The Dwarfers get email's
A.N – Oh smeg what am I doing? But I just wanted to see what would happen if Lister, Rimmer, Kochanski etc etc all started emailing each other – and what dark secrets it would uncover…(spooky music)
And as everybody knows, Red Dwarf etc etc belongs to that bloke and not me.
The email addresses are not real, just made up. And they haven't got '.com' or '.co.uk' at the end because then it all goes funny cos the damn computer turns it into a link. Get that? Neither did I.
*********
To: lister4curry@spacebum
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer
Subject: Smeghead
Lister you stinking pile of 3rd class smeg – if you don't stop bringing girls back and locking me out of our quarters every night you will be in serious deep deep trouble. Understand? In fact I'm going to put you on report right this minute. When the captain sees this you're dead.
And my risk chums are coming round tonight so I don't want to see you for at least 4 hours. So go down to the bar and while away your worthless existence wiggling your posterior and getting drunk.
Now smeg off you annoying smegging smegger,
Rimmer.
*******************
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer
From: lister4curry@spacebum
Subject: re- Smeghead
Rimmer, I would have replied earlier but I spilled curry on the keyboard. I have 3 things to say to you. 1 – I can lock you out of our quarters if I want because I am doing far more important (and fun!) things than arguing with you and seeing your ugly face day in day out. 2 – Your risk 'chums' are sadder than you and that is saying something. 3 – I would stay in our quarters tonight just to annoy you but I have a date. I don't want to while away my worthless existence playing war games and failing exams.
Lister.
*****************
To: lister4curry@spacebum
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer
Subject: $£*!!^!"
You really are a smegging annoying smegging piece of smegging smeg.
^&%$£"£$^* ^*(&^& *^ ^ ^&* * ** * ^&^ ^%% ^ &* ^
!!
Rimmer
********************
1 To: ajrimmer@1stofficer
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese
Subject: I love you
Last night was fantastic, can you come round tonight as well? My roommates out. Meet at mine at about 10.
Oh, and bring a bigger tub this time :)
Kristine xxx
******************
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer
Subject: I love you more
You're right last night was smegging fantastic! I can't come round tonight though – I'm playing risk.
Arnie
************
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese
Subject: Risk?
You're playing risk? When we could spend the night together? You're crazy. Oh well – enjoy your game, but I hope you can concentrate when I'll be in my quarters exactly as you found me last night.
Kristine.
***************
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer
Subject: No!
Kristine – of course I'm coming round. I'll cancel. I don't want to play risk, I want to be with you! And I'll bring a family sized tub – and pineapple chunks. You're beautiful. I love you.
Arnold.
***********
To:ajrimmer@1stofficer
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese
I love you too – don't be late.
Kristine xxx
*****************
To: kryten@523P-laundry
From: hollister@fatgit
Subject: stain
Kryten – it's about that *cough* embarrassing stain. Have you got it out of my uniform yet?
Captain.F.Hollister
************
2 To: hollister@fatgit
From: kryten@523P-laundry
Subject: re – stain.
Rest assured sir! That embarrassing stain has come out, and when I have given you your uniform back I will wipe the memory from my database. That's after I've told mister Lister.
Kryten
**********
To: kryten@523P-laundry
From: hollister@fatgit
Subject: damn you!
Kryten if you so much as breath a word to Lister I will bust your ass down to tampon dispenser. Understood?
Captain.F.Hollister
****************
3 To: hollister@fatgit
From: kryten@523P-laundry
Subject: Whoops!
Sir I can assure you that I will not mention this incident to anybody…again.
Kryten 2X4B-523P
*******
To: you@nearlyasgoodlookingasme
From: Cat@amazingstunninggoodlooks
Subject: How 'bout it?
How bout it babe? You and me? Friday night…see you at 9.
To: girlisawincorridor@sexyass
From: Cat@amazingstunninggoodlooks
Subject: How 'bout it?
How 'bout it babe? You and me? Friday night…see you at 9.
To: thatgirlwhowinkedatme@sexeeeee
From: Cat@amazingstunninggoodlooks
Subject: How 'bout it?
How bout it babe? You and me? Friday night…see you at 9.
To: Cat@amazingstunninggoodlooks
From: Holly@IQ6000
Subject: Stop it.
Cat! Will you stop sending junk mail to the wrong addresses? It's clogging up the system. I've counted 45 this week that have been sent to an email address that doesn't exist. If you want to ask someone out – go up to them and ask them. Or at least get their actual email address. Okay?
Holly.
************************
To: Ackerman@freakyman
From: jiggyjiggy@scienceofficerswife
Subject: Hiya
Hi you! What about getting jiggy jiggy tonight? I promise you won't be late for work this time.
***********
To: Ackerman@freakyman
From: scienceoffcer@6footblackbelt
Subject: You don't scare me.
I am gonna beat the crap out of you! How long have you and my wife been getting 'jiggy jiggy?' Did you know I am highly trained in 5 martial arts and am really really tall? Oh shit you're that crazy prison guard…whoops. Please don't hurt me…please?
*************
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer
Subject: Last night.
Wow.
Arnold.
***************
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese
I know.
Kristine. xxxxx
A.N – Oh smeg what am I doing? But I just wanted to see what would happen if Lister, Rimmer, Kochanski etc etc all started emailing each other – and what dark secrets it would uncover…(spooky music)
And as everybody knows, Red Dwarf etc etc belongs to that bloke and not me.
The email addresses are not real, just made up. And they haven't got '.com' or '.co.uk' at the end because then it all goes funny cos the damn computer turns it into a link. Get that? Neither did I.
*********
To: lister4curry@spacebum
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer
Subject: Smeghead
Lister you stinking pile of 3rd class smeg – if you don't stop bringing girls back and locking me out of our quarters every night you will be in serious deep deep trouble. Understand? In fact I'm going to put you on report right this minute. When the captain sees this you're dead.
And my risk chums are coming round tonight so I don't want to see you for at least 4 hours. So go down to the bar and while away your worthless existence wiggling your posterior and getting drunk.
Now smeg off you annoying smegging smegger,
Rimmer.
*******************
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer
From: lister4curry@spacebum
Subject: re- Smeghead
Rimmer, I would have replied earlier but I spilled curry on the keyboard. I have 3 things to say to you. 1 – I can lock you out of our quarters if I want because I am doing far more important (and fun!) things than arguing with you and seeing your ugly face day in day out. 2 – Your risk 'chums' are sadder than you and that is saying something. 3 – I would stay in our quarters tonight just to annoy you but I have a date. I don't want to while away my worthless existence playing war games and failing exams.
Lister.
*****************
To: lister4curry@spacebum
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer
Subject: $£*!!^!"
You really are a smegging annoying smegging piece of smegging smeg.
^&%$£"£$^* ^*(&^& *^ ^ ^&* * ** * ^&^ ^%% ^ &* ^
!!
Rimmer
********************
1 To: ajrimmer@1stofficer
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese
Subject: I love you
Last night was fantastic, can you come round tonight as well? My roommates out. Meet at mine at about 10.
Oh, and bring a bigger tub this time :)
Kristine xxx
******************
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer
Subject: I love you more
You're right last night was smegging fantastic! I can't come round tonight though – I'm playing risk.
Arnie
************
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese
Subject: Risk?
You're playing risk? When we could spend the night together? You're crazy. Oh well – enjoy your game, but I hope you can concentrate when I'll be in my quarters exactly as you found me last night.
Kristine.
***************
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer
Subject: No!
Kristine – of course I'm coming round. I'll cancel. I don't want to play risk, I want to be with you! And I'll bring a family sized tub – and pineapple chunks. You're beautiful. I love you.
Arnold.
***********
To:ajrimmer@1stofficer
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese
I love you too – don't be late.
Kristine xxx
*****************
To: kryten@523P-laundry
From: hollister@fatgit
Subject: stain
Kryten – it's about that *cough* embarrassing stain. Have you got it out of my uniform yet?
Captain.F.Hollister
************
2 To: hollister@fatgit
From: kryten@523P-laundry
Subject: re – stain.
Rest assured sir! That embarrassing stain has come out, and when I have given you your uniform back I will wipe the memory from my database. That's after I've told mister Lister.
Kryten
**********
To: kryten@523P-laundry
From: hollister@fatgit
Subject: damn you!
Kryten if you so much as breath a word to Lister I will bust your ass down to tampon dispenser. Understood?
Captain.F.Hollister
****************
3 To: hollister@fatgit
From: kryten@523P-laundry
Subject: Whoops!
Sir I can assure you that I will not mention this incident to anybody…again.
Kryten 2X4B-523P
*******
To: you@nearlyasgoodlookingasme
From: Cat@amazingstunninggoodlooks
Subject: How 'bout it?
How bout it babe? You and me? Friday night…see you at 9.
To: girlisawincorridor@sexyass
From: Cat@amazingstunninggoodlooks
Subject: How 'bout it?
How 'bout it babe? You and me? Friday night…see you at 9.
To: thatgirlwhowinkedatme@sexeeeee
From: Cat@amazingstunninggoodlooks
Subject: How 'bout it?
How bout it babe? You and me? Friday night…see you at 9.
To: Cat@amazingstunninggoodlooks
From: Holly@IQ6000
Subject: Stop it.
Cat! Will you stop sending junk mail to the wrong addresses? It's clogging up the system. I've counted 45 this week that have been sent to an email address that doesn't exist. If you want to ask someone out – go up to them and ask them. Or at least get their actual email address. Okay?
Holly.
************************
To: Ackerman@freakyman
From: jiggyjiggy@scienceofficerswife
Subject: Hiya
Hi you! What about getting jiggy jiggy tonight? I promise you won't be late for work this time.
***********
To: Ackerman@freakyman
From: scienceoffcer@6footblackbelt
Subject: You don't scare me.
I am gonna beat the crap out of you! How long have you and my wife been getting 'jiggy jiggy?' Did you know I am highly trained in 5 martial arts and am really really tall? Oh shit you're that crazy prison guard…whoops. Please don't hurt me…please?
*************
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer
Subject: Last night.
Wow.
Arnold.
***************
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese
I know.
Kristine. xxxxx