Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, the anime, manga, or novel, nor any of its characters. And reviews would be much loved~
I once questioned that perhaps people only died because I killed them. Wait now, don't think me idiotic here. What I am trying to say is that I hunt down those who I see that their time has come. If I had not spotted them, however, would they have lived longer?
To test it out I found several people throughout a long period of time and followed each one of them on their fated day with every intent to kill them. However, I would wait a few moments longer than what the time above their heads said before I acted. Naturally, though, they all died before I could even make a move.
It is possible that my being there still somehow started a chain reaction to their deaths, but this was enough for me to believe that they were going to die at that time and day whether I was there or not. And so all guilt I had once felt for my crimes slipped away.
This freed me to kill whomever I felt like without any remorse because, well, they were going to die on that date anyway. In fact, since I drugged all of my victims to avoid having them resist and make a mess they also did not feel a thing. So instead of dying some painful way elsewhere they were granted a painless death at my hands.
It was an act of mercy.
I do not like this theory I have here, that I exist as some angel of mercy, because that would make me so very vain. And a monster like me who could not even save my dear friend A's life I had no reason , no...no right to be vain. However no matter how hard I tried to push this thought from my mind it would not go away. Perhaps because this was some twisted form of justice, bringing me all that closer to L in some way... Either way, I do not plan on stopping what I do just because my thoughts bring me such distaste for myself.
If I was not anything special than this cruel God would have let me die on any of those several days which I tried to take my own life after A's demise. Instead someone found and saved me each and every time. And so my existence was prolonged, against my own will no less.
So God, here I am killing some random by-stander in some random town. It's just some practice before I go up against L, something that will never be connected to myself. I hope that is okay.
How many more do you want me to kill? How many more must fall before I can take my own life? Just how many?
later-
I sit here in this random motel room wondering if the devil is kinder than any angel. It is very possible as there is no such thing as good or evil. That whole yin yang thing is just something society created to lessen any guilt they may have when committing a crime or murdering a criminal.
Another use for it is to scare little kids into behaving properly. 'If you do something wrong it is a sin. And all sins are evil.'
As if.
And since there is no line between good and evil those angels we view as saviors probably aren't so. Just look at me... Stained with the blood of so many and yet I brought them mercy. And then look at God. He allowed me to live and allows me to kill people, something that should be considered a sin by most people. If a monster like me should not of existed then why wasn't I given a pair of normal eyes upon birth?
And this brings me to my current thoughts, those which I think while trying to idly pass time and bring me an answer as to why I exist.
So, on the other hand of God being cruel, even if just in other ways, the Devil is just as pure as he is wicked.
However, this brings up the possibility that perhaps I am in fact a demon... It does make more sense as I see death. However God does set the times of when we die, does he not? And I still bring mercy...
It is all so confusing, and I know that as a mere human, no matter how special my eyes or actions may be, I will never find the answer to these questions and so I find them best left dropped. If only I could actually forget them for good though...but sadly they will always be apart of my mind.
What matters to me more is that is all of this holds even a grain of truth than what is L?
Is he an angel who hides his wickedness? Or a demon trying to be good?
And then yet again my mind defaults into thinking about him.
Will I ever be free?
No... I was meant to become the next L. However I failed and became a tainted copy. Still, despite my goal becoming to surpass him rather to become him my fate remains intertwined with his.
He really does own me... I am a broken puppet and yet he continues to own me.
Why? Why would he do that?
I begin pacing the room, its dark walls becoming nothing but a blur to me.
What if I was a free human? What would I even do? I can't even think of a reason to exist without him...
He owns my soul.
Before my thoughts are my own again there is a knife in my hand while the other lifts up my shirt. The letter 'L' is soon craved into my flesh, a mark to which whom I belong.
It does not hurt, I tell myself. No, compared to my thoughts this pain is nothing.
The blood pours from the new wound, however in small amounts as it is shallow. Still, it is enough.
This red letter L is enough to mark me as his no matter what I do, as surely it will scar and remain there forever.
If only... If only I can mark him, too, with the letter B.