Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD.
A/N: Okay, so something that annoys me is the lack of time spent on Jay's past in the show. Specifically when things are mentioned briefly and never expanded on. I've been re watching season three and got this idea watching ep 3, where Will says to Erin.
'I wasn't there for him, Mouse dragged him back and was there when he was going through…'
Erin was like 'going through what?'
Then… nothing. So this is what come from that… for the purpose of my story I'm bringing their reunion forward to this time so I can write it. However I do love their scenes in eps 4,5 and 6 so I've incorporated them. If you read something that's familiar… it's a line from the show (will be later chapters) lol
Sins of the Past – Part 1
I take a deep breath summoning courage, before I reach up and knock on Jay's door. After a few moments he answers, still in his jeans and dark blue shirt from earlier today.
"Hey." I whisper uncertainly.
"Erin." He breathes out as he moves aside to let me in.
"Sorry to come by so late… I just needed to see you." My hands awkwardly slide in my pockets.
"It's okay, you're always welcome." His smile is kind as his eyes follow me.
I nod softly while looking around Jay's apartment, pacing around trying to find the words to speak.
"I don't know what to say… where to start. I just need you tonight." My hazel eyes are looking anywhere but at Jay and I feel his presence near me.
"I'm always here for you Erin, whatever you need." He steps closer and I fight my feet wanting to step back.
"I was going to come by yesterday and ask for a favor but… I didn't want to bother you." My foot is tapping, my hands digging deeper in my jeans.
"Erin, you could never bother me. What's going on?" Jays eyes are full of concern when I finally turn my gaze to him.
"Umm." I swipe back some of my hair before playing with the long necklace wrapped round my neck.
"Hank wants me to speak with Dr Charles from Med. I tried today but…" I shrug as I look into his kind blue eyes.
"You should talk to someone." Jay's voice is kind.
"I know… but it's not for me. I would prefer to talk to you… if that's okay?" I bite my lip, eyes cast downwards again.
"Yeah, come here." Jay pulls me into his arms; tears sting my eyes as I inhale his scent feeling calm and comfort wash over me.
"Thank you." I whisper as he moves us over to the couch.
"There's just so much… you always know what to say. You're the one I trust Jay… not some shrink." I'm shaking my head, willing the tears to stay at bay.
"Talk to me." Jay's hand finds mine.
"I don't know why I find it so hard to get rid of Bunny in my life… but then she does something like tell me Hank will get me killed just like he got Nadia killed… or she goes and gets one of Hank's convictions over turned."
"She said what to you?" Jay's voice is soft but serious; anger is coursing through his eyes.
"I wish I didn't turn to her when Nadia died, but I didn't want you to see me fall apart… I didn't want to have you in my life. Because if I did I would have been happy and I didn't deserve to be happy when Nadia was dead…" I lose the battle with my tears as they fall down my cheeks.
"Erin. You do deserve to be happy. Nadia would have wanted that." Jay's thumb is moving back and forth soothingly on my hand.
"When Al called and said you were abducted. It was like my heart stopped, I couldn't process it. I felt so scared that I would lose you… I can't cope with that. I just kept replaying that conversation in front of the club, the last time I saw you. I was such a defensive bitch… the look in your eyes and the words you said broke my heart. I just wanted to fall into your arms and let you take care of me… But instead I pushed you away. After Al told me I didn't sleep that night, I just got myself cleaned up and ready to get you back. When I saw you come in the room… I hated myself, blamed myself for every cut and bruise. But I was so thankful you were alive." Jay pulls me into him and I feel the tears soak his shirt.
"Saving you and having you back helped me deal with the loss of Nadia, I still have a ways to go. These moments of sadness overwhelm me at times… but I know I'm lucky to still have you. I'm lucky to be alive and I want to honor that. Besides… Nadia was always rooting for us." My eyes flicker to Jay unsure if I should speak about our past relationship, he smiles back.
"What's going on with Bunny?"
"When I was fifteen, I hadn't moved in with Hank yet but I was his CI. You know James Beckett?"
"Yeah."
"Hank was on a stake out when I called… I was in tears and scared. Bunny's boyfriend had a sawed off shot gun and was going to kill us… Hank saved us. But Beckett murdered his buyer that night, so Hank lied and said he was still on the stake out… lied under oath and got Beckett arrested. So when I came back to the unit Hank told me to cut ties with Bunny…"
"You don't want to hear it Erin but it's for the best, she's not good news. You deserve more in life than her… she manipulates you. That's not love." His tone is serious but not overbearing knowing I'll make my own decisions.
"I know." I whisper more tears falling.
"She's come forward about Hank lying that night… went to Beckett's lawyers even. She's trying to punish Hank for taking me away from her… she's punishing the man who saved my life Jay. I would have been dead on the streets without him; he gave me a real home and showed me love. And my mother wants to punish him for that." I'm shaking my head, feeling defeated.
"We'll find a way to keep Beckett locked up." Jay's hand wraps firmer around mine.
"I should have tried harder to get through to you when Nadia died." He looks down ashamed.
"Jay, no. You did everything… you tried more than anyone. You saved me, pulled me from that dark hole. I'll always love you for that."
My eyes widen when I realise what I've said and Jay's speechless, mouth slightly ajar.
"Umm. I mean." I cough awkwardly and move to pull my hand away, Jay just grips it tighter.
"Hank's making these talks with Dr Charles mandatory though… will you come with me?" I move the subject away from my confession.
"Of course I will, if that's what you want. If you are comfortable with me hearing what you have to say… about your past and everything."
"Yeah… about time I share everything with you. I'll just pretend it's just us and I'm talking to you… you have always had my back, I need to trust this won't change anything." My smile is soft, my cheeks wet with tears.
"It won't." He kisses my hand.
"You know, I'm here for you too right Jay?"
"Yeah." He nods once.
"I mean I don't ask about your time overseas… you make comments sometimes and I don't push you. Truthfully, you seem mostly okay about it all… so I let it go. There are these split seconds where you don't though, where you seem… haunted."
"Erin, I'm fine." His tone is short, his eyes flicking down to our hands and back up.
"Maybe… maybe now you are most of the time. But you weren't when you got back." I press, wanting Jay to know I'm here for him the way he always is for me.
"How do you know?" Jay frowns, crinkles appearing in his forehead.
"Will said something to me today… that Mouse was the only one there for you, he dragged you back when you were going through what you went through… what did you go through?" My tone is soft but encouraging.
"Erin." His tone is short and the grip of his hand loosens in mine.
"Jay, please. I'm here…open up to me." I turn towards him pulling our joined hands into my lap.
"I don't know. You won't look at me the same…" Jay's blue eyes look haunted and scared. Worry lines crease his face and I bring my free hand up to smooth them.
"Trust me to. Do you want me to go first?" My hand moves to caress his cheek and he leans into it, his eyes closing briefly.
"You would do that?" His eyes open, seeking mine out searching for the strength to let me in.
"Of course." I whisper with a gentle smile.
A/N: I will be getting to Jay, but I thought it's a nice gesture for Erin to lay her cards on the table so Jay can then open up in return... I could keep going but it's almost 11pm and I'm off to bed.
I'm sure three updates can hold you off until tomorrow lol
Leave a review with your thoughts - you interested in seeing more of this?