DISCLAIMER: I only own my ideas; not the awesome characters, or the games. I'm not even affiliated with Nintendo. I'm not even claiming to be Andrew Raskins, Patrick TeNyenhuis, Steve Button, or any of the others who voiced for the hilarious short web animation series some of you guys may (or may not) remember known as Bowser's Kingdom. This is just for non-profit entertainment. Just for fun.

I often don't write ridiculous stories like these, by the way. This is something different than the more serious stuff I normally do. It's also sort of based on some recent role-play writing I've done. That would be why it's been a while since I uploaded any stories here at all… I hope reading this general Mario-related parody amuses you anyway, or at least almost as much as it's amused me to write this.

Summary: A turtle with an attitude, a fast-talking rectangular rock, and a large happy idiot of a carnivorous plant join in and interact with the Narrator over a sarcastic, magical 8-Ball toy. Before that happens, the Narrator takes time to go over some things about these wacky characters…

Back-Story, Part One: Introducing the Characters and Their Original World

This isn't your typical kind of story. Nope! Far from it! Looking for two heroic Italian brothers sworn to protect a beautiful blonde princess—and play tennis, race, play golf, and throw epic board game parties in their spare time?

You might as well look elsewhere, for this isn't that kind of story. So, if you're not up for plunging into a very different perspective of other characters, then you are free to go.

I'll just wait here for particularly interested reader to come along.

…

Still here? Aha, I seeeee! So you are interested to know this strange and wacky tale. Very well then; I'll share it.

Our trio who star in this story—an upright turtle, a big headed carnivorous plant, and a mid-sized stone who defied gravity and had a face-originally came from a world full of floating blocks with question marks that moved along the outside, round and round and round… Water pipes of various colors stuck up out of the ground like inanimate odd metal tree trunks with open round mouths. Lush green hills and other vegetation with small black eyes could be seen here and there. The fluffy clouds had eyes too. (Why did they have eyes at all? For centuries, this has baffled historians and explorers who were bold and brave enough to look into this mystery… To this day, it's remained to be a mystery.)

Anyway, upon jumping under to hit these blocks with your head (durable hat or protective head gear required), there popped up red and white mushrooms that made you ten feet taller after eating them. They were this world's equivalent of steroids that you could get for free—if you knew which block had a Super Mushroom. (They probably tasted as nasty as the steroids on our world.)

Their unusual brothers—or maybe cousins—gave you extra lives if you ate those, or revived the dead. Not in a zombie-like way though; there was a different mushroom for that.

It would've been smart to for anybody to have One-up Mushrooms at all times, in case anything happened. Yes, definitely more than one! Believe me, just about anything could happen, from unfortunate accidents to direct attacks from a mob of creatures that flew, swam, walked, ran, or cast magic spells. Around and within the Mushroom Kingdom, you didn't get lucky with life insurance agencies. No helpful geckos or ducks that talked were over there either! Nope… Yet, if you applied for a job somewhere, you were likely to receive a great dental plan.

Moving on… More of these odd blocks contained gold coins, and bouncy stars in flashing colors that gave you invincibility for about thirty seconds. You couldn't do a damn thing to stop anyone else who wielded the Star Power, until the power wore off and stopped working altogether.

Single fallen maple leaves was another supposedly hidden secret. They either gave you a raccoon suit or a bright yellow cape if you grabbed them—and both were capable of making you fly temporarily. (Flying with no planning ahead of where to land, no doubt, would be among the most dumb-ass decisions ever to make while being in this world—especially without One-ups to bring you back.)

Last, but not least, were the Fire Flowers. Their petals and pollen purely of flames flashed red and white. The only parts that weren't alight in little flames and too hot to touch were their green stems. If wielded correctly, one could use these to shoot fireballs at his or her foes…or maybe just to help them survive.

The little guys dressed in red, gray, green, blue, pink, or yellow wearing the round masks were often terrible at handling the Fire Flowers. These guys, the Shy Guys, also sounded like the actor Christopher Walken for some weird reason—every single one of them. ("Hey. I'm on fire, and the only way to put me out is more cowbell!") Telling them this or asking if they knew of this person from our world would be pointless, unfortunately. They wouldn't know of any Christopher Walken; only those who went by the name of Shy Guy. They'd probably say something about it all being a coincidence.

But those of us who are skeptical, curious, and suspicious about that know better, don't we?

Well, aside from the not-so-smart Shy Guys, other various creatures of different life forms and levels of intelligence existed. Many of them were capable of speech, English being the universal language.

Those who were incapable of speaking had hired translators—or carried devices that spoke or provided text for them. Some of the mean turtle family known as the Koopas, that resided in another castle, far from the one of the Mushroom Kingdom of friendly and sentient mushroom folk as well as the beautiful Princess Peach Toadstool, could only growl or grunt in dialect. (The overall-wearing plumbers, Mario and Luigi, would be another story entirely. They'd be two heroic guys who'd take too long to cover. Besides, didn't I say that this story isn't really about them?)

By now, you might have thought or said, But all of this is just silly. None of it really makes sense. What kind of name is Peach Toadstool, anyway, and how the hell did these Italian plumber guys find this Mushroom Kingdom?!

However, as right as you may be, the crazy truth of this world was this; logic and most laws of physics and nature weren't really necessary for this world to exist!

There's also a second truth that applies to this, along with the three I really should start introducing now—for without these guys, this wouldn't be much of a story at all…so let's address that other answer for another time. Maybe, although I can't promise it will be, because there's so much other stuff to cover here.

Hal, the upright turtle, wasn't in any way related to the Koopa family. He was just one of several red shelled and green shelled turtle minions known as the Koopa Troopas. Some turtles who acted gangsta first came up with this rhyme scheme name years ago, before Hal was old enough to apply for a position in the ranks. Since then, the name never changed. The leader of the Koopa Troopas, as well as the entire Koopa army—King Bowser—liked it enough, and it wasn't too long or hard to remember. All agreed that "Koopa Trooper" just wasn't as catchy, or memorable.

Hal, however, was never officially part of the Koopa Troopas. He also never got paid to stop in their tracks while King Bowser thought of schemes to capture Princess Peach. (His best friend Jeff the Goomba, a very different kind of sentient mushroom, DID get paid; three coins an hour. Even though Jeff wasn't capable of doing much, other than moving back and forth on his feet, he still got paid. That's what Hal told me, anyway.)

He was one out of a mere handful of Koopa army outcasts that sucked as a minion, but it didn't seem to matter all that much. As long as he was with Jeff, then he wouldn't be doomed to live an utterly miserable, lonely existence. They've been through some random adventures together, and endured many hardships. This unlikely duo eventually had their starring comedic roles in a low profit show titled "Bowser's Kingdom". Hal also mentioned this to me; they were just a couple of guys who liked sharing their adventures and laughter, and strived to live modest lives.

All however wasn't always good on their end of the battlefield. They had to deal with a certain dumb carnivorous plant, Steve the Piranha Plant. AKA, the second of the three I deem as important, and as a main character. Steve's heart was so much larger than his brain, and he was well liked by some—just not by Jeff and Hal. They couldn't stand his constantly friendly, and cheerful presence most of the time. Hearing his voice day after day they believed to be agonizing, and annoying. They both insulted Steve ceaselessly…until Steve decided one day that enough was enough. He spread a clever rumor that they were traitors to Bowser and his kin. For once, he was sneaky, smart, and knew when his keep his big mouth shut when setting them up. He wanted to teach them a lesson, for once.

Steve would've gotten away with kidnapping the princess and getting the reward from Bowser if this world's famous Italian plumber pair they continued to lose to hadn't interfered and rescued Peach…again…

But that only happened once in his entire lifetime. It wouldn't be likely for this big, dopey plant with razor sharp teeth to come up with a similar scheme…would he? Still, I'd advise against going too far to harass this adorable idiot. He's not always predictable.

Yeah, that's right-I said adorable! Despite what Hal and Jeff calling him a retard and someone who sucks as a living being, I've known for a fact that he's been like a really big, excitable puppy, or a big five-year-old kid at heart. He'll probably never get any smarter, or eat live prey, but this Narrator here won't ever stop having a fondness for him.

The third and final guy would be… Yep, you guessed it; the mid-sized stone with the face who's defied the law of gravity. For who knows how long, he's been a part of King Bowser's army, and one more low ranker who never seemed to do a swell job at being a minion. The day has not yet come in which he'd succeed to speed-talk any Italian plumber's ear off, or lure them to stand under him so he would drop and crush them from above. Regardless of this fact, I liked him enough to give him a place in this story. This strange fellow got me laughing as he did a ridiculous and obnoxious rendition of our world's "Star Spangled Banner". He also shared a crazy story about a zombie invasion that happened a long while ago, from his point of view. (The moral of his story, or so I presumed, was to beware of the purple poisonous mushrooms. Consuming them doomed the misfortunate to be walking corpses that hungered and craved live flesh.)

Did he have an actual name? Not really, but for many years, he's been known as the Inaudible Thwomp—because a lot of the time he spoke too fast and obnoxiously spewed out nonsense in the middle of what conversations he started. Due to this, many (apart from Steve and myself) didn't like him. Hal and Jeff in particular didn't like standing around him long enough to have their brains melt into cottage cheese in attempts to understand him.

Steve's mind was already damaged, no offense. It was why they've indulged such odd conversations, for the duration of a few hours whenever they happened to see each other. (I never engaged into their conversations, but listening to the both of them go at it for a little while was enough. I didn't want my brain end up as cottage cheese either, thanks.)

The Inaudible Thwomp, as I recall, has also talked gibberish in his sleep. Quite motor mouth he's been, yep, but not often a dull moment has happened the times I've spent having him for company.

One would ask, was this talking square boulder ever able to get a breath in between his run-on sentences? Did he even have actual LUNGS to breathe and speak to begin with?

We may never know why any of these three, as well as the rest of Bowser's army, are capable of human speech—or why and how they even exist.

To this day, I still didn't know how Hal, Steve, and the Inaudible Thwomp happened to disappear from one madhouse of world to reappear in another. It just happened.

…

…I think this actually turned out decent. Perhaps a little better than I thought.

What do you think? If I can to make this beginning better, pleeease let me know. Also, any other positive feedback, and questions for reviews would be welcomed and appreciated!