"Subdued Desires"
FE10(Radiant Dawn)
I shiver as his hands trail down the sides of my body, gasping as his lips latch onto the sensitive skin of my neck. I feel myself blushing at being so exposed, so vulnearable, but with what he's doing... I couldn't care less right now. I try to muffle myself as he explores the contours of my body, gripping me and pumping his hand at a slow pace, meant to tease. Tormod is such a damned tease... But Goddess, if I don't love it, condemn me now. He draws a whine from me, nipping at my skin, leaving love bites on my neck, my chest, down my stomach... I shudder with each touch, almost ashamed to show him how sensitive my body really is... But I'm pretty sure he loves it, judging by the cocky smirk on his face at a gasp of his name. I can just feel how hot my face is. Bastard. And then those fingers - oh I can't help letting out a loud moan when his free hand wraps around me again. I'm a squirming mess, I know it, and I don't know how much more of this I can take... Let dignity be damned - I doubt I have even a shread left in any case. I peek my eyes open again, licking my lips and failing to muffle another whimper, my words coming out in a whine that I'm ashamed to call my voice. "T-Tormod... G-Goddess,
"Tormod...!" I jolt up at the cry of my own voice, eyes darting around and chest clenching as I fight for breath. The boy in question groans next to me, blinking up at me with sleepy eyes. I feel like stabbing myself as the thought of how adorable he is flies through my head.
"Sothe...? What is it...?"
I swallow hard, shaking my head as I run a hand through my hair - I can feel my sweat and the heat radiating off of my face. I love the cover of the darkness... "Nothing... Go back to sleep." I bite my lip, but release a sigh and thank every spiritual being when he doesn't argue for once, eyes shutting and he's almost immediately snoring again. I sit there for a few minutes, completely still from years of instinctive practice. When I believe it's safe, I slowly slip from the mat, silently leaving our shared tent and taking a deep breath of the early morning air. The sun hasn't risen over the trees yet, but it's starting to get above the horizon. I can tell by the faintest lightening of the sky. No one else is awake yet. Good...
My body automatically wanders toward the lonely fire pit, sitting itself down in the dirt. I pull a slightly charred stick from the remains of what used to be a blaze roaring with life, now nothing but ashes and desolate twigs. I poke at its charred remains, sighing when its frail body snaps in two. I continue poking with the strong half remaining in my hand.
Damn. Another dream...
These dreams have been haunting me for weeks now... Perhaps longer. And they keep getting more vivid... But I simply can't have those feelings toward him. Not Tormod... He's the closest... Friend... I have, besides Micaiah. This could jepordize that... Besides, aren't men only supposed to have these feelings for women? No one ever really explained any of that to me... And there's no way I'm asking Micaiah about any of this.
I've just found myself... Drawn to him. No matter how much I fought it, he grew on me. Not that he gave me much choice...
"Hey, you grew up a lot like me, then! We're going to be best friends forever!" "Er... Well... We'll talk. Sometimes. But don't get the idea that we're best friends!" "Why? We have so much in common!" "No offense, Tormod, but thieves are loners. I can't have you tagging along, snapping twigs and making lots of noise!"
Of course, he tagged along in any case. There was no shaking him... Even when we reunited three years later, he acted as if no time had passed... Well, maybe not exactly. He certainly noticed how time changes people. I chuckle at the memory of his red face, reprimanding me for being taller... So trivial. I drop the twig and draw my knees to my chest, resting my chin on my crossed arms and closing my eyes, wishing the blush staining my cheeks away. Yes, he certainly noticed the change three years can make... Commenting on my exposed stomach and making more than one grab at my ass. Tormod was always forward, always teasing... Damn him. And damn myself... For never being able to get enough of him.
Of course, I make myself keep my distance. It's the only way I can control my thoughts... My damned imagination. So many scenarios play through my mind around him... Binding his wrists with my scarf and being the one to tease him... His lips at my neck and my body pressed against a tree, my own knives pinning the fabric around my wrists against the bark, unable to escape if I wanted to... Ugh! There it goes. I bury my face in my arms, letting out a frustrated grunt. This can't be right. It's not healthy to have these thoughts, so often and so vivid... Something is wrong with me.
Yet, it seems the more I deny my imagination, the more it gets revenge through my subconcious. Those dreams... Those damn, demented, delicious dreams that leave me delerious and writhing in my cot. They're horrible and intoxicating and wonderful... No, no. They're such a risk... I often find myself waking to my own moans and screams. Now that Tormod and I are sharing a tent again... That's incredibly problematic. I can't have him waking and hearing me moan his name like a floosey... Try as I might, I can't seem to stop the dreams, either.
As ridiculous as it seems, I've lost sleep in my effort to control this - to keep this secret and let life go on. I simply sneak off and take restless naps in trees from time to time, or just forego sleep in general. It works, until the others notice the weight of my exhaustion... Not to mention, sleep is a ruthless, and incredibly strong, enemy. I succumed to it last night... And very nearly paid for it. Damn these feelings...
I allow myself to slowly lie down and curl up by the remains of the fire, folding my hands under my head and taking in the smell of ash and morning dew, shivering at the coolness of the air over my bare arms and stomach. At least I know I won't have those dreams in this climate... I close my eyes and allow myself a restless nap, not staying awake long enough to formulate excuses for why I'd be sleeping out here.
...
I wake up to the roof of a tent, clutching sheets tight around me. I must have been freezing... And exhausted, to not have woken up when I was moved. I sit myself up, allowing a few moments to stretch my joints. I see the daylight through the canvas of the tent, standing and making my way out for the second time that day. The difference is that the campsite is now alive, commrades walking around and doing various tasks. I feel a tinge of guilt for sleeping, stepping over to sit by a newly reborn fire, next to a certain mage. I can't help it... I love just being near him.
"Hey, Sothe! You're up... Have you been okay? Micaiah and I found you freezing out here..."
I subtly scoot just a bit closer, and I can feel the heat radiating from him. He's always so warm... I stifle my thougts, blinking at him and just nodding. However, the care and worry in his voice brings about that fluttering in my stomach. "Yeah... I couldn't sleep. I guess I managed to out here, though..." He seems to have forgotten about me calling him this morning... Thank the Goddess. He hardly seemed awake, anyway...
"You've been having a lot of trouble sleeping these days, huh? I guess I'll just have to wear you out!" That evil grin was the only warning I got before an arm wrapped around me and pulled me against him, hand cupping my butt and giving a none-too-subtle squeeze. I feel heat rush to my cheeks, quickly forming my best glare. He just kept grinning. "Oh yeah. And good morning."
Fuck my imagination.