LITTLE WHITE LIES
Axel knows.
He knows and he has decided not to tell and he hates that decision now, because Roxas is clearly hurting, trying to be strong, but still hurting, and Axel thinks that he's starting to hurt as well if he has to watch Roxas despair for much longer.
Axel is selfish and he is not going to cave in.
Axel isn't going to give up what he has now.
But. Axel knows who Roxas is.
Axel has met him. Axel has seen him up close, seen the variety of emotions on his face; seen his confusion after he had forgotten everything that truly mattered to him and Axel has enjoyed seeing that look. Axel has fought with him, clashed wills and weapons and even spilled his blood.
Back then he couldn't stop thinking that he was so much like Roxas and still nothing like Roxas. Roxas all distorted, wrong and full of genuine emotion and Axel hated how this fake Roxas (real Roxas) made him feel almost the same way as his Roxas did.
Axel doesn't know where the real Roxas is, but if he wanted to find him, he would.
The thing is: Axel doesn't want to find him.
Axel doesn't want Roxas to find him.
He's selfish and Roxas is now his. Not Sora's, but his, all his.
Axel wants Sora to stay away but he knows that it's not going to happen, because they're making Kingdom Hearts and the Superior needs Sora to complete the task. Axel knows what Sora is like and thus he also knows that Xemnas is a fool. Sora will come, definitely, and they all will rue that day and Kingdom Hearts will never be complete and they will never get their hearts back.
Except for Roxas. Roxas will get his heart back.
Axel is glad he's not going to be around when that time comes. He's going to be whole again and truly nonexistent and he will be happy (not that he will be anything) because he doesn't have to be there to watch when Roxas will not be the same Roxas anymore
All Axel can do is watch and it's eating him. He could help Roxas, but he can't, because he's selfish and he's torn and sometimes he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't know if he's still holding all the strings to this grotesque puppet act or is someone else playing him. Was the massacre at Castle Oblivion something Axel wanted or did someone made him believe he wanted it? Does he really care about Roxas or has Roxas gotten inside his skin, inside him; inside him where his heart should be. Does Axel want to keep Roxas away from Sora because he knows Roxas will disappear or does Axel want Roxas to disappear because he's still not stopping him? Roxas is making him feel all kinds of things and sometimes Axel thinks he's in love with Roxas and holy shit that's a funny thought. It's so wrong because he's not supposed to feel anything. If what he feels is love, then love must be a sickness.
There's no heart that could beat harder in his chest when Roxas holds him and kisses him and is inside him and still it beats, oh, it beats so hard that it's deafening him.
Roxas says his heart beats as well and that it beats hard.
They always say a lot but in the end they don't say anything at all.
Why something apparently so important is rendered so meaningless just because of the lack for a better term? Axel doesn't seem to make himself care, beating non-hearts and love and getting loved back aside. He's too stuck up on himself, so selfish, wanting and getting but never being satisfied and he thinks it's because he really doesn't know what he wants.
Is there really a reason to keep Roxas there, apart from "I don't want him to go?"
Is it a good reason?
Axel thinks it's not, because what he feels must be make-believe and make-believe always runs out. He doesn't have any feelings, remember? He's a Nobody. Whatever Roxas says is a lie as well, because Roxas is the same and Axel hates the thought that Roxas is lying to him.
Little white lies.
Axel doesn't know what's right and what's wrong anymore and so he watches Roxas leave and he doesn't go after him. Not yet, not until grief makes him go mad and if grief never makes him go mad, then he's all right and he'll wait and fight and die once Sora comes.
Maybe Sora (Roxas) is whole when he comes and Axel can die by his (Roxas') hand. That would make him happy.
He misses Roxas sometimes, misses the confusion he felt when Roxas took his hand and squeezed it. He misses the nights they stood in Hall of Empty Melodies and talked and laughed and Roxas wondered what he used to be like. Axel always made fun of it and never said anything although he knew just what Roxas was like and that he was nothing like he's now (or so Axel keeps saying to himself and he wonders if he's became one of his own puppets).
He thinks he should've told Roxas.
Said, "Sora's somewhere sleeping." Would Roxas have left then?
Axel doesn't know and he likes to think it would've made no difference.
Said, "I love you." Would Roxas still have left?
Axel would've been lying and Roxas would've known it and still left.
Sometimes he doesn't miss Roxas at all and he's glad that Roxas isn't there anymore and he remembers that sometimes he jerked his hand away and didn't let Roxas touch him. He remembers how Roxas used to smile at him after such an occasion, his hand in a fist and eyes hard and blaming.
He's sure he's going to go mad when he remembers that Roxas had to stand on tiptoes to reach him and that it was so easy: reaching Axel was so easy because Axel was always there.
Axel is trying to reach Roxas, but standing on tiptoes is not enough and he can't reach. He can leave the World That Never Was to go to other worlds and he cannot reach Roxas, his arms too short, his voice not strong enough.
He should've tried to reach for him a bit earlier.
Then the Superior tells him that he has to go find Roxas and take him back to the World That Never Was and if Roxas declines, Axel has to kill him. Axel hates his orders: he doesn't want to go after Roxas, because Roxas will not come back and Axel doesn't want to kill him. There was a time he wanted to kill Roxas, but it was such a long time ago and since then everything has changed or gone away.
There was a time he thought of turning against the Organization and running away because he had a really good reason. Now, as he thinks about it, he really did have a good reason and he would've probably made it out alive and if not, at least he would've died knowing he did the right thing. Now it's too late to turn on the Organization, because if he did that he would have nothing. Back then he would've had Roxas, because Roxas was his really good reason.
He could've always left with Roxas but he was too scared: scared of himself and scared of Organization.
Scared of Roxas and scared for Roxas.
Axel doesn't turn on the Organization, but he hunts Roxas down and carries out his orders.
Roxas doesn't remember him and it hurts but it also saves Axel the trouble of stopping to care. Then Roxas is gone and Sora is there.
Axel realises he was and is stupid, stupid, stupid, and now everything is gone and meaningless and Axel just wants to see Roxas for the last time, but he doesn't know if Roxas can see him, hear him, reach him.
Axel sees Roxas in Sora but Sora doesn't recognise him and now Axel is hurting, trying to be strong, but still hurting.
There's really nothing left anymore, except little white lies, all over the place.