❝ Fᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ Fᴜᴛᴜʀᴇ ❞
... ❝ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ɪs ɴᴏ Fᴜᴛᴜʀᴇ ❞
Inhale... that was the most difficult thing to do, it seemed. His breaths were shaky, uneven, too shallow; and despite being in the deserted locker room, alone in the calm, still, suffocating darkness with an equally submerging crowd in the stadium outside, his heart was pounding as if the race had already begun.
And in a way, it truly had. The push and pull, the endless merry-go-round of feeling trapped inside of his own supposedly dream, never completely stopped. The need for air when trapped entirely under icy water, unable to take a breath. The aching in his bones that needed to prove that he was something, never went away. The internal feeling of dread that was eating at him whenever he thought of Haru or swimming or the infuriating mixture of both made Rin want to crush his fist against the locker door until his own knuckles bled – anything to escape feeling totally engulfed in... in whatever this stupid need was to make sure he was living his dad's dream, with nobody, Haru, to get in his way.
Exhale... Swimming was an outlet, or... at least it was. Swimming kept is mind off his own unwilling thoughts, but his brain didn't stop when he leapt of the podium into the water – not anymore. It followed him to the world he thought was untouchable, where he was free. But nothing was easy anymore, and every race, every dive, every moment in or outside of the water, he was overcome.
"What will satisfy you?!" Ryugazaki had screamed days ago, inches away from his face, baring down and unleashing anger and grief upon Mastuoka that he didn't have the right to feel... but everything he'd said, Rin deserved. He'd answered Rei's two questions last night, but now, sitting on the locker room bench, shaking uncontrollably, sweaty and heart pounding, he didn't know if they were true anymore. They were last night; but today was today. What will satisfy him? He'd won against Haru, and that felt exhilarating, seeing his former teammate's face of shock when Rin told Haru words he'd wanted to say all along... but ever since seeing the new Iwatobi swim member show up at Samezuka, Rin's own words from years ago had mixed in with Rei's, that not even last night could silence. They haunted him mercilessly.
"I want us to become the best team at the tournament. I want to swim with them as a member of that team." That phrase... it reminded him so perfectly well of, "I hope that we can also become a great team!". He'd told the three of them, his friends, Makoto, Nagisa, Haru that before their first relay – but now, those words ever coming from his mouth seemed so foreign, Rin doubted if he even said them at all.
Inhale... This cut-churning feeling of entrapment was so heavy, even breathing was suffocating. He was taking in air too quickly as if it would run out, which – for Rin – wasn't so non-plausible. It felt like gasping for oxygen, only seconds after the moments a swimmer would be underwater, or forgetting to take a breath in freestyle, so you'd be struggling a second longer to continue without oxygen while the other swimmers would be gliding right passed.
Don't think about that... he forced his brain to tell itself. Thinking was the root to all his problems, and dammit he needed quietness in what seemed like the black void encasing him and the endless sound of white noise filling his ears. You have a 100m freestyle race in 5 minutes, man. Get ahold of yourself!...
Exhale... He stared at the old photograph of his father, young, proud, happy just like Rin used to be. It was a reminder of everything that he had lost: his friends, his dream – his father's dream, his father entirely, swimming, Haruka, his freedom. He wanted what Haru had, that sensation of freedom within the water, a future that could be anything he wanted, true friends and teammates to race and win with.
With a snarl, grinding sharp teeth together painfully, Rin slammed the locker door closed with the photo inside, forcefully, purposely, eyes stinging with unshed tears. The other lockers shook for a few seconds at the sudden force, but stilled as Rin stepped back, panting in anger, fear or hopelessness.
He just failed to see how it all mattered anymore. There was no one to swim for, to swim with. No reason he could possibly win. No fucking need to fulfill his dad's dream anymore. He didn't want to swim the 100m freestyle, he didn't want to swim in the Samezuka relay, truthfully, subconsciously. He wanted... wanted the pressure in his head and chest to release. He wanted somebody there, but no one at all at the same time... he wanted it to stop, this stupid mental merry-go-round of smothering pointless thoughts. You don't get anything in life just because you want it. You make it happen.
Inhale... And so very slightly, trepidation covering the atmosphere, something caught his eye. For the first few seconds he took sight of the small, white, plastic bottle, and the static, ear-piecing noise evaporated, leaving complete stillness. It was only a tube, lying discarded and forgotten at the bottom of his swim bag. They were anxiety meds, Rin distantly remembered, his own prescribed pills from years and years ago. They were to help him deal with the stress and depression that he felt when living in a foreign country, away from home. He never took them, not consistently or for long, away. They made him feel sluggish, tired, and affected his swimming too much, Rin never took them when he was supposed to. He supposed they'd just always been there, untouched, forgotten in his swim bag... well, until now.
He grabbed them quickly from the bag on the bench, as if simply holding them was something wrong. It was, he knew inside, using them in a way he was about to... but he couldn't care less. He emptied the light bottle in his hand, shuffling the small capsules in his palm. He didn't think about it anymore after that, choosing to simply swallow definitely more than what he should have. Before, he hated the tiredness and stillness and emptiness that came with these pills, but today he welcomed it, terrified of the chaotic screaming thoughts that would return.
He wanted to be free, Rin told himself as he sank down to the floor against the lockers. This was his way to freedom... He was choosing his own future, not chasing a dream as his father's son or as Haru's rival, but as his own person.
This wasn't what he intended for himself, not how he saw the end playing out; but it was his own choice, his path, and he could live with that... the irony in his decision, he didn't pick life.
...TBC...