Once upon a time, while three bears went for a walk in the forest, a little girl named Goldilocks wandered into their unsecured house. Goldilocks was an adorably curious seven-year-old with an unfortunate history of breaking and entering.
Before CSI: Enchanted Forest could make it to the scene of the crime, she hungrily ate a confiscated low carb/high fiber porridge breakfast, and then proceeded to dismantle some furniture with only a fleeting feeling of remorse.
"I'd really like to get some beauty rest before I head to the gym for palates," Goldi said to herself. So she tucked herself into a baby-bear-sized bed to catch some Z's.
Moments later, the bear family returned to find the blonde intruder snuggled under the covers. Mama Bear shrieked in fear.
"What's your damage, furry family?" yawned Goldilocks as she came to.
"Why is there a lame Taylor Swift wannabe in my bed?" screamed the baby bear.
"Baby, don't go near her," said Mama Bear as calmly as possible, despite the touch of hysteria creeping into her voice.
"Oh dear," said Goldilocks sweetly. "I'm not here to hurt anyone."
"Wipe that innocent expression off your face, young lady, and get out of my house!" hollered Papa Bear.
"Now you're scaring me!" said Goldi with a terrified look on her face and tears streaming down her face.
"I SAID OUT!" returned Papa.
"Whatever!" Goldilocks answered, immediately dry eyed. As she let herself out the front door, she pulled out her Blackberry.
"Lil' Red! Story 4 u. LOL. C u in 10 gym."
Papa Bear tapped his Bluetooth, and within minutes, the Big Bad Wolf was on scene. He was the sheriff of the Enchanted Forest and had just been questioning a red-hooded girl who appeared to be loitering in the woods, where she didn't belong, when she got a text telling her to go to the gym.
The wolf acted on a hunch and sent a squad car of three pigs to the gym to investigate the situation. The pigs couldn't believe that they were sent to intercept a perpetrator who looked like a curly-haired cutie, but she had porridge on her face and the evidence was clear.
At the end of the day, Goldilocks' parole officer, the Gingerbread Man, was none too happy to see her when she was hauled into the station.
It doesn't matter what you see on the outside. The truth is, no one knows what goes on behind golden curls.