Unwanted Liberations

by Latreia

Oneshot. Deathfic. Hakkai’s guilt eats at him throwing his thoughts into a tangled disarray. He needs to understand his actions and if he was to truly blame for the consequences like he feels he is.

Unwanted Liberations.

First and foremost, a huge thank you goes to my betas FuumaKamui and Lacuna Miyamoto. You've both been a fantastic help.

Normally this is my cue to make some smart remark about how Saiyuki doesn't belong to me with what I hope are hilarious undertones but this story has such a sombre feeling that I just can't bare to ruin it. So instead I'll put it simply; Saiyuki is Kazuya Minekura's work and in absolutely no way belongs to me. Read, review but most of all enjoy.

"Shit, Hakkai. They caught you real good just here. You sure you haven't got enough in you just to close it up?"

I shook my head utterly exhausted. "If I had, I would have just put a barrier up instead of letting myself be hit in the first place."

I felt Gojyo's breath on the back of my neck as he let out a sigh.

"You'll be ok, won't you, Hakkai?" perked up Goku.

I smiled, "I'll be fine. It's just a scratch."

I could almost feel Gojyo's frown heat my skin at my words.

Sanzo stopped leaning against Hakaryuu and dropped his cigarette onto the floor. "I'm going to make sure the rest of those bastards are gone before we head off. The last thing I need are those assholes following us back into town."

"Do my ears deceive me or is the all great and powerful monk actually concerned about mere townsfolk?" Gojyo remarked, his voice dripping with disdain.

"Like hell. I just want a night of peace for once."

Sanzo began to walk back into the forest without as much as a backward glance.

Goku cast a fleeting look at us before trailing after Sanzo.

I shifted myself on the backseat, my muscles stiff from battle. Gojyo waited until I had stilled before continuing his inspection of the numerous cuts I had covering my back. He muttered a short sorry when he touched upon a particularly tender spot, making me flinch.

"You've got to stop this, Hakkai."

"Stop what?" I asked, feigning ignorance.

I knew exactly what he meant and Gojyo knew too. It wasn't the first time we had had this conversation and I was a hundred percent certain it wouldn't be our last.

"Don't pretend you don't know. You almost got yourself killed saving our asses out there today. You've got to stop worrying about us all the time and take a moment to think about yourself for once. You can't save us every time we're in trouble. It's bad enough we treat you like a mother already, we don't need to add bodyguard to the list."

I nodded my head, not bothering to reply. He already knew my answer; he had heard it enough times.

I felt him shift behind me as he moved round to face me. He sat down and paused, looking at the floor, before his eyes fixed mine, fierce with determination.

"Look, I know you're not going to listen to a word I say, just sit there grinning your bullshit smile, but I'm serious, Hakkai, quit with the hero shit. What do we do if you die?"

His eyes slid away, unable to look at me any longer. He stayed like that a moment, frozen in his thoughts. "What do I do?" he finally uttered quietly.

My stomach turned. I hadn't realized that he felt so strongly about this. I mentally kicked myself. Gojyo has so few people he genuinely cares for in this world, losing one of them would tear out a piece of his soul.

I reached out a hand and laid it gently on his shoulder. "Gojyo, I…"

"You got anything I can use to clean your back up with?" he said abruptly, interrupting me before I could say anything and making an obvious point that this conversation was over. "I can't see anything through all that mud and blood."

I smiled gently. "You'll find something in the medical case."

Gojyo grinned and leaned over the front seat to drag out the bag shoved there. It only took a few seconds before he found what he was looking for and was tugging out a brown tin, battered with overuse. He pulled up the creaking lid and sifted through the bandages until he stopped and grimaced.

"You've got to be kidding me," he said in disbelief. "Baby wipes?" He held up the blue plastic packet.

"What's the problem?" I asked, puzzled. "I find them most useful."

"It's just… they're baby wipes." Gojyo replied stretching out the word 'baby'. "Wipes designed for babies. A baby's wipe to wash off blood. Is there nothing at all about that that seems twisted to you?"

"I can't say there is, Gojyo. They're wonderful for getting off even the most stubborn stains and they leave your skin feeling quite soft."

"You're mocking me, aren't you?" Gojyo said, frowning.

My mouth twitched at the corner.

Gojyo's frowned deepened and he stared at me. I continued to smile serenely until he finally broke, "Fine! I'll use the damn things!"

He popped open the lid and pulled one out as he moved to sit behind me again. "I'm so going to get screwed by the Gods for using these," he muttered into my ear.

My smile stretched until I couldn't hold back the short snort of laughter that fell from me.

Gojyo sniffed, "Asshole."

X

I could feel my eyes burn with unshed tears. They sit there on the edge, unable to take that last step and drop in a wet line down my cheek.

Wishes, hopes, memories. When did they all become so painful? Who decided that for so many of us, life would be nothing but one tragic moment after another? I screw my face up, my sudden anger overtaking the grief. What was the point of us having wishes and hopes if the world didn't give you a chance in hell of achieving them? Was it just another way to punish our sins? Were we all such bad people?

The inn is quiet as I walk in. The few faces that are there turn to stare at me, no doubt in shock at my appearance. My anger quickly evaporates at their innocent bewilderment, only for the grief to well up in its place once more.

The manager glances up at me from behind his desk, his eyes widening. He drops what he is doing and rushes towards me. I suppose it is only natural they are concerned; we had gone to help them.

"Sir, are you ok? Should I get a doctor?"

I raise my hand and wave him away while still continuing my stumbling journey towards the stairs.

"I'm fine," I say, my voice calm. I try to smile and adjust back into my amiable mask but it slips and falls away, leaving just the raw shock naked for the room to see. I guess it's too soon even for me.

X

The door to mine and Gojyo's shared room swung open, bouncing off the wall. I looked over my shoulder to see Sanzo standing there, his face as sullen as ever.

"Are you done?" the question posed to the doctor standing behind me rather then myself.

The doctor quickly nodded nervously, unable to open his mouth under the glare of Sanzo's cold violet eyes.

He gathered his things and rushed to the door, squeezing his heavy bulk past Sanzo, who made no motion to move aside. When he had finally got past, Sanzo grabbed the door and slammed it shut. The monk had only taken a single step forward before the door creaked open slightly and the doctor's head poked in through the gap.

"I forgot to say before I left that he will need his bandages changed tomorrow morning and he must take those tablets three times a day to prevent infection," he said timidly, looking up at Sanzo with wide eyes.

Sanzo closed his eyes and nodded once. "Fine."

The doctor turned to me. "That shot I gave you won't take long to knock you out. You need to get some rest and if possible, try not to sleep on your back tonight."

I smiled. "Thank you, Doctor."

He nodded and left.

Sanzo waited until the door had clicked shut before turning his attention back to me.

"Is there something I can help you with, Sanzo?" I asked pleasantly.

"What the hell was with that stunt you pulled earlier today?" Sanzo replied, not bothering with any niceties.

"It wasn't a stunt, Sanzo."

"Then what would you call leaving your back unprotected when you know full well there's a bunch of youkai behind you?" he asked, his voice harsher then usual.

I looked away from him, facing the bare wall in front of me. "I have already had this discussion with Gojyo. I apologise if you disagree with my actions and I won't let it happen again."

"So the kappa has got enough sense in him to know you were an idiot too," he said with mock wonder before returning with his severe tone. "It had better not happen again, Hakkai. If you want to die, then that's your business, but don't fuck me over by getting yourself killed when we need you."

My eyebrow twitched, threatening to slip into a frown. "I have no wish to die Sanzo. I merely saw that you were in trouble and I turned to help you. You are the leader of this mission if I'm not mistaken, so was it really selfish of me to put my life on the line to insure your success?"

"Don't be a jerk, Hakkai. God knows we already have enough of them in this party. You know full well that I could handle it and yet you still insisted on risking yourself. Even if you skip that part of the fight, the fact still remains that you went so overboard with using your chi that you could barely stumble back to the jeep. What would you have done if a real threat had turned up then? You sure as hell wouldn't have been in any condition to help us."

I lowered my eyes and kept silent. Even I couldn't keep smiling through Sanzo's admonishment. I hated that he felt that he even had to berate me. I hated it even more that he was right.

Sanzo turned and walked towards the door.

"Sanzo…" I started, looking over my shoulder once again, before being interrupted for the second time that day.

"We're going to have to sit on our asses and waste a few days in this pit of a town now while you recover. Maybe you should take that time to figure out what shit's going through your mind. I'll be damned if any of us knows."

Gojyo chose that moment to burst through the door. "Hey Hakkai, I just saw the doctor leave..." He stopped when he saw Sanzo standing in the room and the regretful look in my eyes. "What's going on?"

"Nothing, we're all done here," replied Sanzo, looking pointedly at me. "I'm going out for a smoke."

He pushed past Gojyo and walked out of the room.

Gojyo scowled and watched the monk leave before shutting the door and turning back to me. "What was that all about?"

I shook my head. "Nothing. He just wanted to check up on me."

Gojyo looked like he believed that as much as he would if I had said that Sanzo had came for a hug, but he wisely didn't push it.

I yawned and turned around to heave myself up. I hissed as the stitches in my back pulled. Gojyo rushed to my side in time to place a hand securely on my chest as I stumbled.

I shrugged stiffly. "I guess my muscles are still a little sore."

He helped me gradually limp to the bed and lay slowly down, wincing with every large movement. As soon as my head hit the pillow, my eyes began to droop.

"I think the Doctor's injection is finally starting to kick in," I slurred tiredly.

Gojyo sat beside me and covered me with a sheet, before picking up the small bottle of pills on the bedside table.

"Do you need to take these now?"

I sluggishly shook my head and closed my eyes. "Not until the morning."

When I next opened my eyes, the sun had gone down and the room was dark, bar a small sliver of moonlight cutting through the room. Gojyo sat awake beside me, watching me, a cigarette hanging from his lips.

X

I walk up the stairs, grasping the banister tightly as I climb. The ascent makes my already weary body ache. My throat is tight, making breathing almost painful. Despite this though, I continue to climb; I need to reach the sanctuary of my room. I still feel calm; as if my anguish is just something my mind has made up to torment me. In my room though, I know the truth will spread painfully throughout me.

I run a hand across my brow, wiping the small beads of sweat that have begun to gather there. Instead of the small relief the movement should bring though, my brow feels wetter then before. I glance at the banister and see the dark marks I have left trailing behind me. I pause and glance at my palms. They are stained so dark I can barely make out my own skin. It is hard to believe what has happened just moments ago, it feels like a dream and yet I know as long as I look at these palms of mine, they will make it real.

"I deserve to keep these stains forever," I whisper.

I begin to climb again until I reach the long corridor where I stare gratefully at the door to my room standing at the end. All I want now is a moment's seclusion so when reality does seep in, I can lose my composure in peace.

X

By the time I had returned from the bathroom, Gojyo had already gone, along with his cigarettes off the table. A cup of tea lay steaming next to a pot in its place and I gratefully shuffled over to it. I had just sat down and raised it to my lips when there was a light knock at the door and Goku pushed it open.

I smiled and set the cup back down again. "What can I do for you, Goku?"

He shrugged and shuffled from foot to foot, looking as uncomfortable as possible.

"Goku?" I sighed. "Why don't you shut the door and come sit down?"

Goku nodded and did as I asked. I waited for him to speak but when he didn't appear to be inclined to initiate the conversation, I decided to start it for him.

"Was there something you needed to talk about?"

He stayed silent for a short while longer before finally deciding to speak up.

"I overheard Sanzo shouting at you yesterday."

"Oh," I had a feeling I knew where this conversation was leading.

"Do you really want to die, Hakkai?" Goku blurted out, his eyes wide and pleading.

I smiled and shook my head. "No, Goku, I don't want to die."

A look of confusion appeared on Goku's face. "Then why does Sanzo think you do?"

"I think you'll find that Sanzo was thinking of an overtly extreme reason for my actions," I gently replied.

"Your actions?"

I sighed, feeling a little too tired to be having this conversation. As much as I cared for Goku, these things could take a little more explaining then average and I wasn't sure if my patience would last in my weary state of mind.

"Both Sanzo and Gojyo feel I have been a little too overprotective as of late."

"And have you been?"

My smile faltered a little. "Well, yes, I suppose I have."

Goku slumped in his chair and folded his arms. "Why have you? Don't you think we can look after ourselves?"

"I know you can look after yourselves, Goku. It's just my mind has been a little…" I paused searching for the right word. "…overactive recently."

"But why?" asked Goku, the frustration starting to show in his voice.

My smile finally disappeared and I rubbed a hand over my face. Out of all of us, Goku was often the most observant of truth. He often knew when there was something deeper behind the stories we told. He was so childlike though; it was easy to forget that he could be rather intelligent at times. Unfortunately, that intelligence seemed to come at mostly awkward or annoying times.

I decided to tell him the simple truth, "I've been having dreams recently, nightmares if you will, in which bad things happen to you all."

Goku sat up straighter and looked thoughtful. "I have dreams like that too. Mostly about Sanzo not coming for me and leaving me alone because he's been hurt or he's dying, but now more often about you and Gojyo too. I'd be really sad if you guys got badly hurt. I was sad when you got hurt yesterday. I felt a little guilty too, like I could have done something more 

to help you or if I had been watching Sanzo better, then I could have saved him and then you wouldn't have had too."

I blinked, surprised at Goku's short speech. "I didn't realise you felt that way Goku," I said slowly.

Guilt started to gnaw at my stomach again just as it did before with Gojyo and Sanzo. I never would have expected Goku to also make me feel guilty about this.

"I'm sorry, Goku."

"Don't be sorry, Hakkai. It's sort of nice to know you're acting like this because you're worried. It makes me happy to know you care so much."

Goku grinned at me and jumped off the chair. "Well, I'm ok now so I'm going to see if Sanzo will get me some food. I'm starving! Oh, Gojyo said to remind you about the pills, and he also said to tell that dumb shit of a mother hen to get back into bed and rest up before he's forced to come up the stairs and beat your ass into bed."

I laughed and nodded. "I'll remember that, thank you, Goku."

Goku's grin grew wider and he turned and jogged towards the door.

"Goku," I called after him.

He turned and his happy face immediately fell into one of concern. I knew it was because mine looked so troubled. I don't know why I felt like I had to finish telling him the truth. I think it was because I felt like I owed him something.

"When I dream about you all, it's always about just one of you each night. Sometimes Gojyo, sometimes Sanzo and sometimes you. In them though, none of you just get badly hurt. You all die," I closed my eyes. "That's why I'm so overprotective, because in my dreams, when I lose you all, it terrifies me, and when I wake up, that terror doesn't go away."

X

I stagger down the corridor, my feet feeling like lead. With every step my door seems to get further and further away. I'm not too sure but I must be at least halfway there when I fall to my knees. A cry of anguish bubbles out of my throat, more animal-like then anything else. But still the tears don't come. They still sit and wait patiently on the corners of my eyes until I am quite ready for them. I can't stay here, as tempting as it feels to just curl into a ball and break down until I sleep. No, I have to move on. I'm meant to be the strong, calm one; I can't let a soul see me like this. That is why I need my room so badly, I realise. So I can carry on looking after the others once I've built myself up, and until I reach that point, I will hide myself away for as long as it takes. I almost laugh, so pleased I have a plan but then I remember his face, and my heart stutters and I feel frozen over again.

I crawl to the wall and then use it to help claw myself exhaustedly up again. Then I start the tortuously long journey for such a short distance, hoping, praying that I might find some peace at the end of it.

X

Goku snatched the last piece of chicken and quickly shoved it into his mouth.

"Mmm… that tastes so yummy! Hey Sanzo, can we get some more of that?"

"You've already had three plates, so no."

"Aw come on, Sanzo! One more! Pretty please!"

"No," Sanzo replied, not bothering to look up from his drink.

"It's not fair," Goku grumbled while hastily snatching the last meat bun.

Gojyo grabbed his wrist. "Hey monkey, you'd better give that meat bun back now!"

"Or what?" scoffed Goku.

"Or I take that plate and shove it down that greedy little throat of yours. I was saving it for last so give it back."

"No way!

"Give it back!"

"No!" shouted Goku, leaning over the table to seize the bun with his mouth.

"I don't think so, you little brat!" Gojyo yelled, placing his free hand on Goku's forehead and pushing backwards while tugging the hand clutching the meat bun ever closer to his own waiting mouth.

"Get off me!"

"Then drop the bun!"

"Sanzo!"

I watched as Sanzo's eye twitched at the screaming. As soon as Goku shouted his name, I knew the fight would end. Sure enough, like clockwork, Sanzo grinded his teeth and quickly reached into his sleeve to pull out his harisen. "Two hard smacks and the restaurant was quiet once more except for the sounds of grumbling from the two irked fighters."

"You just had to upset the monk, didn't you?" growled Gojyo.

"It was you who upset him, not me!" Goku retorted.

I decided that now was the time for me to step in before the banishing gun appeared and I was left apologising to a very upset manager at having emptied his restaurant in seconds.

"I think I might call it a night. I'm afraid I'm still quite worn out."

Gojyo's brow knitted in concern. "You alright, Hakkai?"

"Yes, please, there's no need to worry," I said, smiling.

I rose slowly to my feet. "You should get an early night too, Gojyo. I have a feeling you didn't get much sleep yourself last night."

"Nah, I'm full of energy. I think I'm going to head to the bar instead. I'll be up later. You coming for a drink, Sanzo?"

"Not with you," Sanzo replied, lighting up a cigarette.

Gojyo stood and glared at Sanzo. "Well that's just fine by me, you prissy monk!"

He turned to stomp off when a young woman ran through the door. She cast her worried eyes around the restaurant before finally spotting our group in the corner. She rushed towards us, wringing her hands in panic.

"Sir, please, you have to help us!" she said, bowing to Sanzo. "Demons are attacking the farms in the top fields!"

Sanzo took a long drag on his cigarette and didn't so much as stir or glance in the woman's direction.

"Come on Sanzo, you don't have to be so cold!" Gojyo said irately. "Let's go help!"

"Why should I?" Sanzo replied callously.

I frowned. "Sanzo, I believe it's in our best interests to help this young lady out. Once the demons are through with the top fields, they will surely migrate down to the town."

"Yeah Sanzo, let's go!" Goku shouted enthusiastically.

Sanzo's brow furrowed and he stubbed out his cigarette. He stood up sharply and sauntered towards the exit, muttering under his breath with every step.

"Well, I guess that's our cue to follow," remarked Gojyo, and he hurried after the monk with Goku following closely behind.

I turned to the woman. "Please stay here where it's safe," I smiled. "We'll soon have this all sorted out."

I walked towards Gojyo who had paused by the door to wait for me.

"Maybe you should sit this one out. You're still not fully healed."

I shook my head. "No, it's okay. I can still fight."

As I started to walk past him to join the others, he grabbed my arm. I turned to stare at Gojyo's resolute face.

"Then Hakkai… at least promise me you'll do nothing stupid."

X

I haul myself along the wall, no doubt marking the paint as I have done the banister. I am so close but my energy is so little. I don't even realise I have reached my goal until my forehead knocks softly against it. I drag my eyes upwards, staring at the dark wood inches from my nose. Reaching out with one limp hand, I wrap my fingers around the cool brass handle and grip it tightly. My stomach lurches. Now that I am here, I'm not sure I want to go in. I don't want to realise the truth that I have been right all along, that I should have listened to myself, or maybe it is the fear that the real truth is I have been completely wrong in my actions. Maybe I'm just still dreaming, says a stray thought in my mind. I grasp hold of that thought and wrap it tightly around me.

"Please," I plead under my breath squeezing my eyes firmly shut. "Let me wake up, just let me wake."

I wait and listen to my steady breathing and thudding heartbeat, and then I gradually begin to pry my eyes open, bit by bit.

I know if I do look back on this moment, then to seem surprised at my door still in front of me would be ludicrous but I have had this dream so many times now and I'm so desperate to hang on to that last bit of hope that I really truly believe I can will it all away. Now though, now the door hasn't gone, I will have to go in.

Panic wells up inside. I'm going to make this real and I don't know if I can survive the truth settling in my heart. But I shove the panic away, draw in a deep breath, and push the door open.

X

"Damn it. I'm tired of dealing with this crap already," Sanzo said testily.

Gojyo stood with his hands on his hips, a cigarette hanging from his lips. "Those are assassins again, aren't they? Don't they ever run out of demons?"

I sighed. "I guess not."

Goku summoned his nyoi bou and twirled it in lazy circles. "Shall we get started then? The sooner we finish, the sooner Sanzo buys us more meat buns."

"I'm all for that!" remarked Gojyo dropping his cigarette, his shakujo appearing in his hand.

Sanzo's eye twitched in annoyance and he began to walk towards the youkai.

"I bet I get three times as many as you, pervy water sprite!" Goku called out while chasing after Sanzo.

"In your dreams, monkey!" Gojyo yelled after him.

My smile grew. "I'm so glad I thought to buy extra baby wipes."

Gojyo shot a scowl at me before running after Goku. "Hey, don't start without me, you little brat! That's cheating!"

X

I kneel in the centre of my room and wait for a dramatic explosion of emotion to happen, but it doesn't come. Shutting my eyes, I fall forward onto my hands, in relief or anger at being cheated out of my moment, I can't tell. My cheek begins to slowly warm up and I open my eyes to find I'm kneeling in a sliver of sunlight. It reminds me of the night I had watched the moonlight cut through the room as I laid healing in bed. I close my eyes again. I don't need such simple beautiful memories right now. I want to concentrate on all the agony, anger and anguish that swims' through me. Above all, I want to feel the guilt that burns me and slices my soul to pieces.

I rent out a strangled sob. "It wasn't enough, it just wasn't enough."

I straighten up and dig the heels of my hands into my eyes trying to force the tears from me. "I'm so sorry."

X

I was growing tired already and the fight had just barely started. My chi hadn't had time to build back up since I was worn out after our last fight. I was just glad that I had taken the decision not to try and heal myself and instead let nature take its course, otherwise I really would have been in trouble.

Goku jogged up to me covered in grime, his face shining through it, lit up by the thrill of the fight.

"Hey Hakkai! I got forty-three already!" said Goku excitedly.

"Liar!" shouted Gojyo from nearby.

"I bet you've only got ten, you dumb water sprite!"

"And I bet if you don't shut that annoying little mouth of yours, I'm going to add you to my total!"

Goku trotted off to Gojyo's side, throwing more insults as he went.

I walked over to join Sanzo, who was steadily shooting everything in sight before quickly reloading and starting the cycle again.

"I'm inclined to believe that those two could argue themselves to death!" I said merrily.

"We can only hope they do, and soon," replied Sanzo, not even pausing in his shooting for a moment.

I shot a few chi balls at a small group of demons trying unsuccessfully to sneak up behind us.

"Do you ever keep count, Sanzo?"

"As long as they die I couldn't care less as to how many I get."

I laughed. "I thought that would be your answer."

"Then why ask?"

I continued to dispose of the gathering demons at Sanzo's side in silence, listening into Gojyo's and Goku's argument with some amusement. I have to admit that their constant bickering can grate on even my nerves. I'm just grateful my patience lasts far longer than that of Sanzo's. In the middle of battles such as this though, I enjoy the banter and the arguments. It's nice to know that life carries on even in these life or death situations.

"Shit," remarked Sanzo.

I looked back over my shoulder and followed Sanzo's gaze.

"Well, Goku will be pleased," I said as archers lined the hilltop directly in front of us, their bows all cocked and ready to fire. "I do think they may cause a bit of a problem for the rest of us though," I remarked.

"There does seem to be a hell of a lot of them," Sanzo replied.

"Uh guys!"

Sanzo and I turned to where Gojyo was calling.

"Oh my!"

More archers lined the hills. A lot more.

Since when did demons know how to use bows and arrows?" asked Goku.

"I think we can safely assume they were trained for this, Goku, not that they came out of thin air," I told him.

"I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this is a trap," said Gojyo.

"Did it take all your brain power to figure that one out?" growled Sanzo, digging out his cigarette pack.

"Hey shut up, you stuck up monk!"

Sanzo ignored Gojyo, lit up and sucked in a lungful of smoke.

"Do we have a plan of action or are we going to make it up as we go along?" I asked the group.

Sanzo raised his gun and aimed at one of the demons. "I say we wing it."

X

I finally decide to move when the tears don't start and my legs begin to feel numb. I drag myself across the floor on hands and knees until I reach the bed and grasping the covers, I heave my drained body up until I can sprawl across the mattress. I let my face rest in the sheet, breathing in deep the familiar smell that still lingers there and once again, I wait for the tears to fall.

X

I threw another barrier up, covering both Sanzo and myself from another swarm of arrows. I was starting to pant from the amount of chi I had used up and it was getting more and more difficult to hide.

"How about you cool it a little with the barriers, Hakkai?" Sanzo said, giving me a pointed look. "I can hear you gasping from here."

I stood myself a little straighter, trying to cover the aching in my muscles. "Thank you for your concern Sanzo, but there's no need to worry. I'm just fine," I replied.

"I wasn't worried. I just don't need a hindrance right now."

I nodded. "Of course."

"Shit," Sanzo muttered softly under his breath.

"They're starting to split up into smaller groups," I said, glancing up and stating what was blaringly obvious.

"Yeah and there's enough of them that they can do it and still be a challenge for us."

I let out a short burst of laughter. "So much for an easy fight and an early night."

"Damn cowards," Sanzo growled. "Wouldn't be so bad if they grew a pair and came at us in close combat."

I didn't have the death wish to point out that Sanzo himself wasn't exactly known for his close combat fighting.

"I believe our only option left is to split up ourselves and take a group each."

Sanzo nodded his agreement.

"Gojyo," I called out.

"Already one step ahead of you," He remarked as he and Goku split up, each taking a corner of the field.

"Don't be a hero, Hakkai," warned Sanzo as he brushed past me.

I gave Sanzo one last glance and then moved in the opposite direction to a corner of my own.

The youkai were on us before we had a chance to blink. The close combat assassins that Sanzo was so fond of had once again found their courage with the arrival and apparent winning of the archers and had snuck back in to have a go at us themselves.

I threw a ball of chi at a demon to my left before immediately turning to my right and putting up a small shield to protect against the coming hail of arrows.

It was when I turned back to my left that I spotted the assassin hidden behind Sanzo and lined up a shot.

Sanzo, Gojyo and Goku, all their words came to me then. Was I really acting over the top? Should I back off and let them handle it? What if I make a mistake and leave them when they need me the most? My stomach twisted in trepidation. I didn't want to cause any of them any more pain but at the same time, I couldn't just stand by. My eyes flicked to Gojyo and Goku. They were both enwrapped with their own groups. The demon leapt at Sanzo as I turned my 

focus back to him. He swung around, his face flitting into a look of surprise at the attacking youkai. The demon hit him sending him sprawling to the mud, his gun flying from his hand. I couldn't hesitate, not when someone I cared for was in danger. I threw a ball of chi at the demon, killing him in one hit.

Sanzo looked at me and after a short pause, nodded his head. I smiled and nodded my head in return. Then his head shot up and his eyes widened.

"Hakkai!"

I flung myself around the shouting of my name, making me realise that while concentrating on everyone else I had neglected to concentrate on my own situation. This is exactly what they were trying to warn me about and now after finally figuring it out, I might make their fears come true anyway.

"Get down!"

I didn't have time to do anything and out of sheer reflex, I threw my arms up creating a shield and began to close my eyes. A second before they were fully shut, someone stood in front of me and then my barrier finished forming.

X

Sitting up, I slide to the edge of my bed, clunking my feet down hard to the floor. I rake my eyes over the room, taking in the neat piles of my belongings and Gojyo's haphazard mess. I feel the anger form again, but this time I aim it at myself. I drop my elbows to my knees, letting my hands dangle between my legs and hang my head. I'm so ashamed and frustrated at myself. The others say it isn't my fault but I can't let this go. I should have listened. I spent all that time worrying about their happiness when all they wanted was me safe. It was the one thing I could actually do and yet I neglected it, and that neglect has had repercussions in the worst possible way. Is this what my dreams were warning me of? Not of their demise but of my own? I want to forget this journey and hide myself away forever but I can't do that, not now. Now I'm more obligated then ever to see this through to the end and then when it is over… Then I can decide how I should be punished.

X

I stood there for a moment, allowing my lungs to slow from their heavy heaving and the thudding in my chest to settle. When I felt a little calmer, I pulled open my eyes. My shield still shimmered before me, strong and unyielding despite the tremor that ran through my arms. I watched over Gojyo's shoulder as Sanzo fire a bullet into the archer, killing him instantly. Goku had flown into the masses, renewed by his outrage that someone would actually try and 

kill his friends. The fact that that was their aim from the very beginning seems to elude him, but I guess sometimes, this was something akin to a game to him. But whether this was a game to him or not now didn't matter anymore, the youkai were clearly losing and before long, I knew the last few smart ones among them would retreat.

I focused back onto Gojyo, his blood red hair flowing just inches from me, as smooth as silk. I let my mouth curve into a smile, pleased to see him standing there.

"Well I would definitely say that was one of our closer calls," I said with relief, dropping the barrier at the same time.

Gojyo's shoulders suddenly slumped and he began a rough hacking that sounded like he desperately needed to clear his throat.

"Gojyo?"

"I think," he slurred. "It was a little too close."

He fixed me with a piercing look. His eyes were tight around the edges, and a line of pure red blood began to steadily flow from his nose, sliding over his full lips until it reached the edge of his jaw where it dripped onto his vest, staining the white fabric.

I felt my eyes go wide with horror and my mouth dry. Gojyo turned until his profile was in full view. A thin wooden stick protruded from his upper back and I heard a voice inside ask me how something as pathetic as that can kill anyone. It wasn't the stick that disturbed me though, it was the sharp metal barb settled nicely in his chest.

"Gojyo…" I whispered.

He fell then, as if the last of his energy ebbed away with my words. I grabbed him on his descent and lowered him gently, facing the ground.

"Shit, this hurts," he muttered through gritted teeth.

I quickly raised my hands over him and began to push my chi into the wound, desperately trying to close it. I watched him grimace with every shallow breath and it made me redouble my efforts, causing small beads of sweat to well up on my brow and trickle down my face. I could hear Sanzo and Goku still fighting nearby but I didn't dare tear my eyes away from what I was doing. I paused for a moment to shift to a better position, my body noticeable drooping as soon as I cut the flow of chi.

"Hakkai," said Gojyo, wrapping his fingers tightly around my arm. "Stop, you're going to kill yourself."

"Concentrate on keeping yourself alive," I rasped out and pulled away from his hand to start healing again.

Gojyo winced but remained silent, focusing on his breathing.

"Why, Gojyo? Why did you do this?"

"What was I supposed to do, Hakkai? Just let you die?" Gojyo replied sardonically.

I shook my head in frustration. "No, I know you couldn't just leave me," I frowned. "I probably know that better than any of you, but why take the arrow, Gojyo. Surely there was a thousand better ways to do this."

Gojyo stilled beneath me and my heart leapt into my throat. "Gojyo?"

"I'm not sure why," he finally answered.

"Why not just use your shakujo?" I questioned again, desperate for some answers.

Instead of a response though, Gojyo began to cough again, deep wheezing coughs. I narrowed my eyes and concentrated harder on my healing. An intense throbbing began to pound through my head.

"I was scared I'd miss," panted Gojyo suddenly. "I saw the demon raise that bow and all that went through my mind was if I miss this then Hakkai is gone. The shot was awkward and I was already starting to feel tired, I just didn't have enough trust in my ability, not with what was at stake, so I ran towards you. I'd hoped I'd get your attention or get there in time to at least shove you out of the way, but I just wasn't fast enough."

I closed my eyes, hating that I didn't notice the archer or Gojyo's cries sooner. I felt his fingers feebly grasp my arm again.

"Please, Hakkai, don't torture yourself. I don't care what happens, I made the right decision. The world needs you a hell of a lot more than it needs me."

I opened my eyes and gazed intently down at him. "The world does need you though. It needs you to save it. It wasn't just anyone chosen to help Sanzo, it was you, Goku and I and in my mind that makes us all important. Too important to die."

Gojyo grinned drowsily. "So maybe I just did what I was meant to do and kept the important people alive," he slurred.

"I just can't agree with that. I know you are meant to do more."

Wearily, Gojyo looked up at me and smiled gently but didn't try to reply.

I wasn't sure how long I had been kneeling there but I did as much as I could, frantically trying to avoid the real deciding motion I must come to but eventually there was nothing else I could do. I gazed down at Gojyo. His once golden skin was now sickly pale and glistening with a thin sheen of sweat. His breath wheezed out of him and his eyes looked distant.

"Gojyo," I whispered.

His eyes flicked to me, struggling to focus.

"I have to pull the arrow out."

He nodded once, his eyes never leaving mine. "I guess a baby wipe's just not going to fix this hey."

I tried to smile but his empty, murmuring voice wrenched at my heart. I rested one hand on his back by the shaft and with the other, I reached up and brushed back a lock of hair from his clammy skin. "Fight for me. Please."

I grasped the arrow and locking eyes with him, I pulled in a fast smooth motion, hoping I wouldn't cause him any extra pain or damage.

Gojyo's eyes rolled back and closed as he opened his mouth to cry out. His throat was full of blood though and instead he coughed as he began to drown. It only took a second before his chin was scarlet.

I immediately pushed all I had into him, pushing the panic down from where it constricted my throat to my stomach where the feeling left me nauseated. My hands began to shake and my body dipped closer to his.

"Hakkai," Gojyo gasped.

"Keep fighting!" I shouted at him.

Exhaustion tugged at every inch of me and I inwardly screamed at myself for being so weak. I couldn't stop; if I did, Gojyo would stop and I could never allow that.

I could feel his muscles knit and the tear in his heart begin to close but it wasn't happening quickly enough. I grinded my teeth together and screamed through them as I forced the last of my chi into his wound.

Then just like that, it was gone. I had no more left and all the begging in the world wouldn't give me more. I slumped onto him, my head lying gently over his heart. I could hear it beating weakly beneath my ear.

"Gojyo," I whispered.

His breathing stuttered and his chest's gentle rise and fall began to slow.

I closed my eyes. "Don't leave me."

X

A gentle knock at my door makes me lift my heavy head. Sanzo enters slowly into the room.

"I'm going to take Goku out for a walk. Hopefully calm him down a bit."

I nod once. "Okay."

He turns towards the door and makes to leave.

"Sanzo."

He stops, his back still facing me.

"I thought I could keep you all safe."

He pauses there, gazing at the door, as if he wants to say something. A second later he leaves. There really isn't anything more to say.

I reach over to the bedside table and drag the medical box over to me. Tugging it open, I shift bandages until I find the blue plastic packet.

"A baby's wipe to wash off blood. Is there nothing at all about that that seems twisted to you?"

I smile.

"I'm so going to get screwed by the Gods for using these."

I pop open the lid and pull out a white sheet.

"You idiot."

Lifting it to my face, I wash the tears away.