This is a funny bit based on a Tumblr post. Stupid, adorable Angbang without the bang.
Mairon cradled the glowing amulet in his hands as he walked to the throne room. He had been serving Morgoth in Angband for a whole year now, and wanted to commemorate it. Morgoth was slumped on his throne, and woke with a snort as Mairon slipped the amulet around his lord's neck. "What-" Morgoth groaned, then was stopped as Mairon gave him a quick peck and skipped away.
The next year, Mairon struggled to squish a wailing skull into a gift box. He had enchanted it to wail a song of Morgoth's praises, but it was dreadfully off key. He shrugged and tied a ribbon around the box and placed it on Morgoth's throne. Later, he could hear it wailing throughout the halls.
"Here. Hold it like that and say what I told you to say." Mairon placed the orb in Morgoth's hands and stood next to the human prisoner.
"I wish Mairon was in my lap," Morgoth said. The orb shrieked and the human dropped dead. Mairon experienced a strange sensation and suddenly found himself in his lord's lap.
"It works!" Mairon said happily, then ordered another human to be brought up from the dungeon.
The glass tank was alive with the lizards, and they all squealed as Mairon heaved it up onto a cart. It had been a nightmare to capture one thousand lizards, but he had done it. He shoved it into Morgoth's hands and stalked away, itching from many lizard scales.
"Is this...an elf's head?" Morgoth asked.
"Yes!" Mairon grinned and drove the end of the stake into the cracked floor. "We shared him as an enemy, and now his head is here."
Morgoth's eyes welled with tears as he reached up to the flock, one raven settling on his fingers. "Thank you, Mairon!" he whispered, eyes wide with childish glee. The ravens pecked at the Silmarils.
"What is this?" Morgoth examined the small square, bending it between his hands. "What is its material?"
"I know not, my lord," Mairon said, shrugging. "It reads, in the mannish speech, Hot Topic, $25."
The dagger hovered above the human prisoner's head, pulsing with purple light. "Tell it to fall and it will, my lord," Mairon said. "It is enchanted." Morgoth smiled and flicked his fingers down at the human's head.
The bottle glowed and throbbed, the gas within emitting strangled screams. It had been a very difficult process to funnel the hopes and dreams of a small human child into the bottle, but now he had corked it with a large chunk of onyx. The glowing thing would look lovely over Morgoth's bed.
"Gghh!" Morgoth struggled to the surface of the thick gooey substance. "Mairon! What is this disgusting stuff?"
Mairon's normally slick golden hair was plastered to his face by the white sludge, and he choked on some of it as he tried to emerge from it. "A b-bad plan, my lord!" he gasped.
That's it! A quick crack-fic. This was fun to write, and feel free to leave a review or to check out my other stuff!