Dutch is still my first language, so please forgive me for the mistakes.
My Arizona,
You've hurt me, more than you know. I never thought this was possible, but yet it happened.
I honestly thought that we were fine, that we had overcome the obstacles from the last year. That we were back on track. Apparently I was wrong, so wrong. And I think I'm part to blame too. I think I should have picked up the signs, you not being you. But I was too much captured in my own grief, that I couldn't see yours.
Looking back I can see where I went wrong, although it was never my intention. My intentions were always honest, sincere. But I made mistakes too.
You took off on that plane angry. Angry with Karev because he would transfer to another hospital. I thought it was good for you, that you stood up for yourself. I prepared a surprise for when you would come back. I was planning on showing you a good night. But you never came back, instead you were missing for days. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you, the thought that the last time I saw you, you were angry, not with me, but still angry. I nearly went crazy.
Then they found you guys and I was thrilled. I got my wife back, little did I know that a part of my wife was still in those woods and would never come back. But there it was that I made my first "mistake". I should have never treated you, as a doctor I should had to refuse to treat you. You are way too much involved with me for me to make objective discussions. But as your wife I couldn't, I wasn't able to let somebody else treat you.
I made my second mistake the moment I promised you that I would not let them take your leg. As a doctor I knew that it was a promise I could not keep, but again as I wife I wanted you to know that I would have done anything for you. Please know that I did everything in my power to safe your leg. I even fought with Owen about it. I was willing to sacrifice everything to save that leg, to save you. We treated you with antibiotics, cleaned the wounds, did everything we could do, but it wasn't helping. The wounds were too severe, too much infected to heal. And then your situation got worse, drastically worse. You went in a septic shock and we nearly lost you. It was Karev, the one you were still so very angry with, that saved you. He was there when you passed out, when you stopped breathing. He was the one who got you to an OR and saved you. I was operating Derek's hand, when he lunged into my OR, screaming that you were dying. In that moment I had to make a discussion: hold on to my promise and let you die or break the promise and save you. I chose the last one, I said to Karev that he could amputate your leg. Am I sorry that I broke my promise? Yes, I am. Am I sorry for saving your life? No. You were, and still are, the most important person in my life. So I could not let you die. I knew that you would be angry with me, I knew that. But I also thought that you would understand my dicision. Apparently I was wrong.
During your recovery you were shutting me out. I could see that you were angry at me, you shouted at me, wouldn't look at me. And I understand it. But as time gone by, I lost my patience. You did not make any progress, you kept blaming me for your loss. So I went to Mark's apartment, it broke my heart to leave you, but I needed some time for myself. I was hurt too and you couldn't see it, you were lost in your own grief. I lost my best friend, nearly lost my wife, and you couldn't see my hurt. So I ran.
I was hard for me to see that you reconnected with Karev but you couldn't with me. You forgave Karev, I don't know if you knew back then that it was him who did the amputation, and it doesn't matter. But it was hard for me to know that you could forgive him, afterall he was the reason you were on that plane, but you could not forgive your wife for saving your life.
After some interference from Bailey you went back to work, I was so worried about you but I also saw that it did you good. You became yourself again. I could see flashes off the old you. I was happy to see you like that. Maybe a little too happy, I pushed you. I so desperately wanted to reconnect with you, wanted to feel you again, wanted to make love to you. I saw you were struggling with it, struggling with your self-confidence, struggling to let me touch you. But I lost my patience anyway, and I lashed out at you. At Bailey's wedding we did reconnected, not in the sex-way, but we reconnected. And I was happy about it, you were finally opening up to me, finally letting me in. we were back on track. So I thought.
The way I saw it we went progressively in the right direction from that point, but I was wrong. So wrong. You weren't letting me in at all, you acted like it. We won the settlement with the insurancecompany and I wanted to celebrate it. I thought that a little celebration would be the perfect closure. Now I see that I was wrong. You were in no place to celebrate, neither were the others, and yet all off you did it to please me. So I'm sorry for pushing you the way I did.
And I did push you, I pushed you to that restaurant, I tried to push you to go to work, and I pushed you to invest in the hospital. I still think it was the right thing to do. We owed it to our colleagues and friends, we even owed it to ourselves. But you hesitated, you wanted to move, sell our and Mark's apartment and start somewhere new. Maybe I should have listened to you, really listened. Not only to your words but also to the underlying meaning. Looking back I realize that I somewhat let my own interests en thoughts take over.
I love you Arizona, I really do. You cheated with dead, but survived, only to treat me like crap in those first few months. I was grieving Mark's lost but was also fearing that you would leave me. Just like all the other ones left me in the past.
I know I couldn't hold my promise to you, so I tried to fix all the other things I thought I could fix. I tried (and succeeded) to fix Derek's hand, to save the hospital. I wanted to feel like I mattered, like I could really make a difference. Part of me was thinking that because I failed to fix you. You, my wife, I couldn't fix you and it broke me apart.
I said some things to you that I shouldn't have said, like that you are still you minus a leg. I know it was harsh, it was wrong to say it. I didn't meant to say it like I did. I wanted you to know that you were the still the same for me, with or without your leg. You were still the woman I fell in love with.
We finally reconnected, we finally made love again and I thought everything was okay. At my speech at the TED conference I refereed to love at what hold us together when things fall apart. And I truly believe that. It was love that held us together. There is no doubt in my mind that you love me the same way as I love you. But I also think that it is love that puts us where we are now. We both acted from our love for each other. We both did what we thought would make the other one happy, but in the end we didn't work on us. We didn't face our problems together.
I pushed you to hard. I didn't let you heal in your own time. I wanted you back the way you were before, so I pushed you. You needed your time to find out who you are now, and I didn't give you that time. I think I did to protect myself. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you. That was my biggest fear, losing you because I saved you.
As for the cheating, I'm angry about it. And can you really blame me? My wife cheated on me, just when I thought everything was OK. I think I know you didn't cheat just to cheat. Or to learn me a lesson. And I do believe you when you say that you don't know why you did it. But it still hurts.
You started yelling because I said "we survived". It took me some time to figure it out why exactly you started yelling at those two words but I think I get it. You survived the crash and the direct consequences of it. In your eyes I wasn't on that plane so I'm not a survivor. But I also survived this ordeal. Not in the same way as you did, not physically. But I nearly lost everything I live for during that crash.
I'm not going to apologize for saving your life, but I am going to ask for your forgiveness, for not treating you the way I should.
I don't know what we are going to do about us. But I do know that I'll need help, and you need help too. You really should try some therapy. Not for me and not for us. Just for you, you need to get happy again. As do I. And when we both are at peace with ourselves, we can try and fix us. And I'm convinced that we can make it together.
You've got this super magic smile, when you smile at me everything gets better. So I'm waiting on that smile and everything will work out for us.
Still yours,
Calliope