Amanda

between 10 and 11 that warm Sunday night in August my blonde, thin 14 year old twin sister Louisa and I were arguing in the cold, medium size kitchen, a few feet away from each other. We were arguing about my handling of my eating disorder and our 15 year old sister Kate's disease which was cancer. It was getting late. Our sisters Ashley, 17 and Hannah, 16 had been home since 10 and our other sisters Rose and Lily both 16 had been home since 8.

As usual I hadn't eaten dinner.

Ashley, who was built, blonde and taller than we were, wafted through the room not saying a word. She went to the white fridge and taking out a large green bottle of Canada Dry marked 'Kate' in black Sharpie. The fact that she was so focused on getting the soda made it clear it was about Kate and not us. Kate was probably sick again which is why Ashley'd gotten the Canada dry out of the fridge. It was for Kate's nausea. Kate got nauseous a lot because of her leukemia. She'd been diagnosed when she was 2. We also had cranberry juice for that same purpose. she stayed quiet because she was letting us work things out on our own. I felt rather than heard Ashley take the soda out. The fridge door quickly closed. After, she went back upstairs. This happened a lot which was how I knew without looking.

I was annoyed that it was about Kate and not us but it was seemingly always about Kate.

When Mom, who was a psychologist wasn't at the house and we weren't sure where Dad who was an artist was. Ashley took over kept things together. And when Ashley wasn't here our 16 year old sister Alexa took over.

"No Amanda. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself!" Louisa shouted to me leaning forward.

She was commanding.

"Well, what if I want to?" I countered back also leaning forward.

I was defiant. And like a lot of 14 year olds I didn't like being told what to do.

"Do you want to die? End up like Kate?"

I already was slowly dying but other than our older brother Evan no one seemed to take much notice. I'd had my eating disorder which I'd had for a year now ever since I found out about….the secret. Ever since I knew what happened to me. This was the reason I was dying.

"I don't have cancer! She does. Hers is purely physical," I pointed out.

"Yeah well, you have some of the same symptoms."

I knew Louisa was right. Both Kate and I had nausea and dizziness.

"She doesn't have a choice. I do," I said.

"Well, not any more," Louisa told me quietly.

She was right.

When Louisa told me she wasn't going to let me do this to myself she meant she was going to do everything she could to help me live. As was my body. It's not so much that I wanted to die as I wanted to not be here. And you wouldn't want to either if you'd been hurt the way i'd been:

It was a year ago. I was 13.

I ran out of the hotel and onto the cement sidewalk into the cold dark night. I ran down the sidewalk as far from thehotel as I could get. I kept running until I bumped into the solid body of someone tall.

"Oh," I said having no idea who I'd bumped into, "sorry."

I remembered to be polite in my time of distress.

"That's alrite," he said.

"I,um. I need to find a bathroom," I said.

My fingers itched for a razorblade.

"Ok there's one in the hotel," he told me.

"No not that hotel I can't go back there!"

"Ok ok we'll go to another one calm down," he told me putting his arm around me.

I shrugged it off: "don't you touch me!"

Although I didn't know it at the time I was already experiencing symptoms of PTSD.

His arm slipped off.

He held his hands up in defense: "ok ok."

even though I couldn't see this clearly in the dark I could feel it.

"And I'm not going to a hotel with you."

I didn't trust guys after what'd just happened to me. Understandably.

"Look, miss," he began.

"Amanda," I supplied.

"Right, Amanda. For some reason you won't go back to the hotel you just came from. Now my family and I are staying in one further up the road. Where there'r bathrooms. You comin or not? I have sisters if. That helps. At all in some way."

I now had a decision to make.

Other than the guy I'd bumped into the night it happened and 4 of Ashley's friends from the city - Lily, Reenah, Miranda and Scarlette who I'd gotten ahold of via email - no one knew about the secret. Not even Evan. Not even Louisa. It was a hard thing to tell someone and weighty too.

And by 'the city' I mean new York which was where Ashley lived up untill our parents rescued her a year ago from her abusive dad and good thing too. And then brought her here to cherry creek where we lived in Denver, CO. My mom and her friends had grown up in Connecticut dad in Rhode island. Ashley's mom had passed when she was little. They were originally from New Orleans and then moved to Brooklyn. Ashley's last name was Jenkins. She and some of our other sisters referred to Mom as 'karen' and Dad as 'jesse' being that they weren't biologically theirs.

I'd been sick lately. And not just because of the eating disorder. I'd started getting sick a month after the incident. After what happened. I didn't eat on purpose. I couldn't. why should I help something grow that was a product of something that painful? Maybe the less I ate the less i'd grow. And the less whatever was growing inside me would. it's a horrible thought I know. I'd emailed Scarlette about this and she understood. She was going through the same thing herself. Louisa walked in on me one day being sick. Asking if there was anything she could do. And i'd told her no. I wanted to deal w/ this on my own even though I knew eventually it would destroy me. Even more than it already had.

The family:

karen the mom. jesse. the dad from 'my sister's keeper'. Raven, kelly, suzanne – jesse's sisters lacy – hannah's mom jesse's friend from collehe

mark – hannah's dad jesse's friend from college

karen and jesse's adopted children

ashley – 17 hannah – 16 lily – 16 rose – 16 alexa – 16 marie – 14

the bio children

evan – 19 mandy – 14 louisa – 14 kate – 14 anna – 13

Ocs

annabelle – 23. ashley's cousin. Kaitlin – 20. annabelle's sister. Mike – 59. their dad. Susanna – 55. their mom jennifer – 41. jesse's girlfriend

tom – 20. alexa's boyfriend ben – 18 eric – 17 serena – 17 adam – 15 jake – 15

jessica – 13

Annabelle makes few appearances in this.

Jennifer Jesse's girlfriend is also 41.

Puck and Amber are 17. Brittany's 16.

Eric Hannah's guy is 17, Adam Mandy's guy is 15, Jake Kate's guy is 16. Jessica Diannas younger sister Mandy's friend is 13.

Ben's 18 and Serena's 17.