Pandemonium Hearts
It never gets worse, but it never gets easier either
She never thought the day would come when she would be faced with a problem that couldn't be washed away in tidal waves of alcohol. In attempt, she drinks herself to a stupor and falls clumsily onto her bedroom floor, watching quietly as the world disintegrates around her, presenting a haphazard mess that somehow makes far more sense than reality ever will.
Upon careful reconstruction, she awaits the epiphany that tells her everything will be okay and waits and waits and waits. Eventually, time refuses to sympathise with her fragile state of mind and cruelly continues to narrate away the seconds… minutes… hours…, crossing off her remaining moments of sanity with each tick, reminding her of what she has lost and what they have to gain.
Yuzu is getting married.
Far be it from Karin to be anything but wholeheartedly and genuinely supportive of this, as she remembers the exchange of promises between sister and sister at the blossoming age of eight, where boys were no more than soccer opponents and marriage was the repulsive (read: secretly fascinating) contract of being forced to kiss the boy that could reach the farthest on the monkey bars.
"Karin," She had murmured, in a feather light breath; so delicate that Karin was afraid she might shatter the melody, even just by inhaling the same air. So she held her breath and enveloped Yuzu with the sympathy of her eyes, "If I get married to a boy, will you be next to me and hold my hand?"
And to Karin, who universe contained no cognitive function but being sister to Yuzu, considered no other reply than "Yeah, of course."
"Even though you think marriage is gross?"
"Marriage is gross."
"But what if I want to?"
"Then of course I will."
Karin watches the ceiling spin circles in front of her. She cannot make sense of the puzzle that is her vision, opting instead to close her eyes against the dizzying display.
Yet there is no solace and far too much empty space in her mind, craving to be filled. Her only offerings are her memories and they devour her from the inside out, releasing themselves as dribblets of tears into the heavy atmosphere.
The morning sunlight pierces the window and rouses him from a deep slumber. He doesn't make a sound, but shifts his body, aware of the empty coolness against his back. Although accustomed now to the warmth of love, he welcomes the cold that brings clarity and gets up out of the bed with no complaint.
It is snowing outside.
Walking over to the small window at the foot of the bed, he lightly presses the tips of his fingers onto the frosty glass pane. Upon removal, they glisten with a sheen of fresh condensation and chill him to the bone. He thinks of the cold and how it spreads everywhere, and wonders if the warmth can do the same.
Kurosaki Yuzu reminds him of Hinamori Momo - fragile in her innocence and pure in her goodness of heart. He sees Momo in her, and yearns for her every touch, the tinkling chimes of her melodic laughs and her unfaltering smile, exuberant in a way he could never understand.
He watches Yuzu sitting quietly at the kitchen table, mulling over a steaming mug of black tea and his heart flutters with gratitude that she is his and he will protect her and she will never leave him. Strolling swiftly to stand behind her, he reaches for her waist and rests his chin upon her left shoulder, murmuring words of morning greeting, thick from sleep and slurred from drowsiness. Her smell is wrong and the slope of her body feels different, but he tells himself that it does not matter because she is his.
Hitsugaya Toushirou is a smart man. But he lost his heart when he lost his best friend and like many tragic love stories, he did not treasure her while he had her and now she is gone.
Yuzu lifts her head to smile at him and then settles it to rest besides his. One of her hands circle her mug, drawing external warmth from it's steaming heat, preparing to combat against the sting of winter's chill. The other holds a teaspoon, stirring it round and round the edges of the mug like the hands of a rapidly ticking clock.
"What are you thinking about?"
The corners of her mouth curve into a swift grin and she jumps up to emphasise her plan. "I want to create a rabbit cafe!"
He blinks in surprise and the corner of his mouth twitches in amusement. "A rabbit cafe?"
"Yeah! Like, where you can sit down and drink coffee and watch rabbits all day! It's so perfect, I can't believe nobody in Japan has thought of this yet."
He decides to humour her. "No dream is a reality until you devise a plan, Yuzu."
"Oh, but I have! I've already hired Rukia-san and Inoue-san to help with the designs. We're going to make this the number one attraction in all of Karakura!"
Her eyes glaze over in excitement and she slumps a little to help concentrate on the crucial situation, would guests prefer pink walls with green polkadots or green walls with pink polkadots?
He gazes languidly into her black tea, catching miniature whirlpools in between stirs, thinking about how if the blackness of the opaque liquid matched the colour of Hinamori's ocean dark eyes, then the reflection of the sun's rays would be the sparkle that shone whenever she laughed.
Yuzu finishes the last of her tea, kisses him on the cheek and moves to wash up. Toushirou leans on the kitchen counter, quietly watching her work, the warmth from her kiss spreading to the ends of his toes. She turns her head to his with the softest smile and with shock, he realises that her eyes are a honey brown.
"How are you feeling?"
Karin hates that Yuzu has to ask this of her, and sets her mouth determinedly with a smile.
"Better than ever."
Yuzu watches the tenseness in the muscles outlining Karin's shoulders and fisted hands, understanding that Karin has always been like this, always needed to prove her own self-worth. Yuzu thinks of her own shoulders, devoid of the strength and power of her sister's, and draws upon the faults and flaws in her fragility and weakness. She hates that Karin feels the need - no, the obligation - to always protect her and wonders if her impeding marriage will finally release her sister from the chains of burden.
"My wedding is next week! Aren't you excited Karin-chan!" She's surprisingly relieved at how light and unwavering her voice projects across the empty room, flitting easily over the weight of the heavy air.
"Time passes so fast, Yuzu! Why, I remember when you still wet the bed at seven years old!" Deception comes easily to Karin, like embracing an old friend and she knows just as well as anyone that once you repeat something long enough, eventually you begin to believe it.
Yuzu grins, satisfied with the reply and winds a tendril of hair between her fingers. "Mou, Karin-chan! Don't bring that up now!"
"Ne, Yuzu," Karin's own grin dissipates naturally into smirk. "You'll always be a baby to me."
Kurosaki Karin doesn't know when she fell for him. Perhaps it was a gradual process, among the lazy days and sun-kissed afternoons, basking in the glory of victory against yet another delinquent soccer team.
They were the dream team, just the two of them. He could play defense, goalie, and wing in one while she dominated the attacking half as midfield and striker.
Invinsible, that's what they were.
She isn't sure what she'd be without him. She only understands that she has to grab the ball and attack the opposition and that if need be, he will always be behind her, moving fluidly in synchronisation behind her, ready to fall back on and ready to defend their goal.
When had he surpassed her?
Looking back, they have both moved on. Her to an engineering degree in University and him to settling down and finding Yuzu. Their blissful soccer days remains a engraved memory of the past, eternally etched in her mind as a reminder of the time she had fallen in love and never stood up and he had walked right on by.
The wedding is a beautiful affair, amid icy blue skies and unfalteringly sweet notes of gardenia, jasmine, white peony and rose.
Yuzu, clad in white, looks the epitome of elegance and Hitsugaya Toushirou knows that he has discovered an angel.
Kurosaki Karin does not - cannot - attend.
"I am so sorry, Yuzu. My uni course transferred me to study in Tokyo for a week. I can't make it."
Then comes the tragedy and neither side knows exactly how to handle it.
Who knew Kurosaki Yuzu couldn't drive a manual?
Hitsugaya Toushirou feels the ground beneath him crumble and cave, and does not try to help himself as he plummets head first into the waiting black abyss.
Yuzu is gone.
He blames himself, of course, for failing to understand the sweet, sweet contours of her mind, for failing to understand the unfinished map that marked the planes and hills of her body, the curve of her smile.
For failing to understand her.
For failing to understand.
For failing.
It was only months after her death he comes to the realisation that he knew nothing about her. Her radiance of warmth was not enough to melt the icy interior he had built after Hinamori left. And so now he doubles the layers, constructing walls that locks away his emotions, seamlessly sealing his heart from pain.
Kurosaki Karin, who is prodigious in the art of loss, learns that it never gets worse, but it never gets easier either. She finds herself stuck in a limbo of non-existence that taunts her with the laughter and smiles of daily passers-by's. Does flunking her next assignment, and then her entire degree even count if Yuzu isn't here to scold her about it? Does it even happen at all?
Her own life remains validated only by the memories of the people who left her behind, and Hitsugaya's shadow of his former self, lurking around the house that he cannot bear to let out of his sight.
She cannot bring herself to reach out for him and so they tiptoe spherically in a russian roulette, neither knowing how to comfort and always remaining a single inch away. Who knows who will blow up first.
"Ne, Toushirou." She gazes impassively at that broken face that she still loves and holds out a stack of paper. "Let's move out."
He takes the offered sheet and glances down. It's a Vendor's Statement and a Contract of Sale detailing the current Kurosaki residence and he is shocked that she has already gone this far.
"You don't have to agree just yet." She adds hastily.
Hitsugaya tears his eyes from the paper and, for the first time in a long time, stares at Karin's weary face. Her eyes are raven black like Hinamori Momo's yet he forgets to even compare the two because all he can see is broken red. He realises that although he is ice and she is fire, they are one and exactly the same.
"I trust you." The words slip out of his mouth before they register in his mind, surprising both parties involved. After a couple minutes, Karin offers a small smile, a message saying that she is willing to consider lowering her own walls to let him in and waits for him to reciprocate.
Hitsugaya lets out an intake of breath, nods and moves to sit beside her.
Although this entire exchange takes no more than a couple minutes, the recovery of their fractured friendship mends swiftly in the face of desperation. They find comfort once more in the familiarity of the other's presence.
Invincible, that's what they are.