Scared? No…. terrified… that's more like it. I tried to remember what my mom had always said, never be afraid.
The doctors and nurses rushed around me so fast, but everything else was in slow motion. My doctor was screaming at the nurses to prep me for something…. Surgery?
"Sweetie, we are going to put you in to a nice long sleep okay, everything will be fine, i swear" then she held a mask to my face… but I fought the gas threating to push me into a deep sleep. I need to know what is going on. One minute I was walking home from store, and then next there was a sharp pain in my side…
My baby! I tried to rip the mask of my face. "My baby! My baby" but the lady pushed me back down, and pushed the mask back on me
"Chill out honey, just sleep" but my baby I screamed in my head, it is only 6 months along! My baby my poor little baby! I just keep pushing the gas, until I could no long fight it and I feel in to a deep sleep, were my nightly nightmares started.
Dream
I was walking, alone again, down that dark street. I remember that night so clearly… it's almost like I recorded it and am made to relive that awful night all over again…
But I walk, I need where he was he always hind in the same place waiting for me… so many things I should have done differently. Starting with a year ago-
Flash back (in the dream…)
"I am sorry Edward, I love I will always love you. You know that, but I can't I hurt too much I have to get away from here, were everyone knows me, and what happened to my mom. I just can't do this anymore, if I wasn't for you I would have left a month ago." I look up to Edward my heart breaking but no tears ran down my face, after losing my mother, nothing could make me cry.
"Bella! Please! Don't leave, I know about everything the drug, the drinking! I know Bella; I have been ripping me apart! I love you so much; we can get through this Bella, just like everything else." Tear ran down his face, and that broke my heart even more.
"I am sorry Edward. I just can't, I am leaving, and I don't know where I am going. But swear to me that you will not blame you self. I love you, but it's just not enough this time
End of flash back (in dream)
Nothing could rip me apart more than losing Edward my true love. My mom died, she was my best friend, and she left me, and I could deal with it…. I thought back to all the drugs and drinking, throwing my life away, stealing so that I could by drug, being so careless with my life.
And then getting rap, and getting pregnant… at the age of 18. I am now working 2 jobs, without a school degree.
I miss Edward so much these day, but I can't stand the thought of having him not want nasty old me.
Waking up
I hear that annoy beeping noise that all ways lets you know that you are in the hospital. I rolled over and felt a sharp pain again… I reached down and my bell was flat! Where is my baby at?
I slowly set up, and pushed the nurse call button, and a nurse coming running in. Ms. Swan, you're awake.
"Where is my baby?" I said
"Ms. Swan? Do you know what happened to you?"
"Where is my baby?" I all but screamed at the poor women
"Your baby is fine, now listen to me, do you know what happened?" I shook my head telling her I didn't know what had happened. "Ms. Swan, you were shot" what!
"your baby barely made it, but it's just fine now, other than being is very very little, the baby is strong, you have been asleep for about 3day, you are welcome to go home at any time. You will be very sore."
My baby is okay… "Is it a boy or a girl?" she looked at me and smiled,
"Ms. Swan, you have yourself a beautiful baby boy, looks just like you!"
"May I see him?" she went out of the room or a moment and came back holding a tiny little blanking that was raping my sweet baby boy
She laid him in my arm and walked out of the door,
I looked down at him, and see was right he did look like me, good, I couldn't take looking at that face every day, not that I would love him any less.
He was asleep up stated to stir, and he let out a horrid scream.
I ran my finger over his soft face "shh, sweetheart, mommy is hear. You are safe now. I love you." He opened two of the biggest brown eyes I have ever seen, and stopped crying. He quickly fell back asleep in my arm.
I did it! I made him stop crying! I looked down and him and watched him sleep, trying to think of a name… and then it hit me.
Landon Anthony Swan
Landon, and he is wonderful… he was simple amazing. I held him in my arms for hours, until the nurse came in and took him from me, telling me if I want to leave tomorrow then I would need some sleep.
So I feel asleep thing of how I could make my life better for my son…..
I awoke in the middle of the night and started crying, knowing that I couldn't do this on my own. I am working two jobs, I don't have a car, I am living in a crappy apartment… nowhere I would ever take Landon, with my mother being dead; I had no Idea where to turn to.
My dad, I remember the countless time he had told me if I had ever bother to get into trouble don't bother knocking on his door. He knew how screed up I was with drugs. If he himself hadn't been in the bottle, he would have kicked me out. There was only one person that really cared about me, and I bet he hates me now; I left him a year ago.
I thought back to the Cullen's that is Edwards's last name. He had the most wonderful family ever.
Carlyle he wonderful dad, he is or at least was a great doctor. Esme, the sweetest person in the world, she was the best cook ever.
Edward has a brother and a sister, Emmett and Alice. Emmett there is so much I could say about him, but he is like the brother I never had. I feel so bad, because other than Edward, Emmett hurt the most out of anyone, I remember him holding me down and screaming at me that I had to stop or I would get myself killed, Edward had to pry him off of me, but I was never mad at Emmett for that. I know he was just trying to help me the only way he knew how.
Alice, she was my best friend. We would shop, and watch chick flicks together, and laugh. We would always say that one day we would be sister, because of me and Edward, but deep down, we both knew we were already sisters. Until I messed that up; after my mom died, Alice tried to drown me in her love, but I pushed her away. I recall one time, she told me that it would get better, and I yelled at her, and said thing that I regret every day. That was about a month before I left, and the last time she talked to me.
Emmett is dating Rosalie… or was at least. She was one of the smartest and funniest people I had ever known. And jasper is Alice sole mate. He had a way of calming her down like no one could.
But Edward, I love Edward. He had the most patents with me, I yelled and screamed and told him I hated him, more time then I can count, and yet every time he would pull me into a hug. He was my rock, my life, my everything. But I left him, I broke his heart, he must hate me know. I remember his smile, and his lovely bronzed hair. The way he would rap him arm around me and make all the problems stop. The way I would feel when his lips moved with mine, was more like heaven then anything I have ever known.
Most people would think it was crazy the way I acted when I lost my mother, but they don't understate, she was my best friend, she was always there for me, no matter what.
I feel make to sleep, know that tomorrow, I was going to have to do something. I wanted to close my eyes know that there was someone in the world that still loved me….
And then I remembered, I have my little Landon… and for him I would find a way. I had to.
Next morning
"Ms. Swan, you can leave now" the nurse woke me up handing me London. I filled out some paper work and then that was it.
Since I am still under 18 and have no health care they didn't charge me, some new program they had, and that's a very very good thing. They also had a church group that help single young mothers out, they gave me a car set, about 8out fits, a thing of diapers and wipes, and a few bottles and a pack of formula stuff a diaper bag and a 100 dollars. Then the hospital, gave me his baby blanket, I was really thankful for the help.
So with Landon in his car seat, I carried him out of the hospital, still sore from the gun shot. I really didn't know what to do from there, so I walked to my jobs to tell them I quit… thankful it was not a long walk… because I had a lot to carry.
I watch as everyone in the book story, one of my jobs, owed and ohhed over Landon. I was worried about germs with my other fast food job, so I just called in. I walked to the nearest bus stop and set the car seat down, and picked Landon, and held him close to me.
"Landon, mommy really doesn't know what to do" I looked down at him and he opened his eyes, and if it was possible, it was like he looked at me and with his eyes says 'you know what to do' and I did.
So I grabbed all that belonged to us, and walked to the nearest pay phone. Still holding him in my arms, I dialed the number I had dialed a thousand times before
"Hello" said his sweet voice just like I remember it.
"Can you come get me?" I thought he was going to ask who this was, I have talked to him in a year but he shocked me
"Where are you, Bella?" and for the first time since my mother died I felt a hot tear run down my face.
"Port Angles" I never made it very far.
"I will be there in fifteen minutes, meet me at the store" I looked over and the store was just down the road.
"Thank you, Edward" he sighed
"Bella, I will see you in a few minutes, I am already on my way" I hung up the phone and walked to the store.
I was thinking about Edward. How much I had missed his voice, and everything about him.
Landon started crying, so I rocked him a little, and held him tighter. "It's okay Landon, Edward is coming to get us, you will love him." I sat down on another bench, the pain in my side becoming more known… and started to sing to Landon….
6lbs and 9oz. lookin' up at me, like I have all the answers
I hope I have the ones you need
I've never really done this, now I know what scared is
Sometimes I'll protect you from everything that's wrong
Other times I'll let you just find out on your own
But that's when you'll be growin',
And the whole time I'll be knowin
You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be
I'm afraid you'll have to suffer through
some of my mistakes
Lord knows I'll be trying OH to give you what it takes
What it takes to know the difference
Between getting by and livin'
'Cause anything worth doing is worth doing all the way
Just know you'll have to live with all
the choices that you make
So make sure you're always givin' way
more than you're takin'
You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be
Someone's everything
You're gonna see
Just what you are to me
You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be
Always loved by me
I put Landon in his seat just as Edward pulled up. Edward got out of his car and then he seen me.
"BELLA" he screamed and ran to me, I stud up and he rapped him arms around me. oh how I have missed these arms.
"Edward, thank you for coming; There is someone one you need to meet", I lifted Landon out and put him in Edwards arms.
He looked down at him, and studied him, and then placed him back into my arms without another word, and got in the car.
"Are you coming or what" he snapped at me.
I quickly gathered my thing and hooked the car seat up, and got in. I looked at Edward, and he seemed mad, anger then I had ever seen him.
"SO THAT'S WHY HUH!" he said really loudly and Landon started crying, I reached back and soothed him, and then looked at Edward "so that's why, because I want to wait until we got married! But know with all your drugs and drinking and crap you didn't care! Where am I even taking you!" Edward whispered screamed at me.
I looked out of the window, with tears running down my face, and Edward pulled the car over and sighed. "Bella I am sor-" but I cut him off
"I was rapped Edward! Okay, I want to wait until we got married! Wanted that to, yes I was into drinking and drugs, after I left, but when that happened and I found out I was having a baby I quit! All of it, and then I remember all I had done to you and Emmett and Alice! And I am sorry. I love you, I didn't want to hurt you!" I took a deep breath "and then about a week ago I was shot, in that run down shit hole I live in, between the two jobs that I work, and I almost lost my baby! By an inch of his life, but yet he pulled through." I looked at Edward and he had tearing running down his face
"Bella I am so sorry, I had no idea. Why didn't you call me I would have helped you, you know that." He told me
"I thought you hated me for all I did to you" he laughed…. Here it comes that of course I hate you
"Bella, listen to me! I could NEVER hate you. I love you, that's why I went crazy, when you put that baby In my arms, the thought of you with someone else, it just killed me."
"It's okay Edward, I am so sorry!" he rapped him arms around me, and held me tight
"Bella, I have missed you so much" he breathed in to my hair… "So what's his name?" I lend back and looked at him
"Well, his name is Landon, Landon Anthony Swan. I remember how you said you want to name your kid Landon, and I love that name to, and Anthony because it's your middle name. Is that alright?"
"That is more than alright" he lent down and his lips brushed mine… and it was like our first kiss all over again. I knotted my fingers in his hair, pulling him closer to me, as his lips moved in sync with mine. I felt this hot tongue run over my lips begging for entrance, which I granted to him instantly, our kiss what fast and urgent but at the same time, just as loving.
Soon we were both pulling away to breath. "God I have missed you." He said as kissed my lips again. I rested my forehead against his.
"Edward… I hate to put a downer on the party… but I have nowhere to go" I blushed at my own words because of how bad I must have looked saying that I could take care of Landon.
"Yes you do, remember… you will always have home with me." I thought back to when I had heard that before.
Flash back
It was right after my mom had died, I took of run. Right after the doctors told me she was dead, I ran out of the door. My dad didn't even have time to stop me. I ran, and ran tears running down my face, I ran in to the woods. To the only place I knew I could be alone.
An old tree house Edward had built when he was younger. I climbed up in it and sat there in a ball praying to God that it wasn't true. It started to poor down ran, and then I got soaked. I stayed there for hours. I had my cell phone with me, and my dad kept calling me, and so did Alice and Edward.
I just sat there wishing death would have taken me instead of my wonderful mother. Hours came and went, when I heard something moving in the leaves… but I just sat there, it got closer and closer. When Edward climbed up in the tree house, he didn't say word.
He just rapped him arms around me, understanding no amounts of its okay, it will get better would help. He never said we should get going, or anything, he gave me time. Even with my true loves arms around me I felt all alone in the world.
"Edward?" I cried into him arms he rubbed my back gently
"yes, Bella" he said kissing my head
"I don't have anything, I don't have my mom, I don't have a home, yes I have a house with charley, but it will never be a home. A home is love, and that is gone forever" I cried even more at my own words
"Bella" Edward called he held my face up to see my swollen red eyes, and my wet close, if I hadn't been in so much pain I would have been so cold. He held me in his arms "Bella, you will always no matter what happens, you will always have a home with me."
I could tell by how he said it that he wasn't just talking about a house, he was talking about a home, so where that you felt safe, and loved.
End of flashback
I looked Edward in the eye "I love you"
Edward drove back to his house, as we held hands. He told me about how he had started collage that spring, and how he lives only down the road from his mom, dad, Alice, Emmett.
He told me that he would love it if I would live with him, and I said yes fast. He said there was pliantly of room for London.
As we pulled into his drive way before he got out I asked "Edward does Charlie hate me?"
"Bella, that man has been looking for you sense you left he misses you like crazy." I smiled at this
"Will you drive me over there, I would love to see him, and see if he has any of my close still?" He smiled at nodded and we left and pulled into his drive way.
"Edward, will you stay out her with Landon for a little while, I need to explain to Charlie a few things before he sees him? Okay?"
"That's fine love take all the time you need" I got Landon out of his set and handed him to Edward without waking him up.
My stomach started doing flips as I rang the doorbell.
"hel- Bella!" he screamed rapping me in a hug. "it's been to long sweetheart come in!" I did
"Dad… as you know, I was into a lot of drugs when I left, and I still was… but then I got rapped…"
"By who I will kill that son-" I heard Edward open the door holding a screaming Landon, I quickly got up and got my baby.
" I am so sorry, Bella, he started screaming and I didn't know what to do" Edward explained
Charlie glared at Edward; it was easy to tell what he was thinking.
"No dad… like I said, I was rapped, I called Edward today, to come and get me, he told me I could live with him" I said while rocking Landon, knowing what he need, but not having the time to feed him quite yet.
"Oh, are you sure Bella" I nodded he knew how much I loved Edward. "Okay then, if you deed anything out of your room it the same as when you left it, and who is this little guy", he got up and took Landon from me, and he stopped crying just like that.
"Dad that is your grandson, Landon Anthony Swan." I could tell that he already loved him. "I am going to go get some stuff, but I need to feed him. If you don't mine, but then I will bring him back down"
Charlie pouted a little then handed me my baby. I started up stairs and I looked back at Edward, and he looked like he didn't know what to do… "Come on, Edward." He did has I said
When we got to my room I sat in my old rocking chair, and Edward just looked at me weird. "Are you sure you want me in here?" he asked, he face was so funny I laughed.
"Yes, Edward its fine, plus if I am living with you, you need get used to it" I laughed again, I don't think I had laughed since I had left, but Edward made everything better, okay.
I moved over to sit on the bed, and Edward sat by me, I grabbed Landon's blanket, and a rag.
I was never into anything babyish… but when it came to breast feeding, it all seemed right. Like know matter what I couldn't give my baby I could give him some that he need the most and him feeding ease was always a plus.
He quickly latched on and started to eat, and I grabbed Edwards hand with my free hand.
After Landon was done Edward looked at me, "Bella, I have never seen anything more beautiful." He said and he led over and kissed me, I burped Landon, and then gave him to Edward, and told him to rock him back and forth, and he quickly fell asleep.
"My to favorite men, in the whole world" I said while I quickly packed a few thing, ready to start my new life, with Edward and my son.
Later getting back to Edwards house
As we walked into Edwards's house, it was not that big but just right for three people. Edward held Landon and carried his bag, and I took the rest of his stuff. I put my stuff in Edwards room, it would not be weird sharing a bed with him, we use to sleep by each other all the time, ever if we did not sleep with each other we both wanted to wait.
"Bella, we are going to have to get some stuff for Landon." I knew we would, I barely had anything.
"Okay, when do you want to go?"
"How about now" then I remember something that made me almost sick
"Edward, I don't have any money, I just have a little from what the hospital gave me." I looked down. He sat down Landon who was sitting in his little car seat.
"Bella" he said walking up to me "I might just be in collage but I have a wonderful job at the hospital here, and you know that we have always had a good amount of money. Please let me take care of you and Landon"
"Why would you want to? I was so horrible to you?"
"Because I love you, I have always… and you could never be horrible. You were upset, I really understand, and Bella, I was torn up without you, and I will not lose you again. Landon, is so sweet, I want to be a part of his life." he said
"Really?" he nodded and we left.
As we drove Landon was asleep, but as soon as I pulled in out of his car seat he woke up.
"You want to go shopping sweetie! Get you a new bed, and some outfits" he just smiled a little bit.
So Edward and I walked in hand in hand with Landon in my arms. As we walked in people stop and awed and Ohh over Landon, some people even told Edward he had a cute baby.
I am sure what that looked like, but Edward didn't correct them, he just smiled proudly.
We walked over to the cribs and Edward picked out the most expensive one…
"Edward he doesn't need anything that nice" I said rubbing his back
"Yes he does, he needs the best of everything" I knew there was no need to fight with Edward about this.
So we bought everything that he would ever need, toys, outfits, a crib, and another car seat, and Edward even insisted on getting me some new stuff.
On the way back Edward looked worried about something.
"What is it Edward?"
"What would you say to going and seeing my family?" why was he worried? Of course I would.
"Yea I would love to see them again!" he smiled but his eyes still held his worry.
"Bella, Emmett, he married Rose, and Alice and Jasper are engaged. Emmett is going to be thrilled about you being back, he has been different ever since you left, he calls Charlie ever day to see if you called, and he begged me to go and look, he didn't get that you need time, he felt like he lost you."
"I am going to love to see him again to, hope he love Landon, And Alice, I kno-" he filched at my words.
"What's wrong?" he looked down, debating whether to tell me or not, "Edward just tells me?"
"I don't know how to tell you, Bella" he looked pained "Alice is still really mad, she won't say your name, if anyone says your name she leafs the room, and she took all of the pictures of you from their house down, and hide them."
I felt tears welt up in my eyes, my best friends hates me.
"Bella, are you sure you want to go? We don't have to, I just know everyone else is dyeing to see you again" I put on a fake smile
"Yea, its fine lets go, but let's go home first and unpack everything" he nodded
When we got home we unpacked, and I heard Landon crying from the other room, with the baby monitor.
Edward ran in to the room, and I laughed at him. "What's wrong with him" Edward looked panicked
I laughed at him, and he just glared at me "nothing" I said picking him up and knowing within seconds what was wrong "he need a diaper change. He is going to need feed in about an hour." Edward just nodded.
Thank full that we had already put the changing table up, I laid him on it.
"Here we go, Edward will you grab a diaper and the wipes." He did as I asked and watched me change him.
"Ewww, that is so gross"
"Ohh come on Dr. Edward!" Yea Edward was in school to be a doctor.
"whatever" I changed Landon's outfit to something that we had just bought, a little brown and blue striped shirt, with baby blue jean pants. He looks so adorable.
We left and were soon in the Cullen's drive way. I got out and pulled Landon out, and Edward got his bag. My heart was pounding.
Edward opened the door and Esme opened the door, and gasped.
"Bella, is that you!" I nodded, she hugged me careful not to crush my Landon "I have missed you so much! And who is this little guy?" she said running her long slim fingers over his brown curly hair.
"This is my baby, Landon." And like Charlie did, Esme looked over at Edward with wondering eyes.
"Is he yours" Esme look so happy at the thought of it being Edwards, and right has Edward about to answer he started crying.
"Umm mom can you hold on a minute we need to go grab something from the car. She nodded and said she was going to go get Emmett.
As we walked outside I wondered why Edward said we need to come out here, all Landon need was to be rocked back to sleep which I was doing know.
"umm Bella, we need to talk about something, I mean if you don't like the idea you can just say so and we will forget it… but I was wounding if it might you know be…"
"Edward, spit it out!" I begged him to tell me.
"I just thought that maybe we could tell everyone that Landon is my son… I mean you know my family and they will make a big deal out of your getting raped. Not that it isn't a big deal it's just, that I thought you might want to move past it. And you know Landon is going to need a dad. Put if you don't like the idea it's all up to you, I don't want to do anything that would make you uncomf-"
I kissed him to shut him up "Edward that is a wonderful idea, but we will have to tell Charlie not to say anything, and get his name changed… Ohh Edward I love you!" I had been hoping he would ask to take the place as Landon's father, I knew no one better for the job.
So we told the world the news of our new baby. I really didn't think my life could get any better, but two weeks later Edward asked me to be his wife, and we held a small ceremony.
Alice was still very upset with me and wouldn't talk to me until I corned him into a room and demanded she listened by the end of it, we were laughing and crying. I had my best friend and my true love back.
Sometimes seconded chances do come around so when they do… don't be afraid to grab them.
THE END….
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