Yes everyone, it's one of those. You know, one of those fics where some random other character overhears somethi - okay, just read. - Luna
What Happens in Bathrooms
"Hey! Hey, Kudou?" The Kansai-ben-inflected words bounced past the library door, up the stairs, and stopped, breathless, at the top. Their speaker, one tanned Hattori Heiji, scowled. His visit to the Kudou mansion to meet with his newly returned friend and said friend's best friend was not going well.
"You know, you probably shouldn't be leaving your front door unlocked, Kudou," called Hattori as he started up the stairs. Pausing in front of the other detective's bedroom and hearing only silence, he walked further down the hall. The light spilling out from underneath the bathroom door intrigued him, and he was about to open it when there was a loud crash from inside and a, "Good God, Kaito, what the hell's wrong with you?"
Frowning, Hattori leaned in and pressed his ear to the door, curious. There was the sound of shuffling.
"You didn't have to help me with this, Shinichi," came a different voice, one Hattori assumed to be that of Kudou's friend – Kuroba Kaito, was it?
"When I walked in and saw what you were doing, I couldn't really stop myself," laughed Kudou, making Kuroba whine.
"Anyway, you have to start by cleaning it," Kudou continued. "I'm going to trust that you know how to do something like that?"
"I know and of course I can," snapped Kuroba. "Just give me a second." There was a moment of near-silence with only a few grunts from Kuroba. Then –
"Ah! It got all over me, Shinichi! Now what do I do?"
There was a frenzy of movement, accompanied by a sigh. "Just let me clean it off."
"What happened, anyway?"
"You squeezed it too hard. How could you not even know that when we've done this so many times?"
"Whatever. It's clean now and we can go on."
"Okay. I guess I'll put it in for you?"
"I could do it myself, you know."
"But I want to."
"That's just an excuse so you can poke me in there. Hey! Ah!" There was a sharp gasp. "That's… that hurts!"
"You have to open it more otherwise it's not going to go in!"
Kuroba moaned. "It still hurts, you know!"
"We've done this so many times and you still claim it hurts?" Kudou tsked. "That's why you shouldn't get hard. Then this wouldn't happen, you know?"
"What wouldn't happen? Would you stop doing this with me and leave me alone when you find me in here if I didn't get hard?" Kuroba managed through gasps.
"Don't move – it's not going in –" Kudou growled, and Kuroba let out another breathy sound.
"You're being too rough with me! That's not something you should just pull at!"
"Be quiet. I'm really trying over here, you know." Pause. "Actually, isn't Hattori supposed to be here soon? We should stop."
"As if we could stop when we're like this!"
"But if he walks in on us, the secret will be out."
"At this point I don't even care!" Kaito let out another loud groan.
"Hey! It went in, Kaito!" Shinichi suddenly burst, his tone joyful.
Kaito moaned. "I can feel it! Now do it again!"
Hattori pulled his ear away from the door, his face the exact color of a tomato. With a loud clatter, he broke world records as he forcibly flew away from the door, down the steps, and out the front door, slamming it with a bang.
Inside the upstairs bathroom of the Kudou mansion, Kudou Shinichi paused in his ministrations. "Hey, did you just hear something?"
Kuroba Kaito, who stood opposite him, sighed. "No. Just get on with it."
"Okay then," Shinichi grinned. Reaching down to the counter, he pulled a contact lens from the right side of a holder. "But really, Kaito, why did you schedule a heist for today, anyway, if you knew Hattori was coming over?"
"I thought I could leave you guys to talk about detective-y stuff," Kaito shrugged, watching as the other balanced the lens on his finger.
"Open your eye," commanded Shinichi, and Kaito did just that, hissing when the contact touched his iris.
Exhaling, Shinichi patted the contact into place and stepped back, admiring Kaito's bright green eyes. "Seriously, Kaito, why did you have to get hard colored contacts anyway? If you just got the soft kind instead, I wouldn't feel compelled to help you put them in before every heist."
"The hard kind look more natural," Kaito insisted defiantly. "And anyway, I could've done it myself."
Shinichi grinned, moving in towards the magician. "Would you prefer that I didn't help you?" he asked in a low voice.
Kaito smirked back, leaning in and up to capture the detective in a kiss. Pulling back, he answered, "Not particularly."
Yay for Hattori being an imbecile!
This idea was thought up while I was putting in my contacts this morning. Yes, I do in fact wear rigid gas-permeable contact lenses. Hope you liked the failed attempt at humor OTL.
- Luna, who is STILL procrastinating writing ch. 3 of Gem of a Person