Once upon a time there was a fat Italian stereotype named Mario who lived quite happily and joyously in the Mushroom Kingdom with his brother Luigi who was a tall, skinny Italian stereotype and their combined 80 illegitimate children from parts unknown. One day Mario said to Luigi "Mama mia! I sure am-a getting-a fat!"
"You said it, lardass!" Luigi replied.
"Why you!!!" Mario said in his best imitation of famed television personality Jackie Gleason, who happened to coincidentally appear at the front door just there and then!
"Wow!" said Mario. "I-a loved-a your TV show where you played that fat guy and that movie where you played another fat guy!"
"Wait a minute," said Luigi, "Isn't Jackie Gleason dead?" and just then Jackie Gleason collapsed in a pile of bones and dust revealing that he was actually dead and not alive as it had seemed earlier.
"Well now that we-a have solved the Mystery of the Jackie Gleason, what shall we do next?" Mario asked.
"Let's go out to the Mushroom Kingdom for some mushrooms and also burn our house down for the insurance money."
So Mario and Luigi set their house on fire but they forgot to leave the house before they did so and got burned a little bit but not too bad and at any rate they got out and started walking through the Mushroom Kingdom when they came across a weird plant! "I wonder what this plant is," Luigi said.
"Maybe it is a spaghetti tree! I-a saw one of those on TV once!"
"Doesn't look like it," said Luigi.
"Oh," said Mario, and they continued walking down the road until they came across a big fat huge fat turtle blocking their path. "Mama mia! What is this!" said Mario.
"I am the big fat huge fat turtle who is huge and big and fat and gigantic" said the turtle. "I will grant you three wishes if you do a favor for me."
"That sounds wonderful!" said Mario.
"I don't know, he's a damn turtle, you know how tricky those guys can be."
"What, how dare an Italian mock me, you shall die!" said the turtle to Luigi who promptly pulled out a big gun and shot him.
"Oh no! My-a brother, he-a has been shot!" said Mario.
"Bury my shell at wounded knee" said Luigi feebly.
"Wait a minute, you don't have a shell!"
Then the big fat huge fat turtle took off his shell and revealed himself to have been Luigi the whole time! "Mario! I saved you from the evil shapeshifting turtle that's been living with you for the past few months! Now he won't bother you-a no more!"
"But he owed me five bucks!" said Mario and while Mario and Luigi were standing in the middle of the road when just then a meteor fell and struck the flaming remains of their house and an alien popped out of the meteor! "I have come from a distant planet to kill everyone and everything!" said the alien.
"Sorry, we-a don't take kindly to killin' around these parts" said Mario, who was suddenly wearing a cowboy's outfit.
"Well then what is an alien like me to do?" said the alien.
"Why don't you go into the United States and work illegally? I think that might qualify as some sort of really clever social satire" said Luigi.
"OK!" said the alien as he left.
Mario and Luigi suddenly remembered they were going into town for some reason so they walked into the Mushroom Kingdom which for some reason was entirely dead and burned to the ground and destroyed and ruined and covered in salt and plague viruses. "What the heck!" said Mario. "What's with all of this stuff?"
"Hey, here's a note!" said Luigi, and he picked up the note which read "Must remember to buy bread, pay electrical bill."
"Oh no!" said Mario! "Clearly, when they forgot to pay their electrical bill, the entire city collapsed! We must go and destroy the electric company!"
So Mario and Luigi set off to destroy the electric company but they got lost and ended up in Las Vegas instead where they decided to watch a Siegfried and Roy show while getting married by a fat Elvis impersonator in a 24 hour chapel.
"Now that we're married, we have to go on a honeymoon" said Mario.
"But where shall we go?" said Luigi.
Just then, a good fairy appeared out of the skies and said "RARRRGH INCEST IS BAD ESPECIALLY WHEN IT IS OF THE GAY VARIETY I AM GOING TO SEND YOU BOTH TO THE SOVIET UNION."
Before Mario and Luigi could explain that the marriage was just an elaborate joke they found themselves in Siberia having to fight off polar bears and polar ice floes and polar Russians drunk on polar vodka. "This stinks!" said Mario. "Let's go to Cancun instead!"
"Before you can leave Russia, you must defeat ME, the great Vodka Drunkenski!" said an extremely stereotyped, tipsy voice, and Mario and Luigi were face-to-face with the famed boxer from Punch-Out! So it became a battle of the ethnic stereotypes as Mario and Vodka went 18 rounds in the squared circle oh it was a glorious fight with Vodka pummeling Mario mercilessly and the crowd going wild.
Just before it looked like Mario was out of the fight for good, Luigi intervened with a superstar, thus causing Mario to not only defeat Vodka but every single person in the audience and knock down a bank and defeat half of the Soviet army and destroy communism and teleport Mario and Luigi back to the Mushroom Kingdom instead of 1980s Russia for some bizarre reason.
"What a weird dream!" said Mario.
"Mario you imbecile that wasn't a dream that actually happened!" said Luigi.
"Why are you being so mean?" said Mario.
"Because you're dumb!" said Luigi.
Just then Toad arrived, screaming "MARIO MARIO MARIO green guy MARIO THE PRINCESS HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED OH IT'S TERRIBLE BOWSER IS DOING UNSPEAKABLE AND NASTY AND HORRIBLE AND DEPRAVED AND X-RATED AND GENERALLY NOT-NICE THINGS TO THE PRINCESS HELP!!!!!!!"
"Quick! To the Batmobile!" said Mario and Mario got into the Batmobile and drove off to rescue the Princess except Mario didn't know how to drive the Batmobile correctly so he accidentally drove it into the sun and burned up and died.
Meanwhile, Luigi had crashed a huge party Bowser was holding in the hopes that the princess would be there! "OK you big smelly spikey turtle guy, where's the Princess?"
"Who the hell is this green guy? Koopas, kill him."
The Koopas started to swarm Luigi but Luigi was a master of kung-fu (both the video game and the martial art) and started to karate chop and kick people while making noises that sounded like a diseased chicken trapped in a computer when suddenly the Princess arrived and she said "Hi Luigi I'm going to die now!" and she collapsed in a heap on the floor apparently dead!
"Oh my god, the Princess is dead!" said Luigi. "Now my brother and I won't have anyone to rescue!"
"And I won't have anyone to kidnap!" said Bowser.
"And I won't have anyone to draw!" said Andy who does not actually appear in this story but I bet he would be sad if Peach died!
Anyhow, the hugest funeral ever was thrown in the Princess's honor and everyone ever in the mushroom kingdom decided to attend and pay their respects to her even Booster despite the fact that he was hairy and ugly and smelled like rotting feet. But when everyone went up to the coffin there was a giant POOF and the coffin turned into a cake! "What is the meaning of this?" asked Luigi and suddenly Peach descended from the sky using her parasol to float.
"I was just playing a prank on everybody so I baked a cake for you all!"
"That is fine," said Luigi, "but Mario is still dead."
"What! You didn't tell me Mario was dead! Now I just might die after all!"
While this was taking place, a huge earthquake shook the ground and made people fall over. "Oh no!" said Peach. "It must be Godzilla!"
"Godzilla doesn't exist!" said Luigi. "Besides he lives in the ocean."
"Oh whoops my bad," said Peach, "it must be THE END OF THE WORLD" and the world split apart and everyone floated off into space.
Meanwhile in space Mario was sitting on the moon eating some moon pasta that he had ordered from a moon restaurant when he could hear the world being destroyed. "Mama mia! Not again!" said Mario as he saw the pieces float around randomly in space. "Now I'm going to have to put the world back together!"
TO BE CONTINUED