Disclaimer: If I owned Gundam Seed or Destiny, I keep telling you that Yzak would have been the main character.
Whoever said that the moon was the most beautiful thing that exists must be out of his mind.
I hate the moon. It is always staring at times when you least want it to. It never allows a complete darkness at night. Whenever you think you are alone, you are reminded of that ominous sphere sitting in the otherwise beautiful night. It is watching your every move, listening to your every word, and reading through your every thought.
Whenever I cry, it is always poking its fat face through the window, almost as if it is trying to comfort me. I seriously, honestly have no use for comfort. An ugly yellow circle up above can do nothing to ease my pain.
Whenever I feel like killing somebody, it is always looking warningly at me. If looking at people in certain ways magically diminished fury, then who would be needing cops now?
Whenever I sit and feel empty, like nothing worth anything is present in my life, that annoying ball gently shines through the blinds as if to tell me I am not alone. Since when did light qualify as valid company?
The cheap imitation they have here is scary enough. I wonder how people on Earth cope with the actual piece of rock shining down on them every night.
Maybe that is the reason why I hate the color yellow, or gold, or anything along those lines so much. It reminds me of that annoying entity that cannot seem to keep out of other people's business.
Do not ask me, then, why that same exact color lies right beside me now, with that foreboding orb staring right at me.
xoxox
I have been engaged to an extremely hot headed boy with a contrastingly cool look for my whole entire life. Our parents had been close friends …meaning political partners… and it was only natural for their children to marry to join the two houses. I didn't like him at all the first time I met him; he was arrogant, loud, and obnoxious. But as time went by and I got to know him better, I thought better of him. He was true and honorable, and quite compassionate.
I just did not feel that "tingle" that is more commonly known as love.
I was still lucky, though. It wasn't uncommon to be engaged to a man twice your age, or a creep, or both in the world of politics. My fiancé was actually my age, good looking, and I liked him. We both grew up together so we knew each other like a book. And what we lacked in love, we made up with care and friendship.
The delicate tension shattered when I enlisted into the army. My father was horrified at me, a daughter…the only daughter…leaving for such dangerous, unwomanly place. I insisted though. I wanted to do something…feel something before I got married to my fiancé-since-birth and deemed myself a boring politician's wife.
I excelled in the military curriculum. I got high honors in the academy, and became an elite redcoat. My fiancé was in a grade higher than me, but since all reds hung out together, I ended up spending much more time with him. And his friends.
That bright blonde hair was what caught my attention first. It was true that not much coordinators have natural hair colors. But that almost yellow blonde hair glued my eyes onto him. Then he turned around, and his piercing amethyst orbs literally gripped my heart.
By the time I found out he was my fiancé's best friend, I had already fallen far and hard.
xoxox
It was on a hot summer's night that we crossed the line we shouldn't have.
Most of the academy was gone that weekend, since that was our weekend off. I stayed, though, trying to enjoy my last summer as a single. After all, we were reaching our late teens; it was about time my fiancé became my husband.
Dearka Elsman stayed too, but I never found out why.
I was reading a novel in the empty common room, not wanting to go back to my even more empty room. Besides, silence was nonexistent when people were there, so I had to take advantage of the fact that no one was around to interrupt me.
I liked reading. This may sound corny, but it did take me to places I'd never been. It would let me live a free life, one without your parents having absolute power over you. It would let me meet people that simply didn't come into my life. It helped me escape from the invisible chains that bound me, if for that moment only.
Just as the protagonist of the novel finally departed from the past and went on to a 'glorious' future, the door into the common room opened. I quickly looked up, annoyed and surprised that there were still people there.
Annoyance quickly disappeared when I realized it was Dearka.
"Shiho… You're not going back home?"
He seemed equally surprised. I forced that burning sensation to disappear, and nodded in response.
"Didn't Yzak offer to take you with him, then?"
That question brought back the burning: just a different kind. That was the thing I hated about this deal. As Dearka was my fiance's best friend, there was no way that he would ever look at me. Not that I could've taken that risk. It would have harmed all of our honors. I thought it was my wishful thinking that made me hear something other than friendly amusement in his voice.
At that time, anyway.
"He…did."
Those two words stung like acid in my throat. I've never cursed my fiancé for anything. It would not have been fair. He didn't ask for our marriage either. But it suddenly seemed so unreasonable that I had to go through this.
"Why didn't you go then? It would've been more interesting than staying here, you know?"
"Well……"
"I thought his mom spoils you to death."
"She does."
By now, the acid in my throat was stinging my eyes. I hated how he sounded so happy about me being engaged to his friend. It was only natural, but it still hurt a lot.
"Then why?"
I couldn't say it. I couldn't tell him that I didn't want to marry my fiancé, at least not so soon as next year. That I wanted to stay so I can enjoy being single for a while more. That I actually did hope, if only for a tiny bit, that he would also be there that weekend. That I loved him so much it hurt, and yet I still had to marry his best friend.
"Shiho, are you alright?"
I was so absorbed in my train of thought that I didn't notice him coming close to me. My heart somersaulted when I realized his piercing violet eyes were right in front of my face, sincerely concerned for me.
"Oh…uh…yeah, I am."
"Are you sure?"
I raised my hands to shield myself from him, and the silver band on my left ring finger drew my attention.
What was I doing? I was tied down by my cruel fate, and my future had already been decided by my parents.
Dearka stared at it too, for about five seconds. Then pain and anger rushed into his expression. And in a flurry of movement I can't exactly recall, my world turned upside down and he had me pinned to the ground.
"D…Dearka…"
I stammered, not quite sure what to do or say. His gaze was cold but softened momentarily, and he gently placed a hand on my cheek.
"…Do you love Yzak?"
"You know that I can only give one answer."
"……I love you."
A tear fell from my eye. If only my parents were as close to the Elsmans as they were to the Joules, I might have been engaged to Dearka. Then I could have wholeheartedly told him then that I loved him too, without feeling any guilt at all.
I couldn't say anything. I could have told him that I loved him, but I knew I shouldn't so I didn't. But when his face came closer to mine and our lips touched, I did not resist. When the innocent kiss turned into something a little naughtier, I didn't fight back.
The moon kept staring down at us, as if to reprimand our sinful love.
He later told me that he had loved me as long as I did him, if not longer. He tried to hold it back, because I was engaged to his best friend after all…
But he couldn't. And neither could I.
xoxox
And this is where I landed. My wedding will be in less than a month, and I am still unable to push my suffocating love aside. Although my fiancé has not said anything to me yet, I know that he knows. Perhaps he does not say anything because he is equally guilty; I am suspecting a relationship between him and a certain young debutante. If my intuition tells true, then I feel strong sympathy towards him. I may not love him, but he is my comrade…comrade in the war that us, children, can never win.
The blonde head beside me shifted, still asleep. I hugged him tightly. That slight motion seemed to wake him, and he turned to me and patted my head.
"Everything alright?"
That same acid from our first day came back to me, full blast. I shook my head and hugged him even tighter.
"Shiho, tell me what's wrong. Come on."
The gentleness of his voice was sharper than any knife. His warmth was colder than the winter nights.
"…I love you."
He was poison. Those words were poison. No…more like a drug. The more you get, the more you want. There was no way I could get over him, because I was addicted to him, literally. All the risks we were taking for this moment wasn't enough to even make me consider stopping it.
"……I'm scared."
After an eternity, which he stayed up trying to comfort me the whole time, I was finally able to spit back out some of the toxins I took in from this insatiable drug.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"You know we can't continue like this."
Jealousy flashed in his eyes, and his voice took on a more dangerous edge.
"You don't even love Yzak."
"No…No, I don't."
"Why are you saying this? Why now?"
The arms around me tightened to the point of crushing my ribs and lungs.
"I'm not letting you go."
"That's not it."
"Then what?"
"Until when do you think we can stay like this?"
I knew the answer to my own question all to well. After I actually got married, there would be no more anything. I was not allowed to even get close to something that may harm anyone in anyway.
"Forever, Shiho. Forever."
And yet I wanted to believe that one word he dared to utter.
A raven cawed ominously somewhere in the background.
Dearka X Shiho fic. Shiho is engaged to Yzak. Just in case it was unclear.
The title is taken from The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe, which I do not own either.
I don't actually think they have animals in the PLANTS...not in the cities, anyway. So the point is, she heard the raven even though there shouldn't have been one.
That, and since Shino has pretty dark hair, I thought it could pass as that Shiho was the one who said "Nevermore".
I wrote this as an English journal. I honestly don't know what my teacher thinks of me right now. Lol.
Any kind of feedback is welcome!