This is a companion to the story i published a few weeks ago "My Immortal". i just wanted to write out my feelings in a fanfic. I suggest reading "my immortal" before reading this.

"~I don't wanna do this anymore

I don't wanna be the reason why

Every time I walk out the door

I see him die a little more inside~"

Unfaithful-Rihanna

"Bye Roxas, I'm going out for a few hours to hang with Kairi, Selphie, and Olette. I'll be back soon!" I picked up my purse and headed towards the front door. As I opened it I looked back at him once more. He was watching me and there was a hidden sadness deep in his eyes. He stood up and walked to me, wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead before whispering "I love you" in my ear. I gave him a small smile in return and closed the door behind me as I walked out.

I wasn't really going to hang out with my friends. I was going to meet my other boyfriend Riku. The worst thing was that Roxas knew this. He knew I was going out and cheating on him. He knew I wasn't faithful like he was. Every time I walked out the door, I saw him die a little more inside. But he stayed with me. Some would call it love. I called it denial.

I didn't put my radio on in the car on my way to Riku's house; something about hearing the love songs would've made me cry. When I reached his apartment, I knocked on the door twice. Riku opened with a smile on his face. I smiled back, but it wasn't a true smile.

"Hey Nams." He kissed me fully. I kissed back, just not with the same passion.

As we were lip-locked he led me to his room and we fell on the bed, me under him, still kissing and rubbing. We separated and he pulled off his shirt. Riku reached down and slowly slid the straps of my dress off of my shoulders. Eventually we had sex, but the whole time I couldn't stop thinking about Roxas. About his eyes. About his breaking heart.

I left Riku's around 1 in the morning. He was sleeping deeply and didn't even move when I got up. I rubbed my tired eyes before entering my car and driving back to Roxas.

I quietly opened the door to my home and walked into the living room to find Roxas sitting in the recliner, struggling to keep himself away while watching tv. When I walked in, he yawned, stretched, and finally smiled to me.

"How was the bar with your friends?" he asked.

I almost cried.

"I-it was fun. I didn't feel like drinking, though, so I just talked with them."

"As long as you had a good time." He smiled and led me to bed.

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

I woke up screaming in the middle of the night. I had had a nightmare that Riku killed Roxas and that I had helped. It was graphic, to say the least.

"Nami! Are you ok?" Roxas was up the instant I screamed.

"Y-Yeah. I-it was just a bad dream."

"About what?"

I had to lie. I couldn't tell him about Riku or my dream. "When my father used to beat me. Before you saved me." It seemed as though everything I said made me feel more and more guilty. I started to shake and cry uncontrollably.

"Shh. Shh." He pulled my head to his chest and I sobbed for the rest of the night.

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

A few nights later I was invited to go to Riku's again.

I walked over to Roxas and gave him a kiss. "I gotta go back to the office. I'll be back later tonight."

"Can't wait to see you later." He gave me another kiss and I walked away.

There was something in his eyes when I left that just…didn't seem right. I pushed it to the back of my mind, though, and drove to Riku's.

After we made love, I laid in bed next to Riku. I just didn't want to get up; something was bugging me and telling me that I shouldn't go home, that something was waiting for me there that would just utterly destroy me.

"Hey, Riku?" it was some time in the middle of the night.

"Hmm?"

"I-I want to tell Roxas about us. It isn't fair what we're doing to him. Will you come with me in the morning?"

"Yeah. I guess it is for the better."

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

The drive to Roxas' in the morning was silent and eerie. Riku didn't say a word while driving and I was only looking out the window.

When we finally reached our destination, I held Riku's hand at the front door.

"Ready?" I asked him. He just nodded his head.

"Roxas?" I called out, but when I reached the living room, I gasped.

Roxas, my savior, the man who stayed by my side, the man who I cheated and used, was dead on the recliner. There was a complacent smile on his lips and a note in his hand. Dried blood was stained into the carpet in a big puddle underneath him. There was still some blood oozing out of the dead veins in his wrists.

"Oh god! Oh god! Roxas!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I ran over to his lifeless body and shook it. I kept shaking and sobbing until I finally collapsed onto my knees. Riku came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, but I wrestled out of his grasp and sobbed into Roxas' dead lap. Riku took the note from Roxas' hands and read it.

"Dear Namine's lover,

It was hard to realize that she really wasn't mine. That day was…that day was when I figured out that I couldn't live without her. I wanted her to stay, to choose me, but I wanted her to leave and take all of the pain with her.

I had always watched over her, ever since I learned of what a fragile angel she was when we were younger. When she cried, I wiped away her tears. I made sure that she was ok, that whatever was hurting her would go away. She brought out a protective instinct in me.

She gave me a reason to live.

When we were together, she'd have nightmares of her father and the abusive things he inflicted on her. I would wake up with her, allow her to scream her and cry into my chest. I'd fight off of her fears for her. I'd be her knight in shining armor.

We'd hold hands and everything would be perfect. Nothing mattered as long as we were together and loving and caring for each other. I led her through hardships and she did the same for me.

But she didn't love me the way I love her now. She found you and you found her and I was left alone. But maybe I've been alone since the beginning. I don't know, nor do I care.

I remember everything. I'm haunted by my memories of us. I can't get sleep, I can't eat, I can't breathe. There's just too much that time cannot erase. I'm suffocating under everything.

I'm still with her in spirit. In her heart. In her memories.

She resonated this light that guided me through everything, but now that she's gone my world is only darkness. Solitude and darkness.

She still has all of me. She still has my heart and my soul and my pain.

Please, take care of Namine for me. Treat her right.

Pass on my love.

~Roxas"

I couldn't believe what he had written, but it was all there on the paper. I didn't realize how much I meant to him, how much I hurt him. Riku lead me out of the house even though I was still crying uncontrollably.

I woke up sometime later back at Riku's house. He explained that I had passed out the day before and hadn't gotten up. He called the funeral home and set up a funeral for Roxas that would be in 2 days.

Roxas had also written a will before he killed himself and left everything to me. That started a whole new crying fit.

A year later I still lived with the guilt.

I doubt that it will ever go away~x~

I don't really like rihanna, but i've always liked this song for some reason.

so, did you enjoy it?

review please.