Cold, steel bars.
Weeping prisoners.
The mixed scent of blood and fear.
This is what I wake to, every morning.
Rubbing my eyes and sitting up from my uncomfortable bed- a simple cot with only a small mattress and paper-thin blanket- I squint up at the sudden light invading my small, previously unlit cell.
"Get up, filth." A cruel voice says from the door. A man dressed in a deep blue uniform stands there, his face expressionless save for the malicious glint in his narrow eyes. "Now, or I'll drag you out of here like the vermin you are." He spits.
This is the normal procedure for the day; I am woken at the break of dawn by insults, allowed to eat a meager bowl of pale white paste they call gruel for breakfast, and then forced to do laborious tasks within the confines of this gray, life-absorbing building.
I've long since stopped trying to find a bright side, and I have succumbed to the fact that up until my life ends, I will be trapped here as a prisoner. My mother gave birth to me in this sad place, then was executed soon after, leaving me alone to be brought up in these surroundings. My single inheritance from them is my dirty blond hair in its short ponytail, and my blue eyes. The only parental figures I had were figments of my young imagination, and those were quickly beaten out of me. You'd think they wouldn't keep children inside such a place, but then again, you wouldn't think they would abuse us like they do. There's never a day that goes by where one of us goes unharmed, and the children get double the punishment, as to 'imprint in our minds who is law and who are the filthy mongrels'.
No matter how I tried to hold on to the hope that someday I would be freed, that these unruly guards would get their just desserts for how we're treated here, and all of us would be released from this horrible place, it continued to slip from my grasp until I, too, looked like the rest of the prisoners here; pale, blank, and lifeless. I dare not show any sort of emotion around the guards. It would only result in another beating. They enjoy seeing me in pain, hearing my cries of anguish as more marks are added to my scarred back. I'm almost positive their favorite color is as red as my blood.
As usual, I go through my day mechanically, doing the tasks set for me that I'm sure they create on the spot just so they can watch all of us work until we nearly fall over from exhaustion. And if we fail to do what they tell us, they easily put us out of our misery, either killing us on the spot as an example, or dragging us away for some torturous death back in the forbidden area of the building.
Sometimes, I wonder if that would be better than staying in this god-forsaken prison.
However, I won't push them that far; even if staying here is unbearable, I can't just give up. So I continue on, fighting back angry outbursts whenever they throw their stinging insults, doing whatever they tell me, and waiting. Waiting for the day when I'll finally get out of here, even if it seems like it's never coming. Because I have a reason to keep living.
Around midday, at the same time each day, they allow us outside the prison for a single hour, where we may wander around in the fenced in yard and enjoy our short time in the sunshine. A small and unintentional kindness on their part, permitting us to feel the slightest hint of freedom for a short while. They're supposed to watch us during our 'free-time', but really, they only pay attention when they think one of us is trying to cause trouble.
I exit the mechanical door behind me, leading up the back of the line of prisoners, a soldier standing closely behind me. The moment the sun hits my face, I let out a sigh, soaking it in.
I must have stopped, because in the next moment I am shoved forward, stumbling over my own feet. "Keep moving!" The soldier behind me barks out.
I cast a hateful glare backwards, but regain my dignity and walk off, putting distance between me and the soldiers. The grass feels nice under my shoeless feet, and I wander a few moments, heading towards a small area off to the side of the building, still where they can see me, but not in their direct line of sight. No other inmate comes here besides me, luckily, so I have the place to myself. I sit down on the grass, gazing past the high, barbed-wire fence towards the tall trees beyond.
I don't wait here long. A few minutes, and I hear small footsteps approaching me. Four other children, all younger than I, come find me. Two girls, Meiko with short brown hair, Luka with long pink strands; Two boys, Piko with silver hair and two different eye colors, and Mikuo, teal haired and the oldest of the four. All are dressed in torn and much-too-small clothes, with Piko's the cleanest, being the newest child to enter this hell, moved from a prison far from here. The other children smile as they come near, but Piko avoids my gaze, being dragged along by Luka. He's the only one who hasn't completely warmed to me.
"Len! Len!" Meiko says happily, running up to me and grabbing my tattered brown pants, looking up at me with gleaming eyes.
"Hey, Meiko." I say, offering as genuine a smile as I can muster, kneeling down to look at her.
Mikuo sits down, and Luka pulls Piko over. "Please, Len, tell us another story!" She pleads, sitting with the nervous looking boy.
"Yeah! Yeah, Len, please! Tell us another one of your stories!" Meiko plops down ungracefully, her matted strands bobbing around her face. The youngest one, she still has quite a bit of baby fat, but I'm sure a few more weeks here will strip her of that just like the others. I have no idea how old any of the children really are, but that doesn't really matter. Age means nothing around here. I'm not even sure how old I am, but I think that I'm around fourteen.
"Another story, hmm?" I say, sitting down cross-legged in the grass and facing the children. Despite everything that's happened to them, they still somehow manage to exude an aura of innocence and optimism. It's a welcome change from the dreariness of the rest of the day, but I only get to see them during our 'free-time', as they are put in a different section of the prison from me, and any other time I see them, we are herded away from each other like cattle.
"Yeah! Tell us the one about that evil queen again!" Luka says hopefully.
I pause to think. "How about... I tell you the story about her servant?" I suggest to them.
They look at themselves curiously. "The servant?" Mikuo asks after a moment. "The one who looked like her? He has a story too?"
I nod emphatically. "Yep. His story is very, very important!" I say to them.
Meiko jumps up happily. "I wanna know! Tell us, Len, tell us!"
A few seconds later and the other kids are asking me to tell them the story, with even Piko looking interested. "Alright, alright!" I give in easily, smiling at them. "'Once upon a time, there was an evil kingdom, ruled by a fourteen year old girl'..."
For the next several minutes, they sit enraptured in my storytelling. Everyday I look forward to this one moment of peace, where it's just me, the children, and the wind in the trees. It may not seem like much, but when I see the happy expressions on their faces while I tell my story, I feel just a bit better myself.
When I'm done, the boys are pouting slightly and the girls are crying. "B-But... that's sad, Len! I want a happy story!" Meiko whines. "Happy ending!"
"Maybe there is a happy ending..." I say, winking. "You didn't really think it ended there, did you?"
The children look dumbfounded. "Is there a happy ending?" Piko speaks up for the first time, looking at me hesitantly.
"I guess you'll just have to find out tomorrow," I say, earning a chorus of 'Awwws' from the small group. "That's plenty of story for today. Tomorrow, I'll tell you the rest. Okay?"
The kids scramble to their feet. Meiko comes over and hugs my legs. "Yay! More stories!" She cheers.
I carefully pick her hands off, nodding. "That's right! Now go on, all of you. Go play while you can." I usher them away.
"'Bye, Len!" They all say in unison, before running off to play in the open space and bringing small, short-lived smiles to the other prisoners wandering about.
I sigh, watching them a moment before turning back to face across the fence. My eyes search the trees only a moment before falling on her.
Just as with every other day, she's come again.
Wearing a white dress with a blue ribbon tied around the waist, and always a white sunhat with a pink bow attached, the girl takes a few steps towards me, then stops. Her short blonde hair flies in the wind around her face, and even from here I can see the intensity and the liveliness of her blue eyes. She doesn't ever come too close, though; always staying just beyond talking distance. But still, she always watches me when I'm out here with the kids. Luckily the children never notice her, but I did. How could I ignore the presence of someone from the outside, always watching us?
I take a step closer to the fence. I don't want the guards to see me or her, or else they may scare her away and punish me. Curiously, I stare back out at her. Normally I would avoid eye contact, thinking she'd never want anything to do with someone like me. Lately, however, that has changed.
About two weeks ago, after one of my storytelling sessions, I had stayed behind, cautiously allowing myself to watch her distantly in the spring sunshine and thinking she didn't notice my gaze on her. As I was studying her though, she faced me and waved, startling me.
Out of confusion, I raised my hand and slowly waved back. She had raised her hand to her face then, almost looking like she was giggling, and I felt myself really smile. After that, it became something we did. Waving across our barbed-wire barrier. Each day she would come closer, and each day I was able to see her more. Even though we couldn't speak to each other, I found myself looking forward to her visits as much as my time with the kids.
After a while, I began to wonder what talking to her would be like. Surely, if she waved and smiled at me, she wouldn't mind talking? But how? I dare not call her closer to the fence, to risk her being seen. But how else could we actually communicate?
The idea came to me when I was laying in my cot one night, thinking. What if I...?
From then on, a plan formed in my mind, taking shape and piecing together, until I was ready to try it today. Having stolen a small stack of paper from one of the soldier's desks and a pencil, I managed to figure out a way to get my words to her. I can only hope it actually works.
The girl waves at me, and I wave back, smiling as I look at her. Then I reach down into my pants pocket, grasping for my creation. When I pull it from my pocket, I hold it carefully, and with a single pleading word, I send the crisp paper airplane over the barrier between us.
It lands at her feet, and I hold my breath with worry as she leans down and retrieves it. I can see the wondering look in her eyes.
"Hey! Time to get inside!" A harsh voice calls, and I glance back, where the prisoners are being corralled and forced to reenter the looming building by the soldiers. Time's up already?
I turn to look at her, but she's already disappearing back into the brush. I barely catch sight of her vanishing figure before she's completely obscured. I exhale, a bit disappointed, but then catch up to the inmates as not to draw any unnecessary attention to myself. I cast a single look towards that spot, before entering the thick-walled building and being closed up within the dark confines.
Just like that, I return to the regular schedule of my day. I work as I am told, but my mind wanders back to her. Her eyes had lit up when she'd seen the letter, but would that mean she'd like what I said?
As the day grows later, I continually question myself. 'What if she hated it?' 'What if I wrote something incredibly stupid?' 'What if she ignores it?' 'What if she doesn't come back?' I torture myself with these repeating 'what ifs', even until that night when I am thrown back into my cell and locked in with only my thoughts for company.
Finally, I fall into a restless sleep, my letter and her expression stuck in my mind.
Hi there.
If you manage to get this airplane, that means that we can talk to each other this way. If you want to, that is. I don't know if you really want to talk to someone like me.
It's nice to meet you. I'm Len. I was hoping that maybe we could send paper airplanes back and forth, cause even though I like waving, I'd like to talk to you. Is that okay?
I'll wait here at the fence if you want to reply.
Sincerely, Len.
The next day flies by in a blur.
My chores seem to go by faster than usual, and I'm not sure if it's because of adrenaline, or curiosity on whether the girl from behind the fence will send back a response. My heart beats faster than normal with nervousness, and I immerse myself in my work, hoping it will take my mind off her.
When the time rolls around for our 'break', I walk out with the other inmates. While I tread back to the usual spot, I think about the letter again. I drop down to the grass and stare out past the fence. Did I spell everything right? I ask myself. Did I repeat myself? Was what I wrote stupid-sounding?I hope I didn't sound really dumb...
"Leeeeen!"
I turn my head to see my loyal listeners running over with smiles and curious looks.
"Hey guys," I say with forced cheerfulness, making myself look away from the fence.
Piko looks out at the fence, quiet as ever. Meiko happily grins at me, while Luka and Mikuo stand attentively side-by-side. "C'mon, Len, you gotta tell us if there's a happy end!" Meiko says sweetly.
"We've been waiting all day to know!" Luka adds.
I tilt my head at them. "Oh?" I glance at Mikuo and Piko. "You two also?"
Mikuo nods quickly, but Piko doesn't show any signs of hearing, staring out past the fence. His gaze is so intense that I peek towards the outside hastily to see if she's been seen. Nothing but the quivering leaves show any life.
"Well, it's no good to make you wait any longer, right?" I grin, clapping my hands together. "Sit down, and I'll tell you what happens in the end for the two sad siblings."
It takes only a second for them to do as I ask, and I soon begin weaving my tale, letting the details of the story push out my worries for the time being, telling the regretful story of the sister.
Not long after, I close out the story. "...And in that moment, she was reunited with the person she cherished most. They lived happily, singing songs with each other forever after." I study my audience's reactions.
Meiko immediately jumps up and runs at me, throwing her small arms around my neck. "That was the best ending! They got to be together always!" She says elatedly.
"I liked your singing," Luka says shyly, smiling from her seat and brushing back a few stray strands of her garnet hair. "The song was really pretty."
Mikuo frowns. "Ehhh, they should have got a cooler ending! Like, they were reincat-renicar-ren-somethinged into warriors! Heroes who saved the day and always have each other's backs!" After receiving a cold look from Luka, he turns his gaze away sheepishly. "B-but, that ending was okay, I guess... Right, Piko? Piko?"
The silver-haired boy in question has silent tears rolling down his cheeks, having started crying without being noticed. His small mouth is in a thin line, and his arms are wrapped around his torso tightly.
Miko frowns at him. "Don't cry!" She mutters something about crybabies, then grabs the silverette's hand, pulling him up and yanking him away. "Come on Piko, let's go play!"
"Thanks for the story, Len!" Luka says, rushing off to catch up with her friends and Mikuo following hot at her heels.
I chuckle lightly, running a hand through my dirty blonde bangs and shaking my head. Those kids are definitely strange, but much like a breath of fresh air.
I stand up, facing the fence and studying the nature outside, but mostly waiting to see the familiar cheery face and bright sunhat that meant her arrival.
More time passes. I see no sign of her, and I begin to feel more and more worried. My hands ball up at my sides.
I'm about to give up and walk away, but before I can, I finally see her. She walks out slowly, carefully, wearing a pink shawl today over another white dress. When she sees me, she waves at me, smiling brightly.
Relieved, I wave back, offering a smile of my own. I'm happy to see her, and glad that I at least didn't scare her away. But... Will she...?
The girl looks around a moment, before reaching into her shawl. A bit hesitantly, she takes a bright white airplane and throws it, sending it sailing over the fence.
Blinking in surprise, I reach for it, catching the plane by the wing and gazing from it to her. I can see the slight anxiousness written on her face while she watches me.
I unfold the plane, letting my eyes take in the elegant handwriting much different from my own rough scratches.
Dear Len,
I was very happy to receive your letter! No one has ever written me a letter before; it was very sweet of you!
I love paper airplanes. I would love to talk with you as well. But, aren't you afraid of being caught?
You seem very nice. Seeing you with those little children always makes me happy. They always look like they're having fun. What are you telling them every day?
I hope we can be wonderful friends!
Sincerely, R.
I reread the letter a second time, before looking up at her once more. My eyes meet her bright blue ones. Then, I smile widely, suddenly feeling happy, incredibly happy. It's like a warm light has suddenly appeared in what I once thought was pitch, unending blackness, slowly but surely brightening my dark world.
The girl- R, huh?- looks at me strangely, before a smile bigger than mine appears on her face. I look down at the paper in my hand, treasuring the feel of it, and I hesitantly begin to hope that maybe, just maybe, this means that maybe things will go better for me.
That day, I finally was able to become friends with her.
Dear R,
I like paper airplanes too. I'm kind of afraid of getting caught, but I think it's worth it. I don't talk to very many people.
You seem nice too. Also, I really like that pink shawl you wear. It looks very nice on you.
Those kids are kind of like having little brothers and sisters. Every day I tell them stories, and I sometimes sing to them here. They don't have any parents, so I try to make them feel happier here when I can.
I'd love to be friends with you!
Also... what's your real name? Unless it really is R, 'cause then I'm sorry if I sound rude. I'd just like to know.
Til tomorrow, Len.
Dear Len,
Why are you in that prison, anyway? Oh, I hope that doesn't sound mean or anything, I'm just curious. Do you not have any friends in there?
Thank you, Len! It's my favorite... I'm glad you like it. That made me smile a lot.
Ooh, what are their names? Please, tell me all about them! I want to know more about them, and get to know you, too. I also want to hear some of your stories. Could you maybe tell one of them to me someday? I wish I could hear you sing. I like to sing too, but lately I haven't been too good at it.
They don't have any parents? That's so sad! I would love to meet them. You're doing a good thing, taking care of them just like a big brother would!
You don't sound rude at all! My real name isn't really R, that's just my initial. My name is boring though. R sounds nicer, doesn't it? Maybe sometime I'll let you know what my real name is.
Love, R.
The following weeks pass by like this. At first, we just took turns and sent a plane a day, but soon after, I began sneaking pencils and paper outside the prison walls while she started bringing her own, and we'd sometimes exchange two or even three at a time. I look forward to each time she visits me, because her words always make my day lighter, my chores seem like less work, and I find myself smiling more to myself, chuckling slightly at the jokes we tell and remembering them with fondness. Without my even knowing, I was starting to get up out of bed every morning without being afraid, without that dead feeling inside my heart. With each letter, R was erasing my black hopelessness, replacing it with light happiness.
I get up today with my now-usual cheery thoughts, smiling to myself as I think about what I'll talk to R about today. Maybe she'd even let me know her name? I keep asking, but she always evades the question. One day I'll know, I'm sure she'll tell me! I continually reassure myself.
I rub my right arm slightly, feeling the welt on my forearm from where the guard had hit me yesterday for taking too long doing my chores. I don't complain, though; I don't want to draw too much attention to myself. Instead, I pull my shirt sleeve down as far as it can go and pretend it doesn't exist, even though it hurts.
I walk into the crowded cafeteria, where they're serving the same thing as always; white slop. However, as I retrieve my bowl from the stern-faced old man behind the counter, I notice small red and white chunks in it. Curious, I spoon it up cautiously, tasting it.
... Apples? It's been forever since they put fruit into the gruel. Why now...?
Shrugging, I quickly move on and head for the only empty table, towards the back of the room, where I see a new guard standing nearby. His hair is a light blue, and when he catches sight of me I notice his eyes are the same shade. I turn my gaze from him quickly, knowing that if you stare at a guard for too long, they get angry. I sit down by myself and, paying everyone else no mind, I begin to eat, daydreaming on what to say to R.
"Do you like it?"
Blinking, astonished, I snap out of my thoughts to glance to my right. The blue-haired soldier is staring straight at me, eyes gleaming.
When I don't answer right away, he repeats himself. "Well? Do you like it?"
After gathering my thoughts properly and deciding this new soldier to be a bit... odd, I nod slowly. "...Y-Yes. It's... good." I force out.
He claps his hands together happily. "I knew that apples were a good choice. Everyone loves apples." He smiles at me, which takes me aback. "Do you like fruit?"
"Yes... I, um, I like bananas..." I say hesitantly.
"Oh good! I'll have them try that in it tomorrow!" He peers at me. "What's your name? I'm Kaito Shion!" He sticks his hand out.
I grasp his hand gingerly, feeling awkward by his too-friendly approach. "Len..."
He shakes my hand firmly, grinning ear to ear. "Nice to meet you, Len!" He scans around at the prisoners solemnly eating around me, then back at my empty table. "You don't eat with anyone?"
"No, I don't."
"That's no good!" He says, a frown taking over for a moment. "Hmm..."
The sapphire-haired soldier pauses, before nodding to himself. "Alright...!" He slaps his hand down on the table, causing me to jump and nearly spill my spoonful of porridge. "I'll spend lunch with you, then!"
"W-What?" I say, dumbfounded, my guard up. "Why?"
"You seemed kind of lonely sitting here all by yourself." Kaito says, looking down at me. "I'll hang around and talk to you." He gives me a toothy grin.
I stare at him as he straightens his gray uniform. "But..."
"Eh? Unless I bother you?" Kaito looks hurt.
"Well, no, I..."
"Then it's settled!" He says, the fake sad expression fading as fast as it came.
"B-but, what about the other soldiers, or...?" I try to ask, casting cautious glances towards where some of the other guards are glaring our way, their eyes seemingly especially on my talkative new... problem.
"Oh, them? Don't worry, I don't care what they think!" Kaito says cheerfully. "Now, tell me about yourself, Len! What's your favorite color? Mine's light blue, like, y'know, sky blue? You look like a blue kind of guy yourself, but I could be wrong. No, wait, maybe a dark green, or an orangey red. Orange is a pretty cool color too, like a sunset orange-"
I just sit there as he goes off on colors, then to favorite foods, then on to other topics that never really crossed my mind until he brings it up. Without really wanting to, I just listen to him drone on about the silliest of things, still marveling over the fact that he hasn't said a crass insult about me yet.
Unbeknownst to me, another light begins to block out my darkness.
Dear R,
Today has been really strange. There was a new guard today at breakfast. He has really blue hair. He's not like the other soldiers. He talked to me today, and told me his name is Kaito Shion. He was actually... nice. But he talks a lot. He-er, Kaito- said he wants to be friends with me. He's really odd. I don't know if I should be around him... He's kind of annoying sometimes. He's also changing some stuff here- I wonder if that's good or bad? He seems nice, though...
How did you like the story I wrote for you? I told a new one today to the kids. It was about a girl who lived in a tower, and met a lookalike boy in her mirror who became her best friend. They all liked it but Piko. I wonder what kind of stories I can write that he would like?
How are you today? Sorry, I probably should have asked sooner. You look nice again, that pink dress is very pretty.
Hey, R, what's your favorite color?
Sincerely, Len.
Dear Len,
That Kaito person sounds really nice! I'm really glad he talked to you. Even if he's really chatty, it's good to know you have a friend there now. Kaito sounds like lots of fun to be around! I have a friend here, too. A girl with bluish green pigtails. She- I'm going to call her M- and I spend a lot of time together. She's my only other friend besides you. But that's okay; I like having you as my close friends! I can talk to you about anything, Len.
The story about the brother and sister? It was so funny! I loved the end, when it was a tie between them! Their reactions were so silly! You're a great storyteller, Len. I love your stories. They're even better than the ones I read in books. Can you send me that story too? It sounds so interesting!
Piko seems very shy... Maybe the stories you tell remind him of his home, or of his family? Maybe you should ask him. I'm sure he'll open up to you!
Well, I was doing fine, but... My father found your letters. He told me not to write to you anymore, and tried to take away my letters. Don't worry though, I found them and I'm keeping them in a safe place where he won't find them again. I don't want to stop writing to you. He can't make me. You're really special to me, Len. Your letters brighten my day. Sorry if this makes you worry.
I love the color yellow. Like... Sunshine. It reminds me of happy feelings, and bright sunshiny days, and coming here to talk to you. What's your favorite color, Len?
Love, R.
Despite my initial annoyance by the blue-headed, overly friendly new guard, it becomes almost perfectly normal when he goes off on his rants after awhile. I find myself nodding occasionally to let him know I'm still listening. Even though what Kaito talks about makes no sense to me, it's a welcome change to the silence I once made my companion. I see him around more, as we pass each other by in the halls as he does his work. A regular security guard, but obviously the preferred one to be dealt with by the other inmates as well as myself. He's not very well liked by any of the other constantly-angry-looking men.
I've learned much more about Kaito than I probably needed to; his favorite color is blue, he loves collecting coins, food, and eating something called 'ice cream', which I suppose is a flavored ice treat. He's twenty one, and he often has funny stories to tell about his time spent with his purple pony-tail wearing friend outside the prison, named Gakupo.
His tales of the city beyond the fence are one of my preferred topics, but lately, he's been talking incessantly about a girl he's been meeting with.
"Ah, her name is Miku," He was telling me before with enthusiasm. "She's prettier than any other girl I've ever seen. She has the most lovely aqua-colored long hair, always pinned up in twintails, and her voice is so sweet sounding, it's like hearing angels. She works at the hospital as a nurse. I got a bad cut, and she was the one who patched me up. She took great care of me, and talked with me for hours, and I think I've fallen in love with her." Kaito had sighed, a dreamy look on his face.
I bet R's voice is prettier, I had thought. And gold-colored hair is much more beautiful than teal.
After that, I began to think more and more about R. I started noticing more about her; the sweet way she covered her mouth, laughing while reading my letters, the way her bright blue eyes would find mine, and she would smile the brightest smile I'd ever seen. Every time I caught her looking at me, the strangest thing would happen. My face would get hot, and my heart would start beating faster, and my chest would constrict and make it hard to breathe. What is this...?
Is this what Kaito feels for Miku? Is this what love is?
Unsure if that's really what it is, I eventually decide to ask Kaito about it.
Sitting down at my secluded table with my bowl of white slop and blueberries, Kaito is quick to join me, sliding into the seat in front of me and instantly bursting into his usual chatter, completely ignoring the irritated looks he gets from the other guards scattered around the large room.
"-I found out today that pears are actually really good. Especially on strawberry ice cream. Gakupo put raisins in his pistachio ice cream, topped with a slice of eggplant, and you should have seen his face when he bit into it. Even though he puts eggplants in everything, he's completely put off on eggplant ice cream now. And he hates raisins. Miku's favorite type is mint chocolate chip. Did I tell you she loves leeks? She really likes green food-" He goes on, barely breathing between sentences.
"...Hey, Kaito?" I wedge into his unending talk. I would just let him keep on, but today's a bit different.
He pauses, looking at me curiously. "Huh? Yes?"
"What is it like... to fall in love?" I ask slowly, averting my gaze slightly, a bit embarrassed.
Kaito stares at me. "Well, it's..." He starts off, looking thoughtful. "...It's like... Drowning. But in a good way!" He quickly adds after my reaction. "Like... it's hard to breathe when you're around her. You think about her a lot, and find more and more things you like about her, like how she talks or looks, or what she does. Your heart will start beating really fast, and you'll feel self-conscious. She'll make you smile like an idiot, and you'll be really happy every time she's nearby." He says, and I'm almost positive his mind is on Miku.
As he was talking, my own thoughts immediately fly to R, and heat crawls over my face as I realize most of what he said applies to her. "...Oh. I see." I say.
The bluenette suddenly leans in, and a smirk appears on his face. In a low whisper, he says, "Are you asking because of that girl you meet at the fence?"
Icy fear strikes me then, and I can only gape at him in shock as the soldier chuckles. "Don't worry, I won't say anything. We're friends, remember?" Kaito says, winking.
"B-But h-how-" I stutter out.
"I saw you out there, talking to her." He shrugs. "You're pretty unobvious, but I was looking for you, and just happened to catch a glimpse of you around the building. You should be more careful." He says in a chiding tone.
"If you saw us, then- then other guards-!" I stammer, worry laced in my voice.
"If another soldier had seen you, wouldn't you already be facing the price for it?" He asks. "You both are still undetected. As long as you keep to what you're doing and don't let your guard down, these guys won't know. They're all pretty stupid," He rolls his eyes. "They could care less about what you're up to, as long as it doesn't affect their pay." Kaito grimaces.
"Anyway, that still doesn't answer my question. Is it that girl-" Kaito presses on before I can say a word. "-who has you wondering about love?" There's a note of excitement.
"Well, k-kind of-" I say, my cheeks brightening. "I mean... um...-"
"You've fallen in love with her, I bet." Kaito says, nodding to himself with certainty. "She is cute."
"Y-You really won't say anything about her to anyone?" I ask in disbelief, ignoring his comment.
Kaito looks hurt. "C'mon. I said we're friends, right? Friends don't stab the other in the back," He states. "Of course I won't. Now-" Kaito says, his dark eyes glinting with amusement. "-tell me all about her!"
Dear R,
Kaito knows about you. I didn't tell him, he found out on his own. I don't want to upset you. He said he won't tell anyone because we're friends. Do you think I should trust him? I hope he's trustable. I think so, but... I can't be sure.
Are you okay? I saw you fall down. You looked hurt. You've also been coughing lately. Are you sick?
It's good to see you again. I finally decided; I like yellow, too. It's a really nice color. It reminds me of you, and your hair. Did I ever tell you that your hair is like sunshine, and your eyes are like the sky?
That didn't sound weird, did it?
Today, I'm kind of in a weird mood.
Love, Len.
Dear Len,
Well... I think you should trust Kaito. He's your friend. He's just like M; I would trust her with our secret, but I'm afraid somehow it would get to my father. Still, if he's been on your side all this time, I think you should have a little faith in him. I don't want us to have to be separated, though.
I'm fine, no reason to be worried over me. I just have a little cold, I'll be okay.
That was... unexpected. But I don't find it weird. It was a very nice compliment. It kind of made me blush...
I like your weird moods. Just another reason why I like you.
Love, R.
After the strange conversation with Kaito, he asked a lot of questions about her. He hasn't made a move to alert anyone about R's presence, or do anything to make me think he was about to betray me. Cautiously, I have allowed myself to put my trust into him.
It didn't take me long to figure out that I really am in love with R. Even in our situation, and the constant threat of being discovered, I somehow fell in love with the girl on the other side of the fence. I reread her letters at night, doing exactly what Kaito said; smiling like a total idiot. I want to tell her, but I don't know how. How can I confess how I feel across the gap between us?
More importantly... Does she love me? Could she? Would she even think about me that way? Has it ever crossed her mind?
A few weeks of procrastination, bad thoughts, crumpled letters and many assumptions later, I finally get up the nerve to tell her. Heart in my throat, I head out into the prison yard, the precious letter pouring all of my feelings out to her stashed into my ripped pants. It's been several months since I started talking to her. So much has happened within such a short time, but it's the happiest I've been in... my entire life. Between her, Kaito, and the sweet kids who are like young siblings to me, I haven't felt so alone anymore. Her smile is the highlight of my day, and her letters are my everything.
Trying to calm myself down, I sit down on the browning grass, anxiously twisting my hands in my lap and glancing up at the gray, overcast autumn sky.
When R comes out of the bushes, I scramble to my feet, a bit confused. She doesn't come to see me this early. R always waits until after the kids have come and gone. In fact, she's been arriving later than normal over the last while, and she hasn't been staying as long. Her letters have also been getting shorter. It's been a little worrying, but not enough for me to say anything. It could be for any reason.
As soon as she sees me, she waves, but something seems off. Where is her smile...?
She comes a bit closer to the fence this time, and I can clearly see the plain gray dress she wears, and the nice pink shawl she's had on every time since I told her it looked nice, even if it was much too warm. Her hat is slightly tilted on her head, revealing more of her short locks. I can also see her beautiful blue gaze staying on me. The look on her delicate features is indecipherable.
I wave back, pushing away my thoughts for a moment and gaining courage, and with a deep breath, reach into my pocket for the plane, my face tomato red. I can only hope she can't tell.
Before I pull it out, a different plane flies to my feet. I stop, before throwing a look at R. She's looking down, and I can't see her expression.
A wave of sudden dread fills me, but I kneel down and take the plane in my hands, hesitating just like I did with her first letter before unfolding this one.
Dear Len.
I'm sorry.
I can't come see you anymore. I'm going very far away, and I won't be able to come visit. I don't know if I'll ever see you again.
You've made me very happy.
Please don't be sad.
Thank you for everything.
This is goodbye.
Love, R.
I stare at the word 'goodbye' for what seems like forever, too stunned and confused to react. Just like that, my entire world has shattered into thousands of dark shards.
My head snaps up to gaze at her, to find out if this is real, that I'm not having a nightmare. This can't be happening. She can't go. I don't want her to go. Why? Why?!
R has turned away, and she begins walking away from me. Alarms go off in my head, and panic sets in. No... No!
NO!
I drop the letter, and, throwing caution into the wind, I run up to the fence, gripping onto the barbed wire, not caring that the metal is biting into my hands. With urgency, I yell out to her. "I'll wait!"
R stops, and I know my voice has reached her. Pressing on, not taking my gaze from her, I continue in a strong voice, "I'll wait here for you, forever! I'll always hold your letters close! I'll never forget them, or you! Until the day when we can meet again, I'll treasure your letters, and I'll wait for you! We'll meet again, I promise!"
Time is frozen. R stands there, and I hope, I pray that she turns, that she looks at me. I want to see her face, I want to hear her voice, I want to be with her, hold her hand, sing to her, tell her stories, be near her.
A single moment in time, a single hope.
Shattered as soon as she disappears into the brush, never looking back.
Once R has passed from sight, my hands come loose from my deathgrip on the wire, and I slide down the fence. My strong facade crumbles in a second, my hands dig into the dirt, and hot tears spill down my cheeks as I weep openly. I've never cried so much.
R is gone.
Gone from me.
Pain rips open my heart, agony washing over me. I've never experienced anything so horrible. It's as if my heart has been crushed by her words. My vision is hazy, blinded by sadness. If someone chose to stab me in the chest, it would hurt less than this. This yawning ache is by far worse than any physical torture. Forget Kaito, forget the kids; it was her, always her, who mattered the most to me. Her smiles were everything, her words made the darkness seem bearable; the dark faded in the presence of her light.
Now, it's gone.
She is gone.
Forever...?
'This is goodbye.'
The unfolded airplane lays in front of me, fully displaying the short message. I can only focus my gaze on it, not really seeing it, only seeing her distant expression in my mind's eye, the sad air about her that I ignored, her cerulean blue eyes that would always show optimism before, but today held only an emotion I couldn't understand.
"Is this... My fault?" I say aloud to no one. Why...? After everything, all this time? I never thought it would end this way. I never wanted it to end at all. Was it something I did? Did she grow tired of me? Why does she have to leave? Is it because of her father? Questions swirl around endlessly in my head, but no answers come to light.
I...I hope that... you're happy, wherever you go.
R...
I still... don't know your name.
I miss you so much already.
"...Len? Why are you crying?"
The small voice breaks into my thoughts. I glance up to see Meiko, Luka, Mikuo, and Piko standing there. Each child is looking at me like they've seen a ghost. I vaguely realize then that I must look like a wreck. Tear stains run down my face, my eyes are puffy from crying, and my hands are dirty and sting from clutching onto the sharp barbs.
Forcing myself to stand, I absently pick up R's letter from the ground and put it into my pocket. As I do, I feel the plane I was going to give her today.
Removing my hand as if burnt by it and what it holds, I look at the kids. "...It's fine. I'm okay." I reassure them in a hoarse voice. "It's nothing." It's everything.
"Len... you never cry..." Meiko says, a tiny frown on her face. "Are you okay?"
"Really, it's nothing. I'm just a little hurt." I say, shaking my head. I catch Piko's multi-colored gaze then. For once, he's staring at me intently, as if he knows what happened.
"Anyway, forget about it." I wipe my face off on my sleeve. I try to put on a smile for them, but it comes out brittle.
"Are you really, really hurt? Or can you tell us a story still?" Luka asks quietly. "You don't have to..."
"No, it's okay... I have a story to tell you." I say. I know they're trying to be nice. Even though they have no idea why I'm upset, these kids have been around me so long they picked up easily on my emotions.
Mikuo nods. "Okay then... what is it?' He asks after a moment of silence.
"It's..." I clear my throat, then look at them all each in turn for a moment.
Breathing deeply, I begin my tale. "'Far away, in a sorrowful place, there lived a lonely prisoner in a jail of darkness. The prisoner fell in love with a girl through the prison barrier, and she would brighten up his every day...'"
I try not to color my story with my own raw feelings, but when I end the story with our separation, I can't help the dark tone I use. "...'And he only hoped that wherever she was, she'd never forget him, and that she'd always be happy." I conclude.
Pure silence.
The kids are looking at me as if I've sprouted two heads.
"...The boy doesn't get a happy ending...?" Meiko asks, her brown eyes thoughtful.
"No." I say, sharper than I intended. "He doesn't. Prisoners don't get happy endings."
They draw back faster than if I had slapped them. "Huh? But..." Luka says, starting to tear up. "You said one day we'd get out and... we'd go someplace happier, and..."
"That's a stupid ending!" Mikuo declares, glaring at me. "The prisoner needs a good ending! He needs to make his own ending! If he really liked her, then he wouldn't just let her go! He'd try to get out, and find her!"
"Yes... Len, you need to make him have a better ending! It can't end like this!" Luka says, agreeing with Mikuo.
"Yeah! Think of a better story! Make him go find her! Make him beat up the guards! You gotta, Len, you gotta!" Meiko presses.
Slightly overwhelmed by their unhappy responses, I start to respond just as the soldiers call attendance. The trio of upset listeners turn and walk away, but Piko stays behind a moment. His green-and-blue eyes look sad.
"...You're right. Prisoners don't get happy endings." He says quietly in a voice softer than the rustling of leaves. "They lose everybody they love, then die. Right, Len?" He asks me, his gaze meeting my startled one, before he, too, walks away from me.
After a second, I follow, casting a glance back where R had once stood, and feeling cold air swirl around my heart. A droplet of rain falls from above, and I glance up as a downpour breaks out overhead.
I allow it to mask my tears.
Dear R.
I've been thinking a lot lately. I have something to tell you.
You make me really happy. Happier than I've ever been.
Talking to you everyday... You brighten my day. Actually, you brighten my life.
Every letter I receive from you I cherish.
R... I, um... I want to word this right, but I'm not sure if I can. I've written several other letters, but none of them seemed to sound the way I wanted. So... I hope this doesn't seem stupid...
You make me feel lighter than air even when I feel buried.
I blush and smile every time I read your airplanes.
Even when I'm hurt, you make me forget the pain.
You are the one person who matters the most to me.
I love you, R.
I hope that we can always be together.
I don't know if you feel the same way, but I just wanted you to know how I feel.
Love, Len.
The next day is just as dreary as the day before.
The night before, I had lain awake for hours, reading and rereading each letter she had given to me in the slim yellow light peeking into my cell. Only when I was completely exhausted did I fall into a fitful sleep.
"Wakey wakey, sewer rat." I am forcefully woken by a guard with a criss-crossing scar on his lip. "Time to get to work."
Rising mechanically, I wait a split-second before grasping R's last letter to me and putting it in my pocket, exiting my cell and heading to the cafeteria.
As per usual, I head to my table, not even bothering to get anything to eat. I don't think I could eat even if I tried. I blankly gaze at the tabletop instead, remembering.
Kaito appears, sliding himself into the seat in front of me, his usual cheeriness displayed on his youthful face. "Hey Len! How's it going? I'm doing great! I took Miku out to dinner last night, and she eats so delicately. I swear she's as dainty as a porcelain doll! Anyway, how's R? What did you two talk about yesterday? Did you tell her how you feel? I bet she didn't turn you down, eh? Or have you not gotten around to it yet? Waiting too long can be a bad move on your part, you know-"
"Shut up!" I yell, standing up from my seat, hands slapping onto the tabletop. "JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!"
Kaito freezes, his mouth partially open mid-sentence. "...Len...?" He starts, beginning to look concerned. "What happened...?"
I realize then that most of the cafeteria is staring at us, including the guards. "...Never mind. I'm not hungry. I'm going." I say shortly, face burning with embarrassment and anger.
"Len, wait-" Kaito reaches out to me, but I dodge his hand and almost run from the room, refusing to look back at his hurt face.
I throw myself into my chores, hoping the menial work will take my mind off her. Unfortunately, it does little but make me feel more sore than usual.
I'm walking to my next job, escorted by an expressionless soldier, when I accidentally bump into someone. I step back into the other guard, who shoves me out of his way but grabs onto my arm.
The officer I walked into glares down at me. I vaguely notice he's not just any soldier; he's higher up than the others. He wears thin, wire rimmed glasses and has prim blonde hair pinned under his cap. His eyes are cold, looking at me with that familiar disgusted look. His suit is brown, and I can see 'Kagamine' sewn into his right breast pocket.
"What is the meaning of this?" He says, casting a glance at my captor.
"Sorry, sir. The clumsy oaf just wandered right into you, sir."
"I see." His gaze turns down, and narrows. "And what is that?"
I follow his line of sight, and stare in horror at the paper plane laying sideways on the ground. I lunge for it, but the soldier yanks me back, taking hold of both my arms as I fight him.
"No!" I say, as the authority leans down and plucks the paper plane from the ground. "Leave that alone! Give it back to me!"
Ignoring me, he opens it up and scans it. His eyebrows furrow. "A letter? Contacting someone outside?"
"You rat!" My captor tightens his grip on my arms as I struggle. "Thought we'd never catch on, eh? You're gonna get a good lashin' for this!"
The man holding my letter begins to chuckle. "It seems as if your little friend has left you." He repositions the letter in his hands so that he's holding both top corners, and I panic as I understand his intent. "Can this letter really mean so much to you now?"
"Yes! Please, stop!" I plead, anger manifesting. "Give her letter back! Don't touch it!" I pull forward, trying to grab the letter, but I am pushed down onto the ground, a knee stuck into my back to keep me down. Hands are on my shoulders, forcing me into the floor.
"A girl...?" The threat to my letter says, glancing at the paper in his hands. His mouth sets into a grim, unforgiving line.
Another soldier walks over, peering at the paper. "Heh. Dumb kid. I think a fitting punishment would be a good whipping... And while we're at it, let's get rid of all these stupid 'letters'."
"What? No! No!" As he chuckles, a sinking feeling settles in my stomach.
Riiiiip.
I completely stop moving as pieces of her letter float down to the ground in front of me. I hear laughter. The words on the paper start to blur with angry tears.
'Dear Len.'
Something important snaps inside me, my vision turns red, and I lose it.
With a roar, I jerk backwards, taking the soldier off guard and loosening his grip on me. I break free, jumping up from the ground and running at the man who tore the letter.
Her letter.
"You bastard!" I scream, pulling my fist back and slamming it into the side of his face before he or anyone else has time to stop me. He stumbles back, hitting the ground. I jump onto him, my hand clutching into the cloth of his uniform, aiming another punch, a wild look in my eyes. Someone seizes my fist, and then my shoulder, yanking me off the wounded man. "Let go!" I fight against the two soldiers holding on to me. I want him to pay!
A sharp elbow is jammed into my spine, and I let out a hiss of pain, momentarily pausing in my struggle because of the instant throbbing ache. "Shut up, mongrel!" One of them commands.
Rising from the ground and rejecting the help of the other man beside him, the guard stands up, an ugly red mark on his cheek. The look he gives me is poisonous.
"Sir? Are you alright?" The man standing next to him asks.
The man in brown glares icily at me from under his cap. I return the look, the anger burning in my gaze. Visibly gritting his teeth, he turns away, as if he can't bear the sight of me any longer.
"He has made contact with someone outside the fence, and has assaulted a high ranking officer. He has earned much more than a simple whipping." He pulls his hat down over his face. "Take him to the gas chamber. Death is the only penalty worthy of the offenses he has committed. And I want the exercise yard watchmen removed from their positions, and more competent replacements brought in. Have a patrol scan the perimeter of the fence every hour starting now. I will hear nothing more about any inmates meeting with others outside the fence." With that ending statement, he strides away, never looking back.
"You ain't goin' to go attackin' anyone else," The soldier behind me says, bringing me to my feet. As he holds me in place, a different guard comes over and tugs my hands forward, clasping my wrists in heavy metal handcuffs.
A rough shove, and I'm propelled forward, starting down the hall to the sound of heavy footsteps and jingling chains.
My mind races with thoughts. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to find out exactly how and why other prisoners disappeared and never returned. I am going to die.
I stare lifelessly in front of me as fear begins to pool in my chest. I'm going to die. I'm going to die, but... I don't want to. I don't want to die!
We turn down a hall, and walk a few more moments until we reach a thick metal door. One of the guards opens it, and my blank gaze turns horrified. Blood has stained the inside of the small room.
I'm thrust inside the room, stumbling and landing on my chained hands. I turn my head quickly towards the door. "W-Wait! Please, don't lock me in here!" I cry out, terror building in every fiber of my being. This isn't the way I want to die!
"Don't worry, kid. It only hurts a few minutes." With a deep laugh from each man, the door is swung closed, shutting with a clang of finality. I am enclosed in darkness.
"No... No! Let me out! You can't do this!" I force myself to get up, then run to the door, beating on it with both hands. "Let me out! I don't want to die!"
A hissing sound enters the room, and a sickly smell wafts through the air. It burns my throat, and I cough, clutching my throat as I feel stinging pains. I back away from the door, dropping to my knees. Tears begin to well as I realize I'm about to suffocate in this tiny room, where no one will hear my screams.
Memories reappear in my mind like flashes of light; Singing to the kids, eating lunch with Kaito, R's smile. The happiness that entered my heart with each of her letters. Enjoying listening to Kaito's never-ending talk even if I pretended it annoyed me. The joy on Meiko, Luka, Mikuo, and even Piko's face when I told them stories.
I never got to know what your name is.
Her face comes to mind. Her beautiful golden hair that would be blown by the wind, the gentle gaze of her sapphire eyes, the kind smile she always gave me. Everything I fell for about her, I remember with agonizing clarity.
My throat hurts so much, and my gaze is beginning to turn blurry. My breathing is ragged and slow, and my chest is constricting as the poisonous air enters my lungs. Still, I yell, screaming with everything inside me, pushing through the pain even when the hissing doesn't stop.
R, I want to see you again.
I want to get out and find you. I want to meet you, and hug you, and hear what your voice sounds like. I want to feel the softness of your hair, and see your blushing smile up close.
I want to talk with Kaito again, tell him I'm sorry for snapping at him. I want to see the children again, to take back what I said.
I want to see you, R.
I want to see you so badly!
I don't want to die!
I wish we could go back to the way things were, to the beautiful summer where I could see you every day.
Please, let me see her... one last time...!
A creaking noise makes my weakened head look up. What... is that...?
Bright, pure white light sudden flows through the room, and I squint, confusion barely registering in my hazy thoughts.
"Len!" Someone calls out to me frantically.
Author's Note: Annnnd cliffhanger! Here it is! First chapter! It isn't a one-shot anymore, clearly. Sorry, but I hope you all enjoy the first chapter of The Fate of a Prisoner, and please let me know what you think of it! I loved writing it, so hopefully you'll see an update sooner rather than later! Who do you think it is calling to Len? Is he dying? Find out next chapter!
Updates may be a bit in the future, because a lot of stuff's going on here right now, but I'll do my best to work on it! This project means a lot to me, and I hope you all enjoy it!
And just so you know, I love each and everyone one of you who read this. Thanks so much, all of you lovely readers, for being awesome.
Please please please, leave me a review telling me what you think! Or PM me, that's cool too.
Thanks for reading!
Disclaimer: I do not own Prisoner, Paper Plane, Vocaloid, or Len and Rin Kagamine. (yet). I just love to use them!