This is a monologue written in script format with a character blurb at the beginning- the monologue needs to reflect in speech what the character info is saying. It was some weird attempt I did in adapting Homestuck into a movie or play rather than webcomic because I just... was thinking about it for fun? And honestly, keeping it word-for word would NOT work in any other format. And I just wanted to give John some love.

One day I want to have some awesome John voice-person read this and let me draw some images to go along with it (and then make a video of it, ha ha!) but I dunno where to find a voice actor. If anyone's interested, let me know in a review or email or something- I might host auditions. XD

I don't own Homestuck. But please, read and review!

JOHN EGBERT:

(Outwardly cheerful and good-natured, John says whatever is on his mind as soon as it enters into his head and this gives him a charming sincerity and humbling bluntness that makes him loveable even when he is being mean- it is as hard for him to hate as it is for someone else to hate him. His upbringing has much to do with this- his whole life has been a series of gentle, if not downright pleasant, gradual slopes that culminated in the creation of a child who can glide through life on luck and karma alone like a carefree leaf dancing in the wind. Unfortunately, his breeze through life makes him feel inadequate and uncool because he doesn't realize that his effortless, graceless grace makes him the object of others' envy and admiration. As a result, he wants his life to be something more like a roller coaster even though he hasn't a clue to just how scary such a thing can be.)

Yeah, my life is pretty awesome. The neighborhood's full of people with about the same values and living situations so nobody is really cast out for being different. In fact, all the houses look the same, too! It's kind of fun to look at them all from far away, 'cause they're in all these neat rows like a bunch of paper milk cartons all lined up in a grocery store, y'know, the kind that say stuff like, "MISSING! LOST SALAMANDER. GOES BY THE NAME OF CASEY. LAST SEEN IN LAS VEGAS. IF YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER INFORMATION, PLEASE CONTACT LOCAL AUTHORITIES AT 413-867-5309!" on the sides. Or… something like that. I guess searching for a salamander isn't what you put on a milk carton ad. Heh. But, uh, nothing exciting like finding a dear lost loved one ever happens here. And besides my Nanna, who died when I was a baby, we're not much ones for LOSING dear loved ones, either. That'd be... (he pauses, a little nervous and a little anticipatory.)

...a little out-of-the-ordinary.

(He returns to complacent reality.) And, well, heh heh, like I said, nothing... (he tries to hide his disappointment) nothing strange like that happens where I live. It's always just me and dad telling jokes and tripping over cakes like that's all there ever was to do in this world. (He shakes the carton absently.) That and drink milk. Gets the taste of cake outta my mouth- I hate that Betty Crocker stuff, honestly. (He shudders.) Bluuuuuh. Batterwitch.

(Slowly, a sad wistfulness creeps into his voice.) Yeah, that's us. In... in our little milk-carton box. Stale jokes and (He looks into the carton and wrinkles his nose) stale milk. Nothing new ever happens.

It's always... exactly the same.

(John's next words are meant more to convince himself of his happiness than to assure the audience and it almost works.) But that's not so bad! I can play with my friends outside, and they're all nice. We play all the games everyone else plays and talk about all the things that everyone else talks about. And I like all of those conversations, 'cause I like all the same things as everyone else, too! (The note of unsettlement enters his voice again.) We're all kinda silly that way. Kinda… the same. (Another pause.)

(Suddenly, his enthusiasm returns with a vengeance.) But there's this one game. It's supposed to be so awesome—more awesome than, like… than that one anime episode where the green slime ghost ate up the entire city in one ectoplasmic gulp! (John makes an obnoxious slurping noise.) You know what I mean? (It's obvious nobody does, but he is unabashed by the embarrassment; his sincerity and wonder for his topic remain constant even though his voice grows a little calmer.) SBURB is a virtual reality game that is supposed to be like no other- they say the mechanics are so crazy specialized that it looks and feels like it's a whole new reality.

It gives you your own little world in this "medium" thing and… (He gestures wildly with his hands before flinging them up in the air in enthusiastic exasperation) oh, I don't really know how it all works, but I do know that it's amazing and weird. Even if it's just some software on a computer, this game is a way for me to play with some really special friends of mine who live really far away.

What a birthday present that'll be! Think about it! Me, finally getting to go on an adventure with my three best friends in a mysterious world that's just waiting for us!

And guess what? My birthday is today! (He excitedly scuffs his feet on the ground beneath the table.) I guess I forgot to mention that, huh? But it's alright! I wasn't expecting a present from you guys or anything- I just want my mail to come so I can have my awaiting SBURB adventure- I might even get to be the hero for the day! Me! John Egbert, rugged and super awesome Hero of—(He takes a deep breath and pauses, slowly cutting his fantasy short while self-depreciation dims, but does not extinguish, the stars in his eyes.) Oh, but that's not going to happen. Still… SBURB might be something a little… out of the ordinary.

Thank you for reading! Please don't forget to review!