Re-Education
"You're failing my class, Mr. Vargas."
Feliciano didn't even flinch when he heard this because he had been waiting for the day that the teacher would bring this to his attention. He knew he was failing and even though he had once carried a dream within his heart that he had desperately wanted to come true, he didn't care anymore. Everyone could just go die and leave him the fuck alone. Failing a stupid math class was the least of his problems.
"I'm aware of that." The stoic Italian responded, his auburn eyes dull with apathy. It was strange because they were used to be alive with happiness and curiosity. A while back Feliciano had been acing every math test that was being flung at him. He did his homework with great precision and made sure every problem was done correctly. But suddenly his grades had been dropping rapidly as well as his attitude. There was a gloomy atmosphere where he went, almost like a cloud that would not leave him. Many had noticed it, including his closest friends, Ludwig and Kiku, but they could not ask about it without the Italian becoming irritated by it. It was strange because it was extremely hard to irritate Feliciano.
'Not anymore it seems…' Feliciano thought bitterly in his mind, his eyes glued onto the teacher. He blocked out his rant, not bothering to listen to the same lecture after days of having the same talk. He was aware that he was failing, but again, he didn't care. Why would he care if he was useless? He couldn't do anything. His dreams were ridiculous and pointless so there was no reason to chase after them like shadows.
"Are you listening to me, Feliciano?" The teacher barked, snapping him out of his depressing thoughts. He nodded and stared at him with no hint of interest in his eyes. The teacher sighed and placed his hands on the desk, looking up at him softly. "Feliciano, if you're having trouble, tell me. I don't want you to fail because I know that if you continue to have good grades you'll be able to attend that art school that you desperately want to go to."
Feliciano scoffed and looked at his sternly, looking almost like his older brother, Lovino.
"It doesn't matter if I attend that art school anymore. I don't care about my future anymore." He said bitterly before storming out of the almost empty class room with his books in his hands and tears in his eyes. He wiped his eyes with the brown sleeve of his school uniform, but it didn't stop them from continuing to fall down his flushed cheeks.
Not too far away, Lovino, Feliciano's brother, was waiting for him at the younger one's locker. He wore some headphones on his ears, listening to his music. He had a permanent scowl on his face as he bobbed his head slightly to the music. He was completely unaware of his surroundings, due to the fact that music could distract him easily. Lovino leaned against the locker and looked up the ceiling, wanting to know what was taking his brother so damn long.
Out of the corner of his eye, Lovino saw a figure coming towards him. He pulled down his headphones, letting them rest on his neck, and walked out to look at the figure. He suddenly saw it was his brother, but he was crying. Wrinkling his nose in confusion, Lovino waited until Feliciano was close enough and opened his mouth to ask him why he was crying. But before he could say anything, Feliciano whizzed past him, choking back sobs as he wiped his eyes with his sleeve.
"Hey, Feliciano." Lovino said sternly as he walked towards him, receiving no response or sign that the other had heard him. He knew that his brother had a habit of drowning out the rest of the world when he was depressed and crying. "Feliciano!" He said louder as he ran after him, grabbing his shoulder roughly. The younger Italian turned around to face him, his eyes red and puffy from crying, and clenched his trembling fists.
"What?!" He screamed, obviously not in the mood to speak with the latter. Lovino flinched and pulled his hand away, his hazel green eyes softening at seeing his brother so upset. Something in his heart that he had locked away to protect from any harm coming to it cracked as he watched the tears run down Feliciano's face. Lovino couldn't understand why he was feeling that way for his brother. He never cared whether or not his brother was happy or not, right?
'I don't care. Feliciano's just being a drama queen. It's just to get attention.' A voice sneered in his mind as he stared at him. Lovino shook the thought away and huffed, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his blue plaid school pants. He looked away, the scowl returning to his face. Lovino was a good actor, meaning he could hide his real emotions under a mask that made everyone think he hated the world with a burning passion, but there were moments when his brother made the mask crack violently, exposing Lovino's real emotions.
"Never mind…" Lovino murmured under his breath, knowing he would upset his brother even more if he pressed onto the topic. "Let's go home." He finished, looking down to let his bangs fall over his face to hide the emotions that shined in his eyes. The eyes were the window to a person's soul which made it easy for someone to tell what one was truly feeling. Lovino wasn't going to let Feliciano know that he had been hurt when he screamed at him. Even if it had been a simple 'what', it had hurt his heart that he had thought was safe behind the walls he placed around it to protect it.
Feliciano sniffed and watched as Lovino walked passed him, immediately regretting screaming at him. He wiped his nose and reached out to grab his shoulder, wanting to apologize, but Lovino pulled his shoulder away from him and glared at him, making the latter whimper quietly at the silent rejection. Feliciano looked down and followed him silently when Lovino continued to walk, facing forward. He clutched the books tightly to his chest, the tears cascading faster down his face and falling onto the floor.
The walk back home was a quiet one. Neither one spoke a word to each other, due to still being upset for some reason. Feliciano's tears had ceased, but occasionally he sniffed and glanced at his older brother, only to see the cold look in his eyes. He always looked back down; feeling like a scolded puppy whenever Lovino's stern and stoic gaze fell upon him. This only proved one of the points why it was pointless to stay alive. Why did he want to continue living when the person he loved the most hated him? It was an aching pain that haunted him day and night, only to be worsened whenever Lovino yelled or glared at him. Not once could Feliciano say that he had seen Lovino smile or laugh with him. It was a depressing thought, really.
They soon arrived home just as the sun was setting. Feliciano stood outside just a few more minutes after Lovino had unlocked the door of the house and stared at the falling sun. Soon, he would never see the sunset again because Feliciano was giving up. He saw no point in live anymore and rather be sleeping permanently. He had already planned the day and how he was going to leave this world. Of course he had to write a letter to his family, explaining why he couldn't continue living and he would write an extra one to his brother, to confess his feelings that he would soon take to his grave.
Yeah, Feliciano could see it now. The way he would die would be creative because frankly he wasn't up to just using a knife to end his life. Feliciano was always creative in different ways which sparked his love for art, so if he was going to die, he was going to do it in a way no one else had thought of. It may be gruesome, but to him, it seemed like a wonderful way to go. It would have to happen just as the sun is setting or else it won't work. He needed a high place to let himself fall from and he needed some tape, just in case the fall doesn't do the job in actually killing him.
"Feliciano, get in." Lovino's voice jerked him out of his thoughts, making him whip his head around to meet his hazel green eyes. He sighed and nodded, following his brother into the house. He lowered his eyes, almost as if he was hiding from Lovino's cold gaze. Feliciano quickly made his way towards the stairs, but stopped when he felt a strong hand on his arm, preventing him from walking any further.
The younger Italian turned his head around to see Lovino gripping his arm tightly and wrinkled his nose at the action. His eyes flickered toward the hand that was holding onto his arm before returning to meet Lovino's eyes. He could see that Lovino was thinking deeply about something as he looked into those deep hazel green pools. He knew his older brother well enough to know when the latter was lost in thought.
"What's wrong?" Lovino finally said, shattering the silence that had fallen between them. Feliciano flinched in that moment before looking at him in fake confusion. He was also a great actor, but he knew that he couldn't fool his brother. It didn't hurt to try. He looked away and sighed, pulling his arm away.
"Nothing's wrong…. I just had a long day." Feli responded and began to walk up the stairs, leaving no room for more questions from the latter. He wasn't in the mood for putting up with his brother and he needed time to write the two letters before he ran out of time. "I'm going to take a siesta… Wake me up when it's dinner time." He murmured, slipping out of Lovino's eyesight. The older Italian sighed and waited to hear his door close quietly before going upstairs as well.
He leaned quietly against the wood of the door and listened to hear the soft sobs that came from the other side of the door. Lovino's heart clenched painfully behind its walls at hearing those sounds, but why was it doing that? He didn't care whether or not his brother was crying. He didn't care! Feliciano could get over it, he's sixteen. He needs to learn to man up and not cry.
'But it sounds like he's in so much pain… Why?' Lovino asked in his head before letting out a deep breath, resting his head against the door before sliding quietly down. He sat down on the carpeted floor and covered his face with his calloused hands, listening to the heartbreaking sobs that his brother made. Lovino's heart squeezed tightly with each sob that came out from the room, threatening to burst with the pain that it felt. He didn't understand why he was feeling like that? He never cared about Feliciano, but all of a sudden the sound of his cries made Lovino want to cry as well.
Tearing himself away from the floor, Lovino went back downstairs and walked into the kitchen slowly, his hazel green eyes glistening with tears that he was trying so desperately to hold back. He didn't want to cry just because his stupid little brother was crying. It was ridiculous. He didn't even know why the latter was crying so it made no sense whatsoever!
'He's my baby brother who should be smiling, not crying his eyes out.' The thought bubbled up in his mind, followed by memories of his brother smiling, laughing, and just being ridiculously silly. The corner of Lovino's twitched, wanting to form a sad smile as he remembered the moments his little brother smiled just for him. The sparkling happiness that shined in those beautiful pools of coffee brown made Lovino's heart jump. He shook his head and slammed his fist on the countertop, grunting in pain. He wasn't going to let his emotions get a hold of him.
'His adorable laugh… His precious smile… I miss them…' Lovino threw his head back and covered his eyes, the tears slipping down his cheeks as he continued to torture himself with memories that he had always held dear, but had never come to accepted that he did. Lovino wasn't supposed to care this much for his little brother, but it felt wrong if he said that he didn't care! His heart ached painfully if he continued to lie about this. Feliciano was his little brother… His perfect little brother with a beautiful smile… And such a wonderful personality.
'I care so much about you, my precious Fratellino...'
About an hour or so after crying quietly for Feliciano, Lovino had finished making Chicken with Pasta Alfredo for dinner. He made sure that there was no sign of him crying on his face and went upstairs to his brother's room. He knocked on the door and began to tug at the sleeves of his uniform. He hadn't bothered to change since he had arrived, but what the hell. He didn't care if it got dirty. He had another uniform to wear tomorrow.
"O-oh, coming." Lovino heard Feliciano's feeble response from the other side and waited for him, leaning onto the wall near the door. He ran his hand through his hair, pushing the chocolate brown locks back and avoiding his hair curl. The door slowly opened, revealing the tear stricken face that belonged to Feliciano. His eyes were still puffy and red so it probably meant that the teen had cried in his sleep. This thought made Lovino's heart want to tear down the walls around it and to rip itself from his chest so it escape and jump into Feliciano's arms.
"Food's done." Lovino said quietly, avoiding his brother's saddening gaze. He earned a nod from the other male and watched as he walked down the stairs without another word. He sighed and followed him, stuffing his hands into his pockets. They reached the living room where the food was already placed on white plates. The scent of the food filled the room, making Feliciano's stomach grumble in hunger. It smelled pretty good and was bound to taste just as good because Lovino was a pretty decent cook. It had been a while since Feliciano had tasted his brother's food. He was the one that usually cooked but he had mentioned he was tired so it would be obvious that Lovino would cook something for them both.
A small smile formed on Feliciano's face, but they both knew it was a forced one. "Thanks." He said quietly and sat down on a chair, pulling it closer to the table so he could be close enough to his plate. Lovino did the same thing except he sat on the other side of the table and picked up his fork to begin eating. The two ate in silence, occasionally glancing up to look at each other. The clinking sounds of their forks hitting the plates was the only thing that could be heard in the room, save for the clock that ticked in the kitchen.
No words were exchanged after dinner. Lovino decided that he would wash the dishes, just so his brother wouldn't have to. He didn't understand why he was being nice to his brother all of a sudden. Maybe because he hated seeing him so sad all the time? Whatever the reason was, he dismissed Feliciano, letting him go to his room so he could sleep in early. So as he washed the dishes, Lovino let his thoughts drift towards his brother, soon finding himself replaying good memories of him.
Gripping the edge of the sink, Lovino glared at the water that was being drained and huffed before looking back up at the ceiling. He was so confused and frustrated. He wanted to know what was bothering his brother so much that it made him cry in his sleep. He needed to know what he could do to return that beautiful smile he loved so much back to Feliciano's face. He just wanted to help his brother!
'Why won't you let me help you?'
The next day the same blanket of silence covered them both, too thick to be broken. They ate breakfast quietly and slowly, never lifting their gazes up from their food. Lovino was the first to get up and put his bowl of cereal in the sink, turning on the water to rinse out the left over crumbs of cereal and milk before turning it off and letting it sit in the sink. He went back upstairs to brush his teeth and to carefully fix his messy hair. It didn't matter what he did to it, it still looked messy and unkempt.
Just as Lovino was heading back downstairs with his book bag hanging from his shoulder and his headphones resting on his neck, Feliciano walked up the stairs. They avoided each other's eyes and headed towards where they needed to go. Lovino waited for his little brother at the door, leaning his shoulder against the wall wall. He sighed and crossed his arms, looking down at his feet.
Meanwhile, Feliciano was adding the finishing touches to the letter that would be for his grandpa and his friends. He still needed to finish the letter he was going to give to his brother for that letter had to be perfect. It had to portray all his feelings or else it will be something that was pointless to be writing. Hopefully Lovino would understand the pain he was feeling and not get too upset about it. Ha, who was he kidding? Lovino would probably throw the letter away and laugh because his stupid little brother was too weak to continue living.
Blinking the tears away, Feliciano tucked the letter quickly into the envelope and laid it on his desk, the envelope addressed to his Nonno. He looked around the room sadly, knowing it would be the last time he would get to see it. He had made sure it was neat enough to be remembered. He stared at a picture frame of his brother and him, smiling happily for the camera. His brother's arm was wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him close to his body. Feliciano was giggling and cuddling close into his chest, just to make the picture look good. He remembered after the picture had been taken, Lovino had pushed him off and the scowl had replaced the smile on his lips. That must have been when the pain started. It was a dull sting back then, now it was an agonizing stab he felt in his chest.
"Feliciano, come on! We're gonna be late for school!" Lovino called from downstairs, making the sad Italian's thought bubble pop. He flinched and grabbed the letter that would be for his brother and hid it in between the pages of his sketch book before rushing down the stairs and out the door. He heard his brother sigh and close the door behind them before settling down to match his pace.
Lovino lifted his headphones over his ears and turned on his I-pod; the music loud enough to be heard by Feliciano. Feli glanced at his brother from the corner of his eye and bit his lip, feeling tempted to tell about the plan he was going to carry out today. Clutching his sketchbook to his chest and took a deep breath before looking at Lovino. "Fratello?" He asked, his voice trembling slightly. He received a nod from the latter, telling him that he was listening and continued.
"What… What if I died one day? Just like out of the blue?" He asked suddenly, his words rushed. Lovino stopped in his tracks, his hazel green eyes wide with shock and confusion. He stopped a few feet ahead of him, biting his lip in worry. Hopefully Lovino didn't pick up the hint that Feliciano was planning on dying soon.
Lovino pulled down his headphones and looked at him in confusion. "Why are you asking?" He asked as he walked carefully towards him. Feliciano shrugged and pursed his lips, regretting asking his brother that. With any luck, Lovino wouldn't figure him out. That would end his plan even before it had any chance to start.
"Just curious…" He murmured, looking seriously at him with cold coffee brown eyes. Lovino sighed and shrugged gently, walking past him with his hands in his pockets. The elder Italian had no idea of what to say. He was speechless for the first time in a long run. Lovino would cry if his brother died suddenly. He would scream and blame himself for not being able to save him. He would suffer for the rest of his life unless somehow his own life ended just as sudden as Feli's did. But he couldn't say that. He just couldn't.
"I'd be shocked…" Lovino murmured, hearing his brother's footsteps following him. Feliciano only nodded and sighed, tears threatening to slip down his cheeks again. He blinked and cleared his throat, opening his sketch book briefly to make sure his letter was still safely tucked in the pages. He closed it when he saw it and sighed in relief, closing his eyes a quick moment. His eyes than looked up to stare at the back of Lovino's head, admiring his figure. Oh how he wished to run towards him and hug him tightly. To sob in his chest with his arms wrapped around him while Lovino whispered words of comfort in his ears. But Feliciano knew better. He knew he could be rejected by the latter and yelled at for being a clingy bastard, but he's had worse treatment.
'I'm so sorry, Fratellone.'
The day passed fairly quickly, almost as if it was impatient to get to sunset when Feliciano would finally carry out his plan. By the time lunchtime came around, he was already done with his letter that he would leave for his brother at his locker. He had already warned him that he was going to stay after school to some more "studying", but it was only a lie to keep him from stopping his plan. As he watched Lovino leave with Antonio and the others, his heart started to beat painfully, each thud making it feel heavier and heavier. Oh how he loved him. But he would never be the one that would stay forever at Lovino's side. It was better that Feliciano died now because then he wouldn't have to suffer through seeing his brother fall in love with someone else.
At the end of the day, the bell rang, snapping Feliciano out of his dreams. His body suddenly became heavier on his legs as he slipped out of his desk, clutching his sketch book tightly. Time seemed to slow down on him as he headed towards his brother's locker, knowing that Lovino had already grabbed his things out of it so he wouldn't see it until the next day. It would work out perfectly.
He finally reached his locker after shuffling past the crowd of people. Looking around, Feliciano made sure no one was watching him and slipped the white envelope through the slits of the lockers. When he figured that it had fallen inside, Feliciano tore away from the locker and began to make his way to the library where he would make his final sketch, a black rose that would be for his brother. To symbolize the love that he had felt for him was a sin and wrong.
Feliciano continued to wait in the library for the final moments before the sunset started. As the clock ticked, his mind was filled with the memories of his brother that he would cherish the most. He thought of his dreams that he knew he would never fulfill if he continued his plan. Becoming a well-known artist and his brother's lover were his dreams, but alas, they would never come true. How depressing.
Just as the sky began to turn into an orange-red color, Feliciano made his way up the stairs to the roof. Tears were streaming down his face as he set his things down on the ground and reached into his pocket to pull out a small roll of tape. He began to unwind it and wrap it around his neck, knowing that if the fall didn't kill him, the tape cutting his windpipe certainly would.
Meanwhile Lovino was walking back to his locker to grab some books he needed to bring home. He had to stay after for soccer practice, so even if he wanted to go home, he couldn't. When he opened his locker, a white envelope fell at his feet, surprising him. He picked it up and saw it had his name written in Feliciano's handwriting. Immediately he knew something was wrong. Opening it, he pulled the paper up to see tear stains on the letter, telling him that his brother had been crying while he wrote this. His eyes skimmed the letter quickly, his heart beat becoming faster and fast as he continued reading. His hands trembled and soon tears welled up in his eyes.
"-and I love you. I really do, Fratellone. More than I should; which is one of the reasons why I have to do this. I know for a fact you would never feel the same because to be honest, who would? Who would ever love me? I'm a pathetic excuse of a brother. I'm a mistake, meaning I shouldn't have been born. It's pointless for me to continue living so I might as well go now. I have no future anyway.
So goodbye, amore mio. After my fall, I will be watching you from Heaven… Or Hell. I don't know where I'll go once I die. No one knows, so I guess I'll just have to see, alright?
Ti amo cosí tanto,
Feliciano~"
Lovino crumbled the paper up in his fists and rubbed at his eyes, the tears falling quickly. This couldn't be happening! Why did it have to be him?! His precious baby brother… Looking up, Lovino suddenly remembered reading something about a fall. He hadn't heard screams yet so maybe it hadn't happened yet? And the only place he could fall was the roof.
"Damn it!" He shouted and slammed his locker close, sprinting up the stairs and hoping he wasn't too late to save him. Tears were falling from his eyes quickly know, blurring his vision, but that didn't stop him. He needed to save his brother; the love of his live, from making the biggest mistake of his life that could ruin Lovino's. "Feliciano!" He screamed as he pushed the doors open and stepped out onto the roof.
Feliciano quickly turned around, the tape around his neck making it hard for him to breathe properly. He was on the edge of falling and now, his brother would see him die. "Don't come closer…" He said, his voice raspy and quiet from the lack of air. He was becoming dizzy and lightheaded, knowing that soon he was going to pass out and fall to his death.
"No!" Lovino yelled and ran towards him; his eyes widening as he watched his brother accidently step backwards and lose his balance. "Fratellino!" He cried out as Feliciano slipped and fell off the roof, his heart shattering. He jumped over the railing and flung himself off the roof, not caring if he didn't survive the fall either. He reached out and grabbed his brother's hand, pulling him into his arms as they continued to fall through the air.
Feliciano was in shock at what was happening. Was he dreaming or was his brother really falling with him to their deaths? He felt Lovino's tears on his face and began to gasp for breath, the tape finally doing its job. His older brother looked at him and smiled sadly at him through the tears, making the younger Italian's heart jump in his chest. His brother was actually smiling at him! He felt so happy, but so sad at this moment. So much emotion was threatening his heart to explode.
"Ti amo~"
These were the last words that Lovino murmured before kissing his brother passionately, their first and last kiss as they crashed painfully into the ground and making a loud crack, the impact strong enough to crush their skulls, instantly killing the two brothers with their lips still touching each other. Blood seeped onto the ground from their head, mixing with one another. Lovino's arms were loosely wrapped around his brother, still holding him close as he did in their last moments. The sad smile was still on their lips, almost as if they were two statues that would forever be touching.
Not too long after they fell, a student found them dead on the ground and screamed, running back to report to the soccer coach that was still there. The coach called the ambulance and stared at the two bodies in shock. He wasn't shocked that they were kissing, no, he was shocked at the fact that they had chosen this painful way to die. The coach knew that Lovino had harbored some feelings for Feliciano and was alright with it. It didn't bother him that they were brothers and both male because frankly, it didn't matter to him.
So as the couch watched as the ambulance arrived, he noticed a sketch book that had also fallen next to them. It was open to a page that contained a black rose with the words:
"To the love of my life and death, Lovino~"