Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any part of its affiliated franchises.
A/N: Hello, all of you lovelies! I am infinitely sorry for my ridiculously long fan-fiction-hiatus! Recently, however, I have gotten back into the mood and have been re-reading and writing out my old stories. Soon, I shall have them all updated and revived! On a more relevant note, this story will be relatively short (10,000) and full of crude humor, soft romance, and fluff. Lord only knows what's going on in the manga but you can consider this a sort of SN alternative-universe epilogue.
- Love, K.M.
Who's On Top?
"Thanks for the reports, you two," said Iruka, smiling as he received Sasuke and Naruto's mission report scrolls at the mission desk. He skimmed through the contents of Sasuke's neat handwriting, nodding at the thoroughness of their performance. "Always exceptional work with you two together... but that's to be expected, I guess..." he commented with a wink, chuckling to himself as he placed the scroll in its proper pile and checked off something on his master list. "As always, payment will arrive by the week's end."
Sasuke and Naruto both exchanged glances.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean, sensei?!" demanded Naruto, slamming his hand on the desk.
Iruka frowned. "Do you really need ramen money that badly, Naruto? I told you that you needed to manage your finances better!"
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "No. He meant the 'exceptional work with you two' part."
Iruka smiled so wide that his eyes closed. "Come off of it, boys, I know you too well. Sasuke, you don't have to lie to me about your... you know."
"Our what?" Naruto insisted, leaning forward so that his face was only a few inches from the chuunin.
"Your relationship!" said Iruka, shifting to prop his chin on his palm; as though their relationship was, in fact, the most obvious thing in the world.
"WHAT?!" Naruto screeched, reeling back from Iruka as though he had been hit. Sasuke opted to growl the same word as menacingly as he possible could, moving around to join the blonde in glaring at Iruka.
"Don't be that way, boys! Konoha's very accepting! And just about everyone ships – I mean, supports your relationship," said Iruka, holding his hands up in a sign of innocence.
Naruto scowled. "Well, Sasuke here might be gay but I most certainly am not gay. I like girls! With tits! I trained with Jiraiya for three years, sensei! And even if I was gay, why in the name of the Sage of The Six Paths would I want to be with this sex-less, Uchiha she-man?"
Sasuke managed to spare Naruto a brief exasperated look before glaring back at Iruka. "Ignore him," he said sternly, "Who started this insane rumour?"
Iruka smiled from ear-to-ear. "Nobody started it, Sasuke. It was more of a general acceptance of a known fact."
Sasuke smiled back mirthlessly, managing to look both insane and attractive. He was a very talented man after all, gifted with secret Uchiha ability of attractive insanity. "That would be heart-warming, if it weren't for the fact that we aren't in a relationship. Now, I'm going to ask you again; who is responsible for spreading this ridiculous bullshit?"
"Yeah!"
"Boys! Calm down-"
"So it's official, huh?" Sakura interrupted suddenly. The pair was so caught up with fuming at Iruka that they completely missed the arrival of their teammate and Hinata Hyuuga, who were now congregated behind the two boys.
"Sakura? Hinata? What's official?" asked Naruto, scratching the back of his head.
"Us, you idiot!" growled Sasuke, elbowing him in the ribs.
"Oh yeah! Us. Wait, what?" asked Naruto again.
Before anyone could answer him however, Hinata began crying, uselessly trying to hide away her tears beneath the sleeve of her jacket. "Oh Naruto," she sniffled, "I-I just want you to be h-happy. You've done so much for m-me and the village and I-I HOPE THAT SASUKE KEEPS YOU HAPPY, OKAY? "
With that, she broke out into quiet sobs, slowly retreating to one of the chairs kept by the water-cooler.
Naruto looked at Sasuke, then Sakura, then Hinata, and then at his own two hands before deciding that the most appropriate reaction to the situation was to yell, "I'M CONFUSED AS HELL. BELIEVE IT."
Sasuke rolled his eyes and addressed the weeping girl. "This isn't what it sounds like," he insisted.
"Oh really, Sasuke? Because I feel like this is exactly what it looks like," interjected Sakura. The medic ninja looked so utterly done with them that Sasuke was unable to protest. With her hands on her hips, she examined the two boys before her. "I love you both a lot so I'll support whatever you do, but I can't help but think this is ridiculous... Wasn't Naruto always in love with me? And wasn't Sasuke... always… not... in love with anybody? You know what though? Whatever, as long as Naruto doesn't come limping to Team Seven meetings, I don't really care."
With a flip of her pink hair, she handed her and Hinata's scroll in, nodded to the academy sensei and sauntered out - vigorously nodding Hyuuga heiress in tow.
"Wh-Why would I be limping?" asked Naruto, staring wide-eyed at the Uchiha.
"Tch. Idiot," he replied, turning away so the blonde couldn't see his blush.
"Is it because Sakura's going to beat me up because I stole you away from her?! I don't even like you! She can have you, but I thought she got over you a long time ago! She's got horrible taste in men anyway," Naruto wondered aloud, scratching his whiskered cheeks absently.
"Oh Naruto, you won't be limping because of Sakura's jealous fists. You'll be limping because Sasuke's going to pound your ass into the mattress so hard you'll forget your own name!" giggled a very gleeful Kakashi, leaning against the door-frame.
"KAKASHI!"
"ERO-SENSEI!"
"Sorry, boys, but everyone know it's true!"
"Alright, that's it! I'm going to kill the person who started this rumor!"
"Bastard! Why are you even offended? Everyone thinks you top in our pretend-relationship; which would obviously never be the case in real life if we actually got together."
"Naruto, don't focus on the parts that don't matter."
"Of course it matters! Here I am, next-in-line for Hokage, the epitome of macho, heterosexual manliness and people still think your girly ass could top mine."
"...Not only did you cry during The Notebook, which was just a bunch of sad tropes, and A Walk To Remember, which was a study of bad acting, you-"
"Well, that sensitivity just adds to the gentle, chibi-seme vibe, Sasuke," interjected a saccharine voice behind them. Both guys turned around in time to see Iruka smile sweetly at them; his face pulled into an expression than neither of them had ever seen on the usually kind, diligent teacher.
"Excuse me?" ventured Sasuke, not entirely sure what the words 'chibi' or 'seme' meant.
"Oh my gosh! You're so tsundere, Sasuke! I love it - just like the typical bishie-uke!" and the chuunin continued, gushing in what appeared to be an unknown language.
"Bishie-uke?" tried Naruto, glancing over at Sasuke and trying to see if he could deduce what those words meant by staring at his friend's features.
"Oh hell no, Naruto would totally be uke, he's so cute and eager and he would let Sasuke do whatever he wanted to him because he just loves to please his Ice Prince seme. And obviously Sasuke can only truly connect to his inner feelings when he's with his precious blond boyfriend," countered Kakashi as he placed one hand on his hip and the other on his chin, nodding furiously.
"Eh? EH? Ice Prince seme? Chibi seme? Bishi uke? What?!" cried Naruto, clutching his head in his hands and glaring at the two distracted senseis.
"... Is this what it feels like to be Naruto in a genjutsu?" wondered Sasuke aloud, as he searched his memory for any previous usage of those words.
"Oh, get the fuck out, Sasuke!"
"Well it's true, idiot! … But, in all seriousness, I have no idea what is going on."
"Same."
In the few minutes their banter had occupied, several other ninja around the mission desk had joined the senseis' conversation and were adding their own opinions.
"Obviously," said Anko, rolling her eyes, "Naruto would top. He'd be the one to take the initiative because the Uchiha's frigid... Also living with Orochimaru just does that to you."
"Yeah, but as soon as he got in the mood," argued Genma, "Sasuke would definitely take control and Naruto would love all the attention since he's such an attention whore."
"FRIGID?"
"ATTENTION WHORE?"
"Who the hell are you? Do you know anything about us?" hissed Sasuke as Naruto nodded emphatically alongside him. "We've barely spoken to you at all!"
"Well, you guys kind of are gay icons these days," Iruka explained happily while pointedly ignoring Kakashi (who was making a very emotional speech about how semes can't have big, expressive eyes like Naruto).
The two boys whipped around. "Gay icons?" Naruto gasped.
"What the hell!" boomed Tsunade making a very grand entrance through the front doors (with Shizune and Tonton behind her, cowering behind the thrown open doors). "According to what I can see; Anko holding Genma in a headlock, Kakashi attempting to chidori through Iruka's desk, and the two ANBU outside trying to stab each other with poisoned kunai, this is some kind of very important matter?! I refuse to let it compromise Konoha's unity! I put all out-going missions on hold until we figure this shit out!" She rolled her eyes and huffed before exiting just as quickly as she had arrived.
"Here here!" cried the ninja, pulling out notebooks and ball point pens to begin writing out their arguments for their seme of choice.
Naruto's mouth hung agape and Sasuke tried twice to unsuccessfully dispel a genjutsu that he hoped he was under.
A/N: It's a bit crack-y, yeah? Don't worry, it'll mellow out soon enough but (hopefully) retain the humor.
So, what did you think of it? Leave me your thoughts! Especially since this story is now complete, I'd be really interested in reading through an individual's comments as they read through each chapter, from start to finish! I'd be honored to receive that kind of feedback (or any kind)
Love, K.M.
UPDATE: This chapter has been edited!