Natasha should have been the one that told him; instead he hears it from Captain America who mentions the agent that died. He looks at Natasha, silently begging her to tell him that it wasn't true, that it was a mistake, she just looks away from him, not meeting his eyes. His heart drops into his stomach, and he feels sick. Clint doesn't show his emotions; not in front of people, but he can't hold back the tears that make their way down his cheeks. He covers his face with his hands, muffling the sobs. Natasha grabs his arm and pulls him out of his seat, leading him out of the restaurant, the others staring after them, not understanding what is going on.
Later he steals a bottle of Natasha's Vodka, and locks himself in his quarters, knowing that it won't keep Natasha out if she really wanted in, but not caring. He wants to be alone, and Natasha usually understands what he wants. He sits on the floor and drinks straight from the bottle, ignoring the burn and the tears, and the pain. He doesn't sleep that night, he sits there staring blankly at the wall until the sun comes up and Natasha breaks into his room. She doesn't yell at him for stealing her vodka like he expects her to at first. But then she probably knows that he'll pay her back, and that for now he just needed to forget everything for a while, she knows everything.
XXX
Stark invites them all to move into his tower a few days later, and Clint accepts, because he can't stand being in SHIELD where everyone looks at him like they expect him to snap and kill them all. And he doesn't want to even think of the apartment in Brooklyn.
He sleeps fitfully the first night, he sees Loki every time he closes his eyes and hears "You have heart" echoing in his head. And spends half the night staring up at the ceiling above him and willing himself not to cry again. The next day, he finds Natasha and drags her away to somewhere private so they can talk.
"Was it me? Did I do it?" he asked quietly, fearing her answer, but having to know all the same. Natasha gives him a look that he can't read, she looks like she's trying to figure him out.
"No, Loki was the one who did it" Natasha answers, just as quietly as he had asked.
"I led him there" he mumbled quietly.
"Clint, do not do this to yourself, you can't blame yourself, it wasn't you, it was Loki" she told him firmly, hand gripping his shoulder. He just nodded and walked away.
He doesn't even try to sleep that night, instead he hides out in SHEILD headquarters, and then sneaks into the range. He shoots arrows for hours and his shoulders ache but he doesn't stop until the middle of the day, and then Fury kicks him out and tells him to go home. He does the same the same the next night, and the night after. He doesn't stop until his fingertips bleed from nocking, and shooting, then Fury drags him to medical, before he shoves him at Natasha with orders to keep him away from SHEILD until further notice.
It's a month after the invasion, after Clint's entire world has come crashing down around him. He hasn't slept much in that time. He's slept probably three hours every other night or less, and even then it hadn't been restful. He's eating less then usual, Natasha tries to feed him, even going so far as to cook him some of his favorite things. Natasha cooks so rarely that when she does you can't just refuse it. He drinks a lot, and even Stark who drinks like a fish ends up looking concerned and that should give him a hint, but he doesn't care. Nothing matters, not anymore.
XXX
Fury has them all come into SHIELD one day, and none of them can figure out why, though him and Natasha both think that Stark may have done something that made Fury mad. It wouldn't be the first time. But Fury doesn't start yelling at Stark, he just stands across the desk in front of them, hands down by his side.
"Reports of Agent Coulson's death have been slightly exaggerated. Coulson is in fact alive, and has spent the last month in medical recovering from the wound he sustained from facing Loki alone. He'll be here for awhile longer, but he is awake, and that's a good thing" Fury finished, and a second later Natasha who held herself back until he did so is out of her seat and moving towards Fury with the deadly grace she's known for. Her fist makes a satisfying sound when it connects with his cheek, as she swears at him in Russian. Clint hits him in the nose a minute after when he gets over the shock, and Natasha holds him back when he goes to hit him again. Fury is holding a now broken and bleeding nose, but he doesn't say anything to the two assassins. He had known that that was coming, those two were fiercely protective of Coulson.
"You ever lie to me about him again and I'll put an arrow through your other eye" Clint snapped, once he had calmed down some.
"May we see Agent Coulson" Rogers asked, standing with his arms crossed over his chest. Fury nodded, leading the group of pissed off superheroes from the room and down to medical.
XXX
Phil Coulson is paler then he had been, but his eyes are open and he's unmistakably alive, and that's enough for the little knot in Clint's stomach that has been there for the last month to disappear. Phil smiles when he sees them, and Clint pushes his way through and smiles back.
"Good to see you sir" Clint said, his smile growing into a grin.
"You as well Clint" Phil responded.
"We punched Fury" Natasha stated simply as she walked into the room and perched in the chair placed inside the room, watching as Clint sat on the side of the bed with a smirk. Phil raised one eyebrow, looking between the two.
"Indeed?" Phil asked, and Natasha nodded.
"He had it coming" Clint said angrily, hand clenching in his lap. Coulson didn't say anything, just laid one hand on top of Clint's own, squeezing gently.
"It's alright Clint, I'm alright" Phil told him soothingly.
"I thought I lost you" Clint said brokenly, Phil reaching up and tugging Clint down with a hand on his shoulder. Phil hugged him as best he could, as the younger man buried his face into his neck.
"You smell like alcohol" Phil stated, Clint snorted and leaned up, placing a chaste kiss to the older man's lips, ignoring the shocked noises from Banner and Rogers. The shout of "What the hell?!" from Stark, and the calls of "A most joyous occasion" from Thor.