Dear Diary:
Today I had to fend off Harriet's silly advances. She isn't fooling anyone, excepting maybe her mouse of a friend- Emma? I believe so. Well! I visited Emma's house to see Mr. Woodhouse- who still holds a flame for me, the poor man- and what did I look up to see but her and Harriet, glowing. I tried to avoid their companionship- but all for naught. Even as I was attempting to take my goodbye, they caught me up and before I knew it, forced me to promise them I would write a riddle for their collection. The very idea! But I could not refuse; I do believe Emma was holding a knife. Poor girl, she seems to think she is the one influencing Harriet. She may be richer, but the brains in this relationship clearly reside entirely with Harriet.
Yours, Mr. E.
Dearest Diary:
Harriet and Emma appear to be in a deeper relationship than first appeared. I wish them all the luck, but I also hope they would leave me out of it. What is their plan, to marry Emma to me and let Harriet be the poor relation? Where would that leave me? Without a real wife, without an heir. They will try to take advantage of my status as a benevolent vicar. This will not be, that pair are thieves of matrimony. What an unpleasant subject! A far pleasanter would be of my dear Mr. Knightley. Oh, yes, dear Diary, he has finally succumbed to my expert seduction. There is no man alive who is proof against these holy bones. In other news, I gave Harriet and Emma the charade they asked for. Good Lord, Emma thought it was about courtship. Harriet's brighter than that- she knows they have not caught me up just yet.
Yours, Mr. E.
Dear Diary:
Well, I am quite put out today. I suppose I should first tell you what started all this, but- oh! I think I shall go have a good sulk. Be back soon.
There, I am better. I thought rather long about Harriet and Emma's plan and I thought- this might almost be a good idea. Everyone could be happy. I would have Emma's money and Mr. Knightley's love, and never have to bother with that silly pair- Emma and Harriet will be too wrapped up in each other to care much of what I do. I thought the whole plan was brilliant. To help the bumbling pair along, I contrived a situation that put Emma alone with me in the chaise, and proceeded to make violent love to her:
"Emma!" I said, "Emma, we must marry. I do so love you, and we shall be very happy, I know it."
But she rejected me- me! She must have lost her wits, for she even tried to punch me. And I should have known. Emma needs not marry anyone. Any intelligent person would know that she would rather not share her private wealth with anyone else, the least of which a superficial husband. Indeed not- no, their plan was to marry Harriet to me and let Emma stay forever an heiress. You must understand, dear Diary, that this is quite a different story than the one I was imagining. I will simply have to drop my "wooing" of Emma if this is their plan.
Yours always,
Mr. E.
Dearest Diary,
I think it must have been nearly a year since last I wrote. In truth, very little has changed. Miss Bates is still a prattling spinster, and, yes, Mr. Knightley is as delicious as ever.
And yet, everything has changed. Harriet and Emma had a falling out once they realized the very great rift between their intelligences- Emma's money could no longer fill her cavernous head. Harriet married some man, and Emma, the dear idiot, married Mr. Knightley. I told him of all that occurred between Emma and I, and he agreed we are far cleverer than she. Now we have the proof! I also married a young, pretentious woman, but she is rich, and never protests my frequent visits with Knightley, who she calls "dear George." Well, and I am thinking it has all ended well. Emma and Jane probably think it is their happy ending. Silly fools.
Yours forever, Mr. E.