A/N:I feel like this is the crackiest thing I have EVER written in my life.
This is my first foray into the fandom so BE NICE people. Also, if you guys recognize the lines, its because they're from Laura Clery's instagram account. She has this thing she does where she says really bizarre pick up lines to her boyfriend Stephen. All I could think of was these two when I was watching her.
Well, hopefully you enjoy!
Steeeeven!
"You've got that look again." The silence in the car was broken when Steve propped his hand up on the window edge
"Excuse m- I've got the look?" Danny pointed to himself incredulously, feeling the tac vest press uncomfortably against the hollows of his admittedly damp armpits.
"Yes Danny, you have the look." Steve gestured, rolling his hand forward like Danny was the idiot in this car, despite being the only one with the sensibilities intact enough to look for a diversion when Steve had gone charging in like a raging bull when they realized that the drug cartel they'd been observing seemed to be loading up a sizable amount of crystal meth in a tiny helicopter on the north side of Oahu.
"Well you know what, sometimes, normal people get certain looks on their faces when confronted with CERTAIN DEATH AT THE HANDS OF A HULKED OUT INSANE PERSON." Danny wasn't above rolling his hand forward the same way the ex-navy Seal had, if only to mock and annoy him.
"...it wasn't certain." McGarret muttered, shifting in his seat as the car took a sharp left turn, which left Danny clinging to the side of the car, scrabbling for purchase. It was definitely on purpose, Danny thought mulishly.
"I'm sorry ,what was that?" There was a promise of a full on riot in Danny's measured tone.
"Well, It wasn't!" Steve defended himself. "If it was certain death, you'd be dead Danny. Instead, you're here and I'm probably closer to killing you right now than the Ochoa was."
"Oh yes," If that came out slightly sarcastic, the Five-0 Leader 1000% deserved it. "I feel so much better Steven. Thank you for pointing out the obvious." He sighed, scrubbing his hand over his face, wincing when he lifted his hand to stretch, the hiss of pain that accompanied it didn't go unnoticed by his partner who glanced over in concern.
"You okay there, Danno?"
Danny ignored him in favour of peeking down his shirt, pulling the collar open far enough to see a darkening bruise spreading over his left shoulder. It didn't look particularly serious, just enough to make it a genuine pain in the ass.
"Just peachy thanks. This is all your fault, you know. You couldn't wait for back up to arrive could you? You know Grover was on his way."
"He would have been too late." Came Steve's firm answer, which only made Danny want to throttle the man.
"He showed up 30 seconds after your stupid ass went in!"
"My stup- hey, it was only 30 seconds! What if they got away?"
" In a helicopter? I don't know if you know this but there's not a lot of places a helicopter can go without HPD tracking them. Those schmucks don't even know how to turn off the GPS in the damn things!"
"You know, I think you're just too uptight."
"Uptight?!" Danny would deny to his dying breath that his voice cracked in indignation at that moment.
"Yes uptight. You hardly joke, all you ever do is complain and you're not nearly as annoying as you used to be back when we met."
"You want me to be annoying? What is wrong with you? No, seriously what is it? Did you not have enough time with your buddies in the Army -"
"Navy."
"-to realize what is normal behavior or do all you people develop that shoot first and ask questions later kind of mentality?"
"It gets the job done. And it annoys you, so that's always a plus."
"Oh you want annoying? I'll give you annoying, you oversized beefcake - "
"beefcake? "
"Starting tomorrow, you're gonna wish you'd never said that to me. You'll be screaming for mercy by the end of it!"
There was a sudden silence in the car at the last sentence, where Steve just raised his eyebrow pointedly at Danny who just huffed irately.
"Shut up."
Steve put his hands up in surrender.
"Hey, my mouth is shut."
"HANDS ON THE WHEEL YOU ABSOLUTE LUNATIC!"
"I'M GOING AT 20 DANNY, CALM YOUR ASS DOWN."
There's suddenly a loud crackle over the comm's in the car, tossed haphazardly in the middle compartment of the car.
"Uh, guys?" Kono's voice floated almost intrusively in the dead silence of the car. "You two know that the entire HPD can hear you, right?"
"Jeez, you two keep that up and you'll be married by the end of the month, easy."
"Shut up, Lou."
"Ah, Stevie, so nice to hear your voice."
"Don't mind him Grover, he's just mad because no one is applauding His Holy Hulkiness over hi s spectacular fuck up - "
"fuck u -"
"- that happened to work out because I managed to distract them -
"Hey, you stood in the background, yelling at me, and being thrown around by one guy -"
" - who was huge, in case you hadn't noticed, SuperSeal - "
The rest of the car ride continued in much the same fashion and extended into their debriefing in front of the Governor, only to be stopped when Dennings pointedly asked if the two of them would like to revisit the couples therapy they'd taken, after which the two had shut up in record time, sending their team into ill – concealed snickers.
By the time Danny pulled into the parking lot outside his apartment later that night, he'd made up his mind.
Dear Steven was going to get the 'annoying Danny' and then some.
By all accounts it looked like today was going to be a day of complete tedium, filled with paperwork and inventory checks, which was absolutely fine as far as Danny was concerned, he was actually looking forward to the monotony, relishing the mechanical movements as his life had been filled with far too many close calls of late for it to be comfortable.
He parked his car outside the McGarrett house and strolled inside the house without so much as a by-your-leave.
"Steve!"
There was no answer, which Danny took to mean that the man was either out on the lanai or in the water like the seal he was striving to become.
"Steve!"
Okay, lanai it was.
"Steeeeeeven!"
The irate "what?" came just a few seconds later, and Danny grinned as the Leader of the Five-0 came into view. He was dripping wet, clearly post swim, and lounging in the lawn chairs in the back.
"Steeeeeeeeeevennn" It took extra practice to make his voice that annoying, and Danny had only accomplished it by digging into his childhood, pulling out the voice he'd used to drive his younger sister up the walls.
"Yes, Danny." Steve was barely paying attention, watching the waves crash on the shore and drinking the health sludge he called a smoothie when he was trying to get Danny drink it.
"Do you have a shovel?"
"A shovel? I don't - " He took a long draught of the smoothie, during which Danny took advantage to finish his sentence.
"Cause I'm digging that ass!" It was the single most rewarding thing he'd done, saying that line solely to see the image of Steve's eyes flying wide open and choking on the smoothie, wiping the back of his hand over his mouth, staring at his partner in shock as he used the other hand to pound on his chest.
"Danny, what the fuck?" Danny just shrugged, snickering at the mess Steve had made.
"You said you wanted annoying, well, congratulations, by the time today is over, you are going to be begging me to stop." The ex-Navy Seal rolled his eyes and got up, shoving his half drained drink into Danny's hand and shook his head.
"Or maybe you'll die trying, Danno. I'm going to get dressed, meet you in the car in 10." Just as Danny was about to say something in return, the phone in his pocket buzzed and seeing the caller ID, Danny bid his quiet day in the office goodbye.
"Hi, yeah, It's Detective Williams, be there in ten. STEVEN HURRY UP."
It only took about another 5 minutes into the drive for Danny to get back into the swing of his original plans. He just needed for him to have his guard down, like he did now, fiddling with the radio for the umpteenth time at a stoplight.
"Steeeeeeven." He didn't even look up from the console when he responded.
"What?"
"Are you Irish?"
"What? No - "
"'Cause Irish you were naked!" Danny found he had the satisfaction of watching as Steve's hand came sliding off the console, causing him to smash his chin against the radio, switching the dial to some kind of jarring pop song. It was all he could to laugh without looking like an idiot when the injured man pinned him a with a glare.
"Danny."
"Hey, you said you could take it. Just say the word if you want me to stop." Steve narrowed his eyes at the smug look on his partner's face and turned back to the wheel as the light changed, pressing down on the accelerator.
"Bring it, Williams."
Danny was getting good at this, he'd Steve twice with some tame ones but now he was aiming to up the ante a little as they got out of the car. This crime scene was somewhere near the financial district of downtown Oahu.
"Steeeeeven." Once again, McGarrett was distracted, peering at his phone, back turned to Danny as he walked ahead. Danny kept one eye on him, (well injury wasn't so much as annoying as it was infuriating), and focused on making his voice as annoying as possible.
"Yeah?"
"Are those space pants?"
"What?"
"Cause that ass is out of this world!" Danny strolled past him giving him a rather hard whack in the upper back. (It's not like he wanted to get cited for workplace harassment).
"OUCH! DANNY!"
As it was, it appeared Grover, China and Kono had overheard him, judging by their snorts of laughter.
"What in the hell are you two doing?" Grover looked bewildered and fighting the urge to laugh at Steve's disgruntled expression, while he rubbed his back.
"Danny's gone crazy that's what." Danny just ducked under the caution tape.
"Hey you said you wanted me to joke and you said you wanted me to be annoying like how I used to be. Wish granted buddy."
"And your solution is to keep hitting on Steve with really terrible pick up lines?" Chin saqid, raising an eyebrow. Danny made a gun sign with his hand.
"Right on the ball as usual Chin."
"You realize you're hitting on him though?"
"Hey, I'm comfortable in my sexuality. But if Steve can't handle it, all he has to do is say the word. I'm just giving what's asked."
"Not what I meant." Steve muttered, following Danny. When the two of them set sights on their crime scene, all joviality disappeared, faced as they were with the scene before them.
Murder was always a tough pill to swallow.
It had to be another drug pusher. Two drug busts in the past week weren't enough and now there was a third? Danny almost wanted to shoot himself to put him out of his misery. He was crawling on the floor behind Steve, army-crawling as it were, in order to get to a position of relative safety from where to launch their assault.
As usual, it was just Danny and Steve, with back up about 10 minutes out because Steve was an antsy son of a bitch and Danny was just enough of a sucker to give up and follow him in. One of these days he was going to get himself killed following this psychopath around.
"Steeeeeven." If he was going to die, he wanted to at least go out having made Steve call for mercy.
"Mm?" Steven, bless his soul, was kneeling on all fours, in front of Danny, with a pack of bullets wedged in his mouth as he wrestled with the gun to open the chambers for the bullets. Was it terrible that the image made Danny think of how innocent Steve actually was?
"Are you with the Feds?"
"Am I with the who -? "
"Cause you've got a weapon of ass destruction!" Danny hoarse whispered, laughing at the utter stupefaction in the Seal's expression before they were jarred out of the moment by a hail of bullets raining over them and some decidedly hostile yelling coming their way.
"Come on, Danno!"
"Right behind you, you nutcase!"
Surely laughing while people were trying to kill you was inappropriate?
"I told you, I told you to wait." Was this anything new? Of course Danny had been shot. Only in the arm, but still.
"You've just got slow reflexes. Not my fault."
"Yes." Danny nodded emphatically. "It is entirely your fault. Who wanted to go in without backup? " He pointed at Steven. "You. Who wanted to wait like a sensible person?" He pointed at at himself, swinging his feet in the back of the ambulance. "Me. Who didn't listen? You. Who got shot covering your stupid ass? ME." Danny watched the amused expressions of their teammates as they drew away, after making sure Danny's injury wasn't too serious.
Danny could see Steve trying to work out a way to apologize without actually saying the words.
"Steeeeeeeeven." He couldn't help it. The timing was too perfect.
"Yes, Danny." Steve sounded resigned at this point.
"Is your name Fred Flintstone?"
"Uhh"
"'Cause I want you to yabba dabba DO ME!"
"Jesus Christ.