As the title may suggest, this fanfiction is about what goes on inside gamzees mind. Its a long, semi poetic piece about the way Gamzee feels and thinks and about his outlook on the world. I don't know, its like, 4 in the morning, and im really tired and this is when I get most of my inspiration. Based of a speech thingy I heard at a convention.
! I do not own homestuck in anyway!
I've always seen the world, a bit differently. My outlook on life and such as always been a bit warped. I've always been able to find the magic and the miracles in everything. I've been told the things I see in this world aren't really there and that my think pan is broken.
I've been told that the way I see the world is fake and unrealistic. I've been told that my version of the world is broken, but I don't know man, maybe its just better? Like, I can see the miracles in everything, From the way the shadows dance in beautiful bliss and the whispers of the music in my ears that lull me to sleep at night, to the beautiful colors that arise after a rainy day. There al miracles to me, you just don't see them the way I do. you don't see as I do, you do hear what I do, feel, speak, touch and think like I do.
I'm sorry, there I go, rambling again, talking to nobody but myself, cuz I know you aint listening anymore. I ramble, and I talk about things that nobody but me can under stand, nobody but me cares about, and sometimes, no body but me can even here. And I'm still doing it. Talking, about things that don't matter, that have no effect on anything in this world. Just like me, my words mean nothing, and never will, because in a few minutes, you'll just forget anyway.
I've been told what I say sometimes doesn't make since, that the things I see are all in my mind, that my outlook on life is, what's the word? Oh yeah, crazy. I've been told that my think pan is broken and empty, and that im useless, and everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. Is it true? sometimes I think it is, that my friend would be happier if I was gone, that no one would ask, or even care that I just disappeared. But is my think pan broken? just because I see the beauty, even when it isn't there! Even though my mind wonders, and I can't focus, does that mean my think pans empty?
I'd personally like to think my mind as half full, that means there's room, room for better things right? There's room for beauty and miracle, threes room for better things, better thought, thoughts that may one day be put into motion and fuel change, right? Change that will make you see the things I do, make you believe in the miracles, make you see the beauty and colors that fill our world. That why its half empty, that just means there's room, and I'm not grounded and limited to one idea, one thought, one way of life.
Speaking of change, there's been a lot of that going around lately. In the world, in my friends, and especially in myself. You see, I've spotted eating the spoor, and I've gotten rid of all the wicked elixir, and I cant tell anymore, if I know where I'm going, if the beauty's still there, and if my thoughts are more clear, or more jumbled, more blurry and frightening then they've ever been. I can't tell if I surrounded by the dark or if the light is just blinding.
I tried, I tried so hard to talk with my friends about it, I've tried to make them see the light that I do, but they never listen to me, they all think im crazy, and that okay, I don't want to scare them anyway. Their not ready for my miracles, or my thoughts, there not ready to accept my truth, and that's okay to.
but you see, my thoughts have changed, and its like I'm not in control anymore. I cant control the miracles, the colors, the light and the dark that both dance in synchrony in my mind. I'm not in control of my own think pan anymore, and these thoughts, they wash over me in flashes, flashes of things that don't feel right, that I don't want to feel, that I don't want to see or think, and it just doesn't make since to me . They flash in bright colors and complete dark, and then they're gone, and I cant tell if I cant wait for them to be over, or I miss them when they do.
These flashes, these thoughts, the feeling that arisen in my scare me more then the flashes themselves do. The rage, the anger, the way they make me lose myself to myself, they way they twist my words into something vile and gross. The way they stomp out my miracles and take away the beauty I once saw in everything, the way these thought turn me on myself scare me and anger me beyond all belief. The thought that are inserted into my head and then twisted ad made my own, the way I lose all control frightens, and the worst thing of all is, no ne sees it coming.
No one but me can see the wicked messages written on the walls, no one sees because no one listens. No one takes me seriously, no one takes my words to heart, no one understands, and soon, it'll be to late.
I'm not going to pretend I know what's happening to me, I'm not going to lie and say that I do because I don't, and that scares me. I don't know whats going on with me, but I think I will, I think that the miracles will come back, and I'll finally understand, and I think when I do, everyone else will to.