The Biggest Bitch Of All
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As the dreamboat over in the corner looked up from what he was doing, all five women on the middle table (with not a discreet move among them), averted their eyes.
There was loud beep as he scanned the hand-held device over yet another surface then as he turned to study the wall next to him, they each peered up again, transfixed.
Her coffee long since forgotten in favour of feasting her eyes on something much more appealing, the cuddliest of the ensemble made an observation.
"He just stared at my tits."
Obviously not convinced, a blonde; the slimmest of the group, in having deliberately sat herself down right next to her, turned to the larger girl with a patronising smile. "Carys? I don't think so, sweetheart. I mean, okay, I know they're bigger than all of ours put together, but … come on ….. With your face?" She leaned over to pat one leg then, looking fairly confident, righted herself again. "No love, I think you'll probably find he was just looking at that painting over there."
Falling silent again, they watched the blue eyed specimen of perfectness look upward before turning in their direction. With the edges of his long coat parting teasingly he reached up to wave his instrument ( stop it!) over a light fitting.
As he turned away again, the blonde began to get a little over-excited. "Oh … my …. God. Did you girls catch sight of what he's packing? There's definitely some mighty meaty matey going on down there!"
Her shoulders shucking with a new found happiness, she gave a quick laugh. "Well, that's that, then. I'm sorry ladies, but you're out of the competition."
"And why's that, exactly?" The brunette, in the next seat in gradually leaning further away, tried to grin; shark-like, at the blonde. But with every single one of her front teeth appearing to have had an argument with the one right next to it, her smile was never going to be a threat to anybody. As an afterthought she sneered instead and silently crossed her, now, ex-best friend off of her Avon list.
"Well …." She was informed with a wide and annoyingly perfect smile. "He's obviously got a cock like a donkey …. and everybody knows that a man with more than eight inches prefers blondes."
Choking on it, the brunette sprayed her mouthful of coffee out through every single gap between her teeth. "My, God, Bren. You don't half talk bollocks sometimes." Reaching out for a serviette to wipe at first her face and then the table, she checked with a quick glance to make sure that the blue-eyed donkey hadn't seen her.
"It's true!" Blonde Bren had started sulking and looking over offended. at her, now, ex-best friend she began to consider who else she could start ordering her Velvet Black liquid eye-liner and false lashes from. "I read it in Heat magazine last week." She revealed.
"Oh, well, then. It must be true." With a quick tut then flick of her head Cuddly Carys turned away from the pair of them to gaze in awe at the donkey.
He turned in a tight circle, causing his long coat to whip about his legs, then stopping abruptly he stared thoughtfully straight over the top of them all.
"Anyway." Continued the brunette looking up to find herself suddenly hypnotised by the bluest eyes she'd ever seen. "Even if that was true, he'd still prefer me over you … A fella with looks that good prefers his women to have a little more than just air between their ears."
As the 'fella with looks that good' began to laugh at a comment made by the barista they all caught a glimpse of his smile and each of them, in turn, gave a small sigh then swooned a little.
"Now, look, girls."
As they recovered, a fourth woman at the table glanced over at the rest of them. "I hate to break this to you … but that smile was aimed at me."
"Oh, come off it, Bron."
Frowning down as though confused by the smattering of small brown spots that she'd finally just noticed on her, once beautifully white, designer denims ….. Blonde Bren was apparently having none of it. "I mean, look at you! If you had one more spot on that greasy face of yours we'd be able to play join the dots." Looking up from her legs she peered in a deliberate manner across the table. "I'm sure I can spot a Star of David from here."
For some reason the comment seemed to hit a nerve ….. a raw facial one. "Well at least my colour's not out of a bottle … you fake bitch."
"Oi! Don't pick on her … you pock-faced Penarth slag."
Apparently reunited in the name of un-spotty Splott girls everywhere, the brunette smiled sincerely at the blonde next to her and wondered just how long she'd have to wait for the next order of Sparkly Luscious Pink lip-gloss.
Unfortunately for her, in reaching into her bag and praying that she hadn't actually thrown away the practically 'worn-down-to-nothing' concealer stick that she'd been planning to ….. Spotty Bron was on a roll.
"And you can shut up aswell, you ugly cow. Why don't you get some veneers stuck over those railings of yours? Or better still, just go gnaw on a carrot in a corner somewhere … give us all a bit of peace."
As a hush enveloped the lot of them, they paused to watch in wonder as the smiling donkey in the long coat turned full circle again. With the curious frown he was wearing not marring his handsome features in the slightest, he scanned the entire coffee shop before stepping back to aim the device back down at the floor.
All five of them glanced dreamily at each other before giving an enchanted sigh.
"Bren? What do you think he's doing?" Cuddly Carys nudged into the blonde to get her attention. "Do you think he's from the Gas Board?"
Finally losing the will to live, the fifth and final member of the group felt the need to speak up. "Er, Carys, love, if there was any danger of the place exploding, I'd have thought they'd have evacuated us by now, don't you? … You thick bitch." She added, for greater impact.
"Oooh, get her." The brunette looked down her nose at the woman. "Listen to brains of Britain Bella over there." She paused to sneer across the table at her. "And don't for one minute make the mistake of thinking you're in with a chance, either. … You stuck up witch!" She also added for good measure.
Spotty Bron nudged sideways with a chuckle. "I've always said her brains are in her arse. Look at it ….. It's fat enough."
Very slowly, Brains In Her Backside Bella shook her head in contempt. "Well, if any of you could be bothered to look in the mirror properly for a change, you'd all find out that you're really as ugly as sin …. And, trust me, that Adonis over there would rather die than shag any one of you."
And, so on it went …
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They carried on in this manner ( one second, hurling insults at each other, the next, staring dreamily as they praised the hot equinesque creature in the long coat ) for a good ten minutes or so. At which point; in having watched the entire scene play out, from behind, in muted disbelief , a pair of pale blue eyes finally sailed in a wide arc from left to right, standing, Ianto Jones slowly circumnavigated the women to get to his boss.
They leered disrespectfully as they watched this new cutie in a very well-fitting suit wait purposefully for the donkey to notice him.
As soon as he was spotted, and looking more than just a little frustrated, the cutie in the suit sent his hands straight to his hips. "Are you going to be much longer, Jack? Only, it's already eight thirty …. and you promised me a massage and an early night."
All five women sat there mouths agape as blue-eyed Jack waved his device around for one final time then deactivated it.
"Okay. As it happens, that was the last one. Which I believe, Mr Jones, means that I am now …" He dropped the scanner into a wide side pocket with a grin. "...… all yours."
As his accent sent the women into a quiet melt-down, the donkey afforded his Mr Jones a warm smile then turned, solemn faced, to look over at the middle table … and more specifically … at them.
After one loud ….. "Ladies." … as acknowledgement of their combined existence, he then proceeded to stare at them one after the other, thus allowing him the opportunity to offer them each a word of his next sentence.
"Never ….."
"In …"
"A ….."
"Million ….."
"Years ….."
And with that he turned back to offer an elbow.
With a smug smile, it was gratefully accepted by his Welsh companion and calmly they began to stroll out arm in arm.
As they reached the exit, Ianto ( 'yes, ladies, I do know I look cute in this suit' ) Jones, slowly peered back over one shoulder … And with a great deal of satisfaction …. as he scrunched up his equally as cute button nose, he poked his tongue out as far as it would go.
On seeing their reaction he turned to face front with a grin that was roughly double the size of Wales.
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Ianto Jones worked for Torchwood. Which meant that he knew this city; he knew these streets … …. He was, just generally, your man in the know.
And in knowing the score with that lot back there he would willingly have stopped to bitch for a while ….. But he really couldn't be bothered.
He already knew where he stood as far as the man smiling next to him was concerned. He didn't need to hear a gushing statement from his boss to know that he found him far more attractive than any of those women… After all ….. actions always did speak louder than words with Jack.
And anyway, why would he want to give that lot the satisfaction of dropping to their level? Give it half an hour and they'd be arguing over the next poor sod that came along ….. and still none of them would stand a chance.
Yep, he decided, they could all just ruddy well get on with it. He was safe in the knowledge that he already had the man of their dreams … and not a single one of their cruel taunts or spiteful remarks could ever change that.
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Stepping out onto the pavement he laughed away Jack's reaction of a raised brow and snickered quietly as he was sent a jokey glower before being hooked in even tighter.
The American mule, with his blue eyes and his long coat looked affectionate as he edged a little closer. "I'm glad to see life's making you smile again, Ianto. Anything you'd care to share with me?"
Leaning into the man of his dreams, Ianto Jones gave him one simple and one very honest answer.
"Life's a bitch, Jack …. Life's a bitch.
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Thanks for reading ….bwb.