Title: The Love You Need (Ain't Gonna See You Through)
Author: Anney
Spoilers: Some spoilers for The More I See You
Rating: T
Word Count: 997
Disclaimer: The television series M*A*S*H and its characters are not mine. Title is taken from Telephone Line by Electric Light Orchestra.
Summary: This fic was written for the winning bidder of my auction at help_haiti . Set after the episode The More I See You, Hawkeye continues to wallow after having his heart broken by Carlye and discovering his growing love for B.J. Contains mild slash.
Hawkeye wasn't sure if the hint of color running along the horizon meant it was dawn or dusk. Hours, days maybe, in the OR made it impossible sometimes to tell. He sank down into his cot with a heavy sigh. Mere hours before the choppers came in, Carlye had left his life again. This time for good, he thought. He'd been foolish anyway. He'd tried to be with her, a married woman who'd broken his heart so many years ago, for all the wrong reasons. Sure, seeing her brought to surface a deluge of feelings that had never gone away. But he hadn't literally talked himself into a corner just because he was afraid of commitment (although he was), but because he knew, deep down, that he was trying to force himself to forget about some else.
The door creaked on its hinges and fell shut with an echoing smack. Hawkeye blinked and B.J. was standing over him.
"What?"
"Are you okay?" B.J., ever the concerned friend, sat on the edge of Hawkeye's bed. Hawk rolled onto his side, half-fetal.
"Yeah, lovely." Hawkeye sighed again, the closeness filling him with an unwelcome warmth.
"I know I don't know how you feel--"
"Ha! That's putting it lightly."
"I'm here for you, though," B.J. assured and rested a hand on Hawkeye's knee. A flush of warmth radiated through Hawkeye's body as B.J. gently patted his knee. It was nice, calming. And he hated every second of it. Sometimes, he longed for the days of good ol' trusty Trapper John. They had clear-cut boundaries: a deep friendship with a side of lust. But the relationship he had with B.J. was a little more blurry. At least on his end. That devoted nature of B.J.'s wasn't limited just to his family, but to his friends too. And he and Hawk had become fast friends. Hawkeye's feelings developed into something more at what had to be a record speed for someone who was largely a no-strings-attached kind of guy. And for just this reason too.
He sat up and put a hand forcefully on B.J.'s, stopping that damned movement. B.J. looked down at their hands.
"What's the matter?"
"Look, this little funk you see me in is not just because the first woman I ever loved stomped all over my heart again."
"Then what is it?"
"I'm stupid enough to fall for someone else I can't have. Someone whose so far out of reach and out of my league that they might as well be on another world."
B.J. looked at Hawkeye and their eyes met and Hawkeye was sure he could see the proverbial gears hard at work in B.J.'s brain. He imagined B.J. running through a mental roll call of the camp (or of the nurses at least), trying to pinpoint who, exactly, Hawkeye could be talking about.
"You, you dummy." Hawkeye pulled his hand away from B.J.'s and sank back down against the cot.
"Wait, what?"
Hawkeye rolled his eyes and rubbed a hand over his face.
"Fuck, are you that dense or am I that good at hiding it?"
"I think it's a little of both."
Hawkeye sat back up, gestured his hand as if the truth could be divined from the air between them. "I'm in love with you, you idiot."
B.J. looked around the Swamp, either for someone else Hawkeye could be talking to or for some proof that he was being fooled, Hawkeye wasn't sure which. Hawkeye got up off the cot and began to pace in the limited space the tent offered him, not looking at B.J. but feeling his gaze all the same.
"I know, my reputation as a lady's man proceeds me, maybe even defines me, but it's not...what I mean is, that, well, I like sex and I'm indiscriminate about who I get it from. I'm also, apparently, indiscriminate about who I fall in love with."
"Hawkeye, I--"
"I know. You're married, love your wife, never been tempted before in your whole life. Wholesome, all-American B.J. Hunnicutt."
"I wouldn't say I'm wholesome."
"You were before you got to this dump. Now you're tainted, but just around the edges, because at the end of the day, it's still that worn-out picture of your wife you go to bed with."
"Is that so wrong?"
"No," and Hawkeye settled back down on the cot, inches away from his best friend. "Your insufferable loyalty is one of those stupid things I like about you."
"Gee, you're full of compliments tonight, Hawk."
"Can we drop the sarcasm, just for a minute?"
"I'm not sure what else I would say..."
"You're right. I shouldn't have sprung this on you. I should've kept it to myself. Like I usually do. Because, you don't get hurt if nobody ever knows you actually love."
"Don't talk like that."
"Like how? Truthfully?"
"Defeated."
"I am defeated! This whole goddamn place has crushed every last breath out of me. And the one oasis is just another mirage."
"Jesus, Hawk, you can't put the blame on me."
"The hell I can't! Why'd you have to come here anyway? Of all the MASH units in this country. Why did Trapper have to leave and why did Henry have to die?"
B.J. shrugged. Hawkeye knew he didn't have any answers. Maybe his questions were directed to the night, to God, or whomever out there would listen. But nobody had any answers, because there's no logic in war and there's no logic in love.
Hawkeye stared at B.J. for a moment, then braced his neck and leaned in for a kiss. B.J. moved his head just in time for Hawkeye's lips to press into the corner of his mouth. They sighed in tandem and Hawkeye lingered close. Any contact was better than nothing. He felt like he was going crazy and the war wasn't the only thing causing it.
"Hawk--"
"I know, I'm sorry."
"I know. Me too." And B.J. wrapped his arms tightly around Hawkeye.