walls.
Was this what Killua always felt? Was this what he felt like, too? It was so soft and plush inside; it was almost too distracting. He'd spent a little more time exploring with his finger, but when Killua spoke his name, and wrapped his palm around his wrist, he knew things had come to an end in that regard. Not that he minded. Now, he would begin the fun part. Something he hadn't had the chance to do, but had fantasized about doing for the longest time.
"Now what?" Killua spoke softly after he withdrew his hand.
"Now…" Gon repeated, blinking for a few moments. His cheeks grew red, and his smile was hidden by his palms. Embarrassment enveloped him, and when Killua sat up to pull him into his chest, it only worsened. The scent of his skin made him feel safe… but it also turned him on like nothing else. Just laying there, completely naked, was enough stimulation for him as it was.
"You don't have to do anything," Killua murmured, "Just lay back-"
No. Gon wanted to do this. He wanted to prove to Killua- and to himself- that he wasn't as weak as he seemed.
Carefully, gently, he pushed away from Killua. Without allowing himself another moment of hesitation, he shuffled backward, lowered his head, and completely enveloped Killua's hardened member.
"OH, FUCK-" Killua gasped out, fingers tangling harshly in jet-black hair, yanking at the strands. Gon's hot tongue wrapped around his length; he bobbed his head like a maniac, causing Killua's legs to shake as pure, unbridled pleasure shot down his spine. He couldn't stop gasping and moaning like a bitch in heat; he felt like a pornstar from some ridiculous video. He couldn't stop making noises.
He didn't know what skill was until Gon showed him what was what. It was amazing that he'd never once done this before. His legs quaked with pleasure as that skillful tongue wrapped around him, that sweet mouth sucking him from tip to base like it was what he was born to do. Never once had Gon done something like this, and never once had Killua even considered it an option.
But here Gon was, going down on him like he had years of practice.
His fingers ripped and guided that hot mouth all over, and his hips assisted in the bobbing of his head.
This sensation was unlike anything he'd ever felt before, and his fingers scrambled to grasp something- anything- to hold onto during that time. Unfortunately, Gon's back and hair got the brunt of it.
But Gon didn't much mind. His back was scratched raw, each line clearly visible over the many ways it was scored by Killua's fingernails. It was hot as hell the way Killua was responding to him, and though he craved more of that sweet taste, he pulled back with a sloppy grin.
Killua's moans and pants turned into soft whines, and Gon let out a happy laugh. So desperate. He'd never seen Killua this way before. Killua hadn't seen HIMSELF this way before…
Licking his lips, Killua's pleading eyes begged Gon to go on- to touch him more like that. But though Gon got the hint, he had other plans in mind. He leant forward and lapped at that soft tongue that peeked out to wet dry lips.
This was the kind of love making he had wanted. He didn't want to chase the high, but if that happened, as long as it was because the other was doing ungodly things to them… He supposed that was okay.
His back burned from Killua's nails, but more than anything it turned him on. How desperate Killua was for him to continue- to mark him that badly because he wanted it that much- it made him feel warm inside; loved.
He climbed atop Killua, his lover, his best friend, his tan ass sticking out teasingly as he enveloped Killua's tongue in a sloppy kiss. The muscle was wet and eager, tasting him just as much as Gon was tasting Killua. Both flavors were unique in their own right, and both flavors got each party harder with every second.
Gon teasingly rocked his hips against that wet member which, moments ago, had been lewdly sucked on.
Killua felt hard- harder than he'd been before, really; solid- harder than a rock. Gon felt it. He felt how Killua was building quickly just from the attention. He, too, was swelling. If anything, their touches were desperate only because they were in each other's presence. No one but Killua could make him this way- no one but Killua had seen him this high-strung, this desperate, and this lewd. In return, he knew for a fact that Killua hadn't touched anyone but him. Hadn't even suggested such a thing to someone else. Killua was the ever-faithful boyfriend… But with some understandable issues. He DID grow up in a family of trained assassins stuck in some rather traditional circumstances. Once upon a time, the king had called upon them in times of great need, and his family had promised millennia of servitude. It was a hard tradition to break, so when Killua became an outcast of sorts, it was difficult for him to fit into the modern age after so long a time stuck in ancient history.
"K-Killu-" Gon gasped, disconnecting their lips. The friction was almost too much to bear. With Killua as hard as steel, and their erections rubbing so freely against one another, Gon felt his impending orgasm with each gasping breath he took.
He drew back, hips lifting ever so slightly. A loud hiss escaped Killua as Gon grasped his thick, engorged length.
Just by the touch, Gon felt the thick veins that wound around the organ. He felt the heat rolling off in waves, and he felt how sensitive the crown was, pre-cum pooling, uncontainable. He was hot, heavy, and thick- the likes of which he'd never experienced before.
"Gon- wh… What are you…?" Was Killua's only gritted reply. His last discernible reply.
Gon, the brave soul that he was, positioned himself over that heated head; the scorching touch against his puckered entrance made him groan from excitement.
"G-Gon-!"
He took Killua in at once. He cried out from how rough it was, but he forced himself to swallow at least half. By then, it was Killua's turn to cry out in ecstasy.
Gon's back arched; despite the slight sting- a consequence for not preparing himself- overwhelming pleasure ripped through him. It was an entirely different sensation being taken from above than from below. His legs quaked over Killua's torso just as those firm, reassuring hands held fast to tiny hips to maintain balance. Both were overwhelmed with the pressure and the pleasure all at once… and for once, Killua wasn't even thinking about needing the high- it's original purpose was to make him feel loved, but he was getting that right now. Gon was proving to him how much he was truly valued. It warmed his heart.
But just when he thought things were amazing already, things got even better. Lips collided with lips for the nth time, tongues tracing and memorizing as Gon's muscles relaxed, making his lover sink even deeper within him. This caused him to cry outright into Killua's mouth. A sound in which Killua greedily swallowed.
Connected. They were finally connected at last- and it was all Gon's doing. Gon was in control, Gon knew what he was doing… Gon had his complete trust.
Though he wasn't used to being on his back during such acts, he found it a rather pleasurable position- especially since he wasn't the one doing all the work. Still, his muscles flexed with excitement as Gon lifted and lowered his hips. He seemed to struggle for only a moment before he disconnected their lips to gain momentum. Momentum that slowly increased- because in a matter of seconds, Killua was hitting that sweet spot. He felt it, too, how Gon flexed and clenched around his cock in that way of his, squeezing him so good he could burst on the spot. But he didn't. He couldn't, because in the next moment, Gon was gasping in his ear his devilish request.
"Don't come. Not yet. Come with me."
Wanting to burst, he viciously tried to reign himself in. He was gasping, doing his best to hold back- but the struggle had Gon slowing down. It was agonizing, especially since Gon was making him feel this good.
Warm, gentle fingers ghosted over Killua's pale cheek, reassuring him. Caramel eyes smiled right along with that gorgeous mouth; Gon couldn't help it. Seeing Killua so disheveled, blushed up to his ears, blue eyes a raging storm of passion… it drove him crazy. He couldn't help but fuck himself slowly because of it. It made the pleasure all the sweeter, and for Killua, he saw the tremble within the depths of those eyes.
But it surprised him. Never once had they actually… LOOKED at one another during these intimate moments. He bent down, fucking himself painfully slowly, moan at his lips as he dared their eyes to hold contact. Largely, they couldn't take their eyes off each other. The only second that they had torn apart was when Killua full-on growled out his need. It was aggressive, voice hinting at how desperate he was to fall off the edge. If his voice wasn't a good indication, then his fingernails, like talons digging into his hips, certainly were.
But he wasn't on the edge yet. He couldn't feel himself on the verge yet.
Without warning, Killua's fingernails slipped away, and hot, heavy palms ghosted over his skin. Grasped firmly, Killua lifted and dropped Gon, speeding up his pace at such an alarming rate that he felt that heat kindling below. The way Killua took control even while he was underneath him was… hot. Really hot, actually.
Growling that deep, throaty growl of his, Killua had him bouncing like it was nobody's business. His mouth latched onto one of two heavy, erect buds on his chest; Gon instantly cried out, back arching even more sharply than it once had. This was an unknown pleasure- a pleasure that had his entire body tingling, and his eyes seeing stars.
The amplitude of his vocality skyrocketed out of control, and just as Killua had experienced under the discipline of Gon's tongue, their positions were now reversed. This time, it was Gon crying out, bouncing just as hard as Killua was forcing him to. Both were panting like dogs within minutes. Skin slapped harshly against skin, reddening where they slapped just from the force. It couldn't be helped; both were equally as desperate.
"K-Kil-!" Gon choked, fingers tangling in cloud-like hair. His face buried into those locks, sweaty and damp from their current situation. Those heavy palms slid toward Gon's back, caressing, holding him closer than was really necessary, but treating each bud with the same harsh nips and sucks.
Gon couldn't stand it any longer.
"K- Killu- AH!"
"Now?" Killua hissed through clenched teeth, pulling back with a sharp nip to his left bud.
Gon didn't even look at Killua- he didn't get the chance. His chance to respond to his question was futile, too, for his scream echoed off the walls. But Killua was right there with him. As Gon's body wracked with pleasure, his teeth sank deeply into that pale neck, exploding within Gon like never before. It was almost violent, but the pleasure he experienced in that moment drew blood his lover's neck, and though it was shallow and added a copper flare, it was barely noticeable. Rightly so, even, for Gon's teeth latched onto his ear. He barely felt it; it seemed but an innocent nip.
Their bodies locked up in that position, ecstasy filling their veins, and euphoria clouding their gazes. Gon couldn't pull away, and Killua didn't let him. So very deep inside his lover, Killua was unwilling to let go of this someone that had proved their undying love to him. Now, it was his turn.
Killua withdrew his teeth from that soft skin, giving it a gentle graze with his warm tongue, and kissing that bitten, now bruising skin. Gon kissed his ear, too, as they unwound from each other… but they kept the high. It felt nice to be right with the other when they simultaneously fell off the edge. Killua could definitely get used to it- it was better than anything he'd ever done with him before.
"Gon…" came that delicate whisper, voice hoarse from all the screaming.
Gon drew back, his light brown gaze settling on his own. Within that gaze, he saw nothing but Love… and gratitude. Killua smiled softly, and craned his neck upward to place a gentle kiss on the bridge of his nose. His palms, warmed and sweaty from the exercise, slipped up and down that smooth back. Gon didn't even wince, even though he knew he must be hurting a little from how hard he'd scratched him. He didn't mean to, but he was feeling so good that it had hardly crossed his mind.
"I'm… I'm not supposed to leave, am I? You're not supposed to go?" Gon asked hoarsely, tentatively, as if he were afraid of the answer.
And he had every right to be, after all. Killua HAD shoved him out the door every time.
"No." Killua murmured quietly, "Not at all… I just want you to be ready in case something happened. I want you to be safe and alert just in case… You can always wake me up by-"
He was silenced by a kiss. A kiss so sweet and so tender that Killua couldn't help but melt into it. "I trust you, Killua. More than anyone else in the world, I trust you. I'm not scared of you in the slightest."
"Gon- I...I don't even trust MYSELF with you…"
"But I do," Gon argued gently. "I'm prepared, even though it won't be necessary. You're just tense. Try to relax…"
Gon didn't dare remove himself from his position. Killua's heat remained, setting him on fire from the inside. It balanced the heat of his body perfectly, and it felt snug, like he was wrapped up in his own little cocoon of pleasure. His nimble fingers slipped from Killua's hair, and ghosted over hardened shoulders.
"Relax, Killua. Relax. I know you don't do that often, but you need to start. It won't do you any good at all if you're this wound up."
Killua groaned, but fell silent under the touches Gon was giving him.. The gentle knead of his fingers digging into his shoulders, unwinding his bunched up nerves and muscles, taming them, and relaxing them. It was nice, especially since he hadn't felt anything like it in months.
"Relax." Gon's words echoed in his ears, "Relax. I promise it'll be worth it."
And it really was. Gon's fingers were like magic, working his shoulders so good that he almost forgot about their current position. Opening his eyes, Gon stopped his gentle motions at the sight. Though, really, both were just as enraptured as the other. Each body glistened with sweat in the most beautiful of ways. Though there were obvious differences between the two bodies, both were still as equally beautiful.
Killua's fingers traced the necklace of hickeys he'd given him the other day, and inclined his head to kiss each one. "I'm sorry for these. I didn't mean to be so harsh." He whispered softly. "If I had been thinking, you probably wouldn't hurt right here."
Gon hummed softly in acknowledgement. "But I don't- not really. You gave them to me…" He found himself looking away from that steady, sentimental gaze in order to finish his sentence. "It doesn't bother me… really. It's you possessing me, right? Showing others that I'm taken…"
Killua blinked rapidly, surprised at how obvious Gon made it sound. He smiled, then, and let out a soft breath of affirmation. "It is." He murmured, thumb running over a particularly nasty one on his right shoulder. "I think this part, here, is what gets the most attention."
Gon laughed softly, and slipped his fingers into his hair. "Mm, yeah. I think you tend to favor that side. It might be because you do a lot of things right."
An eyebrow lifted in confusion, and Gon blushed right up. "Ah-I meant-"
Killua laughed, shaking his head. "I know what you meant." He chuckled, cutting him off. He kissed his jaw, and slipped Gon off in order to roll over.
"Hey- hey wait, no." Gon protested, scrambling to reestablish their link. Their connection.
All Killua did in response was pull him close, and wrap blankets around them. "There'll be more times, don't worry." he teased, lips brushing his forehead. His fingers ran lightly through Gon's sweaty head of hair, brushing each strand back. Silently, Gon felt warmed, even though they were no longer intimately attached.
Being with Killua like this, laying next to him, hearing his soft, tired hum… it was calming.
His heart swelled with affection, and he nuzzled into Killua's embrace further, kissing him because he wanted to. Kissing him because he knew he could. Kissing him… because it wasn't so hard to anymore. It was easier than it had been, and being close like this… it was a dream come true.
"Promise you'll be here in the morning when I wake up." Killua murmured, enjoying the kiss while it lasted. The intimacy was tugging at his heart. How he had missed this for so long was completely beyond him. He'd fucked up really bad… but he supposed, for moments like these…
Gon's limbs sagged into his embrace, and Killua corrected their position, a little perplexed by his ease. His arms wrapped around that small frame, his right bicep cushioning Gon's head. Softening eyes gazed upon his precious lover, and he shook his head.
He would never understand how Gon so blatantly trusted him without regard to his own safety. If he himself didn't trust in him, then Gon had no honest reason to, either… but he supposed it was within Gon's character. He tended to have more faith in him and himself than anyone he'd ever known. And, thinking back that night which seemed oh so long ago…
He'd only nearly killed him. He supposed, if he really HAD warned him… Gon probably wouldn't have been hurt at all. He'd been able to defend himself, but with their close proximity, it might have been hard to tell that something was going to go wrong.
This time… it was his turn to trust Gon- and, surprisingly… it really wasn't all that hard.