EM: My first Walking Dead fic, through Carol, from her beginning. Enjoy. Follow-up to this one, is posted. Titled: My Angel in the Dark.
Disclaimer: The Walking Dead belongs to Robert Kirkman and AMC. Seriously guys, I don't own it! Following that, I will gain absolutely NOTHING (and never aimed to) from this. Secondly, the songs aren't mine. There was never meant to be any infringement. Dust in the Wind by Kansas. Ain't no Sunshine by Bill Withers. Scarborough Fair, the English ballad. Bible verses Psalm 86:15, Daniel 9:18-19.
There's a little piece of poetry in here, that's sung by one of my OC's – that is my work. It's nothing fancy. But it's purely mine.
Rated: M for Violence, Domestic Abuse, Mentions of Rape, and Suicidal-Angst. This is your warning right here, folks. I go to dark places. Places I, personally, have never gone to before. Walk with me into a world of pain or ignore the hope that blossoms from it.
Summary: The world was ending. That was how it looked. People were walking around, people who were already dead, and eating each other. So the world was ending. But Carol's world had been at the edge for a long time. And this was merely the final push into the abyss.
The Edge of the World
I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moments gone, all my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity
"Run, Deena!"
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind
"Deena, get up!"
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea
"Deena!" Deena was rocking in the grass, blood smeared across her right cheek, her sunflower dress indistinguishable against the harsh crimson. Her voice, soulful and haunting, rang out across the street.
All we do, crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see
Carol was rooted to the spot, watching. Sophia tugged at her arm hastily, her slim fingers shaking. But Deena's voice kept echoing in her ears. She knew Sophia was crying by her side, saying something, trying to pull them away from the horror. But Carol couldn't look away.
Dust in the wind.
The horror – Deena rocking the still form of her little boy; bloody, broken in her arms.
"All we are is dust in the wind."
"Bring me another beer." Why don't you get off your-
Carol gripped the edge of the sink hard, letting the half-washed dish fall back into the dirty water and stopped herself. Pulled in a deep breath and settled her thoughts, letting the Lord guide her back.
"But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness," she said softly, her voice carrying no further than the soap foaming up near her hands.
Sophia was at the table, humming softly to herself, playing with the doll that their neighbor had made for her.
Ed didn't know that though.
"Don't make me ask again, woman!" Sophia's humming stopped as she looked up at her mother hesitantly. Fear gripped her already pale face and twisted it.
Carol dried her hands swiftly and opened the fridge. And there stood a single beer in the center of the rack, surrounded by the milk and the chicken.
She smiled.
Riffton.
He was such a sweet boy. His auburn-brown waves, cascading around his face. His hazel eyes, likely his father's for his mothers were green, which were always searching for something. He had a blind passion for knowledge, so inquisitive about the world around him. He was two years younger than Sophia's own eleven years but he was always looking to play with her, always seeking her companionship. When he could get Sophia to laugh, and boy could he ever, his face would light up like the flash of a bulb in the dark.
And oh, did Riff have a voice. Just like his sweet mother. Carol had never heard such a voice as his mother. Deena sang as if she had the voice of an angel.
"Your voice," Carol trailed off one day, after listening to one of her sweet tunes. They had been sitting in the backyard, Sophia and Riff between them respectively. The sun was shining down on them, warming their faces. Carol could tell it had been a rough week for Deena. She had sung just a little thing, made up on the spot, just for Riff and Sophia she sensed. But it had been sweet and promising, filling Carol with the hope of tomorrow.
"It's so beautiful." Deena smiled softly, braiding a swatch of Sophia's hair behind her ear. Sophia giggled as Riff threw a pile of grass blades over her head. Carol couldn't help the smile that spread across her own face. Sophia smiling was rare these days.
Ed was having a run of bad days as well. And so Carol had to take out some of her fall clothes a few months early.
"My mother," Deena said, so quietly that Carol had to lean in a little to hear, "she sang to me, when I was a little girl." Deena's face fell, her eyes shadowed. Her hands fell from Sophia's hair and into her lap, where she fiddled with the hem of her shirt. She didn't speak any further on her mother.
Deena hardly talked about her mother, just as Carol never talked about her father. But they both had that in common. What they did have, was Sophia and Riff. And it seemed to Carol that that was more than enough.
"That's the last one." Ed pulled the beer from her hand roughly, and popped the top off, took a drag. He scowled in her direction.
"Why didn't you tell me yesterday when I was already out?" He stood, shifted on his feet a little unsteadily. Carol took a small step backwards. He didn't notice.
He finished the beer in one go and tossed the bottle off to the side. Carol cringed as the spittle at the bottom ran out and onto the cream-colored carpet at her feet. She was going to have to scrub that spot clean so Ed wouldn't be mad at her for that too.
"Why didn't you tell me?" And he backhanded her, so quick she didn't have the chance to process the swing of his hand. She fell backwards, and slammed into the wall, her head banging hard against it. A flash erupted before her eyes, followed by an immediate headache. Her skull pounded, and she was seeing two hazy Ed's standing above her. She felt the empty beer graze against her fingers.
Ed crouched down in front of her, and grasped her shirt collar.
"Next time," he whispered threateningly, his hot beer breath rushing across her face, "you tell me when I'm out woman." Carol grew still, the neck of the bottle suddenly gripped tight in her hand. He grabbed her jaw tight, squeezing.
Fear shot through her; fear and adrenaline. It went straight to her head, and she grew light-headed. The feeling of powerlessness, the feeling that she had no control of what would happen next; she hated that. Hated that she let it control who she was.
"You got that?" His eyes drooped, and she stopped breathing. She never knew what Ed was going to do next. When he drank, it was like tossing the dice and hoping you rolled any of the same two numbers. Chance was never on her side. And Carol hated gambling. Just when her chest started to ache he pushed her forcefully to the side and stumbled out the door.
She inhaled deep and then let it go, the bottle cradled tightly to her chest. She didn't know when she had pulled it close and she didn't like to think of what she would have done with it. Her jaw ached something fierce, and the pounding in her head was relentless. And she just lay there, as Ed's truck roared to life and he left to get more beer.
"Sophia?"
She waited to hear her daughter's voice. She sat up, closed her eyes against her headache. She heard Sophia's footfalls at the kitchen doorway.
"Mom?" Carol stood up, the bottle hanging at her side. She opened her eyes, and Sophia was looking at her with fear in her eyes, the doll clutched tight against her chest.
"You want to go see Riff and Deena?"
And Sophia smiled, the fear falling away.
It was one of those things. Carol didn't know what they were, how they got here or what in God's name she was going to do.
All she knew was that it was going for Deena. All she knew was that one of them had gotten Riffton. Deena's sweet little boy.
And now he was dead.
They had grabbed him by the arms, and the head, and then they just bit into him.
Like he was a piece of meat.
Oftentimes, when Carol sat with Deena, she thought of the early days with Ed. When she had thought she loved him. When that deception of love had disguised the truth. That Ed was less than a man.
Eddard Peletier was a man that would never have looked twice at someone like Carol. Of course, she only knew that now, after twenty-four years of marriage.
When she first met Ed, she had been a senior in high school. She should have known that he was trouble from the start, from his record of girlfriends. Young, blonde women that always came, and went however Ed wanted them too. Carol had never been that way. Had always been the quiet, church going girl that her mother had raised her to be. But Carol had never had a man pay any attention to her. Treat her like she was the girl to have. Like she was worth something.
Her daddy had made sure of that.
So when Ed started to look at her, talk to her, walk her home, offer to carry her books to her locker and back to class, she couldn't help but feel warm inside. When he smiled at her, she smiled back. When the back of his hand grazed hers, she would blush fiercely. It was as if the whole world had tilted on its axis and she was going to fall over. He made her feel like she was worth the attention.
And when he finally kissed her that was it. She had never felt so wanted in her whole life.
And despite the warnings going off in her head, and the faint smell of booze on his breath, and the anxious feeling his hands gave her when they ran over her hips, she gave in. Let him slide her shirt up and over her head. Let him hover over her possessively, threateningly.
She let him have what he wanted.
And that was the end of it all.
"Are you all right, Carol?" Deena reached out to touch the back of her hand, softly. Carol didn't respond. The sun shone off Sophia's dark blonde waves.
She became pregnant. And Ed proposed. Her mother took it in stride, gave Carol her wedding dress. Held her as if she were already lost. She blocked out her father's response. The look in his eyes when she told him that she was pregnant, that she was going to marry Eddard Peletier, struck fear so deep in her that she isn't sure to this day she's been able to shake it. She had cowered then, backed away from his hulking form. There's blackness after that, which she's unsure of what is really there.
And so they married. She spent nine months in a hazy, dream-like bliss, ignoring the little things that warned of the impending danger. She was sure, now, that it was all a smoke screen.
And then she gave birth to Jasper David Peletier. A beautiful little boy, whose blue-grey eyes were just like her own, his hair like white silk on his head. She loved him, more than life itself. But Jasper would never know.
He died after his third breath.
And Carol's heart was broken.
Deena pulled Riff closer to her body, her voice clashing with the moans of the things that were beginning to surround her.
"Mom, we have to go!" Sophia tugged harder against her arm. Carol fought against her own fear, and finally reached out to grab Sophia's hand. She looked into her little girl's face. She was pale and trembling, a blonde rag doll held tightly against her chest.
"We have to find daddy," she said. Carol's heart constricted. Ed had gone on a beer run, again. Her left arm ached against the early memory of their argument. Sophia had been in her room upstairs, and had not been within earshot.
"Your father, he's…" Carol trailed off, as one of the dead things rounded the house across the street. It appeared to have seen them and started to hobble in their direction.
"I'm what?" Carol froze at the growl of Ed's voice behind her. Sophia slipped from her grasp and ran to him.
"Daddy! Those things! They – they hurt Riff and –" Ed grabbed Sophia's arm harshly, and she gasped. Carol raced forward and gripped his arm tight, trying to pull him away.
"Shut up, girl!" Sophia's eyes filled with tears and he pushed her away. He turned on Carol next. "And you." She didn't let go of his arm. If there was anything she had ever done right in her life, it was keeping him away from her baby girl.
"What the hell do you think you're doing out here? Just waiting for these damn things to eat ya?" His eyes flashed angrily, and she watched his hands closely. He held one of his hunting knives, loosely.
"You were gone. We were going to look for you." It was a small lie. She had considered going to look for Ed. Because she knew that there was no possible way she could keep Sophia alive, alone. But that didn't mean she still hadn't considered leaving without him.
Ed had always been able to tell when she lied.
"Mom, mom," Sophia said, tugging Carol's sleeve, "watch Riff's hands." And Carol did. She could see Deena smiling out of the corner of her eye. It was late in the evening and the sun was just starting to set. The sun was low enough in the sky that the orange hues along the horizon were bringing dark blues and blacks with them. Riff had his hands cupped against his chest and he stood up, his frame directly highlighted by that setting sun. His voice broke out around them.
The songbirds call you / In the night / The darkness bids you well
Even though I know / I know you're here / Our love can't hold you near
The darkness takes you / Your hand slips / The song takes you higher
And then he threw his hands into the air, splaying them wide and the air suddenly sparkled as something fell about him. Carol watched as Sophia's body leaned forward unconsciously, towards Riff. Her eyes never wavered from his still form, her hand gripping Carol's arm tighter.
And I lose you / Lose you to / A world that I can't find
The darkness taunts me / How do I follow / When I don't know the way
I hear your voice / And I need you / Where are you?
His voice grew softer, the tone shifting. Carol felt her heart start to ache. And this time, she was the one who couldn't look away from Riff.
I can't find you but / I hear it now / The song that called you away
The songbird's song / It calls to me / Tells me that you are safe
You are finally safe / I'll stop looking / Safe in the sky
Carol's eyes burned and when she turned to Deena, her face was turned up to the sky, eyes closed.
Now when I see you / Shining bright / I think of stars shooting by
And if by chance / You pass me now / I'll hold my hand out high
And hope you take me / Far with you / Where dreams can never end
When he stopped singing, Carol started breathing again. She felt Sophia release her arm. The glitter had long since landed at his feet. But Riff's frame, outlined by that setting sun, still held the image of that glitter, sparkling around him and the song still echoed in her ears.
She had never met a child so pure, so moved by the world around him. Her heart felt heavy with the weight of her lost souls.
"Riff, that was beautiful," Sophia remarked, her voice soft and dream-like. Riff never turned away from that setting sun. But he did take his mother's hand when she reached up for it.
And they stayed like that, until the stars came out, falling across the sky.
Carol's heart was dead inside of her. She had loved Jasper from the moment she knew he was but a small thing inside of her. But Ed?
Ed had finally shown his true colors.
It didn't matter that her first son had died before he could even open his eyes to look upon her. He didn't even wait a day after Carol was out of the hospital before he was trying to make another child happen.
"Get in here." It wasn't a porch. But she liked to imagine it was. She sat in the rocking chair she had found at a garage sale down the street. Ed had beaten her for buying it. She found it worth it in that moment.
Rocking there, on the half-patio behind her modest double pen, she couldn't feel anything. It was October, so a chill was coming in. But it didn't matter. Her sweet, little boy was dead. Nothing mattered anymore.
She heard the screen door snap open and fall shut. "I thought I told you to get inside."
He rarely called her by name these days. She wondered when she had noticed that.
"I'd like to stay outside for a bit longer." A mistake. But she was lost in the pain of Jasper's death that she either didn't care or it didn't matter. She wasn't sure which one.
He slapped her across the face, splitting her lip. The pain was mesmerizing.
"Get inside, now." The fury in his eyes was enough for her to move. She didn't want to put her body through that. Not when all she had to do was comply with what Ed wanted.
If she would have known at the time that Ed was going to force her to have sex, to rape her, she would have taken the beating. She would have chosen death over his body claiming hers, filling her with the disgusting person that he was.
She would have chosen to go to her little boy.
When she first met Deena, she had spotted her through the kitchen window while she was attempting to wash the dishes. Her mind kept wandering and when she had looked up, through the yellow shade, she saw her. Deena. She was a small thing, with long auburn-brown hair. She was wearing the thinnest dress, white, for a late fall day. She could see the lines of her body against that dress. Fragile and weak. Like a bird.
As the wind blew across her, kicking her dress up around her legs, she stood there, still as stone, gazing up at the sky. Her legs were pale and almost translucent, like the alabaster vase her mother once used to hold the tulips she bought every Saturday.
She looked to be only sixteen, too young to be out in the chill breeze with nothing but a slim dress on. If that were Sophia, she would hate to see her like that.
And so she couldn't help it. Ed was working, and the dishes didn't matter. Sophia was playing quietly in the living room. She found her way out the front door, her hands still wet and soapy.
And then a voice came forth, softly, slowly.
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
Only darkness every day.
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
And this house just ain't no home
Anytime he goes away.
Carol didn't know the song, and it sounded as if the girl had altered the tune to fit her voice. It was slow, and sad, and something about it hit Carol at the very center of her being. Tears slipped down her cheeks.
Today was Jasper's birthday.
He studied her face closely, and she knew they didn't have much time. The things around them were starting to take notice of their presence.
"You think I'm gonna believe that? You think I'm stupid?" He drew closer, until they were nose to nose. "Don't lie to me, bitch," he whispered to her face.
Carol could see Sophia's face beyond him, watching, waiting in fearful anticipation. She could tell that Sophia hadn't heard what Ed had said. And she wanted to keep it that way.
"No, you're not," she whispered hurriedly, her eyes landing on Deena again. "But Ed we need-" She couldn't breathe.
She couldn't believe what her eyes were seeing. It wasn't possible.
Riff began to stir within Deena's arms.
Her second child, a girl, didn't make it past the second trimester. She lost Clementine exactly eight months, and fifteen days after Jasper's death.
Ed waited a week this time before he forced her again. But he'd had no choice. She had to spend a week in the hospital because she had to recover from the C-section. It took longer than average.
She suspected her soul was carrying the weight of her lost babies and it was too hurt to get better.
"Do you mind if I ask you something personal?" Deena had come to sit on the porch with her today. Riff and Sophia were at school so they had time to themselves.
"I guess that would depend on the material of the question." She was stuffing a doll. It was a simple thing, without any detailed features like hands or feet. Just round arms and legs, and a head full of yellow hair. The eyes were blue buttons, both different and she had no mouth. There was a piece of light blue cloth resting on Deena's leg that was to serve as the dress.
Carol suspected she was making it for Sophia. She hadn't said as such though.
"Go ahead though. I won't know if I want to answer or not unless you ask it." Deena smiled softly, in that way Carol was beginning to recognize that made her sad.
Carol tried to find the best way to word her question, but knew there was no way around it.
"Where's Riff's daddy?" Deena's hands stopped moving momentarily and her eyes shifted downward. She heard Deena breathe deep.
"You don't want to know." Deena resumed her work on the doll, her eyes still shaded. Carol felt fairly certain in that moment that his father had something to do with his mother.
And for Deena, talking about either was far too painful.
Carol could understand that.
Ed tried again. And again, and again, and again. Carol wasn't sure what Ed wanted a child for. He didn't seem to care for her, no matter what he may have shown before they had gotten married.
But it didn't matter.
It would be eleven years before her next child would come.
Eleven years of loneliness, heartache and suffering from Ed.
By then, Ed had given up forcing her into sex and had simply started to beat his frustrations out on her. Carol had no friends, her family had given up on seeing her and she was forced to a life inside their house. She had nothing.
And then, she came.
Sophia.
And she was everything that Carol had wanted, needed.
She became Carol's entire reason for existing.
"My mother," Deena began one day, when Riff and Sophia were laying in the grass together, side by side, watching the clouds go by. Carol knew that her mother was a topic never broached, just as Carol never talked about her father.
"My mother," she tried it again, her words seeming to fail her. Deena looked to be struggling with something inside, her face twisting as if in pain. Carol looked down at her hands, the bruises from her wrists reaching across the back of her hand. She couldn't hide it, unless she wore gloves. And she was tired of hiding behind things, especially around Deena. She suspected that Deena's glancing looks were towards those bruises.
Carol was just glad that she had respectfully kept her opinions to herself.
"She used to treat me like I was…" Deena stopped and Carol saw her rubbing at a spot on her left elbow.
She looked up into Carol's face and her eyes were brimming with tears. "Like I was worth nothing." Carol's heart stopped and she couldn't breathe. In that moment, she wanted to gather Deena up in her arms and press her to her chest.
"She used to…" She couldn't finish as the tears spilled over. Carol reached out, without hesitation, and took Deena's hand.
The bruise, ugly and purple against her pale skin stared out at them both. Deena squeezed her hand back, her thumb running over the bruise gently.
"She used to say things that no human should have the right to say. That no mother should ever have the heart to say to their child."
Deena huddled in the corner of her bedroom-closet, her nest of blankets pushed up against the wall. She turned off the light, in the hopes that, if she stayed there, in the dark, her mother wouldn't come looking for her.
But her mother was pacing the floor of their one bedroom apartment. And she could tell, by those quick, steps, that her mom was angry again. Angry, with the fever of the white powder.
And then her footfalls stopped, and a shadow fell across the light under her door. Deena pulled her knees to her chest, her breath coming faster and faster now. She closed her eyes and started to sing softly.
"Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme." Deena couldn't help but sing the song that her mother once loved to voice, when she was younger, when things didn't use to be this bad. "Remember me to one who lives there, for once he was a true love of mine."
Deena jerked when her mother started banging on the closet door suddenly.
"Shut up in there you little slut." Deena pulled the blankets to her chest and curled up on the floor with them. She didn't want to cry anymore, but sometimes, she couldn't stop the tears.
"Tell him to make me a cambric shirt: parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme." She started banging on the door again, louder this time. "Don't make me open this door."
But Deena didn't want to stop, couldn't stop. She clutched the blankets, tighter, and let the song pour out of her.
"Without no seams nor needle work, then he'll be a true love of mine." The door slammed open, the harsh yellow light searing her vision. Deena threw up her hands to shield her eyes, to defend herself, as her mother grasped her around the wrist and dragged her out of the closet.
"You stupid, ungrateful little bitch. What the fuck did I tell you?" Her mother stopped midway, unable to pull any further. She was panting, sweating, but she still managed to reach over and slap Deena across the face.
"I should have left you in that shithole john where I had you. Save myself all this fucking trouble."
Thin, damp brown strands of hair fell across Deena's forehead as her mother leaned over her. Her eyes, unfocused and bloodshot, danced in their sockets. Even at the age of nine, she knew her mother was ill.
The front door opened and a man walked in, her mother's newest friend. He observed them carefully. "Shit Fiona, what the fuck is this?" He asked, his eyes taking Deena in with reproach. Her mother, Fiona, turned to the man so quickly she almost tripped across the floor trying to get to him.
"Will, Christ, tell me you have it." She reached for his shirt, clutched at it frantically and wiggled in Will's arms, up against his body. Deena hated seeing her mother act like that whenever someone new came around.
"Get off me Fee. Who the fucks the kid?" Her mother turned and scowled at her.
"Nobody, Will. Just tell me you have it." Will studied her closely and then his eyes widened.
"Shit Fee, she's your goddamned brat, isn't she." Fiona backed away from Will. Her mother turned to her, and the anger Deena saw in her eyes killed everything inside of her.
"She's a fucking crack kid, Will. Some little shit I found on the street." Deena felt her eyes burn. Fiona streaked toward her like a demon out of hell, and struck her so hard on the head, Deena saw black for several minutes.
Deena heard Will grunt. "Dammit Fee, don't kill the little brat." Deena heard her mother talking again, softly this time, to Will.
"Please Will, I need it." Her mother's voice was so soft and so gentle. Deena hadn't heard it that way in a very long time. She heard the heavy footfalls of the man approach her as her vision started to clear again.
"Ya know," Will's voice erupted around her. Loud, too close, unnatural. "She's not that bad." Deena shivered as his hand fell across her shoulder.
"Do you have the shit, Will?" Deena opened her eyes and found Will's brown ones too close to hers, his hot breath washing over her face. His eyes searched her face.
"And the girl?" He asked, the question thick in the air. Deena felt her chest grow heavy. There was something happening that she wasn't sure of, but she knew was wrong.
"Do whatever the hell you want, just give it to me." Deena sat up slowly as Will pulled a clear, plastic bag out of his pocket, filled with a white substance. Fiona snatched it from his grasp. Will never took his gaze from Deena's face.
"So girl, what's your name?" Will asked, reaching out and stroking her cheek, as something sparked in his eyes.
Deena felt the fear strike home, as a quake began at the base of her neck and traveled down her spine. She could hear her mother sniffing loudly in the background, hunched over the floor. Fiona moaned in pleasure.
"Nadeena," she said softly, her voice catching on the last syllable.
Will smirked.
Sophia was thirteen months old when she first called Carol 'mama.' Ed was at work, and she and Sophia were in the living room, on the floor, just sitting. Carol was enjoying the atmosphere of having Sophia in her arms and the peace of knowing that, for now, Ed was gone.
She and Sophia were safe.
Sophia crawled towards her, the thin curls of her blonde hair glinting in the sunlight that shone through the windows. Carol reached out and caressed the top of Sophia's head lovingly. She had never thought she would have a moment like this. A moment where she would look on at her child, her beautiful brown eyes searching for Carol, her soft hands reaching for her without hesitation. Her smile, that broke that gentle face so often, that always made Carol's heart swell.
It was bittersweet watching Sophia. In her face, she saw Jasper and Clementine. Her lost babies would always be there, but now. Now she knew that Sophia was the one. Sophia was the one who deserved all of her love.
"Fah…" Carol reached forward and pulled Sophia to her chest, kissing the top of her head, breathing in the soft scent of baby that never seemed to leave Sophia. Carol loved that smell.
Sophia was making these little noises in the back of her throat.
"Mah, mah, mah." Sophia tried, her mouth trying to work out a sound.
Carol smiled. "Mama, baby. I will always be your mama."
Sophia's face lit up, and her little hand stretched out, touching Carol's chin.
"Mama," she said and giggled.
The tears rose and fell down Carol's cheeks.
Deena had pulled her knees to her chest and her cheeks were wet with tears. Riff sat up then, turned and looked at his mother. His face was set in worry.
"Mamaí?" The memory of Sophia's first word struck Carol hard. Carol had thought that she and Sophia were bonded. When Sophia was hurt, Carol knew it, before her daughter had a chance to start to cry. But Riff?
It was as if Riff always knew when his mother's soul was breaking.
"I'm okay, mo chroí," Deena called back. The phrase confused Carol, but it was a name that she had said before. Something she referred only to Riff. It seemed to deter him for the moment and he returned to Sophia's side in the grass.
Carol tried to understand what Deena was telling her. The story filtered through her mind, images tried to form, and then she tried to force them away.
"I…" Carol didn't know what to say. She had to ask the question, though.
"His father?" Carol watched as a tear fell down Deena's cheek. She wiped it away hurriedly.
"He was one of the men who…" Carol's heart clenched at the thought. Of it being one of the men that had their way with Deena. That her mother just let it happen.
"And your mother?" Her head fell against her knees this time, and she stared at Carol. Minutes passed slowly before Deena moved.
Deena rose to her knees and crawled her way to Carol, where she lay her head down on her lap. Carol froze, unsure of what to do. Deena buried her face against Carol's stomach.
And Carol felt her body shake, as Deena's arms closed around her waist, her hair splayed out across Carol's legs like rivers of diluted blood.
She wanted Sophia's hair to be long. Long, like hers used to be.
Before she had to cut it.
Ed used to like her hair. When it was long, and fell well beyond her shoulders. She remembered when she used to spend hours brushing it, methodically, like her mother had taught her to.
It used to be brown then, with natural blonde lowlights.
And then Ed started taking advantage of her long hair. Grabbing it when his temper would take control of him. When the booze would cloud his judgment. When he felt like it.
Carol had cut it in their sixth year of marriage. She was still feeling the loss of Jasper and Clementine. And Ed had started beating her then, as there was less sex. She had done it herself, in the bathroom. She didn't have any money to get it done, and leaving the house was out of the question.
Ed would never have allowed her to leave to cut her hair.
So she took her good scissors. Stood in front of the bathroom mirror. And watched as her beautiful brown waves fell from her head to the rim of the sink, and to the floor around her feet.
Her head felt lighter when she was finished.
She could see Deena's face. There was a mixture of hope and uncertainty that pinched her bloody features. She caressed Riff's cheek, lovingly. Carol felt her chest constrict. She pulled Sophia to her, wrapping her arms around her tightly.
Riff's head rose, his hand reaching up to caress Deena's cheek.
The tears fell down Deena's face, and her eyes lit up in love and hope.
She pulled Riff into her embrace, her face buried in his neck.
Carol couldn't believe her eyes. Sophia was calling to her, but she wasn't listening. She could only see Deena holding her little boy, the moment glaringly sweet against the harsh reality of their surroundings.
And then Deena screamed.
They laid there, Deena's head in Carol's lap, Sophia and Riff together in the grass, for a long time. The sky had turned dark, the stars had come out and still Carol stayed with her.
Deena had rambled on a few times, about a different man than Will or another time that her mother had used. Deena didn't know what heroine was then, but she knew now.
She was quiet now, though, had been for some time. Riff and Sophia had been quiet as well. He was showing her how to make a whistle out of a piece of grass. Their hushed whispers carried over Carol like a soft breeze.
She ran her hands, softly, through Deena's hair. The moment was a picture, something she wanted to capture forever.
"What the fuck is this?" She jerked at the sound of Ed's voice, shattering everything.
Deena jolted upright. Riff and Sophia turned together, the blade of grass gliding gently to the ground between them. Riff took Sophia's hand in his.
Ed wavered, and then stumbled over to Carol. She stood, hurriedly and felt the door closing shut. The drapes closing over the windows. Her mind closing down. Her body letting go.
Ed grabbed her wrist, hard.
"What the fuck are you doing out here? Where the hell is my dinner?"
She forgot dinner.
She forgot about Ed.
"I forgot." There was a flash in his eyes. Carol couldn't believe she had just said it either.
"You what?" He sounded incredulous. His words slurred. He had been out drinking and yet, he still had come back expecting dinner to be waiting for him. For her to be waiting for him.
He squeezed her wrist tighter, and she felt her bones grind against each other. She winced. She didn't need another broken wrist.
"Stop it." Carol's eyes widened. Deena stepped into her peripheral vision, her blue dress suddenly exposing.
Ed only spared her a glance before he started to drag Carol away.
Deena's small, fragile form streaked forward.
And did something that Carol will never forget.
She tackled Ed to the ground.
The bruises on her neck glared at her in the mirror, now that she didn't have her hair to hide them. But the bob, she didn't like it. Didn't like the way it framed her face.
So she cut her hair closer to her head. And she still didn't like it, beside it looking awful.
So then she took Ed's clippers, picked the second shortest length, and switched it on. The buzzing sound filled her head, like static, pushing away everything else. When she pushed the clippers across her scalp and the last remains of her hair fell across her shoulders, she felt something fall with it.
Ed came home and beat her, until she had nothing left in her but to lay there and accept it.
But she realized what she had lost when she had cut her hair, as Ed's fists fell on her, pummeling her body raw.
She didn't care about Ed anymore.
She didn't care.
Deena's scream cut through Carol, and spurned Ed into action.
"I parked the truck a ways back. We get the supplies from the basement and we get the hell out of here. And don't neither of you go looking to get any of your own women things."
Ed ran for the house, ignoring them.
Sophia was crying against her, and Carol slid to the ground.
Deena's screams echoed out across the yard, drawing the gaze of every walking dead thing in the vicinity. And Riff's head pulled away from Deena's neck, a chunk of her flesh between his teeth. Carol pulled Sophia's head against her, shielding her against the sight.
This isn't happening, she thought.
"O my God, incline your ear and hear. Open your eyes and see our desolations. For we do not present our pleas before you because of our righteousness, but because of your great mercy. O Lord, hear; O Lord, forgive."
There was no other explanation, than that they were being punished for their sins.
Punished for the sins of the ones they carried with them.
Ed and Deena tumbled to the ground. She straddled his stomach and grabbed him by the neck, her small hands barely managing to encircle it.
Ed was so drunk he could hardly manage his own weight, and certainly not another's.
"Look at me." Ed purposefully looked away and attempted to grab her by the legs. Deena pushed down, hard against his windpipe, her knees pushing down against his arms. He choked once, eyes going wide.
"You don't touch her." She released his throat and pushed her thumbs against his eyes. His legs thrashed wildly. Deena paid no mind to them.
"Do you hear me?" Deena leaned over, nose to nose with him now. Carol couldn't breathe.
This wasn't the girl she had just been consoling moments before. This wasn't the girl who sang so beautifully to their children.
She didn't know this Deena.
"Do you hear me?" She screeched, her voice carrying across the yard. Carol turned to Sophia and Riff, gathering them both up into her arms.
The wild thing, straddling Ed, red hair cascading to the ground, was a fury unleashed. Tension made her body quiver, her eyes wide as the whites shown bright. Her chest expanded with each quick breath and saliva slowly worked its way down Deena's chin.
"Deena?" Carol asked softly, her voice barely a whisper. Deena squeezed her thighs around Ed's chest, pushed her thumbs further into Ed's eyes, and smiled.
Carol didn't know what to do. Didn't want Deena to do this, but couldn't find the words to stop her.
"Mamaí!"
Riff pulled away from Carol's grip and ran for his mother. Deena froze, her hair hiding her face. Riff approached Deena cautiously, but Carol could tell that he was scared. This was a side to his mother that he too had never seen before.
"Mamaí?" His voice seemed to pull her back to herself though, and then she was looking for his face, as if through a fog.
She crawled over Ed's body, and when she was free of him, Riff collided with her. His arms wrapped tightly around her neck, his body shaking. Carol had never seen Riff cry.
Deena turned to Ed, who was rising from the ground. He was coming out of his own fog, the situation settling in his mind. Anger was slowly building across his face. His hands balled into fists at his sides.
Carol withered inside. But Deena rose to her feet and pulled Riff with her, staring at Ed like he was the filth beneath her feet.
"You're going to die, Ed. Painfully. For all the things that you've put Carol through." Ed's face twisted in rage, but he never made a move for Deena.
"Life has a beautiful way of paying it back."
They had all been in the sitting area. Ed wasn't drinking for once and Carol was knitting a pair of socks for Sophia. The front door was open because they were having a rare day of good weather during the earliest days of what would soon be spring.
Ed was paying unusual attention to Sophia today, and Carol didn't want to upset what good may come of it. So she kept her mouth shut and her hands moving.
And when she looked up, there was the girl again; standing in her front yard, hair like fire in the sunlight. Her face was turned up to the pale winter sky, and Carol felt certain that her eyes were closed.
She had spent many winter days like that, with her face turned to the sky. She was so still, Carol could swear that if she hadn't heard her sing, she would have thought she was a statue.
And then she turned, and her face erupted into a smile, so beautiful it transformed her completely.
She kneeled, reached out and then a boy came into Carol's vision.
The girl brushed something from his face, ran a hand through his hair, the same color as hers. Her smile deepened as his body grew animated, and he tossed something into the air around them.
White flower petals cascaded around her. The boy's head turned up, to watch as they fell.
But she never took her gaze from his face.
And her face told Carol everything. That she was his mother. She would never let anything happen to him. That she had been waiting for him. That she would never let him go. That she had been through hell for him but that it had been worth it. That his life was, and always would be, more important than hers. But most importantly.
That she would do anything for him.
Carol knew, then, that the girl and her little boy would be a part of her life.
No matter what she did.
"We're leaving." Ed pulled at her arm, but she couldn't. Not without Deena. Not without Riff. She pulled against Ed.
Defied him.
His eyes flared with anger.
Deena had fallen to the ground, her body still as the day Carol had first seen her gazing at the sky. Riff was crouched over her, tearing into her flesh. Carol wanted to throw up, but she couldn't stop the tears.
She had to stop Riff though. She couldn't stand to see that sweet boy consume his mother. Not after the way she watched him love her. She wrenched her arm from Ed's grasp, and ran for Deena and Riff's body.
The dead things took notice of her and moaned louder, limping in her direction. Carol realized they were neighbors from her block. She pushed those thoughts away.
Reaching their bodies, she found Deena's eyes looking up to the sky, her chest still falling and rising, despite Riff tearing into the flesh at her shoulder.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Ed gripped her arm tight and spun her around. And then he hit her, in the middle of everything that was wrong. The dead were walking and Ed just couldn't stop being Ed.
Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky.
Carol turned at the sound of Deena's voice, weak and quivering behind her. Riff was hobbling towards them, Deena forgotten. Ed hadn't seen Riff yet.
"Do you want to die, you stupid bimbo?" Riff's eyes were no longer the warm honey they used to be, but now a clouded grey. There was a chunk of flesh missing from his shoulder and he was still chewing on the flesh of his mother.
Riff reached for Ed's arm, just grazing it, his mouth opening hungrily.
Ed reacted, spinning on his heel and throwing his arm out connecting with the boy, tossing Riff several feet to the side.
Where he slammed into the concrete sidewalk and didn't get back up.
It slips away, all your money won't another minute buy.
Deena's voice slipped through Carol's mind again. Finding her face, those green eyes were locked on her now.
Tears slipped down Deena's cheeks.
Ed grabbed her arm, pulled her along so hard, she jerked to her feet and was practically dragged across the yard back to Sophia. Sophia was crying, the doll that Deena had made for her, abandoned at her feet. Ed grabbed Sophia by the wrist and dragged her along. Picked up the bag at her feet, and into Carol's pliable arms.
She could just barely hear Ed saying something about getting the rest of his supplies and taking the back way out of the house. But Carol couldn't stop looking at Deena. Her small frame coated in red.
Dust in the wind
Her voice echoing in her ears.
"All we are is dust in the wind."
Reviews are a sign of your kindness.
A/N: Wow. A long, long road, I know. I'm glad you're still here. Deena was...well. You're either still here, or you aren't.
I have been obsessing over The Walking Dead. I love every part of it. The humanity, the survival, the struggle, the bloody, horrific, disgusting mess of it all (the ZOMBIES!). So here I am. I only plan to make this a two-parter, about Carol. There's something about her that draws me in. She feels strong to me, strong and so very powerless at the same time. I love her (Daryl is my favorite character on the show though, hands down). So, thank you for being here.
Next chapter will be up, when it's up. And it will take place, during the winter between season 2 and 3. Daryl will be there. Not sure if I'm going to make it a separate one-shot, or just make it the second chapter to this one.
Hopefully you will be there, either way.
1. mo chroí roughly translates to 'my heart' in Irish. If that's wrong, do tell me, nicely.