A/N: This is my story through the life of Hermione Jean Granger. I tried to kill myself 3 times, they brought me back to life once. This is why I stopped writing for such a long time. I couldn't handle writing and living at the same time. I am a lot better now and I am ready to help others.

*Be prepared: this story is graphic!*

The Butterfly Project

The Rules:
1. When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker or pen and draw a butterfly wherever the self-harm occurs.
2. Name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone who really wants you to get better.
3. Do not scrub the butterfly off.
4. If you cut before the butterfly is gone, it dies. If you don't cut, it lives.
5. If you have more than one, cutting kills them all.
6. Another person may draw them on you. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of them!
*7. Even if you don't cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support.

I do the Butterfly Project and it works for me. Don't be afraid to try new things. Be brave. You've got this. I have faith in you. Look for your supports, lean on them. Be as kick-ass as possible everyday: be you. Someone loves you. Be a fighter, don't give in. I almost gave in but I didn't! I have faith in you.

~Severus Addicted.

Grow Your Wings

by Severus Addicted

Minerva stared at Albus as if he were crazy for even thinking about allowing the girl to use such a powerful device. Even though she trusted her best friend's opinion and respected him she still wasn't sure of this decision of his.

Albus' eyes were twinkling madly as he placed the time-turner in the small hand, "I trust you have listened completely to my warnings. You must use this carefully. A time-turner is not a toy my dear child."

Hermione quickly nodded her head in agreement. Excitement about being allowed to take on all the classes she wanted caused a huge smile to be plastered on her face. "I promise, Headmaster Dumbledore, I know it's not a toy."

Minerva bit her lip in worry. It wasn't that she did not believe Hermione could handle the time-turner responsibly; she was more worried that the girl was putting too much on her plate than she could handle. Sensing that Albus has complete faith in Hermione's ability, Minerva pushed her worries aside. I will just keep an eye on her and if it seems to be too much for her to handle I'll remove the problem whether she likes it or not.

Two months later. . .

Clenching the time-turner in her hand so hard her knuckles were beginning to turn white. She didn't even notice she was holding it as she viciously flipped through her Muggles A History textbook.

Harry and Ron plopped down beside her. Both smiling from ear to ear as they discussed their recent chess battle.

Hermione could have growled. Couldn't they see she was studying?!

"Merlin, she's studying again! What the bloody hell do you have that you need to study for?" Ron looked at her notes in disgust.

Harry scrunched his forehead as he tried to remember if he too had a test to study for. Nothing came to mind.

Hermione threw them both a cold glare, "I have a test to study for and neither of you are making that easy on me!"

Ron glared right back, "You always have a test to study for! When was the last time we hung out as friends? You're drifting away from us."

Feeling defensive, Hermione snapped back, "I'm drifting away?! No I'm not! I'm trying to make myself a better, more educated student and if you have a problem with that then you can just ignore me."

Ron's face turned red in anger, "Ignore you like you ignore Harry and I?"

Harry looked horrified that Ron would drag him into their argument but before he could try to pull himself out it was too late.

"I do NOT ignore you two! Why are you being so selfish?" Hermione cried out in frustration as she stood.

Ron stood as well and snapped, "Why are you being such a nerd?"

Hurt, Hermione stared at him in silence for a minute before whispering so quietly the boys had to lean in to hear, "You have no idea what kind of stress I'm under. You have no idea so you do not have any right to call me names! Don't talk to me again!" And with that she stormed out of the common room and up to her bedroom where she slammed the door shut.

Crawling into her bed, she closed the curtains and pulled her knees up to her chest. She rocked herself back and forth as silent tears trickled down her face.

Why am I so angry all the time? They are going to hate me. . . I probably deserve to be hated. It's not like I've really hung out with them all year. I've been too busy with my studies! But I can't just drop out of my classes: I can't be a failure! Dad would be so disgusted with me if I fail this. I hate how angry I am. Poor Ron didn't even do anything to deserve my anger. I feel like I'm turning into a monster!

She unconsciously pulled up her pant leg and ran a finger over a scratch that was scabbing over.

I hate the new me! Why does dad have so much faith in me? Why can't I just do my assignments and finish my studies without attacking my friends? Soon they won't be my friends! I wouldn't be my friend!

With one swift scratch she re-opened the wound. Blood slowly rolled down, staining her pale leg.

The sting that followed quickly brought her out of her trance. Looking down at the blood, she found herself wanting to see more. This unusual want to see herself bleed made her confused but the want to see the blood grew stronger than her confusion. Digging her finger nail into the fresh wound, Hermione drug her nail down her leg. More blood appeared from the wound but it wasn't enough to satisfied her want. Once again, she dug her nail into the wound, pressed hard, then drug her nail down. Blood rolled free from the wound. She sat staring at her leg until the blood seemed to dry.

Suddenly she felt sick to her stomach. Grabbing her wand she quickly cleaned the wound, dressed it, and then rolled her pant leg back down so she no longer had to stare at her mess.

Why did I do that? Why did it calm me?

Curling in a ball, Hermione hid her face in her hands and wished to disappear.

I'm so confused! I really liked how that made me feel. . . I felt in control for the first time in two months. I was so stressed out it was ridiculous but in that moment that it stung, I felt okay. I felt like I was drowning in my stress but that sting pulled me out of the water. I know it's not okay to hurt yourself. So why do I want to do it again?

Feeling sad and a little scared, Hermione put the pillow over her face and escaped into a deep sleep that was filled with tests, scary professors, and bad grades. She awoke in a sweat three hours later and unable to shake the nightmares. Pulling up her pant leg, she undressed her wound and stared at the angry red wound.

Maybe if I do it again this feeling will go away and I can go back to sleep. . . I hope it works.

Biting her lip, she re-opened the recent wound and watched the blood trickle down.

No one has to know. This is my secret.

Not a minute after she re-opened her wound, the curtain around her bed ripped open.

Panicked, Hermione quickly pulled her pant leg down and glared at the intruder. Her glare didn't last long when she realized who was standing beside her bed. Gulping, Hermione bit her lip and waited for her professor to speak first.

Minerva pursed her lips and stared down at the third year, "Miss Granger, please follow me."

Hermione fumbled with the hem of her night-shirt, "But Professor McGonagall it's in the middle of the night!"

Grabbing her small wrist, she gently gave her a tug to get off the bed.

In silence, Hermione dreadfully followed to the Professor's office. Upon entering, she nervously sat down on the seat in front of the mahogany desk and waited for her professor to speak.

Oh my goodness, I'm in so much trouble. I bet she saw my wound! How could she have known?! Why do I have to go through this? I just want to go back to bed. No, I want to see- NO STOP! Stop thinking that! Hurting yourself is bad. . . But it felt so right.

Minerva took in a deep breath before starting, "Miss Granger I am not going to hide the fact that I know you hurt yourself." She noticed Hermione was going to argue, "Do not deny it, child."

Hermione felt as if her heart stopped.

She's going to send me away! She's disgusted in me. I am going to be expelled! Dad will be disgusted in me. . .

Sensing her panic, Minerva came around her desk to sit beside her, "Are you wondering how I know this as the truth?"

Meekly, Hermione slowly nodded her head. She felt ashamed and refused to meet her Head of House's eyes.

Sighing, Minerva placed a gentle hand on the girl's shoulder and gave a reassuring squeeze, "First off, I want you to know that you will be okay. You are not in trouble, dear. Now, I know because I've been worried about you. I know you have not been handling the stress of all your classes very well. I told Headmaster Dumbledore when he gave you the time-turner that if you were struggling I would take the device from you and put you into a normal schedule. When I saw you struggling I tried to do just that but he refused and told me to have more faith in you. Do not get me wrong, Hermione, I have a lot of faith in you. I just also know that everyone has their breaking points and I was fearful of yours. Therefore, just to ease my mind, I placed a spell on you that Madam Pomfrey uses on her wards. The spell told me if you hurt yourself." Seeing Hermione's look she said, "Yes, I know you hurt yourself earlier as well but when I arrived to your bedroom you were asleep so I figured this talk could wait until the morning."

"May I see your wound? Is it cleaned yet?" Minerva asked her after a few minutes of awkward silence.

Hermione bit her lip but shook her head in denial.

Minerva patted her arm, "It's okay, dear, just show me so I can help."

This time her head shake was more forceful, "No. You're going to send me away!"

It was Minerva's turn to shake her head in denial, "You will not be sent away, Hermione. However, if this becomes worse and more dangerous you will be. I have to look out for what's best for you, sweetie. Self-harm is not considered a suicide attempt. Self-harm is trying to get your problems under control. It is a way people try to gain control of their lives again. Now that I said that though, you must realize though that just because it is not a suicide attempt does not mean that it is not just as dangerous. I want to keep you safe."

Hermione stared a hole into the floor as she continued to play with the hem of her shirt, "So what are you going to do?"

"I am going to continue to watch you. I am going to go to the Headmaster and insist he put you back into a normal third year schedule"

"NO!" Hermione interrupted as if horrified.

Sighing, Minerva patted her hand again, "You do not have a choice in this, Hermione. This is for your safety. Now, also to keep you safe I want you to feel comfortable coming to me when you want to hurt yourself. I am not a therapist, no, but I am your Head of House, and therefore, I do care about you. My private chambers door is always open for you at all hours. I am going to help you find healthier coping skills."

Hermione didn't know if she should thank her or scream at her so she stayed silent.

Minerva continued, "In the morning I am going to get ahold of your mother and father."

"No please don't," Hermione whispered in such a broken voice it broke Minerva's heart.

"They are your parents, Miss Granger, they will want to know," Minerva reminded her.

Hermione shook her head, "They won't understand. Please don't tell them."

Minerva sighed, "I have to."

Hermione glared at her, "I only did it twice! Why does that even matter? For Merlin's sake just leave me alone!" She stood and ran to the office door to leave but Minerva was one step ahead of her and flicked her wand to lock the door. Spinning on her heel to glare at her professor she snapped, "Why are you doing this? Are there not enough students for you to pry into their lives? It was TWO times!"

Minerva didn't stand from her seated position but said, "Young lady have a seat and we can continue in civil tones to each other."

"CIVIL TONES MY ASS!" Shocked at what just came out of her own mouth, Hermione's eyes went wide and she covered her mouth with her hand.

Slowly standing from her chair, Minerva pointed to the seat beside her and said in a cool tone, "Hermione Jean Granger you will have a seat. Once seated I would like you to take three deep breaths, close your eyes, and focus on something you enjoy. Once you are calm we may continue."

Hermione didn't move a muscle.

Minerva gave a thrust of her finger to point at the chair one more time, "I will not tell you again."

Slowly, Hermione moved back to the chair and sat down. She was still shocked with herself for swearing - she never swears!

Once she sat, Minerva sat down beside her and waited silently as the child followed her instructions.

After a few minutes of silence, Hermione finally peeked at her and whispered, "I'm sorry I screamed at you. I don't know what's come over me lately I just get so angry!"

Minerva nodded her head, "I will let it go this time just because I have never heard you swear before and I truly believe it will not happen again if you know what is best for you."

Hermione quickly took the threat as it was and said, "It won't happen again Professor McGonagall. I'm really sorry."

Minerva accepted her apology then moved on in their conversation, "I will teach you coping skills for your anger, depression, anxiety, and anything else you want coping skills for. Being Head of House I had to get a degree in psychology if anything like this happens, so you are in good hands."

Hermione bit her lip but nodded her head. Shame bubbled in her stomach causing her to feel sick. "May I go back to bed now?"

Minerva sadly shook her head, "We need to take care of that wound, dear. Come, we'll go to Madam Pomfrey."

Hermione refused to stand with her and shook her head, "Please can you just do it?"

Minerva sighed. She quickly noted that Hermione will not make this easy on her. Crouching down in front of the girl, Minerva rolled her pant leg up as she said, "I will clean it and dress it but in the morning I will have to tell Madam Pomfrey."

Hermione realized arguing wouldn't get her anywhere on that case so she simply nodded her head.

After the wound was fixed up, Minerva walked Hermione back to her bedroom. On the way to the room Minerva reminded her that she spell is still on her and that if she needs anything to come to her.

Once Professor McGonagall was gone, Hermione curled in a tight ball under her blankets to hide her tears of shame, guilt, and confusion.

I just want to disappear. . .

A/N: Originally I was planning this to be a one-shot but I am going to let that up to you. Let me know what you think!

Thanks for reading,

Severus Addicted

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