Skwisgaar sat on his bed, strumming his guitar in silence. He was feeling a bit out of it lately. Even in practice and recording, he was screwing up his solos. That wasn't something that usually happened, but it seems as if him messing up was becoming a weird bad habit. So much for "Fastest Guitarist In the World."
He hadn't been eating much either. He didn't eat as much as Nathan or Murderface or Pickles (when he was high on whatever possible drug) usually, just enough to fill him up. The Swede found himself giving most of his plate to Toki, who would give a small smile and casually chomp down on his second plate of food.
What was the worst and the most definite sign that something was off about Skwisgaar: the thought of a good hump with a groupie (or several) wasn't that appealing or exciting. After more recent performances, Skwisgaar listened to the disappointed whines of eager women as he would turn away and go wash off his makeup and turn in for the night.
"Dude, are you okay?" Pickles would ask usually, when he saw Skwisgaar turn away from the women.
"Ja, I's fine," Skwisgaar would respond. "Yous can haves them. I's not ams wantingks humps tonight. Just tireds."
He sighed to himself and set his guitar down, opting to simply lie down on his bed. "What ams wrongs with me?" he asked himself. "Nothingks ams excitings no mores." He turned on his side, and brushed the empty space next to himself with his hand. "This space needs fillings, buts I don'ts wants no horny slut groupies here." Skwisgaar sighed again.
After coming to America and joining Dethklok, he had heard the phrase "Too much of a good thing can be bad," or something like that. Ofdensen said it at times, too.
"Haves I reached the 'too much ofs goods thing' point?" the guitarist asked himself. 'Haves I hads too much ofs the indulgenskes?" He sat back up, shaking the ridiculous idea from his head. There was no fucking way that he could rid himself of indulgences. He loved spending insane amounts of money on things he didn't need. That was for sure.
No, there was never too much of that. No. There was not enough. There was some void that was left unfilled. Something that 400 women per fortnight couldn't fill. What was it though? What? Wha-
"Skwisgaar?" Said man turned his head to the door of his bedroom. In the doorway stood Toki, standing awkwardly with one arm holding on to the other.
"Oh," Skwisgaar turned his head away from Toki, feeling as awkward he stood. "What does yous be wantings?"
Toki looked down on the ground, avoiding eye contact like Skwisgaar was, and said, "Its ams nothins, just, Ofdendens calleds a meetins and tolds me to come get yous is all." Toki remained in the same position for a few more seconds before wordlessly walking away, not even seeing if Skwisgaar would come.
Something is wrong with Toki, too, Skwisgaar thought in his native tongue. Is he having the same trouble? He wondered. He looked at the time on his dethphone. 15:00pm. The usual meeting time. He walked over to his bathroom. Ofdensen could wait a few minutes for him. The CFO always did when there was at least one of them running late. That man could act like such a mother to that band sometimes. Better mother than mine though, he thought to himself as he looked to make sure there was nothing disgusting about his appearance.
A few minutes later, he sat himself down at the meeting table in his usual spot next to Toki. Ofdensen noted Skwisgaar's presence and promptly began the meeting. Though as like any other meeting, it got disrupted by one of the other members talking about something "more important."
"Hey Toki!" Nathan shouted across the table, ignoring Ofdensen's disgruntled sighs. "Did you see the Dethklok minute on TV today?"
"Eh, wasn'ts payins attentions really," Toki shrugged quietly.
"Oh dude, it was brutal!" Nathan said. "That guy was saying how you might be gay or something, because out of all of us, you're the one that has had-"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan..." Ofdensen interrupted before Nathan could take that sentence any further. "Do you really think it's appropriate to be discussing Toki's... intimate life at the meeting table right now?"
"Actschually, it ischnt," Murderface said.
"Thank you, Murderface." The CFO looked at the bassist with a glance of approval for once at the meeting table.
"Now what I want to know," Murderface continued, "isch why the Dethklok Minute never doesch a piesche about my intimate life!" The glance of approval made its swift exit from Ofdensen's face. "I mean, itsch totally a thing to talk about! Well, juscht lascht week a bunch of groupiesch schowed me their boobs after a schow, and then one wasch all, 'Oh Murderfasche, take me to your bed!' And then I humped her schooooo hard it wasch aweschome."
A dead silence panned over the meeting table. Pickles was the first to speak after a few seconds. "Dude, Murderface, that has to be the worst lie you have ever told us."
"I'm scheriousch!" Murderface shouted. "It totally happened! Nathan you were right there, tell me you didn't schee that happening!"
"Actually Murderface, it didn't happen. They were showing me their boobs, and you were just standing next to me, and then you just made that last piece of bullshit up."
"Well, itsch nische to know that I have schomeone to back me up in timesch like thisch!" Murderface flailed his arms in the air before crossing him across his chest and slumping over in his chair.
"Anyways, we were talking about Tok-" Ofdensen covered his mouth and realized his mistake too late, not even sure what possessed him to even think about bringing the subject back to life.
"Oh right!" Nathan shouted again. "The Dethklok minute says you're gay, Toki. Is there something you're not telling us? Are you gay?"
Skwisgaar looked over to Toki in worry. He never thought about the possibility before, not even after that incident with the online dating service, but the question did raise in his own mind now.
Ofdensen pushed up his glasses to his face and said with an undertone of frustration, "Nathan, what in the world would give you any clue about Toki's sexuality? Why is this even an issue right now?"
"Ja, Nathans, leaves hims alones," Skwisgaar spoke defensively. Everyone else stared back at him in awe. Skwisgaar wondered whether it was because those were the first words he said at the meeting, or because, for once, he actually defended Toki. Why did I do that? Skwisgaar thought to himself. Usually he was the one who, more than the rest of the band, made an effort to treat Toki like shit. Yet here he was, defending him. He just looked away from the rest of them, acting like he didn't care. And Nathan continued, despite Skwisgaar's remark.
"I'm just saying, have you seen him have an even slightly successful relationship with a woman?" Nathan said it as if Toki wasn't even there.
"Nathans, ams you ones to be sayins that kinds of question?" Toki remarked back apathetically yet bitterly.
"Ooooh, he burned you dude!" Pickles laughed.
"Hey, shut up, now!" The singer defensively replied. "I haven't had a successful relationship-"
"Or schtable." Murderface added in.
"Yeah, OR stable relationship with a woman, because all the women I date are... you know how they are!" Even though they knew Nathan's situation with dating all too well, Pickles, Murderface, and even Ofdensen had to chuckle to themselves. "Well fuck you guys too. Weren't we talking about Toki?"
"Dude, Nathan, why are you so obsessed with Toki being gay? Or... Not gay..." Pickles said, concerned.
"Yeah, Nathan!" Murderface spat (quite literally). "Maybe you juscht don't want to outright admit that you're the gay one here, and you juscht want to know if Toki isch gay, becausche secretly, you are gay for Toki!" Ofdensen took a moment to cover his face in embarrassment and wonder why he let this conversation take the path that it did. Murderface walked over to Nathan and leaned in an uncomfortable distance. "Isch that it Nathan? Are you gay for Toki?"
Before Nathan could answer a very vocal, "No!" Toki stood up and walked out of the room, mumbling something about "Not ams feelins very wells." Skwisgaar stood, too, and walked after him. Before he left the room, he looked at the remaining people at the table and said sharply, "Well, that's a goods jobs done there! Yous ams assholes and now Tokis ams sicks cause of yous!" And then he slammed the door behind him.
Another silence, this time awkward, fell over the table. Ofdensen took a heavy intake of breath before saying, "Great guys, you realize that you're going to have to apologize to them so that we can move forward with this meeting."
"Yeah, I kind of feel like a huge asshole right now," Nathan said looking down at the table, and ignoring the fact that Murderface still stood next to him, only not so uncomfortably close. Murderface himself really didn't know if he should go sit back down or remain standing.
"Dude, I'm pretty worried about both of them," Pickles said. "I mean, who cares if Toki is gay. If he's sick, I just hope he gets better because I'd hate to have to get another replacement guitarist." Everyone nodded in agreement there. "I'm really worried about Skwisgaar though, guys. Have you noticed he's been acting a little weird?" Everyone nodded once more.
"He's not eating a lot," Nathan said. "He usually just gives his food to Toki or something."
"He's been messing up his solos a lot during practice," Pickles continued. "We usually have to take five after going through the same part of a song like a million times. I mean, our old stuff, he's doing okay with since he already knows it, but it's new stuff we're writing that he's not grasping at all!"
"And I have noticed that uh," Ofdensen awkwardly followed, "he has had a lot less, uh, female accompaniment these past few weeks."
"Dude, I don't think he'sch getting any women in hisch room at all!" Murderface said.
"He hasn't!" Pickles confirmed. "I ask him if he's feeling okay and he just says he's tired. It's weird."
"Anyone else notice that he has been a lot less of a dick to Toki lately, too?" Nathan added. Now that they all thought about it for a second, yeah, they did. Everyone knew that Skwisgaar would be the first one to put Toki down about his guitar playing skills; how he's not very good, how he can't do solos, how he never practices, and so on. But lately he hadn't been saying much of that at all, and just now at the table, he went so far as defending Toki.
"We really need to apologize and find out what's up," Nathan said, looking up conclusively. Ofdensen nodded in agreement, smiling. "We can't let this continue. The band and our record sales are going to suffer if Skwisgaar is going to keep feeling like shit or something, and if Toki is... whatever Toki is right now." Murderface was going to add in something about his own perpetual self-hatred and how the band is doing fine already, but Nathan cut him off and said, "Let's find them!"
While that conversation was happening, Skwisgaar walked down the hall and followed Toki to his room. He noticed one of the Klokateers walked up to his fellow guitarist and asked if there was anything they could get for him. "Nos thanks yous," Toki refused politely. "I's just needs some rest." The Klokateer nodded in understanding before walking in the opposite direction, probably to get some medicine anyways just in case. Skwisgaar watched as Toki walked into his room with his head hung low. He knitted his eyebrows in worry as he followed him. The door was already shut though when Skwisgaar reached the doorway. He knocked his knuckle firmly against the mahogany wood.
"I's fine, I just needs rests!" Toki shouted from inside. He must have thought that it was the same Klokateer.
"No, Toki, it ams Skwisgaar!" the blonde replied back. There was only silence from the other side of the door now. "Cans I comes ins?" He was only met with the reply of more silence. He walked in anyway.
Toki was lying on his bed with his back facing Skwisgaar, and he was clutching Deddybear in his arms. Skwisgaar was unsure of what to say now. "Uh, Toki," he rubbed his hand on the back of his neck. "I'm sorry thats Nathans ams such an asshole likes how he was at the meetingks."
Toki looked up and faced him, still holding his Deddybear in his hand. Skwisgaar noticed from the swollen cheeks that he was crying. About what though? Did what Nathan said earlier hurt him that much?
"What ams wrongs with you?" Toki spat harshly with a suspicious look on his face. Whoa dude.
"Whats does you be meaningks?"
Toki rubbed his eyes and continued, "You ams always such an assholes to me! Ever since I first mets you, I always lookeds ups to you! I's always thinks, 'Wowee, Skwisgaar ams so cools! I wants to be likes him!'" Skwisgaar looked down at the floor really feeling like an asshole at that moment. "And then I started thinkins things abouts you that I never thought I shoulds have, buts I can'ts helps it!" That made the Swede look back up in curiosity. "Ands thens you ams a dicks to me ands yous has bunches of groupies every nights and that just mades me wants to change my minds about you buts for some stupid reasons, my stupids brains doesn'ts wants to works likes that!" He slammed his body back on the bed, back once again facing Skwisgaar.
What just happened? Skwisgaar thought to himself. He didn't expect that kind of blow-up from Toki just now. He cautiously walked over to the bed. "Tokis," he said. "Whats ams you just said?"
"I mades it clear didn'ts I?" He curled himself up, clutching Deddybear closer to his chest.
"Nots really, no." Skwisgaar looked down at the poor Norwegian's frame. He was shaking, and making a real effort to hide his face. "Tokis, whats ams goingks on?" He carefully sat down on the bed. The only response he was met with was silence, as Toki wanted to be stubborn. "Toki, I's not leavingks tills you talks to me," he firmly said.
Toki was reluctant to reply. But he took a deep breath, sniffled some and rubbed his eyes before sitting up to face Skwisgaar again. He could barely believe that he was going to open up to Skwisgaar. As previously stated, Skwisgaar was usually being an asshole to him, but since he seemed to show some genuine concern for Toki right now, he figured it couldn't hurt him anymore than what he already was feeling.
"It's just..." he immediately looked down into Deddybear's face, not feeling the courage or strength to look at Skwisgaar and be honest at the same time. "It's ams a year since my father's dieds ands..." Skwisgaar nodded, understanding. "He ams the ones who gives me the scars on my backs, but, evens though he ams dead, I wants to feel like he's not ashameds of me."
"He's not feelingks ashameds, Toki," Skwisgaar tried to reassure, putting his hand on Toki's shoulder. "He ams dead, he can'ts be feels anythingks."
"Shut up, Skwisgaar," Toki said, grabbing the hand that was on his shoulder, but not throwing it off. "Lets me finish." Skwisgaar nodded again and merely listened. Toki had to take in another deep breath before continuing. "Nathans ams right. I ams gay." Skwisgaar's eyes widened in disbelief. "My father always whip me on the backs and say thats I shoulds finds a woman to settles with when I grows old and haves many childrens so they can has grandchildrens. But nows I feels like I'm lettins him downs because I don't wants a woman, and I can'ts gives my father grandchildrens now." Skwisgaar was slowly putting the pieces together in his head; it was becoming clear to him now. But he had to ask, just to be sure.
"So whats does I haves to do withs it?" Skwisgaar asked. "You's yellingks ats me about beingks an asshole and stuff."
"Yeah, wells, you ams a dick to me alls of the time," Toki said. "I's not feelings appreciated in the band because you's always tellins me hows I sucks at playins guitar."
"Ja, ams really sorrys about that, Toki."
"There ams seriously somethins wrongs with you Skwisgaar. Why is you not beins a dick to me rights now?"
"Maybes for once I's feelingks worrieds about you, Toki. Maybe I's feels like an asshole for beingks an asshole to you."
"Thats still ams strange. Why ams you always an asshole to me Skwisgaar?" The blonde felt hesitant about being honest now, but he thought that maybe, if Toki wasn't afraid to tell Skwisgaar about his emotions, knowing full well how much of a dick Skwisgaar could be in response, then he could let Toki know that, for once, he had emotions, too.
"Is because truthfullys," now Skwisgaar had to look away in embarrassment, "...truthfullys I's afraids of you." Toki had to lean up in awe. The fastest guitarist in the world was telling mere little Toki that he was afraid of him?
"You ams afraids of me?" Toki asked. "How, though?"
Skwisgaar made a "pft" sound and said casually, "Whens we kicked Magnus out for beingks such an assholes, I started feelingks good about my guitar playingks. That guys was ams huge dick to me about guitar. Sayingks hows I can'ts never do solos, hows I never practice enoughs evens though I burn my fingers every nights to do good job at our songs, how I just sucks at guitar, hows I won'ts be good as Magnus evers. Thens you joineds the bands. Ands at first, I thoughts to myself, 'Tokis ams good, he makes goods replacements for Magnus,' but thens I remembereds how Magnus was to me and the rest of the bands, and I didn'ts wants that to happens again, so I's starteds beingks dick to you before you was dick to us. Ands also, you ams good at guitar, ok? I just didn'ts wants you to be better thans me, sos I puts you down so maybes that makes you nots as good. And I's still feels like huge dick." Skwisgaar felt a huge weight come off of his chest. But that weight lingered above his head, waiting to fall back down on him as he waited for a response.
Toki, meanwhile, could not believe what he just heard. Skwisgaar... was afraid of him. He actually thought Toki was good at guitar? And he just didn't want Toki to be a huge dick like Magnus was? He noticed, too, how the things that Magnus said to Skwisgaar were the same things Skwisgaar said to Toki. He didn't really think those things after all. He just used the same insults that were put onto him! He looked at Skwisgaar in complete awe. It made total sense now.
"Skwisgaar," he said, clutching his hand tighter onto Skwisgaar's that laid upon his shoulder still. "I's never saids whats you has to do with my father beins dead." Skwisgaar nodded. "Is because..." Toki took a deep breath. It was hard saying the next sentence for him. "Is because... I's gay... for... for you Skwisgaar." It was his turn to wait for the weight off of his chest to painfully fall back onto him.
Skwisgaar, however, said nothing for the next minute. He just looked at Toki and tried to sort out what was happening in his own head. First off, his own suspicions were right. Secondly, he was unsure if he was going to feel the same way about Toki. At this moment, the last thing he wanted to do was to be a huger dick by saying that he wasn't gay for Toki, too. But, he then considered the past weeks. Being with a girl was as appealing as lighting his favourite guitar on fire at the moment. It was too difficult considering his own sexuality and understanding exactly what he wanted at the moment.
"Toki," he said, looking into his fellow guitarist's eyes. "I's not sures if I's gay too, for you. I's... just not sures rights nows." Already, he saw the disappointment arise in Toki's eyes. "But, nots to says that ams for sures, Tokis. And... and nots to says that I's not willingks to try thingks out withs you." As quickly as he said that did Toki smile again. "Although, one thingks ams for sure... I's lonely. That ams why I's beingks weird these past weeks."
They just sat there and looked at each other, smiling. Everything was out in the open now. And neither of them felt like shit for it. This was great. Perfect, actually.
Thoughts were still swimming inside Skwisgaar's head.
And then, they both started to hesitantly lean in towards each other. Skwisgaar being the more hesitant one held himself back. However, Toki knew what he wanted, and lifted his hand off of Skwisgaar's, and leaned up to full-on kiss him.
This is what Toki has been waiting for so long now. This is what Toki has been so afraid of doing for so long because of Skwisgaar's (former?) assholery. This right now is so worth all of the waiting, Toki thought to himself.
"You doesn't needs to be afraids of me anysmore," Toki whispered against Skwisgaar's full lips with his eyes half-lidded. "I's nots afraids ofs you now."
"No, Toki," Skwisgaar whispered back. "No, I's not." He leaned into the kiss now, closing his eyes. He still wasn't completely sure of what exactly he wanted out of all this. There still were a lot of questions for Skwisgaar. He was positive Toki had a lot of time to think about this, being the one that has been left behind a lot when it came to the band's fun endeavours. All he really knew at the moment was that he felt okay now, kissing Toki on his bed.
Kissing Toki. On Toki's bed.
With Toki's arms wrapping around his waist. And kissing him. On his bed.
With Toki's tongue making a move to invade his mouth. And sitting on the bed with Toki.
With Toki making quiet moans as their tongues danced.
And the bed.
That was the one thing that Skwisgaar kept circling his thoughts back to. We're in his bed. We're in his bed. Not mine, but his. This is unfamiliar territory for me. But here we are. On Toki's bed. He began to feel afraid again. He knew that Toki said not to feel afraid but, this was Toki's territory. He could be overpowered if he made one wrong move. Even though Toki was the most timid out of the members of Dethklok, he surely was not the weakest. Skwisgaar subconsciously moved his hands up to feel Toki's biceps. That area definitely was not flabby and thin like Skwisgaar's arms. He would have attributed the firmness and definition of Toki's arms to guitar playing, but that wouldn't explain what he himself had going on in the upper arm department. He gave those arms a squeeze, feeling jealous now. He wanted arms like those. He could certainly have those arms if-
"Holy schit dude back up, look away everybody!" The sudden noise made Toki and Skwisgaar break up their moment and look up to find the other members of Dethklok and Ofdensen looking at them in shock through the doorway.
With an unsure panic on his face, Toki asked Skwisgaar, "Uh, Skwisgaar, you forgots to close the door, didn'ts you?" Skwisgaar looked over and thought for a moment, before he nodded with embarrassment scribbled all over his face.
"Well, uh," Nathan loudly stuttered, "we were looking for you Toki, to apologise for calling you gay, but I guess we don't have to do that anymore!" Nathan's shoulder was met with a slap from Pickles. "Ow, that the hell, Pickles? You know that's true, I mean, just look at them!" The statement made Toki and Skwisgaar avoid eye contact with even the floor.
"Dudes, it's okay, relax," Pickles said to the two inside the bedroom. "We seriously don't care if you're touchin butts with each other, though I mean honestly, if you two are like, holding hands or something, that's gonna put a loooot of images in my head that I don't want to see, and that's going to distract me from like, jacking off or something. But otherwise, we don't care, right?" The drummer nudged Nathan in the elbow.
"Yeah, I mean, I don't care," Nathan agreed. "I mean uh... as long as you're not touching me, I'm cool with it."
"Yeah, I mean, juscht don't touch me and I'm cool with whatever you two got going on with your buttholes," Murderface added.
Ofdensen looked around and it seemed everything was okay with everybody. "Ok, that's great, now that uh, everything is cleared up between you guys, why don't we uh, go back and move forward with the meeting now?" Everyone muttered in agreement and began to walk back to the meeting room. He looked at Skwisgaar and Toki as they moved forward. "You two do realize that this is going to affect your public image should you let this be known."
Toki just looked at Skwisgaar and said, "Yeah, we knows. But let's not lets them knows yet."
Ofdensen just smiled and said, "Okay. Very well then." Before completely disappearing from the room, he looked back and said, "And by the way, I'm happy for you two."
Toki and Skwisgaar there stood a few seconds longer. "Hey Toki," the blonde of the two started.
"Ja, Skwisgaar?"
"I thinks... I thinks I mights be gays for yous, too."
They smiled at each other, and then finally walked back to the meeting room. They held hands under the table as Ofdensen drivelled on.