Disclaimer: I do not own anything dealing with Tim Burton. Also, I do not own anything Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling does, as she is a brilliant writer. If I did own Harry Potter, I wouldn't be writing crappy fanfictions, would I?
10 Ways to Annoy Severus Snape
1. Whenever you see him walking down a hallway, quickly press your back against the wall and, when he walks by, look around suspiciously and begin to (loudly) hum the theme song to "Mission Impossible".
2. Whenever he begins to give out a detention in class, jump up and down (waving your arms wildly) while yelling "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
3. Get a tatoo saying "Snape Rocks My Socks!" where everyone will be able to see it (make sure it's a fake...but make sure he doesn't know that it's a fake)
4. Get several muggle bouncy balls and throw them down the hall outside the Potions room (right when Snape walks out) shouting "Go, Pikachu, go!"
5. Slip an "Eraaction Enabler" potion into Snape's satchel and then, right in the middle of a staff meeting, charm the bag so it rips and the entire staff finds out about Snape's little...problem.
6. When Snape starts speaking to the class, start yelling "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
7. While handling a potentially lethal potions ingredient, walk up to Snape and ask him if he has any anti-depressants.
8. Put a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign on Snape's desk.
9. Use a sticking charm to attah a tampon (soaked in tomato juice) to Snape's shoe.
10. Put a bunch of alarm clocks in the Potions room and set them to go off at 5-minute intervals during class.
11. Using a sticking charm, attach a condom, soaked in lube, to Snape's shoe.
12. The minute Snape walks into class, yell out "BLOODY HELL, IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!"
13. Tell him that Filch accidentally ingested some lust potion (the object of which being Snape)
14. Snape had better not bend over in any dark corridors.
15. Tell Snape that Filch wants to have a threesome with him and Mrs. Norris.
16. Tell Snape that Wormtail wants to have a threesome with him and Voldemort.
17. Tell Snape that Lucius is secretly in love with him.
18. Say that Lupin mentioned something about paying Snape a "visit" during the full moon.
19. Tell Snape to go and snog a dementor.
20. The next time Snape asks a question in class, reply by asking "If I get this right, do I get a cookie?"...Then grin like an idiot.
21. Constantly grin like an idiot.
22. The next time he glares at you, walk up to Snape and hug him. (200 Galleons says it freaks him out)
23. Instead of "Professor", call him "Sevvie-Poo"
24. The next time he's mean, ask him if he's on his period.
25. Proceed to hand him a box of tampons.
26. The next time he acts pissy, stand really close to hi and shout "Professor Snape, STOP TOUCHING ME THERE!"
27. Proceed to cry.
28. Tell him you'll give him a gold star if he's nice to Neville during class.
29. Tell him Professor Trelawney wants to snog him.
30. Ask him how he's feeling.
31. Proceed to go into a rant abvout how you're on your period, and it's a Grade-A pain in the ass 'cause you've got really bad cramps.
32. Ask him if he's got any Midol.
33. Hide some alarm clocks in his bedroom and set them to go off at 2:00 am.
34. Walk into the Great Hall and confess your undying love for Snape to everyone in attendance.
35. Ask Snape if he knows the Song that Never Ends.
36. Proceed to sing the Song that Never Ends.
37. While drunk.
38. In the middle of Potions class.
39. During a test.
40. When Snape tells you to stop singing, reply by saying that you cast a charm on yourself and you won't be able to stop singing until he kisses you.
41. It has to be a real kiss.
42. Casually mention that the kiss has to take place in front of Hagrid, Dumbledore, and Professor McGonagal.
43. Pass a note to Harry and/or Ron right when Snape walks by, and wait for his face to turn beet red when he starts to read it aloud.
44. Make sure the note is (cough, cough, ahem) inappropriate, so Snape's face turns really red.
45. Make it blatantly obvious that the note is about you and Snape.
46. Follow Snape wherever he goes...except the bathroom.
47. On the off chance that you actually see Snape in a crowded hallway, go up to him and stand in his way until he storms off.
48. When he storms off, cry and yell "Why are you doing this, Severus? YOU KNOW THIS IS YOUR BABY!"
49. Run and hide before he gets a chance to kill you.
50. Make sure you pick a really good hiding place.
51. Proceend to wear armor to Potions.
52. For the rest of the year.
53. Switch all of the potions ingredients from his personal supply with cooking spices and liquid makeup.
54. Skip the next Potions lesson.
55. Tell him Harry and Ron both have crushes on him.
56. Ask Dobby to follow him (everywhere) for the next week, singing cheesy love songs the entire time.
57. Send him a platter of cheese.
58. Stinky cheese.
59. With crackers.
60. Stale crackers.
61. Anonymously send him a box of chocolates filled with an orgasm-inducing potion.
62. Tell him (anonymously) not to eat the chocolates until he's teaching your class.
63. Make sure you take pictures next Potions lesson.
64. Proceed to blackmail Snape with said photographs.
65. Bring a jar of dirt to class.
66. Tell Snape to guess what's inside.
67. Pretend not to pay attention in Potions (make it convincing)
68. When Snape notices this and tells you to repeat what he just said, reply with, "Dime mi amor. Mi todo."
69. Pray that Snape doesn't speak Spanish.
70. Ask him if he's a vampire.
71. Call him "caro"
72. Randomly yell out "Porkchop sandwhiches!" whenever he's around.
73. Send him socks for Christmas.
74. Whenever he calls you a know-it-all, tell him you want him.
75. Ask him if he's really as bad in bed as Malfoy says he is.
76. Go to class wearing a shirt that has a picture of him on it.
77. Tell him you're engaged, and you want him to be your maid of honor.
78. Ask him if he's goth.
79. Lick your lips whenever he looks at you.
80. Send him love letters signed "Wormtail", with lots of little hearts and other lovey-dovey crap.
81. Tell him you want to have his children.
82. Tell him Harry and Ron want to have his children.
83. Hand him a list of baby names.
84. After the Yule Ball, sneak up behind him and hit him with a temporary memory charm...
85. The next day after class, tell him you had fun after the ball, then wink and walk away.
86. Hide a blast-ended skrewt under his desk.
87. Walk up to him during dinner and (in front of everyone) thank him for warning you about "that mysterious little rash" the night before.
88. Giggle uncontrolably during class.
89. Switch his peanut brittle with cockroach clusters.
90. Tell him Peeves did it.
91. Send him a teddy bear that attacks someone if they curse it.
92. Beg him not to curse it.
93. Laugh at him when he shows up at class the next day with a teddy bear that won't stop pelting him with dungbombs.
94. Tell him that you'll give him a cookie if he smiles and his face doesn't break.
95. Tell him you're his long lost daughter.
96. When he doesn't believe you, hand him the "results" of a paternity test.
97. Call him daddy (get your mind out of that gutter!)
98. Crawl into bed with him and ask him to sing you a lullaby.
99. Cry when he says no.
100. Tell him you love him even though he's Tim Burton's idea of the perfect Santa Claus.
101. Tell him you wrote this list.
...o.:.O.:.o...
Dime mi amor. Mi todo. Tell me, my love. My all.
Caro Beloved, dear.
Author's Note: Well? Whatcha think? I dedicate this story to every single one of my weird, extremely random friends, as well as the more normal ones. I also dedicate this story to my best friend, Venomous Guise (she's in the process of writing her first fanfiction, so PM her with lots of encouragement!) as well as the completely fabulous fanfic author, Blonde Squirrel Her stories are friggin amazing...so go read them! As with all of my stories... Review please!