Conan and the Cupcake

Disclaimers: The only thing I own in this fan fiction is the cupcake. Yes. Be jealous. This idea was mostly inspired by an image drawn by Dewdropfirefly and a previously written fan fiction called Hagane no Tantei by Southpaw.

This story will cross over a series of animes, books, games and so forth. The main is Detective Conan since one of the main characters is Conan.

If you are hoping that this will be one of my angsty woeful tragedies that I often write with various genres- you are sadly mistaken. This will be a parody- I hope it will be humorous. I'm attempting to make the mega of all crossovers but at the same time make it make sense- and yet make it make no sense at all.

The story will run like a series of short stories following either Conan or the Cupcake or both. And if I haven't scared you away yet- I hope you find it just as amusing as me.

CROSSOVERS (in this chpt)

-Detective Conan

-Full Metal Alchemist

Chapter One: Cupcake Murderer

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

There was absolutely nothing wrong with the cupcake except the fact that it refused to be anything else. It was perhaps smaller than the average sized cupcake, but then that might have been simply the fault of the baker. It appeared plump of its cake and thickly smeared with its icing. White on white, a very vanilla type of cupcake- Conan's least favorite.

It sat contently on the table in its happy wrapping of hearts and stars. Beneath it laid an array, crudely scribbled on with washable markers. These uncouth instruments left a mix of blue and black on pinewood- as if like an elaborately designed bruise. And that was all it seemed to be, a miserable bruise. Conan could make it do nothing else but smudge and bleed beneath his fingertips.

"Oh if only you would change a little," sighed Conan to the little cupcake. But the cupcake, of course, remained mute.

Whatever secrets lie hidden in the complexities of this arcane magic refused to reveal themselves to him. It was no true surprise really. Alchemy had never worked before, so why, on a mere whim, should it decide to defy physics for him now? Because it had for that foreigner with only a clap of his hands…

Conan couldn't pretend that he had any real knowledge of this sort of magic. He knew that alchemy was a dead science- practiced for nearly two thousand years until it became obsolete and was discarded. After all, it was common knowledge that you couldn't add ingredients together to create something else. Conan wasn't a scientist but he knew that this whole alchemy thing was theoretically impossible. He was a detective, and as such he felt the need to experiment. It killed him that this Ed fellow could achieve something beyond his deductive comprehension. If this alchemy thing were true then perfect crimes might actually be possible.

So thus returns the cupcake. Conan had no real set goal in mind for the pastry. He thought that attempting to change its flavor might be too ambitious for a beginner alchemist like himself. The idea of changing its color came to mind as well and left just as quickly. Shape shifting seemed the most logical approach if logical thought could even be equated into what he was attempting to perform. So Conan wanted just to squish the cupcake a little and pan out its shape.

Conan had found and borrowed an old volume from Agasa's library called, Alchemized Minds: The Historical Origins of Modern Science. It gave a few notes on early alchemic theories with basic arrays drawn in as examples. It was unfortunately difficult to use. The book was roughly translated into Japanese from its original western language and then combined with a book about Chinese Taoist. Sifting through the theories, Conan had a hard time filtering what was a western and what was an eastern conception. And even further, whether or not the different opinions mattered at all.

With careful calculation and acute attention to detail, Conan hand copied one of the more complex arrays onto the kotatsu in Agasa's parlor. He had to use washable markers because it was Agasa's furniture and, despite whatever abuse it had received in the past, Conan worried about marking it up so blatantly.

The washable markers were from Ayumi. Conan knew they were hers because Ayumi's name was sprawled across the box in giant messy hiragana characters. He had no idea how he ended up with them, but he figured he'd worry about that mystery once he discovered how to alchemize this cupcake.

The array mostly consisted of several pentagons and triangles piled with graceful serendipity atop one another. The words written betwixt the lines and arches appeared to be archaic guidelines for the actual width and densities of however much matter he wished to transmute. The math was complex and challenging but provided Conan's intellect a wonderful mental workout. The most difficult to interpret were the Romanic symbols on each of the four pinnacle directions- points that even the book could not easily translate. Although he was reluctant, wikipedia, google and other various websites helped him break down the rest.

As he worked he slowly began to understand more about the art of the alchemy. The drawn lines appeared to function like wires would to electrical currents, giving guidance and flow. He felt as though he were mapping out the veins in a human body and then stretching them out on the table in front of him. The labor was intense. It was hours before he was ready to test it.

And then, what to test it on? He debated it all through the quiz on multiplication tables they had that afternoon, even before the array had been completed. He knew by the end of class what he would test it on.

The cupcake wasn't his. He didn't make it nor was it made for him. Ayumi had baked cupcakes on her birthday for the class. She saved one for the new prospective member of the detective boys, Edward Elric. Although the foreigner was hotheaded, snappish, and had a strange accented Japanese- the detective boys had wanted him instantly, not including Conan, of course. And Haibara Ai could not be accounted in that tally simply because she could never care less.

Oh but if only the children knew what he was! They loved his golden hair and eyes, and admired his intellect that rivaled Conan's own. It was really disgusting to Conan. He knew what they knew not. What they were obsessed with was some sort of alien and not one of those illegal aliens from Mexico either. Edward was one of those out-of-space out-of-dimension kind of alien.

At least that's what Conan assumed Edward was, since even Conan wasn't entirely sure. It was yet another mystery he had yet to get to the bottom of.

But back to the cupcake. It was Edward's, of course, and Conan had stolen it out of the boy's backpack when he wasn't looking. Although Conan knew that the act was rather petty, taking out his revenge on Edward's cupcake, he couldn't help but feel satisfied knowing that the cupcake would never go into the boy's stomach. Edward would never have the satisfaction of the sweet sensuous sugar melting in his mouth and cascading down his insides with pure surges of unadulterated energy. It was really too bad. Conan felt guilty about letting the cupcake go to waste.

The only problem Conan had now was getting the array to summon the alchemic energies. According to his theories, those influenced by the disjointed and misinterpreted theories of scholars long since gone, the array needed some sort of catalyst or rather a sufficient jolt that could discharge the powers trapped inside the prison of squares, triangles and pentagons. But what, Conan hadn't the foggiest.

Conan had tried tentatively tapping the farthest most corners of the array. Then he tried knocking, pounding, and slapping the table in any way to stir it. He tried clapping in the air like Edward had and then touching the table. He rubbed his hands together, snapped his fingers, and waved his arms through the air. Conan even resorted looking up various Latin phrases in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, hoping and perhaps even praying that what was magic in that world might have traversed over with Edward to this.

Nothing stirred the cupcake. He poked and prodded it. Conan danced around it and shouted as many magical phrases he could think of. He tried speaking to the cupcake in Tolkien's version of Elven.

"Tula sinome! 'Kshonna wanya! Elea i'dolen!"

But he could have very well shouted, "Lanta kaima!" for the cupcake would not move.

Conan might have even attempted the Macarena if he could just remember all the movements.

He waved Ayumi's marker like a wand in attempts to swish and flick, but he only ended up skewering the cupcake. Frustrated, exhausted and overall fed up with the impossible endeavor, Conan used the marker to slice the cupcake in half. Then he pounded it with his fists, squished it in between his fingers, and rolled it through the array turning it into a muddy murky mess of white, blue and black.

It was, of course, then destined that this was the time Edward decided to happen into Agasa's parlor and discover where the young detective had wandered off to. The golden haired boy stood, aghast in the doorframe. His mouth fell agape as he watched Conan, covered in cake and icing, proceed to pulverize what was now no longer identifiable as a cupcake.

"W-T-F mate?" said Edward when Conan finally noticed him.

Conan threw in one last grinding punch, cake still in his hair on covering his cheeks, and said, "I'm cooking. Leave me alone."

"Is that my cupcake?"

"No," said Conan. But it was obvious to both that it was.

"Damn," said Edward giving Conan a once over. "You- you're a cupcake killer."

Edward noticed the table. "What's that?"

Conan attempted to hide it, but Edward had been an alchemist far too long to not recognize an array when he saw one- no matter how smudged or erred. He ran his hand over the mess, catching ink dyed icing on his fingers as he did.

"That's an alchemic circle."

His expression was grave. It looked odd on his young face. Conan decided he still had a chance to play off dumb.

"Well look at that," chirped Conan with perhaps too much enthusiasm. "I hadn't even noticed it there."

Edward looked far from being fooled. "You were trying to perform alchemy, weren't you?"

"Don't be ridiculous. How in the world could I possibly perform alchemy? I'm just a kid- not to mention it being a myth."

Edward grabbed Conan's shoulders all without warning.

"What did you transmute?" Edward demanded, his face far too close to Conan's. Conan could smell the boy's breath and it was not pleasant. It smelt of fish, a smell that Conan was never fond of.

Conan thought, what the heck? I'll humor him.

"A human. A little person- faerie of origin I believe," said Conan imitating little wings with his fingers. "I was aiming for a pixie really but I think I shot my goal too high."

And Edward shook Conan roughly- his prosthetic arm cutting into Conan's shoulder. For plastic, it was sure more painful than his flesh grip.

"Human transmutation is the forbidden art! You can't-"

Then as if realizing what he was saying Edward faltered. "Wait… You can't make a person out of a cupcake."
"Nahhh, really?"

Edward fell back and smiled a strained smile. "Oh. So it didn't work."

"Not at all. So in the future if I ever have a desire to create a little person out of a cupcake I shall go to you first and not waste the effort…" Conan paused and gave himself a once over, "and cupcake."

He attempted to wipe the filth off him, but the stickiness of the icing remained no matter how good he wiped. Perhaps he really was a cupcake murderer. Now he could imitate Lady Macbeth except with icing that shall never wash off. That thought amused him as he wandered off towards the washroom.

"I'll be back in a minute to clean up," said Conan over his shoulder as he went.

And Conan left Edward in the room alone. Edward scanned the remains of the array, flipped through the books that lay in piles around the kotatsu and scrapped up the cupcake's remains respectfully.

Curious, Edward tasted what remained. He licked it off one of his prosthetic fingers, and then cringed. It was far too sweet for his taste buds.

"But it would be a shame to leave you like this," said Edward to the mutilated cupcake.

So Edward clapped his hands and touched the mush with his fingers.

Conan returned, with an armful of cleaning products, in the hopes that one of the mops, wipes, or vacuums might help take care of the job for him. But what he met upon his return caused him to drop all such things with a loud clatter to the floor.

The room was clean. On the table sat a round yellow little cupcake that had angry eyes and a blonde antenna sprouting from its head like a weed. Its wrapping was now red, and it had a tongue entirely made of cake. Conan felt as though that tongue was pointed at him.

Conan picked up the curious object off the table and carefully touched the cupcake's tongue. It really was just entirely a cupcake.

Sighing, Conan unceremoniously dropped the cupcake back on the table.

"I really gotta figure out how he does that."

To Be Continued…

Please R & R!

Okay because I'm sure it will come, I shall answer some questions I know you're all probably wondering:

How is Edward Elric in Detective Conan's world?

Simple. Because I wanted him to be.
No, I'm kidding. Really that gets touched on much later on but the story. If you want an immediate explanation read the story this thing is sort of a parody of- Hagane no Tantei by Southpaw. My explanation will probably be like that- if I ever get there.
But the story isn't about Edward or anyone else who shows up for that matter. It's about the cupcake and Conan. Everyone else is just consequences of plot.

Who else will appear?

For sure anyone in the Detective Conan universe. Link from Zelda has been mentioned. Probably Naruto and Gohan might show up. My friend wants me to include an Alucard piñata. Characters that appear might not be themselves either- or rather just mentioned and so forth. It depends on how logically I can make their appearances.

Will this all make sense eventually?

Mostly. But then again- some things just shouldn't be explained. It would just take the joy out of it after all.

Can you make (insert character name here) show up next chapter?

You can request it but it doesn't mean I'll put them in. This isn't an interactive fiction- just a collection of weird short stories.

What are you on?

I have no idea. I've been trying to figure it out myself.

If you want to write a review telling me just how stupid this idea is, please keep the opinion to yourself. It's supposed to be stupid. Get over it.

I do accept creative criticism though if you wish to give it.

I hoped you all enjoyed it irregardless. And if I didn't get you to laugh or even giggle- I hope I, at least, gave you a smile.