Tezuka the Jester
By: DeOnion
Standard Disclaimers apply.
Para 1
T'was a windy Saturday afternoon, and Seigaku Regulars Oishi, Eiji and Fuji were out on their way home, having had practice earlier.
"Unya…"sighed Eiji, as he usually did after trainings, regardless of whether the training had actually been tough. "Buchou is so mean!" In this case, it had.
Fuji smiled indulgently. "Ne, buchous have to be mean, if they want their teams to be good." Hearing this, Eiji pointed out, "then buchou must want us to be super good," he wailed.
Oishi, sensing the chance to launch into a lecture, said, "Yes, Eiji, and in order not to let him down, we have to train."
"Nya…" Eiji pouted, "Buchou is so serious it's scary."
As Fuji chuckled at this remarkably simple-yet-accurate description of Tezuka, Oishi slid his hand into his bag to pull out his cell phone…to find out that it was no longer his cell phone. The phone he held in his hand was a compact clamshell camera-phone with a sleek titanium casing, in contrast to his old and clunky model. As if to add emphasis to the oddness of its appearance, the cell phone-that-was-not-Oishi's began to beep a standard, monotonic beep.
"Uwah! Oishi's phone is so cool!" Eiji noticed the object that Oishi had unconsciously stopped to stare at.
"This isn't mine," he mumbled, turning the phone around and studying its casing, as if he expected it to turn back into his old phone mid-turn.
"Maa, Oishi, a message came in. You could read the message to see if it has any clue to who the owner might be."
"But it's wrong to open other people's…" Oishi protested as Eiji snatched the device out of his hands. In spite of himself, he peered over Eiji's shoulder at the lit screen.
Kuni-chan, It read, what time are you coming home? Remember to watch out for traffic, and be a good boy. Mommykins.
It was Oishi who first broke the silence. "Kuni-chan…?" he let his voice trail off.
"Bu…bu…" Eiji gasped, his shoulders shaking with glee,
"Tezuka…" Fuji resisted the urge to sing with delight.
Para 2
Tezuka looked around the clubroom. Had he forgotten anything? Having satisfied himself that he had not, he strode out of the clubroom and reached into his bag for his phone, to call home and reassure his rather protective mother that he had not, as yet, been kidnapped or run over by a speeding truck.
His fingers brushed against a lump of plastic, which he promptly pulled out. Oishi's phone, he thought. Well, no matter. They'd exchange them tomorrow. After all, Oishi wasn't the type to read other people's messages without permission. He winced, remembering his mother's pet name for him.
Sighing, he locked up, and was about to walk off into the sunset when a rather disturbing fact came to mind. Oishi was with Eiji and…Fuji. Fuji. Fist tightening around Oishi's phone, he started toward the fukubuchou's home in a brisk walk. Which quickly developed into a run.
Para 3
"Now, Fuji, Eiji, let's be mature about this. Tezuka's reputation is at stake here, so…"
"Saa, Oishi." Fuji interrupted. "We won't embarrass Kuni-chan."
Oishi sighed.
"KAMIO-KUN!"
Eiji blinked.
"Oi-ishi, what was that?"
"KAMIO-KUN!"
"That voice," mused Fuji, "That voice."
Oishi and Eiji looked expectantly at Fuji, but Fuji did not continue. After a while, Eiji poked Fuji.
"That voice…is the voice of Tachibana's little sister!"
That was a silence, in which Oishi and Eiji tried to figure out how Fuji had managed to deduce that, the scream being hysterical and all.
"KAMIO-KUN!"
"I think we'd better go and see what's bothering An," Fuji said, pleasantly.
They rounded a corner, to find the Street Tennis Courts…and An struggling to get Atobe's arm off her shoulders at the base of the stair leading up to it.
"Now, now," Atobe was saying, "You promised us a date."
Fuji opened his mouth, but the Golden Pair was faster. Kikumaru Eiji threw himself into the air and onto Atobe, successfully immobilizing him, and freeing An.
Unfortunately, in his haste to detach the Hyotei buchou from the distressed girl, Eiji did not pay much attention to his landing, and ended up sitting on Atobe's face.
At first he did not notice it, but he soon felt a subtle tickle down there. Which was Atobe's lips moving to form the words "Get your butt out of my beautiful face."
When Eiji had done so, Atobe then pulled himself up, and gingerly rubbed his face, trying to remove all traces of Kikumaru hiney from it. However, his brain refused to let go of the image of the red-headed youth flipping into the air, his rump coming up as he pulled himself up mid-flip, and the same blue rump coming closer…and closer. Atobe began to twitch in a very un-Atobe like manner. He opened his mouth to screech a single word.
"KABAJI!"
Para 4
Tezuka groaned in frustration, startling Oishi's mother. Noting this, he apologized quickly and began to walk away from the Oishi residence. Where the hell could they be?
He visualized Fuji standing in on a soapbox in town proclaiming to the world the Tezuka, the captain of the Seigaku team, was a wimpy mama's boy.
Not that Fuji had ever been that open with his torture.
"EIJI!"
Tezuka looked up sharply.
Para 5
Eiji was in trouble. The monster called Kabaji was dangling him by his feet, while Fuji, Oishi and An ran around it, squeaking in dismay, while Atobe was sitting cross-legged on the ground, trying to salvage his sanity.
That was when Tezuka stepped out.
"Put him down," he ordered, in a voice that screamed authority.
"Tezuka!" cried Oishi, Fuji and An.
The blood rushing to Eiji's head was making him dizzy. His vision was blurred. He could barely make out…was that…Tezuka? He remembered the message from before and began to giggle a hysterical giggle. "Kuni-cha-an!" he sang out.
"No, no, keep it up, Kabaji," Atobe, having come out of his meditative position. He addressed Eiji, "Kuni..what?"
Eiji would have answered, had Tezuka not jammed his elbow into his mouth, in an uncommon display of anxiety.
"Mitsu." He gave Atobe a death glare.
"I'm sure he said something else," insisted Atobe, pulling at the offending elbow. "I want to hear it from him," then, as a insult, he added, "I'm not sure why anyone would want to listen to you. You're so boring, unlike ore-sama."
Tezuka opened his mouth to order Atobe to run twenty laps, but then he remembered that Atobe wasn't in Seigaku, thank god.
He said, stiffly, "You're not interesting, you're flamboyant."
Then, to his surprise, everyone laughed (sans Kabaji). Even Oishi let out a small chuckle.
"So you actually know how to make jokes!" Atobe cackled. "Tell you what. If you tell me a real, funny joke, I'll let your friends go."
Para 6
"Come on, Tezuka!" urged Oishi. "Just one joke."
Although not noticeable outwardly, Tezuka was having an emotional struggle on the inside. Joke? He didn't know any jokes. Wait, didn't hear one about a door, or other? There was one about a chicken , but that didn't really constitute as funny. Then he had an idea.
"Right," he said, and even Kabaji detected a note of nervousness in his normally monotonic voice.
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Oishi nearly died.
Atobe looked smug. "I don't know, why?"
"Guess." Tezuka said, extremely aware of how stupid he seemed.
"Because he wanted to get to the other side?"
"No, well, yes, but generally because you were on the other side, and he wanted to get near enough to do this." And here Tezuka reached out and flicked Atobe on the nose.
There was silence.
Then Atobe clapped his hands to his face. "You heathens!" he screamed at Tezuka and Eiji. "You don't know how to appreciate fine art! Kabaji!" Atobe then ran off crying.
After Kabaji had released Eiji, who's face was a bright pink by that time, Fuji thought aloud, "That was actually pretty funny."
"Hn." Tezuka said, trying to hide his glee, which was an emotion he was not familiar with.
"Well done, buchou."
"Hn," Tezuka said again. Then he remembered. Sticking out a hand, he asked of Oishi, "Phone."
After the exchange was made, Tezuka turned around…to face a triumphant Inui and ashamed Kaidoh.
"Kuni-chan," remarked Inui. "Ii data."
Tezuka could feel his integrity slowly slipping away.
"Fshuu…" fshuued Kaidoh.
Tezuka stared quite helplessly at all of them. It was a nightmare. Inui, Kaidoh, Eiji, An, Fuji, and apologetic-looking Oishi were now lined up in a horizontal line, looking at him, mouthing over and over again, "Kuni-chan."
Suddenly, he snapped.
Reaching out his hand, he flicked all of their noses one by one.
Para 9
"Kuni-chan!" Mrs. Tezuka shrilled. "Wake up!"
Tezuka bolted out of bed.
"Hn," he said.
Author's note: I don't know what possessed me to write this. It may be interesting to note that this idea came to me while I was in the bathroom.