"...like, can you believe the nerve of that guy? I killed Spencer for him! Isn't that supposed to mean something!?" Negan sobbed and Dwight handed him another box of tissues. "I sliced that asshole's guts out for Rick and that stupid little prick didn't even thank me!"
"I'm sure he was having a pretty bad day," Dwight said and patted him awkwardly on the back. Honestly, he could be doing something better with his life than listening to his leader's crappy love life. Like deciding which songs to use to torture some random dude from some random group. He was thinking about using that fucking Barney song that he despised so much.
"I mean, doesn't he realize that I did it because I love him? Don't you just hate it when you love someone and they don't love you back? It's just so fucking-!" Negan threw a chair at the wall and continued ranting about how Rick didn't even bother to appreciate his acts of kindness or some shit like that. He reminded Dwight of that one college roommate he had who would always talk about her love problems and her slutty boyfriend. "...I mean, do you know how it feels when the love of your life just walks off with some bitch?"
"Because my wife totally didn't ditch me for you," Dwight said flatly.
"Why the fuck does Richonne even exist? I should be the one making out with him not her! I mean, she kinda reminds me of my ninja dog Cocoa, but still. I deserve be loved too you stupid little prick!"
"Negan, you have a shit load of wives."
"Yeah, but they're boring. Rick's special. With him and his sexy eyes and his sexy hair and his sexy voice. Why can't I love him? What's wrong with me?"
"Everything," Dwight muttered under his breath as Negan threw another chair at one of his men and then flipping the damn table.
"If I can't have Rick, no one can!" the bat wielding sociopathic weirdo yelled at no one in particular and walked out the door before slamming it shut. Everyone in the diner sighed in relief and the guy who'd been hit with the chair was okay.
"That's three hours of my life I'm never getting back," Dwight muttered to himself and drank the rest of his beer before walking off to find the perfect torture song for Daryl.