Disclaimer: We do not own Mobile Suit Gundam 0079, Puella Magi Madoka Magica, Axe Cop, MIB, Resident Evil, or anything really.
Note: We do not support the goals or interests of Gihren Zabi, Kai's swearing, or anything that comes out of Kyouko's mouth.
Warning: Do not attempt to make any sense of what you are about to read. If you do, your brain will turn into hamburger meat.
Declassified Files: The Case of the Skeevy Genie
On one fine summer morning, Garma Zabi awoke from his sleep. He really didn't feel like getting out of bed at 6 A.M. and parting from the nice tea celebration Jeffery the Amoeba was having in his honor. But he had been startled by the noise of a resounding roar. Garma groaned into his pillow and wondered if Char had forgotten to turn off Jurassic Park last night.
"GARMA, LOOK! I HAVE BECOME GREATER THAN THE SUM OF MY PARTS!" came a familiar scream.
Garma rubbed the remainder of the sleep from his eyes and kicked his feet off his bed, sliding them into his soft chickie slippers. He then padded on over to the window. He was sure Char had done something stupid as fuck. And he was not wrong.
Char could be seen wearing a cop uniform, but unlike his normal red uniforms it seemed to be stained with blood. He smiled from ear to ear like a demented child while carrying an axe that had a gold handle. Except this axe had deer horns carved into its side. Despite the unusual attire and blood speckled on Char's cheeks, this wasn't the reason for Garma's urge to scream. For next to Char was something much worse. And it came in the form of a forty-foot, scaly beast with two claws on each hand and a mouth full of razor teeth that could crush a car like a BLT sandwich. Garma was indeed staring face to face with a full grown male T-Rex. He wanted to slap himself or even retreat into his covers and pretend it was only the tv.
"GARMA, THIS AXE HAS CALLED TO ME TO BE THE CHOSEN ONE AGAINST OUR ENEMIES. SEE, IT HAS HORNS ON IT."
"CHAR, WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT? AND-A DINOSAUR? WHAT-"
Garma was lost in a sea of hundreds of emotions. The most dominant feelings were of confusion, fear, and rage. Confusion as to what was going on, fear of the unstable situation, and rage over the fact that Char was covered in blood. His hands balled into fists and he shook with an anger untold. Char on the other hand grinned like an idiot, holding the axe up in the air as if it was some sort of magical weapon-Excalibur. That's what it seemed to be to him. Garma finally placed his face directly into his right palm and shook his head.
"Garma, why are you not answering our calling? You need to look into my eyes and make a contract with me. That's what this talking rabbit said to me. And it's how I got this neat looking axe!"
Garma peered up from his hand and stared at him for a moment. How had Char gotten hold of that object and stain his stolen cop uniform with blood? It was strange, and foreign. As if something wasn't quite right with the universe.
"Char, what rabbit?"
"THE MAGIC RABBIT GARMA, GOD," Char said, swinging the axe over his shoulder and turning up his nose in annoyance. "He like has cat ears and rabbit ears at the same time and stuff, and he has a round thing on his back and he talks with his mind. He came to me when I was at McDonald's looking in the trash. He asked me if I wanted a wish. He said he'd do anything for me if I became a magical girl. I'm not a girl, but whatever."
"What?" Garma had heard a lot of Char's insane stories before, but this took the cake. "Have you eaten one of Ensign Lalah's brownies again?"
"No, Garma! I didn't eat any of her stuff this time. That's why I went to McDonald's. God, you're so dumb."
Annoyed, Garma decided to play along with Char's little story.
"Well, what did you wish for, then?"
"THIS AWESOME T-REX! Oh, and something else..."
"Well?"
Char looked up at the ceiling for a second and then a second turned into a few minutes. Garma then proceeded to poke him because drool started to come out of his mouth. And he didn't want to deal with that mess on his carpet.
"Oh, yeah. I don't really remember the rest of my wish. The rabbit started emitting some light like the candle I have in my bathroom and then I forgot everything. BUT LOOK AT THIS AXE!"
"Char, where did you get that axe? For real. That looks expensive."
"The rabbit! Garma, you foolish woman, why won't you believe me? He also gave me...THIS!"
Char held up a gorgeous deep red gem that looked like an egg. Garma blanched. That ruby had to be worth millions. He stumbled backward and rubbed himself on the forehead.
"Char, you better take those things back from where you stole them! What did you-what did you do last night?"
"This is my soul gem, Garma! And all I did was kill a witch. It was awesome. My T-Rex ate her with his mouth and I was like, 'FUCK YEAH THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!' And there was blood everywhere and I wish I taped it because it would get so many hits on Youtube."
"Char, this isn't funny!" Garma cried, beginning to panic.
"Oh, and the rabbit told me that you should make a contract with him. He said you would be powerful or something. I don't know about that since you're a woman. But you could wish me a burger for your Char."
"Char, I'm not wishing you any food! In fact, you need to stop sneaking things from our kitchen because you mess everything up in there for our cook. You can't put meat outside on the counter for hours. It gets spoiled."
"GARMA, MY RABBIT FRIEND NEEDS THAT MEAT!"
"Char, even if there is a god-damned magic rabbit, rabbits do not eat meat. So don't touch our meat!"
"YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS YOU DIDN'T MEET HIM FIRST BECAUSE YOU'RE A GIRL AND HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU."
"CHAR!"
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Garma began to shake. How on Earth would he explain what was going on?
"Char, you need to get the hell out of here with that dinosaur of yours."
"Screw you! I can do whatever I want, I'm a magical girl!"
"Char!"
The pounding on the door continued, getting louder each time.
"Garma, this is Big Brother! I was wondering if you wanted to read Mein Kampf with me! You know this is part of our Saturday lesson."
Garma shook his head and sighed. He wondered sometimes what he did to deserve dealing with these people.
"Gihren, I'm rather busy with Char right now."
There was a pause for a second. Then Gihren said, "Oh, well, I guess he can read with us too. I'm coming in!"
"NO!"
Too late.
Gihren stopped cold when he saw the dinosaur outside of the window and Char standing there covered in blood, his axe slung over his shoulder and soul gem still held high in display. He blinked several times, and switched the heavy book in his arms from one side to the other several times.
"Well, little brother," he said softly, "it does look like you have some fascinating interests."
"It's not what it looks like!" Garma cried.
"Where did that fine specimen of a dinosaur come from?" Gihren asked, smirking. There was nothing Garma could do. Char opened his mouth and could not be stopped from letting the motor run until the room was filled with the carbon monoxide of his stupidity.
"I TALKED TO A MAGIC RABBIT AT MCDONALD'S AND HE SAID IF I MADE A CONTRACT WITH HIM I COULD WISH FOR ANYTHING I WANTED!"
Gihren twitched his nose in thought. He knew that most of what Char said was utter bullshit, but there was a dinosaur standing outside of Garma's window. He smirked even more deviously, deep in devious thoughts. Would this rabbit still be at McDonald's? Which one? The one at the mall? Or the one on the corner near the tire shop? He wondered. There were some things he had in mind when it came to wishes. And if he had to be under some kind of contract, so be it.
Char on the other hand began pulling at Garma's hair to get his attention at something going on outside.
"OW. There's no need to do that. What do you want-"
There was a girl in a frilly pink dress with pink hair in ponytails outside running straight towards them. She waved a bow in the air and screamed something but was too far away to be heard.
"I think she needs our help," Garma mused as the others turned to the window. Gihren secretly thought she would be better with golden locks.
"NO GARMA," Char said, "THAT BITCH TACKLED ME EARLIER WHEN I WAS EATING CHICKEN NUGGETS AND TALKING TO MY RABBIT BRO. SHE'S A DICK. THEN SHE SHOT MY RABBIT FRIEND WITH HER GAY BOW BUT HE CAN REGENERATE BECAUSE HE'S AWESOME."
"Garma, she looks like she's trying to warn us about something!" Gihren growled, predatory notes wafting about on his voice. He peeked his head out the window, wondering if she would contemplate a dye job. "YOUNG LADY! WHAT IS IT? GIHREN ZABI IS HERE TO HELP YOU, DEAR HEART."
The girl in the frilly dress was within earshot, yelling, "GARMA, PLEASE DON'T LISTEN TO THAT BLONDE MAN! I HAVE COME FROM THE FUTURE TO TELL YOU THIS."
Garma raised his eyebrows. This was getting stranger by the second. The girl ran up to the three men, and said, "My name is Madoka. I am a magic girl-"
"SCREW YOU. YOU'RE NOT AS COOL AS ME!"
"CHAR!"
Madoka rolled her eyes and looked at Garma, "You can't make a contract. If you do, the entire world as we know it will be destroyed."
Garma was more inclined to listen to this young lady than Char, who was waving his axe around and thrusting his hips in her direction. Her voice carried a heavy gravity that let him know she was telling the absolute truth, and he nodded his head.
"You don't need to tell me twice," he said with a smile, "Should any talking rabbit come around, I'll be sure to tell him where to go."
"Will you...be able to handle it?" Madoka asked, looking a little worried.
"Sure!" Garma said with a reassuring smile, "It's just a little bunny right, how harmful could he be?"
Madoka simply stared.
"Well, if that's what you think...God have mercy upon you..."
Garma decided he had enough of looking around at Char and Gihren. Char, who was now swinging his axe at pictures on the wall. And Gihren, who had the look on his face that he was plotting something. Garma looked down at Madoka and said, "Would you like to get some coffee and talk more about this wish business? I need to know if it can be reversed with my friend."
She looked to the side with a worried expression and whispered, "It's...not safe outside anymore. A virus broke out."
Garma blinked, and then stared at her for a second. "What...do you mean?" If she meant the flu, that was nothing to worry about. Flu season always went away by the end of the month. But she sounded afraid. And someone like that who carried around a magical bow to be trembling, something was up.
"The blonde man over there wished for something to happen to all the colonies and Earth. He watches too many movies."
"Are you talking about the History Channel? NOW I REMEMBER! I wished for a T-Virus to break out so I could kill zombies with an awesome axe. I know everything will be okay because this happened before in the early 2000s."
"CHAR, YOU DUMBASS!" Garma screamed, "WE DON'T EVEN GET THE HISTORY CHANNEL, ONLY GIHREN! YOU WERE WATCHING FUCKING SHOWTIME!"
"Same smell," Char said. "Anyway, I'm magic. And I have an axe. So it's not like I have to worry."
"This is not something to take lightly," Gihren said with a wide grin, "Tell me, young lady, where will I be able to find this magical rabbit friend of yours?"
"Kyubey..." Madoka said, a look of utter malice on her face the likes of which none of them had ever seen before. "I don't know where he is right now. But you don't need to look for him. He'll find you. Believe me, he'll find you...with this virus, he's probably making a mint in contracts right now..."
Garma decided he needed to find his Minute Maid stash near the kitchen. Yes. That seemed like a good idea before tackling on this new epidemic that was going to spread throughout the universe. Walking down the hall, he bumped into Kycilia, who was walking very strangely. She stared at him with blank eyes and that glimmered with a bit of red in them.
"Garma, you need to make a contract with Kyubey. If you do, you can stop this epidemic and get all the Minute Maid you want. You can be a Minute Maid god."
"What...? Kycillia, were you listening in on our...? What's with your voice?"
Kycillia grabbed Garma by the shoulders.
"Do it...you could...change everything."
"DEAR SISTER, DON'T SULLY WHAT YOU HAVE BY SOILING YOURSELF WITH LITTLE BROTHER!"
Kycilia's eyes then shined and turned back into her dark brown ones. "Gihren, what the hell do you want? Ouch, my head! I need some Excedrin."
"Dear sister, you were about to-"
"I wasn't about to do anything!" Kycillia cried. She looked at Garma. "Oh-Garma, what's going on?"
"I don't know. You were just telling me to make a contract with Kyubey-"
"Kyubey? Who the hell is Kyubey?" Kycillia looked up at Gihren, narrowing her eyes. "Alright, you bastard. What the hell did you do to me this time, huh? Was it GHB? Ketamine? Shrooms?"
Gihren pulled on his collar and looked away at a portrait of the family on the right wall. "I don't know what you're talking about, my dear sister. Perhaps we can discuss the importance of drug usage privately in my office."
"No thank you. I'd rather not have a reason for the police to come over to search for your dead body."
Garma tapped Kycilia's shoulder and suggested, "Perhaps we should find Lalah. I'm sure she's been around town more than us. She usually buys her ingredients for magical herbs during the early morning."
The others nodded. Lalah did have a tendency to meet men in dark alleyways to buy her groceries. Kycilia took out her cell phone and gave it to Garma. He dialed Lalah's number.
"Hello, Lalah?"
"Is this god?"
"No, this is Garma," Garma said. He looked up at Kycillia, who was tapping her foot in impatience. He would have to explain the situation to her later. "Lalah, what's the situation downtown?"
"Everyone's high," Lalah said, "They're walking around with bloodshot eyes, moaning and running into things...but I'm alright."
"What?"
"You see, I met this cat with ears inside of his ears, and he said he'd grant me a wish in return for being magic...so I chose to be magic. So I'm using my giant bong shaped gun to shoot everything and keep myself safe...and high."
"What did you wish for?"
"A magic castle...made of the bombest weed ever."
"What location are you at right now?" Garma asked. She might be high on weed all the time, but she was his friend. And she helped him find the moon god sometimes though magic sex.
"I'm on top of the roof at Starbucks. I thought it would be safe because it's made of stars."
"...Okay. Well, I'm taking the car with Char and the rest of the gang. We'll meet you there to pick you up. Maybe we can get some answers from survivors."
"Alright..." Lalah said, before bursting into a fit of laughter. "Can you bring me some Cheetos and a Snickers?"
"Sure, whatever—I need to hang up. Be safe!"
"Oh wow, I didn't even notice that space was turning!"
Garma hung up and turned to Kycillia, handing the phone back to her.
"What's going on?" she asked, her voice grave.
"There's...an outbreak of a very bad virus," Garma said, "And...a wish-granting cat rabbit on the loose."
"What? Garma, are you okay?"
"It's true," came a voice. It was Madoka. She was dragging Char's unconscious body by the foot behind her. "Hello, I'm Madoka. And shit...is beginning to get real."
Garma kneeled down to her level and sighed. "I know you must have not been able to deal with my friend over there that you're dragging. But please wake him up. We need his help. He might have some answers if his memory is coming back."
"Fine. But he needs to stop calling me The Pink Devil. I'm not a devil. I'm thirteen."
"Understood."
Garma stood up and watched pink light shoot from her hands. Char levitated from the floor for a few seconds as light pored through his skin. He then started singing in a Latin chant until he opened his eyes.
"Garma, what happened? Did The Pink-"
"Char, don't say that about our new friend."
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. SHE'S A MURDERER!"
"Oh?"
"I TOLD YOU, MAN. SHE KILLED RABBIT GUY."
"But you said he came back to life."
"Yeah, but-still, it's a dick move!"
"Let it go, Char. If he came back to life obviously it wasn't a big deal to him."
"Did I tell you he tastes like Peeps?"
"I-what?"
"Microwaved...Peeps..." Char licked his lips as his eyes glimmered with a ravenous look that scared Garma.
"...Okay. Well, we should get going."
They ran to the garage and got into the car. Gihren insisted on driving and argued he could do parallel parking better than anyone in their party. No one else wanted to argue, because there were more important things at hand. In fact, the One Year War really didn't seem to matter now.
"WE NEED TO GO BACK TO MCDONALD'S," Char cried from the back seat.
"Now is not the time for that!" Kycillia said, "If all of this is true...which, by looking out the window, I can see it is...then we need to get to Starbucks as quickly as we can. What about this rabbit? If he grants wishes...maybe we can stop this with a wish."
"Yes," Char said, "rabbit dude can fix anything because he's awesome and I think he might be god."
"NO!" Madoka protested, "He's not-he's not what he says he is!"
"But we need a miracle!" Kycillia cried, "Look at this mess!"
They arrived at Starbucks, Gihren taking a good five minutes to park the car out front just to prove his point. Madoka pulled on Garma's sleeve. Garma didn't even care he still had on his pajamas.
"Garma," she whispered scared, "it's a trap. Kyubey's expecting you to make a wish to change this!"
The hairs on the back of Garma's neck rose and his skin prickled so much it hurt. "Okay. I understand. But what about Kycilia? She's insistent."
"Don't let her make a wish! If you love your sister, you'll listen to me. She'll...she'll lose her soul if she does it!"
Garma looked over at Kycilia who was yelling at Gihren for being pompous about where they parked. He saddened at the thought of her losing her soul. The same soul that was now making Big Brother cry out in pain.
"HEY YOU GUUUUUUYS!" Lalah yelled up from the roof. Garma rolled down the window and looked up. Lalah was dressed in the frilliest hippie outfit he had ever seen with a pair of John Lennon sunglasses perched upon her nose. There was a small, white thing on her head that looked like a plush.
"Come on up. You can see my magic weed castle from here. I plan to journey from it later after I eat all of the croissant sandwiches."
Everyone got out of the car and rushed into the Starbucks, making a scramble to the roof. Char, on the other hand, chased after the randomly shambling zombies and blew them up with his axe.
"EXPLODEY AXE SHIMMER POWER!" he cried each time he swung it. Madoka lingered in the doorway and shook her head. Rookies.
"Hello," Lalah said as she welcomed everyone to the roof. The red-eyed creature on her head perked up as soon as it saw Garma. A chill ran down his spine as its dead, blood-red eyes bored into his. He hid behind Gihren, something he hadn't done since he was three.
"Welcome to my magical lair. This, on my head, is my cat friend Starshine Tuesday Hello. We're keeping watch to make sure the crazy people who can't handle their grass don't get us."
The demon cat rabbit leaped off of Lalah's shoulder and ran to Garma. "Hello, my name is Kyubey. Kyubey knows how to stop all this from happening. Just make a contract and your wish will come true."
"Um, no that's okay. I think I'm alright."
"Well, think it over and get back to Kyubey when you change your mind."
Garma went up to Lalah and put his hand on her shoulder, "Lalah, you need to come with us. Starshine...erm, he can stay up here on the roof to watch over your castle."
"NO!" Lalah said, "We can't just leave him here, he is a valuable food source! He tastes like microwaved Peeps!"
"What-?"
Garma stared at Lalah. What the hell was this about this Kyubey thing tasting like microwaved Peeps? Did they...lick him or something? He shivered at the thought.
"So...this contract..." Garma heard Girhen saying. He whirled around to find his brother holding Kyubey up, a look of absolute greedy insanity on his face. "What are the terms, my adorable friend?"
"Gihren, don't do it," Garma cried halfheartedly. He really didn't mind if Gihren sold his soul. He probably didn't have one anyway.
The creature named Kyubey looked inquisitively at him.
"This is strange for Kyubey. Kyubey has never experienced meeting a human that is not a goldmine."
Gihren had a befuddled expression on his face and put the creature down. "Does this mean we have a deal?"
"Kyubey cannot grant a wish if Kyubey does not meet a goldmine. Kyubey cannot grant your wish. Kyubey apologizes. But Kyubey can make your brother Garma grant your wish for you."
"What?" Garma cried. "There's no way-"
"Garma, please-dear sister-and Adolf-and also, the SS, make it mine-and I want a tank...thousands of tanks! And a statue, twenty stories tall of my likeness in the nude..."
"Gihren, there's no way I'm granting that. Kycilia would kill me as well as you if I did."
Gihren grabbed Garma's shoulders and yelled, "GARMA, THINK OF YOUR BLOODLINE! You and I share a bond that is beyond the non-blonde pink-haired girl and Char who is an idiot. You need to do what is right for your Fatherland!"
"That's...not by granting you a wish to have sex with our sister."
"It's an act of love, Garma! And I wouldn't be selfish. I'd share her with Ad-"
"I've heard enough!" Garma cried, covering his ears. "There will be no more discussion of wishes on this rooftop!"
"Are you sure?" Kyubey said, rolling around on the ground.
"YES!"
Madoka shot the thing for good measure. Char and Lalah immediately gravitated toward the dead body and ripped it apart, devouring it in a rather horrific display.
"UGH!" Cried Kycillia, "What on Earth-that's-"
"Do you want some?" Lalah said, "It has a really mild flavor and excellent texture."
Another Kyubey bounded onto the roof.
"Kyubey was beaten to his reward once again! You two need to stop! Kyubey gets hungry too, you know!"
"There's still sandwiches downstairs," Lalah said.
"Kyubey doesn't want the sandwiches!"
Garma needed to get off this roof, and possibly off this colony. If he could make contact with a nearby spacecraft, he could get them out of there. And possibly Gihren. Definitely not that strange animal though. It gave him a feeling of skeeviness he felt every time he came across Gihren talking to his secretary about putting on Kycilia's uniform.
"Guys, I think it's time to leave," Garma said, turning to go down the steps. Lalah and Char finished off the dead Kyubey and stood up.
"Where are we going?"
"To find a spaceship," Garma said.
Kyubey began following them.
"YOU CAN STAY," Garma yelled.
Kyubey sat, simply staring and immobile as they left. Humans. They really didn't know better, did they?
Meanwhile, on White Base, Amuro was busy firing his hand laser down the hall. His skin-tight bathing-suit like federation suit clung to his body and made him uncomfortable. He scratched the v-shaped emblem stuck to his head, where his soul gem glowed yellow.
"This is shitty!" He screamed, "That rat bunny thing lied to us!"
"I know," Kai said, reloading his uzi. He was wearing a rather frilly gangster outfit with short, clingy daisy dukes. "This has to be the biggest rip-off ever."
Jobe Jon was coming down the hallway, completely unphased by their attacks. Suddenly, someone bounded down the hallway, throwing curved blades that stuck in the zombie's body. Kai and Amuro looked for the source of the blades-it was Fraw, dressed in a skintight dominatrix outfit, a black cape fluttering behind her. She smiled sweetly at them.
"Hey, you guys!" she said. "I was looking for you! Did you guys make wishes, too? What were they?"
"HOLY SHIT FUCK ON A PASTELE! Fraw, you just killed Jobe Jon! What the fuck," Kai said with his eyes widening.
Fraw turned around to see Jobe John crawling slowly towards Amuro's leg while moaning. "Oh," she laughed, "silly me, I missed his head!" She grabbed a pike out of her left breast while Kai and Amuro wondered how she managed to do that considering it was six feet long, and stabbed Jobe Jon in the skull.
"So, what was it?" she asked. "I wished for this neat outfit so I could fight zombies with whatever I pulled out of my boobs."
"That's a fucking stupid wish." Kai said. "I wished for a thousand chicks to ride on my massive cock."
He then hit the wall of the ship as his ass tight shorts rode up. "But that asshole rabbit thing made a thousand baby chickens appear out of nowhere to chase my pants. I nearly had my dick ripped off!"
Fraw laughed.
"That sounds cute! I wish I was there! What about you, Amuro?"
"I wished...TO BE GUNDAM..." Amuro cried, "But look at me...LOOK AT ME! I only have Gundam's abilities! I look like some sort of fetish fanart..."
"How the fuck is my dick getting ripped off by chickens cute?" Kai snapped at Fraw.
"It's cute!" Fraw said with a bright smile, "So are your outfits, especially Amuro's! I just want to pinch his little bum-bum cheeks!"
Bright came running down the hallway, dressed like some sort of bizarre mix between a 19th century judge and a stripper. He wore a pair of pince nez and was carrying a bunch of books.
"What the hell is going on here?" He cried, "Amuro, you're supposed to be cleaning your room!"
"But Bright-"
Bright went in for a slap. As he did, time slowed and his hand glowed purple with an awesome power before making contact with Amuro's face. The boy flew through several walls and ended up somewhere on the other side of the ship.
"What the fuck?" Kai cried, "What the hell is that power-?"
"If you don't want to be on the receiving end of my pretty time slap, you'd better listen up. I can't make contact with any of the other ships or Earth. Everything is completely cut off. Something must be wrong."
"Oh, we should find Ryu, Hyato, Sayla, and Mirai," Fraw said. "I want to know what their wishes were!"
"Probably dumb ones like yours," Kai said. He dodged Bright's slap before it was too late.
They marched off to the bridge. White Base had decided long ago that it would be their meeting point if anything had gone awry. And zombies on the ship was definitely one of those times.
They found Sayla standing on the bridge with Mirai-the others were nowhere to be seen. Several other people were there, all of them wearing frilly outfits and crying to themselves. Sayla appeared to be the only one...
"Sayla, didn't you make a wish?" Fraw asked.
"No," Sayla said, "Because I'm not a dumbass. I know when someone's being a manipulative bastard."
Mirai, who was dressed in a fairy-looking gown with a corset and a crown of silver flowers on her head sighed as Bright and the others settled in the room. Amuro slid through the door moments later.
"What we have here," Bright said, "is a problem of the utmost severity. Zombies...have invaded both our ship...and god knows wherever else. I can't make contact with anyone. And...we...are like this."
"We got duped!" a girl yelled.
"I don't know how on earth you guys believed you could get whatever you wanted for nothing," Sayla said, shaking her head. Kai scoffed.
"You're just a pussy who doesn't want to fight witches."
"Even in your magical form," Sayla growled, "I could kick your ass. Do you want me to do it?"
"COME AT ME, BRO!"
Sayla shrieked a battle cry and tackled Kai to the ground. With a few good punches, Kai was down for the count. He eventually yelled an apology after Sayla had ripped out chunks of his grey locks.
"Okay, whatever. I don't care that much about you becoming a Puella Magi anyway. But you'll never know what it's like running away from a thousand baby chickens trying to eat off your bits."
"That was your own damn fault," Sayla said. "Haven't you ever watched Wishmaster? You don't trust someone just going around and offering wishes, dumbass."
"Damn I forgot about that movie!" Kai yelled, slamming his fist against the wall. "Cocksucker! We need to get back at that fucking satanic Pokemon."
"First we need to take care of our zombie situation. Ryu, Amuro! I need you all to put the ship on lock down. That means searching the ship and taking out anyone who looks like a Zombie. Sayla! Try to contact the nearest ship. Fraw! Assemble what crew we have to gather remaining food supplies. And Mirai, I need to talk to you about what Amuro was doing-"
"Bright, I don't think this is the time for this."
"Alright, well steer the ship for the course of Side 6. We need to find neutral territory to see what on Earth is going on."
Suddenly, there was static over the radio.
"He-Hello? Is anyone out there...? This is-the Zabis on Side 3-we need-we need help, anyone-please come and get us, there's-unspeakable terror-"
"That's Garma Zabi's voice!" Sayla said, running over to the communications panel and pushing the girl dressed like a poor-man's sailor moon outfit out of the seat. She put the spare headset on and sat down.
"Hello?" she said. "This is White Base, can you hear me?"
"Sayla, are you insane?" Bright said, "That's the Zabi family! They're the enemy!"
"You would call someone the enemy during an event like this?" Sayla said, "We need all the help we can get, and we should be helping all the survivors we possibly can, regardless of affiliation."
"Hello?" came the voice again. "White Base-is-this a Federation ship?"
"Yes, but we are currently conducting rescue operations. What docking station are you at-"
"Sayla, we're locking down."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, BRIGHT!"
There were the sounds of a scuffle, and Sayla filled with worry. Did someone get them?
"I WANT A LARGE FRIES, AND A DRINK. AND LIKE TEN BURGERS, THE CHEAPEST ONE YOU HAVE THAT HAS CHEESE ON IT."
Sayla's blood froze as she recognized the voice-could it be...big brother? She couldn't bring herself to say anything.
"HELLO? WHAT'S WRONG? THIS IS THE WORST SERVICE EVER. I'M GOING TO CALL THE MANAGER AND GET YOU FIRED."
"Big...brother..."
"I DON'T WANT A BIG MAC I WANT THE CHEAP CHEESEBURGERS SO I CAN FUEL MY MAGIC."
"I don't know what you mean, but we're sending help right away! How many survivors do you have?"
There was a noise in the background and muffled yelling. Suddenly, Garma's voice got back on the line, "We have only six people with us. Unfortunately...things don't look so well here. Everyone is a zombie. Someone made a very stupid wish to spread a T-Virus, and now we have this problem to deal with."
"It's okay, we're sending help. Just hold on!"
Sayla turned and looked at Kai and Amuro.
"Wow, I'm so glad you two decided to be helpful and go out on this rescue mission out of the goodness of your hearts!"
"We didn't do jack shit!" Kai yelled. Sayla batted her eyelashes. "And where's Hayato? He still hasn't entered the bridge."
"I'm right here!" came Hayato's voice. When everyone turned to look at him, their jaws dropped.
He was taller than everyone. Bright, even. And he looked a lot like Tom Cruise...Tom Cruise dressed in a nightie.
"Hayato...what?" Sayla choked. Fraw giggled.
"I guess we know what Hayato wished for!"
Kai crossed his arms and glared at Sayla. "I'm not doing shit for you! You can't expect me to run after some Zeeks and put my neck on the line. I already got ripped off on my wish. I'm going to eat some burgers."
"Kai," Sayla batted her eyelashes and rubbed his shoulder gently. "I need you to do this small favor me."
"Fuck you, prude. You think that's enough? I could have had a thousand chicks on my cock."
"THEN HE WOULD HAVE MADE ONE-THOUSAND WOMEN BE ON YOUR COCK ALL AT ONCE. HOW DO YOU THINK THAT WOULD FEEL?"
Kai blinked.
"FUCKING AWESOME!"
"No," Sayla said, her eyes narrowing, "YOUR DICK WOULD BE CRUSHED BEYOND RECOGNITION AND YOU'D SUFFOCATE, DYING OF HEATSTOKE BENEATH ONE-THOUSAND BODIES."
Kai replied, smiling widely and his eyes beaming, "BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A DEATH OF A THOUSAND CHICKS ON MY COCK."
"YOU IDIOT!" Sayla screamed, getting ready to hit Kai. Just as her hand was about to make contact, Kai went slamming into a wall and was replaced with a young redheaded girl wearing a rather revealing red outfit.
"FUCK!" she screamed, "WE WERE TOO LATE. EVERYONE'S A FUCKING PUELLA MAGI."
"I told you we shouldn't have stopped at KFC! And McDonald's! And Wendy's!" said a small blue-haired girl. Unlike the redhead, she entered the room quietly and calmly.
"HEY," the redhead said, "I was hungry. I needed that food...in fact...I think I need to know where the nearest Pizza Hut is."
She walked over to the com link and put on the headset. Everyone could only stare in confusion.
"YOU FUCKING BITCH!" Kai screamed, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?"
"Shut the fuck up, dumbass," the girl said, "I don't have time to deal with gay gangsters. I need to find Pizza Hut. Right. Now."
"Who said you could mooch off our food, bitchho?" Kai said, taking out his gun. "In fact, how do we know you're not a super zombie?"
"Kai, don't be stupid, "Sayla said rolling her eyes. "She doesn't have a bite on her and she's a Puella Magi..thing...like yourself." She shivered.
"Yeah, well I hope she made a better wish that's helpful. And I still am wondering what you're offering up to the table, Sayla."
"Fuck you."
"That's the point!"
The redhead looked back at Sayla, who was shooting daggers at Kai with her absolutely frozen stare.
"Eh. Zombie, Puella Magi...there's no difference. You wanna get technical, that's your business, but it's really the same damn thing. Except we don't stink."
Everyone went quiet.
"What the fuck are you saying, miss young bootyho?" Kai said, "You don't look like you know jack shit, coming in here with your fucking nightie and demanding Pizza Hut like some spoiled brat at Chuck-E-Cheese-"
"Bitch, I know Kyubey," the girl said, "You know, that white rabbit asshole that came in here and did all of this-he rips out your soul. Your body is dead without your soul gem."
"PROVE IT, TALKING TINA."
The girl calmly walked up to Kai, ripped the Saint Christopher pendant from his neck and threw it as hard as she could down the hallway.
"HA. I'M NOT FU-"
Kai fell to the floor, his eyes dull and lifeless. Fraw wandered over and poked him in the face.
"OOOOH," she said, "I read a story like this once on Goreparty_."
"Fraw, stay away from that body," Sayla snapped. "This isn't some kind of fantasy you can play out."
"Oh fine, I'll go get his Soul Stone then." As she returned for it, they saw Kai's eyes regain life in them again, and he gasped for air.
"WHY THE FUCK AM I ON THE GROUND? BITCH, DID YOU KNOCK ME OUT AGAIN?"
"NO, DUMBASS," Sayla said. "This girl here just proved that you're all dead anyway. I guess that makes you immune to the T-Virus. But it's not like it helps the fact that you all sold your souls to a Sanrio plush for stupid crap."
"You call it stupid all you want, but it would have made me a man," Kai said, sighing with a longing of loneliness that reeked of nights spent by himself with a left hand and magazines of Jenna Jameson.
Suddenly, there was a call on the com link.
"Pizza Hut!" a voice rang out. The redhead stood up.
"That would be my order," she said, waltzing down the hallway and taking the hand of the quiet blue-haired girl. Sayla and the others followed close behind.
"Wait," she said, "Who are you guys, anyway? How did you get on this ship?"
"We traveled back in time and used the teleporter ring we stole from Nicola Tesla's ghost," the blue-haired girl said. "I'm Sayaka, and this is Kyouko-"
"They don't need to know who we are," Kyouko said. "As soon as I get my pizzas we're going back to 1980 and I'm going to eat more McDonald's."
"But we need to help! What about Madoka and the others?"
"Madoka can look after her own damn self. She's like made of god lasers or something."
When Kyouko approached the airlock. She paused as she looked at the video screen. Kai came up behind her and pointed, laughing.
"HA. PIZZA MAN'S A FUCKING ZOMBIE. SCREW YOU, KINDERWHORE."
The pizza man moaned lowly hitting the door constantly instead of pulling at the handle. Kyouko whipped out her spear and screamed loudly with the anger of a thousand raging bulls and jammed it into one of the communication devices.
"YOU FOOL!" Bright screamed. "YOU REALIZED WHAT YOU DID OVER PIZZA?"
"ASSWIPE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE GLORIES OF THREE CHEESE PIZZA. I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU A SHISH KABOB."
Bright made his hand of justice glow an angry purple.
"Bring it, Amuro-I mean, you. Whoever you are."
Kyouko jumped at Bright and he moved to slap her, but when he did it has no effect. Her spear had gone through him, but in his shock he didn't even notice.
"My...my slap... Why didn't it work?"
"What did you wish for?"
"To have supreme slap-command over my crew for all eternity, especially Amuro."
"That's your problem," Kyouko said with a grin, "the powers you get relate to your wish. That move doesn't work on me because I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR CREW, BITCH."
"GOD DAMN YOU!" Bright screamed, pulling the spear from his chest rather absentmindedly. "Everyone, listen, from now on, this young lady is one of the crew!"
"What-"
"IT'S THE JUSTICE, MOTHERFUCKER!" Bright screamed, his hand coming down on the young girl's face. She hit the wall, rubbing her cheek.
"NOT EVEN MY OWN FATHER HIT ME!"
Bright smiled inside and knew that whatever happened in the end, he had lived a full life.
"Fraw, Mirai. I need you to fix that communications device with your...magic. We need to have that open to whatever surviving ships are out there!"
"Right on it!"