A/N: I have finally returned, after a four year hiatus. My writing has changed (personally, I think it's for the better) dramatically from my first story. Enjoy, and tell me what you think.

Title: Cousins

Chapter: The Problem

Chapter Rating: K

Disclaimer: Not mine.

It happened.

I don't know how, or why, or when, but it happened. And I have no idea what to do about it.

I am in love with my cousin.

My very male cousin.

Okay well, he isn't my real cousin. I'm adopted, so he really has no blood relation to me at all. He's the son of my dad's distant (but still in frequent contact with us) relative. So I guess that makes it better, sort of.

Except not really, because he's still a he. And that wouldn't be a problem, except that I'm also a he.

The thing is, I don't really consider myself gay. When I think of myself as gay, I imagine this girly, sassy, fashionista version of myself, and that's not me at all. I have never felt any sort of attraction past platonic feelings for any other male in my life. I work out regularly, but I have never once worried about my hips or my thighs or what I should and shouldn't be eating. I still want girls to think I'm gorgeous. And I still find girls extremely attractive. I'm not gay.

But for some reason, whenever my cousin is around, my stomach kind of flips, and I can't help wanting to be around him, to please him, to make him smile and laugh. I want him to like me, I want him to think I'm hot, I want him to admire me. I want to comfort him and be there for him when no one else is. I want to be someone no one else can compare to in his eyes.

I realize that you could make a fantastically delicious lasagna with all the cheese I just spilled out there, but I don't think there is a cheese-free way of verbally expressing the way you feel about someone you love. Not if you want to express it right, anyway.

Now, my cousin and I are actually very close, which would be good, except it isn't. We grew up in the same town, went to the same schools, and know mostly the same people. We even spend a good amount of time with each other outside of school, since my dad works in the ER as a surgeon and sometimes gets held up there for indefinite amounts of time. When that happens, I usually just crash at my cousin's place, since the house gets boring pretty fast if I'm in it alone. My cousin does the same thing when his dad is off being the director of the FBI all night. Plus, he is really good at math, so I usually get him to help me with my homework in exchange for help with computer programming, since that's the one class he does not do spectacularly in.

So, we're close. What's bad about that?

Well, here's the thing. It can be kind of exhausting pretending to act normal and platonic around someone you want to be with. You have to keep reminding yourself about silly little things that wouldn't matter with another person. Like for example, I always have to remember not to stare too long when he isn't looking. It's not that I'm mesmerized or anything, that kind of crap is for the movies; I just like looking at him. Sometimes I also have to remind myself not to linger too long if I do something that involves touching him, like when i tap his shoulder to get his attention, or when my leg accidentally brushes his under the table while we're doing homework.

And then there is the burning. That simultaneously awful and wonderful burning desire that you only feel for someone you desperately want but know you can't have. It's the feeling that makes me want to be impossibly close to my cousin, that makes me so curious to know what he tastes like, how warm he is, how he looks when he's consumed by that same burning feeling for me.

Alright, you're drowning in a puddle of gooey cheese, I get it. But I figure if I'm going to explain it, I may as well do it accurately.

My cousin, helpful as he is, happens to have this habit (for lack of a better word) that puts me on an awkward fence between wanting to punch him for it and wanting to encourage him to do it more.

He's kind of a touchy-feely sort of person.

I don't mean that in a girly way; it's not like he greets all his friends with hugs and kisses, and he certainly doesn't go out of his way to be in physical contact with just anybody. His touchy quirks are reserved for his closest inner circle, which consists of his family, me, and a couple of our closest friends. I always sort of figured it was just his way of acknowledging that we mean more to him than the average person.

Like when we watch movies for example; he almost always sits on the floor with his back against someone's legs. Or if we're studying, he pokes my sides when he gets bored, because he knows I'm ticklish. Small things like that, things that appear normal to anyone else but we know better because we know he reserves it for special people.

And that would be fine, except that those small, fleeting touches, while appreciated, just make the burning sensation that much stronger. At least in my case.

I don't know how to handle being in love with him. I haven't even begun to figure out how or why or when it all happened, and I just feel like I don't remember how to be in my own body around him.

Speak of the relative; he just texted me. He says his dad will be out tonight and wants to know if he can crash here. I say yes, of course, and he sys he'll be over in a couple of hours.

In the meantime, maybe I should just take a deep breath, get some snacks (maybe nachos, to help get rid of all the cheese?) and think this through.

I guess I should start at the beginning.

Oh, I almost forgot: my cousin's name is Sasuke.