Disclaimer: BSG is not mine or we would clearly have gotten 40 minutes of Laura every week!
Pairing: Roslin/Adar. Setting: Caprica before the apocalypse.
Warning: If you dislike Laura-only and/or Adar you won't enjoy this! Just saying... TY to everybody who reads this either way! *hugs*

Imperfection

She sighed. The warmth of his breath tickling her neck, Laura kept her eyes closed to indulge in the feeling of lying in his arms. It wasn't so often that she was able to wake in his embrace, to feel his heaving chest against her back, to enjoy the calm rythm of his heartbeat.

She hated the mornings she had to spend alone, woken by her alarm clock, his scent nowhere to be found. Dragging herself out of bed, showering solo, no one there to share her breakfast with; it was those mornings however that made her appreciate the ones with him more. The mornings with him by her side, holding her, often waking her with a caress or soft kisses on her skin. Mornings like today.

Laura smiled. She had given up on feeling guilty. The more involved Richard had gotten in Colonial politics, the happier she was that she wasn't part of that life. Being dragged into the limelight, being scrutinized by the press, having photographers following her every step and gossip columns judging her appearance – she could very well do without that.

Being the Secretary of Education was something that appealed to her. She was under the radar enough to live her quiet little life the way she enjoyed it. Being a member of the presidential staff gave them enough excuses to spend time together and until now, no one had asked any questions.

It was an open secret that Laura Roslin had been a member of the President's inner circle since his early days as mayor of Caprica City. To be close to her added to his image of a committed leader – someone who chose his team by experience and qualifications. Her teacher training was the foundation for getting the job, she accepted this because she had asked him all too many times – and at some point, Laura had just chosen to believe him when he said so.

She was aware of the fact that his wife knew about their affair, had long suspected that she did. When his wife took her at a garden party a couple of months ago, she knew for sure. Laura had expected a lot of things, but not defeat. A slap in the face in addition to the tightening grip around her wrist was what Laura had reckoned with. Harsh words, maybe tears. A how could you, accusations, anger, rage. Nothing. It had been nothing like that. And Laura knew she would've reacted differently, she would have confronted her rival, would've fought with her composure. Not so Mrs Adar. Controlled she had been, some would even judge it cold if they ignored the look in her eyes. She had given up, given up without starting the fight with the other woman in her husband's life.

"Look at me," was what she had said. "Look at me and tell me you love him." And Laura had fought the gulp in her throat and answered her truthfully. "I love him." No I'm sorry, no excuses, no running away.

A nod had been the next unexpected reply. A nod after looking deeply into her eyes. "It's the way he looks at you, Laura. I knew it right from the start. He fell for you. And he looks at you the way he never looked at me." There it was, the slap in the face – a compliment, reassurance even, for her, the lover, from the wife. "You cannot have it all, you know. We have kids, they need their father. He has his career, his reputation. I have mine. Do you understand?"

Laura did understand and yet she didn't. Was she protecting him? Or was it protecting herself? She was uncertain, and while her heart went out to her, Laura also knew that she wouldn't react that way.

"I lost his commitment, I won't lose his name." There it was, a confession, setting priorities. Laura knew hers were different – and while she had to sacrifice a normal life with him for getting parts of what she wanted, she knew it was a price she was willing to pay.

"You are a friend of the family, nothing more. Is that clear? No gossip." Another nod. "And stay away from my children. They do not need to know that their father loves you more." Bitterness, at last. And before she had turned away, Mrs Adar had tightened her grip around Laura's wrist some more. "Do not think that I don't care, but I cannot blame you. I've known you for some time now, Laura. You are not the kind who fraks around. I guess you even fought this for a while. I just, I just won't fight a battle I've lost before I even knew it started. I will not waste my energy on you."

Laura closed her eyes to the memories of that day, trying to shut them out. It wasn't guilt, it wasn't pain that made her thoughtful – it was just that on perfect mornings with him, she realized how imperfect love was after all. And while she cherished every second of having him around, she also knew that he wouldn't be with her for long.

It was hard on some days and easier on others. The moments she was with him, made love to him, felt safe – those were the moments she lived for. That was her choice – the sparkle of happiness she was allowed to have. It was still so much more than any committed relationship had given her before.

Laura sighed again – not so much because of the melancholy feeling that had crept up deep inside of her but because she tried to shrug off the thoughts and the craving for more.

She turned around, softly moving in his embrace, to feel his skin against her breast, his stomach on hers, the newborn smile on his lips when she placed a soft kiss onto his lips to nuzzle him awake.

"Good morning", he mumbled, and by the look in her eyes, Richard allowed her to seduce him – to rock him slowly into a new day, to take charge of them and a pleasurable morning.

Laura was quiet over breakfast, affectionate, sensitive even. She wanted to be held and kissed him slowly and deeply. She saw the confusion in his eyes, but she also felt his approval. She was torn, didn't want him to leave while knowing that he had to later that day.

Making love to him again on the couch, the sunlight warming them until they wrapped themselves in blankets and curled up together on the carpet. Laura closed her eyes when he kissed her lazily and caressed her waist. Swallowing the wave of stubborn melancholy that kept overwhelming her that day, she leaned her head on his shoulder and watched the bees in the garden. The silence was intoxicating somehow.

"What are you thinking?" He whispered softly, his eyes following her line of sight.

Laura shook her head. "Nothing really."

Silence enveloped them again for a while.

"You know I can't stay. The Gemanese delegation..."

"I know," her reply was barely audible.

Richard turned his head to place a soft kiss onto her hair and entwined his hand with hers. "I would love to stay."

A sad smile was her sufficient reply.

Another moment of quiet fell upon them.

"She knows." Laura's voice was calm and almost small.

A nod.

"She does," Richard answered after a while, holding her closer to his body.

"I couldn't do it," Laura said matter-of-fact, "the way she does."

"I wouldn't ask you to." He was sincere.

"I ..." He felt the desperation in her voice when it broke. The love you never reached his ears.

He kissed her temple before silence accompanied them for the rest of the day.

When he left, Richard pulled her into another longing kiss. Her eyes, mirrors to her vulnerable soul, reflected affection and sadness. Her lips contradicted her with a smile.

"I will see you in two days," he whispered against her cheek before he kissed it tenderly.

Her smile broadened but the sadness increased.

"See you at the Quorum meeting." Her voice was low.

Another kiss, his hands searching hers and he left, leaving her with a smile that equaled her mood.

It was two days later that she saw him again. The Quorum Q&A had never been her favorite pastime – another thing they had in common. When the meeting was over, Laura was summoned to the presidential office along with some of her colleagues. It was another hour before that she was granted some minutes alone with him, and although the sadness of the past days was gone, the craving to be with him had remained. She chided herself for being so clingy, hated women who acted like that. Always had. Dependency was a concept that made her skin crawl – but this was different. He made her feel differently.

She used to have doubts about their relationship at some point, not so much about his feelings but about her own. He had made her fall in love with him – or maybe she had fallen on her own. It was all so blurry in her memories. It hadn't been a fast process though – not blind passion. It wasn't even a classic affair. No dusty motel rooms or frantic fraks – no secret messages or codes. It had been about ideals, about common ground. His ideals appealing to her, Richard had lured her into his inner circle. She began to fight for his cause, felt comfortable doing so, felt appreciated when she mouthed her theories. Her logic added to his intellect. She inspired him where his ideas lacked earthiness. They were bound to discuss so much more than just his campaign.

It started with meetings lasting long into the night. It cumulated with take-away food and some glasses of wine. He had tempted her with a smile he always smiled when he was surrounded by family or friends. She answered his smile with one of her own, shy at first but alluring. Another glass of wine, her cheeks blushed and a spark electrified her when his hand brushed hers by accident. It felt comfortable leaning against him when she was swaying after she had gotten up, his body steading hers. Not an inch between them, her hand on his chest, the smell of him so seductive. It was hard to say who inched forward first, who nuzzled whose jaw line, who probed the other person's mouth for a kiss. When their lips met, their tongues ready to dance, they were lost – lost in the moment, lost in each other, lost for a decade to come.

It wasn't a conscious choice. It wasn't planned. It overwhelmed them – they were drawn to each other on so many levels, intellectually and emotionally. There was no going back. And at some point, Laura still didn't know when, it was their life. He had his family but loved her. It all fell into place – everything that was complicated brushed aside for some hours, a night or a weekend. She liked the independence – more on some days, less on others. And looking at him now, in his office, Laura felt the why answered when he pulled her into a longing kiss. It was imperfect but it was real.

Epilogue

When Laura felt a lump in her breast she fought with panic, pushing the pictures of her dying mother to the back of her mind. If there was something she didn't need, it was sleepless nights and questions. It was two weeks before she got an appointment with her doctor, and a couple of days more until she got to see a specialist. It was hard on her, but choking down her worries was the only option she had. Alarming Richard before she knew anything for certain was unnecessary – or at least, it was for her.

It was that moment in his office after her doctor's appointment when she realized that her silence had made him wonder. He thought she was having doubts. Doubts about them. Recalling the past weeks, Laura smiled one of her sad smiles to herself. She had distanced herself from him, had sought solitude at times and not returned some calls. She had been wrapped up in thoughts, trying to cope with her mother's fate, avoiding the image of herself ending as sick as she had. She had pushed him away one night when he wanted to make love to her because she had felt uneasy when he touched her breasts. It was so clear from her position, and so very obvious from his.

She hadn't answered his question of what is wrong, and hadn't felt ready to share her fears. Looking in his eyes, the taste of him on her lips still fresh from their kiss, she paced away from him. Telling him now didn't feel right – over dinner maybe, at home, in the privacy of their lives – not here at work.

The sound of his voice reached her ears, his eyes rushing back to her after her confession about her unapproved deal with the teacher's union. He was surprised. The news caught him off guard and when he pulled the presidential card on her, Laura reacted as quickly as he had. Her voice calm, not adding to his frustration with her, she kept the roller-coaster of emotions that caused her unrest in check.

The look in his eyes when she first told him about the arranged meeting – he had supported her attempt, more on a private level than was acceptable, but the look now reflected pride and confusion, two things Richard had never been able to control very well.

Laura left his office as quietly as she had entered it – her thoughts racing, caught between her diagnosis, his reaction and the look on his face. When she boarded Colonial One, she was wrapped in thoughts, almost completely ignoring her new aide. When she arrived on Galactica, she was professional as usual, personal feelings held at bay. When the colonies were nuked and the news came in, she fought with the pain of everything that overcame her in one day in the silence of a bathroom. When the affirmation came that the cabinet was incapacitated she fought with her composure. He was dead – and so was she. Inside.

Fin