A/N: This is rather spur of the moment – I'd been thinking about Tigerstar for a while, and shades of gray, and suddenly I had the idea for this. This may be a oneshot, though I think the ending will be rather open-ended, so I might make it a chaptered fic. Might. After what happened with Full Moon, I doubt it, though.
Disclaimer: I'm not forty or over. So unless the Erins are really teenage girls in disguise, I doubt I'm one of them.
Loyal, Absolutely Loyal
I am, really. Loyal, I mean. Sure, I don't really believe in the StarClan – but neither does Cloudtail, and look at him. It's not like everybody hates him.
I guess I'm not starting at the beginning, am I? So I'll do that.
Well, I – I mean, he–
Okay, this isn't working out, is it? I think I'll just say it, and then get on with it chronologically.
I don't see why Tigerstar was extremely evil.
Well – well I do see, but I mean part of what he was doing. Sure, I understand the trying to kill Bluestar part to gain power, and the murdering Redtail part to become deputy, that stuff. But – later, I mean.
Hmm. I think now I can start at the beginning. Well, here goes…
------
I was watching a few of the kits "fighting battles" in the nursery. Their mother, Brook, was watching over them, ready to interfere in case they went too far in their battle.
"Take that, Tigerstar!" one squeaked, launching herself in a tackle on her brother.
"I'll get you for that, Bluestar!" the other hissed, running to "Bluestar" and bowling her over.
"Bluestar"'s eyes flashed. "You'll be sorry for that!" she mewed, and let out a squeaky yowl.
Featherkit was Bluestar; Boulderkit played Tigerstar. It was the typical game kits played: one was Tigerstar or Scourge and the other one was Firestar or Bluestar, and they'd battle, with their loyal, imaginary cats battling too. Of course eventually Tigerstar would be defeated at the end, though the kit playing Tigerstar wouldn't care, because the real Tigerstar had been evil, and an evil cat could never beat the good one in their imaginary battles.
"Surrender, evil Tigerstar!" Featherkit spat, bashing Boulderkit's head with her paw.
As Featherkit said the words "evil Tigerstar", I felt a pang in my stomach. I had no idea why, but something about those words together made me feel uncomfortable.
A few minutes later, while the kits were playing with a ball of moss, Brook walked over to them and purred, "I think it's time you had a nap, kits."
Instantly the typical whining broke out. "I don't wanna take a nap!" Boulderkit groaned.
"Yeah!" Feathertail added, an indignant expression on her face. The look made me chuckle a bit; I remembered that same expression appearing on my face and Foxpaw's too back when we were kits.
Boulderkit and Featherkit mewled and sulked and tried to escape from Brook's grip as she picked them both up by their scruffs.
"I can tell you're exhausted," Brook said, as Boulderkit attempted (and failed) to stifle a yawn. "Besides, if you don't take your nap, Tigerstar will come to get you."
The sentence had the expected effect on the kits. They both gasped and their sulks hushed as their already big eyes widened. Once again, I felt that odd pang in my stomach.
"I don't want Tigerstar to take me away," Featherkit whimpered as she crawled over to the nest.
"Of course not, he was a very evil cat," Brook replied, giving her daughter a swift lick.
Boulderkit shuddered. "He was the most evil cat who ever lived!"
Yet again I felt that pang, and stiffened.
Brook glanced at me. "Are you okay, Icepaw?" she asked concernedly.
"Y – yeah," I muttered.
As I left the nursery, a memory flashed in my head, where almost the same event that had happened with Brook and her kits had happened with my mother, Ferncloud, and Foxpaw and I when we were kits.
And for the fourth time, a pang came in my stomach, but this one was strong and painful I almost fell over, my stomach feeling cramped.
"It was probably just a bad piece of prey I had," I muttered, stalking over to the apprentice den. "Just bad prey, and only bad prey."
But my brain's pretty smart, and knows when it's being lied to. Like at that moment.
------
My eyes blinked open, and the peaceful, quiet darkness surrendered itself to light and noise. I stretched my jaws in a yawn, and groggily got up, yawning once more. I was the only one in the apprentice den.
Too lazy to go and look for Foxpaw, I stayed in the apprentice den and yowled, "Foxpaw! Where are you?"
Thornclaw happened to be passing; he scowled and reprimanded me. "You know you shouldn't yowl so loud so that the whole camp can hear you, Icepaw."
"Sorry," I murmured. "But why wasn't I woken?"
"Foxpaw left on the dawn patrol," the golden brown tom replied. "So did Cinderheart."
"Cinderheart? What am I supposed to do if my mentor's on the dawn patrol, then?"
"Attend to the elders, of course," he snapped, always being a rather impatient cat. "Cinderheart told me to tell you that."
"If you were supposed to tell me, why didn't you wake me up? Cinderheart would be disappointed that you told me later than you were supposed.
Thornclaw scowled and hissed, "Just go to the Elders Den!"
Shrugging, I nodded and went as ordered to the Elders Den, though not without annoyance; every apprentice hated attending to the elders and pulling out their ticks and all that, and I was no exception.
"So," I said, stifling a sigh, "what do you want me to do?"
Mousefur, who had appeared to be dozing in the sun, became alert and got up. Prodding the moss, she replied, "We need new moss – this lot is getting thin and soggy, very soggy."
Longtail blinked open one eye and murmured, "Oh, don't exaggerate Mousefur; it's not that soggy."
"But it still needs to be replaced!" Mousefur said sharply. Though I rather halfheartedly hoped I'd been forgotten, Mousefur turned back to me and I received my second snap of the day. "Well, what are you waiting for?"
Grimacing, I padded out of the Elders Den and out of the camp, foraging for moss in the forest.
I got back pretty soon with bunches of moss. With moss sticking out of my mouth, I padded over to the Elders Den and spat it out. "Here's your moss," I muttered.
"Well, at least you got it done quick," Mousefur said, leaning down to sniff it. "I think it smells a bit soggy, though," she added, nose wrinkling.
Longtail, who had been sitting behind her, sniffed it, too. As he lifted his head up, his whiskers twitched. "It is not, Mousefur - it's nice and dry. You're always displeased with everything."
I let out an annoyed breath; small arguments like these usually happened between the two elders.
"Don't worry, Mousefur's always disgruntled with everything," Longtail whispered in my ear; he said the same thing to every apprentice whenever Mousefur got annoyed.
I nodded. "Anyway," Longtail said, "I think you should get some mouse bile from the medicine cat den for ticks – Mousefur's been complaining of a few for a few sunrises."
I nodded, sighed, and trudged to the medicine cat den. Only Jayfeather appeared to be in there – Leafpool must have been gathering herbs.
Before I could say a word, Jayfeather said, "Let me guess. Mouse bile." Not feeling like saying something in response to his rudeness, I mumbled, "Yeah," and soon the disgusting stuff was on my paws.
Unlike my trudge over to the medicine cat den, I rushed back to the Elders Den; I didn't want any mouse bile remains anywhere in the camp. I saw too much of it already.
"So," I said dully, "Who wants to go first?"
"There've been some dreadful ones annoying me for the past few sunrises," Mousefur responded.
"Yeah, you should do Mousefur first," Longtail agreed, a bit eagerly. I suppressed a snort of amusement as I saw Longtail was just as eager to stay away from the mouse bile as I was.
As usual, Mousefur had been exaggerating; I only pulled out two ticks from her fur – it turned out to really be Longtail who was suffering, and he confessed, like I suspected, he hated mouse bile just as much as the apprentices.
"Wouldn't you like for me to tell a story or two while you're slaving away?" Longtail asked, wincing a bit as my teeth closed in on one big tick.
"Sure," I replied.
"Which one?"
Though I had heard about him billions of times, the words "Tell me about Tigerstar," flew out of my mouth, and I was reminded of those pangs I had had yesterday. Just some bad prey, I thought firmly, with a sharp intake of breath.
"Tigerstar?" Longtail said, looking at me quizzically with his blind gaze. "Surely you've heard enough about him to make you sick."
"Well, yes…" I hesitated. "Just tell me – just tell me about what he wanted to do, and the means he used to attempt to do so." The words seemed to be coming out of my mouth without my own accord, but I kept on remembering those pangs in my stomach – Just a bad piece of prey!– and somehow, I knew I had to ask.
The blind elder frowned slightly, but agreed. "Tigerstar wanted to take over the forest –" he began.
"No, not like that," I interrupted exasperatedly. "I'm not a kit, give me the real version – not this simple 'he wanted to take over the forest' foxdung."
I saw something flicker in Longtail's unseeing eyes, something like hesitation. I understood what it meant. "It's not like I want to take over the forest and learn Tigerstar's methods!" I snapped. "I just want the version that really happened. Is that too much to ask?"
Longtail's nose wrinkled a little bit, but he consented. "In many ways," Longtail began, a little hesitantly. "Tigerstar was a great cat. He was brave and strong and a great fighter and a great hunter. He had the gift of good leadership and he was confident. He was ambitious, could see a great future for ThunderClan and the other Clans as well. This was what made me take his side in many things before he was exiled – when he was exiled, all his evil crimes clouded my mind, though in a good way, I guess.
"But like any other cats, he had his faults, and one in particular. And that one was a rather good trait, too – his ambition. Tigerstar just had so much of it, and in his confidence and knowing of his good characteristics, he thought he just had to be leader, no matter what. Any cat could believe in him – he was charismatic, too.
"And of course, there was his goal, the one main thing he wanted to accomplish – to unite all the Clans and for him to rule them all. It honestly sounds like a good idea when you first hear it – one huge, powerful, strong Clan, only needing to fight off enemies like badgers and foxes, and not fellow Clan cats. There would always be peace, and there wouldn't be hunger very often."
I blinked. That was something I'd certainly never heard before – all we were ever told as kits was that he wanted to take over the forest, not this uniting the Clans thing. It – it did sound like a good idea…
"But there were a few problems in it," Longtail said, in suddenly a very sharp voice. Did all blind cats seem to have a sixth sense or something of the sort?
"One, that would be just so many cats. It would be extremely hard for just one leader and one deputy to manage it. Two, power over so many cats lead to being intoxicated with power. If Tigerstar hadn't already been intoxicated with power and succeeded, he surely would have been, and become a sort of dictator, wanting to keep the power. And thirdly, StarClan's will."
I groaned inwardly – I didn't want to take the chance of doing it aloud and having Longtail hear me. StarClan. Why couldn't the Clans understand that they could do whatever they want? How could dead cats hurt them?
"You see," Longtail explained, "StarClan made us four Clans for a reason. With four Clans, we had rivalry. Rivalry made us strong, brave, and loyal to our Clans. It made us all stronger, emotionally and physically."
I rolled my eyes, glad that Longtail couldn't see. We could be strong and brave and loyal in one big Clan! The first problem could be dealt with – a very good and efficient leader. He did have a bit of a point with the second problem, though – but that could also be solved with an excellent leader, and a loyal deputy and medicine cat to keep him in check.
"Really," Longtail said, "That's about it."
I nodded, saying nothing. And then that thought appeared in the middle of my blank mind, and I knew why I'd been having those pangs in my stomach whenever Tigerstar was mentioned negatively.
Tigerstar probably – no, wasn't – half as evil as every cat said he was. He just had flaws like any other cat.
And as soon as that thought was realized, another one came in my mind – because I don't think Tigerstar is incredibly wicked, am I being disloyal to ThunderClan, to Firestar, who was Tigerstar's enemy?
No. I was loyal, absolutely loyal. As loyal as any other ThunderClanner, just with a clearer understanding of Tigerstar than most. Right?
Right…
Or at least, until I had the dreams.
A/N: As I said at the beginning, it's open ended because there's the possibility it might someday be turned into a chapter fic, which I do have ideas for. Stupid plot bunnies…
Constructive criticism appreciated.