Close to me
Summary
What she needed, was a hug. From him. Easy to get, one would think. Or is it? – Alternative scene to 04x07 Cops&Robbers SPOILERS
Disclaimer
Sadly, these wonderful characters aren't mine. No copyright infringement intended.
Rating T for safety
Category Romance/Angst
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Close to me
She needed a hug. From him. This moment today, when the bank blew up, all she could think of was that her life blew up, too. Her insides clenched whenever she remembered that terrible moment. It was getting at her.
Well, they had their happy ending. They had solved the case, and she had been invited to his loft, to celebrate. There, she had received a hug – and a huge one, at that! But she'd have preferred being hugged by him, not by his mother – in all due respect.
Their conversation during dinner was light, joyous, and happy, just as Martha had suggested. Even Alexis, who seemed to be down (boyfriend trouble, most likely; Kate had seen her calling her boyfriend several times during the hostage incident), eased up a little and joined in the chatter that was characteristic for a family dinner at the Casa Castle.
After the dishes had been cleared, Rick went to get something from his office to show her. She followed him, somehow reluctant to leave him out of her sight. Despite the light atmosphere during the meal, she felt this gnawing fear inside her. This case went to my very bones, she thought.
He was in his office, rummaging in a corner, not aware yet that she'd followed him.
She watched him, his back, his hairline, bent towards a drawer that contained whatever he was looking for.
Suddenly, he sensed her presence, and turned to face her, smiling.
"Hey Kate, if you'd like more wine, I'll be right back. There's a delicious red that I'd like you to taste…" he broke off, watching her. Something in her face was different. A look on her face that wasn't there before (or only hidden?) caught his attention.
"You okay?" he asked cautiously.
"Yes. Yes, in fact I am.", she said, seeing him standing safe and sound in front of her. Suddenly, the urge to touch him was too strong. She would go to him and squeeze his hand, just for reassurance, just like she did on previous occasions.
He saw her coming towards him, with this strange look on her face, and was rooted to the spot. He couldn't have moved an inch, even if he'd wanted to. He simply looked at her face, remembered the smile she gave him today, when she was cutting the plastic bands tying his wrists. Until the end of his days, he'd never forget that smile.
She seemed to remember it too, for she looked at him in exact the same way. Her intention just to hold his hand quickly changed when she stood close to him, taking in his smile, his warmth, his body oh so close to her, and the way his blue eyes locked with hers. 'I could have lost him today', she thought.
She lifted her arms and put them around his neck, pulling him into a close embrace. It felt so good to touch him, to reassure her that he was real, that it was his solid frame, warming her body with his, being held in his arms that had wrapped around her the instant she stepped close to him. He couldn't help but thinking: 'If this is what I get when taken hostage, I'll be happy to volunteer next time.'
She snuggled into his arms, let her head rest on his shoulder and pressed herself even more to him.
"You could have died today." she whispered almost inaudibly, trying to suppress the trembling in her voice.
"But I didn't", he whispered back. "I'm alive. I'm here." He hugged her tightly, simply enjoying her body so close to his, her arms around him.
"Yes, you are." she let out with a sigh, leaving her comfortable place at his shoulder, but still in their embrace, to look into his eyes. She had to tell him now. Tell him that she remembered what he said to her that day. Tell him – that she lied to him.
He sensed the change in her features, her body language. She was tense all of a sudden, and the look in her eyes – was it fear?
"Kate, what's wrong?" he asked softly, giving her a reassuring stroke of his hands on her back. It felt good just to hold her tight, inhaling her intoxicating scent, and hearing her whispered voice close to his ear. He wished he could make her fears go away.
"Rick, we need to talk." As much as she wished just to press her lips on his, she needed to have this out of her, their, way.
She gently untangled from their embrace, instantly missing his warmth, took his hand and led him to the couch. She bade him to sit, not letting go of his hand. He tried to get closer, but she raised her hand to him, palm towards him, signaling him to stop.
"I can't think properly when you're too close." she admitted with a small smile. Boy, she must be shaken indeed. Kate admitting to be vulnerable? Unheard of! He started to get worried.
"Kate, what is it?" he asked rather anxiously.
She looked at their entwined hands, felt the secure grip his fingers, gentle, but strong, on hers.
She took a deep breath.
"Rick, I lied to you." She looked him fully in the eyes.
"About what?" he asked back, still not in sync with her line of thought – how could he be.
"About – about that day in the cemetery. I – I remember it all." It took a moment for him to put the pieces together.
"You heard me?" he whispered.
"Yes."
"Why – " he broke off, his hand beginning to draw away from hers.
She held his hand tight, placed her other hand on top of his.
"Because – because it was all too much right then. I was with someone, but was thinking about you all the time, and then I got shot, and you said this to me, when you visited me in the hospital, I just couldn't deal with all this, I – I just couldn't. I'm so sorry Rick!" she pleaded, hoping he'd understand.
He withdrew his hand completely, and asked in a low voice: "And then you decided to leave me. Not a word, nothing. For three months. And then, all of a sudden, you show up at a book signing." He looked at her. "Do you know how much that hurt? Do you have any idea?"
She hung her head, not able to look at him. "I'm sorry." she whispered. She didn't dare to take his hand, fearing he might recoil from her touch. She couldn't take this. Not after today.
She took a deep breath, and looked into his eyes again. "I'm sorry." She repeated. "I did not intend to hurt you, never. Please understand – I needed to have time for myself, to heal. It was all too much at that time."
His heart started to melt at her words, but he was still careful to interpret too much into her words.
"Then why didn't you say something afterwards?"
"I'm doing now. I'm still healing. My wounds are not only those on my body. You know that."
She was referring to her PTSD, of course. How could he have forgotten.
He still was amazed by the change that was apparent her. She admitted to be vulnerable, said she was sorry. The tough Detective Beckett, NYPD, sat trembling beside him and – was afraid? Of what?
He decided to make things easier for her. He was still mad, but at least she told him, in her time. And that was what he was doing for her, for them, all the time, no? Giving her time. All she needed. He knew he didn't have a choice, really.
"It's ok, Kate." He said and placed an arm around her. She let it happen, happy for the comfort that was in this touch.
She had been on the verge of kissing him, not five minutes ago, but she felt that was too early for that (early? My ass! It's about time, girl!) Every fiber of her body wanted to throw herself into his arms, but part of her brain that wasn't clouded with desire for him held her back. She took his hand instead, squeezed it, to make sure he'd be staying with her a bit longer.
All he wanted to do was hug her tightly and never let her go. He had hoped for a brief time tonight that perhaps she was ready to embrace what he was aching to give her. But he sensed that she still felt too broken inside to respond to that particular need of his. Though he felt sure that she needed him, too. Well, he could wait. He had to. Besides, he had a secret that he needed telling her, too. But not tonight. One confession was enough.
"Kate." He gently said.
"Hmm?" she murmured, half asleep in his embrace.
"I think we'll call it a night. We can talk tomorrow."
"Are you kicking me out?" she asked with a small smile.
"No, but I guess we both feel kinda exhausted, and though I admit that it's very nice to hold you in my arms, it's probably not the best spot to fall asleep. We might not get any sleep at all." he chuckled, wriggling his eyebrows, trying to get back to the light tone of their conversations.
"You're right", she sighed, starting to get up, letting go of his hand.
"You could also use the guest room", he added hastily, missing her warmth instantly. "So you won't have to face the cold, dark night outside."
"I'm a big girl, Castle, I can manage." She smiled wearily at him, almost back at being herself again. And a bit surprised by his eagerness to let this evening end.
"Look, I didn't mean it that way…" he offered. So she was back to calling him Castle again. The moment was definitely over.
"No, it's ok, Castle, really. I need to go home and get some rest. Thank you for listening to me, though.", she added with yet another smile. This one rather sad, and tired.
He rose from the couch, followed her towards the door, and helped her into her coat.
She turned to him, getting a last glance of his face, and said: "Until tomorrow, Castle."
"Until tomorrow, Kate." He closed the door behind her, letting his forehead connect with the smooth wood of his front door. "I love you." He whispered.
The door had closed. Kate was taking deliberate steps to the elevator, all the time fighting not to run back to him.
She was so sick of her wall.
A/N: Every time I try to rewrite the story for them, I end up letting them go. Darn, how very frustrating!
Hope you've liked it, though.
Please leave a review, even (and especially) if you didn't.