Hi everyone. I came up with this in like, 45 minutes today when I was supposed to be learning. Someone mentioned to me that Brittany isn't a toddler. And that she's not stupid. Hey, guess what? I agree entirely! I always have. In fact, I think she's incredibly smart.
This is basically AU from the amount of liberties I've taken. I'd go head and say it takes place in the same semi-AU world created in my other (ongoing) work, Fix You. This one is from Santana's POV, and the person she's addressing is entirely up to you.
A Note to the Haters
A lot of people think Brittany's stupid. She knows this, I know it, hell-everyone knows that everyone thinks she's an idiot. Those glee losers - yeah, they're kind of our friends- they treat her like she's retarded, unless they need her for something. Then they play all nice, talk to her in a way I wouldn't talk to Quinn's kid, and everything is peachy fine. Because she's stupid and can't figure them out. Whatever.
Let me tell you something. Brittany's no idiot. She can see right through your damn charades and fake understanding. The real idiot is you, and the singing mouth breathers, and everyone else who falls for her act. Brittany has the biggest heart of anyone I know. Just like Rachel Berry has the biggest mouth. Anyway. Brittany generally avoids trying to offend people and really, I seriously think she wants to try to make the world be that happy place she lives in.
But she's not delusional. I think that sometimes she's even more cunning than I am. And for the record? That's a point of pride for me. The difference between the two of us is that I tell it how it is. I'm a straight-up bitch; that's how I work.
Brittany charms and disarms. She's so sneaky that no one even realizes how much power she has. She doesn't need me to protect her - that's mostly for show. That and, you know, popular kids are way more effective in multiples. That's probably half the reason Berry is at the bottom of the totem pole.
Even without me, no one would slushie her. The jocks have no issue tossing a slushie on me in the hallway when I'm with her, but she's never even been splashed by one. I'm telling you - charmed and disarmed.
Okay, so she's totally repeating her senior year. Only happens to stupid people, yeah? Think again. There is no possible way to have a 0.0 GPA. My girl Britt is prone to exaggeration. But hey, who's not? Failing that badly is embarrassing enough, so why not make it sound worse than it is? She could become a legend as the only student at McKinley High School to earn that GPA.
So she skipped class. Like, a lot. Hell, I was usually skipping with her. You know why she skipped so much? She was bored. We're treated like cattle, presumed to be on the same level unless we're egg-headed brainiacs. So not fair. We don't all learn best in group settings.
Yeah, we skipped class - to go outside, or to that dark corner of the library with all those ancient encyclopedias that no one cares about. And yeah, there were totally lady kisses, but that's not why we ditched. We pulled our homework, our worksheets, and those gawdawful textbooks - and we freakin' educated ourselves.
It's so much easier to learn when you don't have moronic classmates asking stupid questions, or lame-ass wannabe teachers pretending they have any control over anything.
Britt knew everything she needed to know. Her only fault there was that, while I'd generally scramble back to class for the last ten minutes, she just didn't see the need. I tried to get her to, but the only boss of Brittany is Brittany.
When she did go to class, the teachers treated her horribly. So she did what anyone else would do: she gave the teachers ridiculous answers. Or, seemingly ridiculous anyway.
Like, one time last year, Mrs Hagberg had the audacity to ask our US History class what the freaking capital of Ohio was. I'm pretty sure any Ohioan over the age of five could tell you that. So Britt got creative and told her "O." Not the answer the old bat was looking for, obviously. But technically she wasn't wrong. You know how all those so-called mature adults keep telling us that "respect is earned"? Yeah, well guess what? That works both ways.
Where was I? Oh. Brittany didn't get held back because she didn't know anything. She got held back because she was smart enough to realize that her learning environment sucked. And, you know, attendance issues.
So now that I've explained to you that my girlfriend is likely smarter than you... Wait. Hold up, what? So what if she's been quoted saying ridiculous things? Don't you say ridiculous things? No? News flash- you just did. Now have a seat so's Auntie Tana can get you a cup of This is How it is.
Brittany is amazingly creative. She's got all of these things she says, where- can you shut up for one second? And where are you getting these craptastic questions, Jewfro's blog? Pay attention!
So you think that just because Brittany has trouble with recipes, she's incompetent? Reality check. She stores everything in her head. She knows what she needs, and how to prepare what she's got. So she gets confused by some of the wording in recipes. Big freakin' deal. She's the best cook in Lima.
Have I mentioned that my girl loves word games? Go ahead and ask her what a ballad is. Or a duet. Why'd she say a duck, or blanket? Because you bore her and she's making her own fun by screwing with your mind. Don't take my word for it, ask her who Christopher Cross is. Watch her give the wrong answer. Better yet, watch Finncompetent agree wholeheartedly.
She's also sarcastic! Not bitingly so, like most of us, which is why she gets it past you time and again. Adding sand to her food, confusing that traitor with the hair for Mr Schue's son. Hell, that summer she got "lost in the sewers"? She was on vacation in Mexico. I would know; I was there.
Anyway, point is. Stop taking her so seriously. You never take her seriously any other time, so why make the exception?
All right, I gots class in like twenty minutes. Last round, but most important.
Brittany loves her friends. I know you already know that, so stop rolling your eyes afores I puts the smackdown on you. If this wasn't so important, you'd at least have a black eye right now.
Remember that time she made that card for Lady Hummel's dad when he had that heart attack? And that report she wrote in crayon? Yeah, that wasn't a report. It was all her feelings written onto a card. And then she ran out of space, so she made several cards, stapled them together, called it a report, and then made him an actual card. How many of your friends have done that for you?oh right. You don't have any friends.
Not good enough for you? Though she'll let you think otherwise, she knows the alphabet. In English and in Spanish. When she told that incompetent principal that Mr Schue taught her the second half, she was trying to help save the guy's job. She told me so. She said if she made it look like he'd had some sort of remarkable breakthrough with her, he'd be fine. But since everyone thinks she's an idiot, she was totally taken seriously.
And hey, before I run off to my class, did I mention that my brilliant girlfriend wrote the essay that got me my scholarship? If she's stupid, I don't even know what to call you.